Am I expecting too much from men?

earningmywings · Jul 18, 2013

Gadarene said:
It isn't inherently wrong, but if it's not what makes you happy then he will need to make a choice either way. I think some level of personal fantasy / sexual activity is completely fine and it doesn't bother me if my partner wants to engage in the same. It's hot, for one thing. But if that's where the line stops for you, then that's fine.

I would say that like all habits it is one that should be controlled by the user, not the user controlled by a habit. If any habit gets out of hand in this way, then it is a problem, though that does not mean the habit is inherently wrong. If your chap wants to quit, then there are programs like SAA that might help.

That said, this idea that not engaging in this behaviour makes you somehow not a "real man" - a phrase which is completely meaningless in the first instance - is incorrect.

Depends on who your yard stick is. By world standards , do what you want. By God's standards it is inherently wrong.
Don't you even think with a world of wonderful people out there and the gift of emotional and physical connection it seems so lame that society has reduced to the level of sitting in a room alone with false images of woman that most men would never dream of getting in real life , self pleasuring. Or having to use inappropriate content to actually get off, instead of each other?
That is just sad..
And I stand by my statement..real men connect with real woman. That my friend, is what is really hot!

Gadarene · Jul 18, 2013

earningmywings said:
Depends on who your yard stick is. By world standards , do what you want. By God's standards it is inherently wrong.

Well, if that's so then your chap is being a hypocrite in that regard.

Don't you even think with a world of wonderful people out there and the gift of emotional and physical connection it seems so lame that society has reduced to the level of sitting in a room alone with false images of woman that most men would never dream of getting in real life , self pleasuring. Or having to use inappropriate content to actually get off, instead of each other?
That is just sad..

Not at all. One can have both, and one does not have to necessarily feel threatened by another having such a habit, nor are they necessarily going to end up addicted to it.

And I stand by my statement..real men connect with real woman. That my friend, is what is really hot!

To you, perhaps.

And please drop the "my friend" - we aren't friends.

bbyrd009 · Jul 18, 2013

earningmywings said:
They are god's standards, not mine. He requires us to submit our thoughts and body over to him as we walk in the spirit.
Better to have harsh standards than none at all.

Please--a inappropriate content addict free mate is not too much to ask, how ridic. These are not harsh standards, you are just looking in the wrong place; American men. We produce extended immaturity here/now, and these other comments show it.

bbyrd009 · Jul 18, 2013

earningmywings said:
You are into inappropriate content aren't you?

lol

Freodin · Jul 19, 2013

bbyrd009 said:
lol

Yeah, ad hominem arguments are very funny... and a great way to make friends of enemies.

Serendipity.. · Jul 19, 2013

bbyrd009 said:
Please--a inappropriate content addict free mate is not too much to ask, how ridic. These are not harsh standards, you are just looking in the wrong place; American men. We produce extended immaturity here/now, and these other comments show it.

Thats not nice we Aussies are in the running too. We try to lower our standards at every opportunity so our women get a faux superiority and self justification in their opinions of themselves as the gossip about people.

Freodin · Jul 19, 2013

earningmywings said:
You are into inappropriate content aren't you?

My personal sexual preferences are completely irrelevant for this question... trying to evade my point by attacking my person is a fallacious way of argumentation. It is not a sign of an open communication.

Your very limited and selfish views are not the yardstick the world is measured by.
You don't get to set these standards for all humanity, not even by attributing them to divine origins.

What you do for yourself is your thing. What you can get others to agree with, is as well.

What you tell others they ought to do, in order to be "real men" or "real women"... that is quite intrusive and annoying.

You came here asking for advice. My advice is: if you are not willing to search for a compromist in a relationship... you are not suited to a relationship. Get out while it is still easy.

Eudaimonist · Jul 19, 2013

earningmywings said:
Depends on who your yard stick is. By world standards , do what you want. By God's standards it is inherently wrong.

You're setting up a false alternative there. One can have "world standards" that do not involve doing whatever one may happen to want. A worldly standard can be a moral standard; it simply won't match your religious standard on all counts.

Don't you even think with a world of wonderful people out there and the gift of emotional and physical connection it seems so lame that society has reduced to the level of sitting in a room alone with false images of woman that most men would never dream of getting in real life , self pleasuring. Or having to use inappropriate content to actually get off, instead of each other?

It doesn't have to be either-or. It can be both together.

eudaimonia,

Mark

KCfromNC · Jul 19, 2013

bbyrd009 said:
Please--a inappropriate content addict free mate is not too much to ask, how ridic.

I don't think we've seen any evidence at all that there's any sort of addiction here. For some reason, the OP has avoided answering any questions about how he is harming himself in any way. All we've heard is how she knows it is wrong and NO compromises.

bbyrd009 · Jul 19, 2013

Freodin said:
Yeah, ad hominem arguments are very funny... and a great way to make friends of enemies.

Ha , you are right, I apologize. I was strictly trolling there. I love your user title, btw.

contango · Jul 19, 2013

Freodin said:
My personal sexual preferences are completely irrelevant for this question... trying to evade my point by attacking my person is a fallacious way of argumentation. It is not a sign of an open communication.

Your very limited and selfish views are not the yardstick the world is measured by.
You don't get to set these standards for all humanity, not even by attributing them to divine origins.

What you do for yourself is your thing. What you can get others to agree with, is as well.

What you tell others they ought to do, in order to be "real men" or "real women"... that is quite intrusive and annoying.

You came here asking for advice. My advice is: if you are not willing to search for a compromist in a relationship... you are not suited to a relationship. Get out while it is still easy.

Eudaimonist said:
You're setting up a false alternative there. One can have "world standards" that do not involve doing whatever one may happen to want. A worldly standard can be a moral standard; it simply won't match your religious standard on all counts.

It doesn't have to be either-or. It can be both together.

eudaimonia,

Mark

Both points here are, I think, entirely valid. In fairness to the OP I think it's safe to say she gets to decide what standards she wants to live by and what standards she expects others to live by if she is to spend the rest of her life with them. That doesn't necessarily mean any particular individual is obliged to follow her standards - they are free to live by whatever other standard they choose.

OP - I'm a little confused at why you're talking about "not denying him sex" when you're not married but still worrying about him using inappropriate contentography. To expect him to maintain a high standard of sexual purity where inappropriate content is concerned while not expecting him or yourself to maintain a comparable standard where your own sex life is concerned seems unusual.

Ultimately you and he have to decide between yourselves what is and what is not acceptable within your relationship and if you find either of you have red lines where you're not willing to tolerate differences and can't reconcile you need to separate. Red lines aren't necessarily unreasonable - I wouldn't tolerate my wife having sex with anyone else, and she wouldn't tolerate me having sex with anyone else - and this is entirely reasonable however many other couples have more open marriages. If, for example, I wasn't willing to tolerate her being with other men and she insisted that our marriage had to be open, it wouldn't work out at all.

If you want to maintain Biblical standards in your life that's wonderful, and as a professing Christian you should be aiming to follow the example of Jesus Christ. It doesn't make it any easier when you're apparently picking and choosing which bits you want to follow while picking and choosing different bits that you expect your boyfriend to follow.

bbyrd009 · Jul 19, 2013

Serendipity.. said:
Thats not nice we Aussies are in the running too. We try to lower our standards at every opportunity so our women get a faux superiority and self justification in their opinions of themselves as the gossip about people.

Ha sounds familiar. As men, we must assume the blame, imo. When we stand up this will change; and I don't know about Australia, but chairs are scraping over here/now.

bbyrd009 · Jul 19, 2013

contango said:
Both points here are, I think, entirely valid. In fairness to the OP I think it's safe to say she gets to decide what standards she wants to live by and what standards she expects others to live by if she is to spend the rest of her life with them. That doesn't necessarily mean any particular individual is obliged to follow her standards - they are free to live by whatever other standard they choose.

OP - I'm a little confused at why you're talking about "not denying him sex" when you're not married but still worrying about him using inappropriate contentography. To expect him to maintain a high standard of sexual purity where inappropriate content is concerned while not expecting him or yourself to maintain a comparable standard where your own sex life is concerned seems unusual.

Ultimately you and he have to decide between yourselves what is and what is not acceptable within your relationship and if you find either of you have red lines where you're not willing to tolerate differences and can't reconcile you need to separate. Red lines aren't necessarily unreasonable - I wouldn't tolerate my wife having sex with anyone else, and she wouldn't tolerate me having sex with anyone else - and this is entirely reasonable however many other couples have more open marriages. If, for example, I wasn't willing to tolerate her being with other men and she insisted that our marriage had to be open, it wouldn't work out at all.

If you want to maintain Biblical standards in your life that's wonderful, and as a professing Christian you should be aiming to follow the example of Jesus Christ. It doesn't make it any easier when you're apparently picking and choosing which bits you want to follow while picking and choosing different bits that you expect your boyfriend to follow.

Oh, snap. Prolly the cause of this inappropriate content infestation; your tacit permission. You are married in God's eyes already, if you are sleeping together.

Tomk80 · Jul 19, 2013

Freodin said:
My personal sexual preferences are completely irrelevant for this question... trying to evade my point by attacking my person is a fallacious way of argumentation. It is not a sign of an open communication.

Your very limited and selfish views are not the yardstick the world is measured by.
You don't get to set these standards for all humanity, not even by attributing them to divine origins.

What you do for yourself is your thing. What you can get others to agree with, is as well.

What you tell others they ought to do, in order to be "real men" or "real women"... that is quite intrusive and annoying.

You came here asking for advice. My advice is: if you are not willing to search for a compromist in a relationship... you are not suited to a relationship. Get out while it is still easy.

I find your last statement a bit weird. It would seem to me that we have points in our relationship where we can or will compromise, and points where we cannot / will not. What these points are, will be different for different people. Personally, I put the line with fluffy bunnies in the living room. Anything else goes, but fluffy bunnies are out.

As to the OP:
I personally do not think inappropriate content (or the soft-core erotica that your boyfriend seems to be into) is a bad thing, even when you are in a relationship. But that is a personal preference.
I do wonder to what extent things like sex "addictions" are real things, rather than just an excuse. Not saying addictions do not exist, I just question whether the term addiction isn't used quite quickly for behavior that we participate in and just do not want to quit. That said.

You are in a relationship with someone else, and you will both have different ideas on what lines you have and where you think you can make compromises. So you will need to figure out for yourself whether this is a line that cannot be crossed.

If your boyfriend has stopped watching erotica, but still has made back-ups, and if his addiction is real, this might be a kind of safe-guard for him. But he clearly (from your story) has given up some behavior that you do not like, which for me signals that he is serious in his commitment to you. You then might want to leave it at that for a while, let him get used the new situation and take the next step later (spring cleaning: "hey, you still have these CD's lying around. You never look at them anymore, let's throw them away"). Although this might be a bit manipulative, if it really is an addiction, getting rid of it in stages might be an idea.

Regarding the "emasculation"-bit. That is absolute and utter nonsense. He's an adult, not some five-year old. So by now he should be able to control himself. That has nothing to do with whether he is a man or not.

Gadarene · Jul 19, 2013

earningmywings · Jul 21, 2013

Tomk80 said:
I find your last statement a bit weird. It would seem to me that we have points in our relationship where we can or will compromise, and points where we cannot / will not. What these points are, will be different for different people. Personally, I put the line with fluffy bunnies in the living room. Anything else goes, but fluffy bunnies are out.

As to the OP:
I personally do not think inappropriate content (or the soft-core erotica that your boyfriend seems to be into) is a bad thing, even when you are in a relationship. But that is a personal preference.
I do wonder to what extent things like sex "addictions" are real things, rather than just an excuse. Not saying addictions do not exist, I just question whether the term addiction isn't used quite quickly for behavior that we participate in and just do not want to quit. That said.

You are in a relationship with someone else, and you will both have different ideas on what lines you have and where you think you can make compromises. So you will need to figure out for yourself whether this is a line that cannot be crossed.

If your boyfriend has stopped watching erotica, but still has made back-ups, and if his addiction is real, this might be a kind of safe-guard for him. But he clearly (from your story) has given up some behavior that you do not like, which for me signals that he is serious in his commitment to you. You then might want to leave it at that for a while, let him get used the new situation and take the next step later (spring cleaning: "hey, you still have these CD's lying around. You never look at them anymore, let's throw them away"). Although this might be a bit manipulative, if it really is an addiction, getting rid of it in stages might be an idea.

Regarding the "emasculation"-bit. That is absolute and utter nonsense. He's an adult, not some five-year old. So by now he should be able to control himself. That has nothing to do with whether he is a man or not.

Your post made good sense, thank you for some positive suggestions.
We have sorted things out wonderfully this weekend, where we are both extremely happy with an outcome of a good balanced respect for each other.

God is awesome

Tomk80 · Jul 21, 2013

earningmywings said:
Your post made good sense, thank you for some positive suggestions.
We have sorted things out wonderfully this weekend, where we are both extremely happy with an outcome of a good balanced respect for each other.

God is awesome

That is good to hear. The best of luck to you both!

Am I expecting too much from men?

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