Am I expecting too much from men?

earningmywings said:

What makes a real man is a man who can walk in the spirit of God and say to the world, I honour and love and respect and value the woman that God gave me.

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And what makes a real woman is a woman who publicly criticizes the man God gave her? Just wondering.

earningmywings said:

Thank you all for your posts.
Yes he does have an addiction and has admitted it. He says because he no longer watches it and I am being unreasonable and I should just trust he never looks at the backup cd's. I have walked away from the relationship and he says he will get rid of but when I go back to him, they have just been moved from computer to cd's which he says he lied to keep me but doesn't watch. We are at an impasse, as he says he holds on them in case I leave (it upsets me he thinks inappropriate content is still a viable option even for single men) and I find it difficult to fully commit my heart until he has truly dealt with getting rid of it fully. My next step is professional counselling for us both

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This kind of behaviour seems very much like he's pretending to play the game your way but really keeping things in reserve, just in case.

If he's committed to getting rid of the inappropriate content he can get rid of it. If he's not getting rid of it then he's not committed to getting rid of it. He can come up with all sorts of fine-sounding reasons why he needs the backups of it (if you break up? Really? It's not like he couldn't find whatever inappropriate content took his fancy online within a few seconds of you walking out of the door if that ever did happen).

This is the sort of situation where you have to decide what's more important to you and make that clear to him. If you're willing to keep this guy around and accept he's got other woman (albeit virtual women) in his study then put up with it. If you're not willing to accept that you have to make it very clear to him that either the inappropriate content goes (and that means the backups, the CDs, everything) or you walk out the door and never come back.

I guess I wish that he gives it up for God more than me, but I pray the Lord works in both of us always. I am willing to be open to changes in attitude that I must make as well if need be.
You have all been most helpful and it is good to know that others do not accept inappropriate contentography as part of relationship as so many out there do today
We do have intentions to marry, but this is such an important absolute line for me , it must be worked out before then.
I loathe what inappropriate content does to relationships and I hate that woman are considered "insecure" because they choose to set Godly boundaries. Would you believe there are even Christian inappropriate content sites???

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Sometimes you need to work things out between you but if you truly believe that any particular area of your relationship is one where you have absolute boundaries where you won't accept any compromise you need to make those clear, make the consequences of crossing the boundaries clear, and then stay true to your commitment. If you tell him that if he doesn't get rid of the inappropriate content you'll leave, then accept his excuses for keeping some backups of the inappropriate content, all you've done is tell him that you don't actually mind the inappropriate content.

earningmywings said:

Agreed. Counselling is the answer I believe.

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If the only possible outcome from your perspective is that must change/be changed and your position is immovable I think counselling is a waste of time and money.

earningmywings said:

... snip ...

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I respect your opinion. If this is the way you see it, and you find a partner to support you in this view - even if you have to coerce him - I will wish you nothing but happiness.

But for you to present this view as an absolute standard that everyone - every "real man" - must adhere to is false.

It is not only false, but also very insulting to every man and woman who thinks otherwise, who do not see it the way you do, and who do not have any of these problem with their sexuality.

You started this thread with a request for advice... but it is quite clear that you won't listen to advice or consider any other opinion that your own.

You don't want advice. You want affirmation... and while there are certainly people who agree with you and will confirm you in your set opinions, there are of of others who do not.

These people are not lesser than you are and no more wrong than you are. Perhaps they are just a little more open, and... yes... less selfish than you are.


I for one am rather happy that I don't need to have a relationship with you.

earningmywings said:

It is cheating. When you get your sexual satisfaction from something other than your partner you are cheating. Cheating them out of the opportunity to have sex and to be satisfied. inappropriate content is selfish and has no place in a serious, intimate, exclusive relationship. It is disloyal.

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Why didn't you say this up front? You have to leave him. Period. You are on the road to disaster if you stay with him.


eudaimonia,

Mark

Thats an unhealthy obsession for sure, I would be worried if I were you. I mean a desktop wallpaper of a girl in a nice pose or a sexy calendar on the office wall isn't weird but why save on a disk what's freely available anytime on the net? I hate to say it but that habit is a bit odd and alarm bells are ringing for me with this. How long will it be before the fantasy becomes real and infidelity rears its head?

Eudaimonist said:

Why didn't you say this up front? You have to leave him. Period. You are on the road to disaster if you stay with him.

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Yep, this. Plus the more I read, the more I think the answer to the original question is yes. She's going to have to work hard to find someone who lives up to the standards she wants - and who is willing to unconditionally submit control over their own thoughts and body to her. I guess at some point the decision between being alone because no man lives up to her fantasy - oops, that's cheating - I mean standard and compromising her morals.

Serendipity.. said:

Thats an unhealthy obsession for sure, I would be worried if I were you.

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Which one has the unhealthy obsession? Him or her?

I mean a desktop wallpaper of a girl in a nice pose or a sexy calendar on the office wall isn't weird but why save on a disk what's freely available anytime on the net? I hate to say it but that habit is a bit odd and alarm bells are ringing for me with this. How long will it be before the fantasy becomes real and infidelity rears its head?

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You are missing the point. She already views his desire for inappropriate content as cheating. The "infidelity" is already there in her mind. What can real infidelity add to that?

I seriously doubt that he will be unfaithful in any real sense, especially if he has access to his inappropriate content. Even if he is denied inappropriate content, he might still be faithful, but she will never be happy as long as he has some aspect of his sexuality that is not reserved for her exclusively. He will be unhappy as well, whether he attempts to give up inappropriate content or not. This is a Greek tragedy in the making.


eudaimonia,

Mark

KCfromNC said:

Yep, this. Plus the more I read, the more I think the answer to the original question is yes. She's going to have to work hard to find someone who lives up to the standards she wants - and who is willing to unconditionally submit control over their own thoughts and body to her. I guess at some point the decision between being alone because no man lives up to her fantasy - oops, that's cheating - I mean standard and compromising her morals.

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Come on a guy in a relationship who spends his time fantasising over hundreds of other women is compensating for something and that thing he is not compensating is satisfaction in a relationship. Theres no way I would fill my mac with inappropriate content pics out of respect to my wife or my faith. Lol I do occasionally put a skanky blonde wallpaper on it to annoy her if she annoys me for a tease then I get rid of it.

Hetta said:

And no, you are not "expecting too much of men." Men are not beasts.

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Nah we are lower than that in some misguided womens eyes. We are just like you girls and more alike than you think. Its just at some points in our lives we are obsessed with sex more than girls and that is an important thing for babies to be born and its annoying to us as well. Its part of being male and doesn't mean we are bad people.

Mystman said:

It may again not be entirely logical, but my feelings seem to make a distinction between "pure" fantasy, and fantasy that is just a bit too close to reality for my liking.

Or as example: I would have no problem with the wife fantasizing about having sex with Brad Pitt, or watching inappropriate content starring some guy from the other side of the world. But her fantasizing about having sex with her handsome colleague, or some hot guy she saw on the train, feels repulsive, even if she has no intention of ever acting on any fantasies.

It's the distinction between totally impossible fantasies purely intended for entertainment (like a child (*coughoradultcough*) fantasizing what he would do if he was a medieval king or won a billion dollars), and fantasies that could happen, so a partner thinking about them can inspire doubt, uncertainty, jealousy, etc.

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I have heard from some women that they draw a distinction something like this between watching visual inappropriate content and reading inappropriate contentographic literature (such as Fifty Shades of Gray). Those women have said that literary inappropriate content is completely imaginary--there was never any real human being ever involved, and each woman reading it will have a different image of the people and scenes depicted--it's a total fantasy. OTOH, visual inappropriate content does involve real human beings in real sexual activity...it's not a fantasy.

He loves you; just put your foot down. Leaving might be appropriate, to get his attention, but needn't = divorce.

Eudaimonist said:

Why didn't you say this up front? You have to leave him. Period. You are on the road to disaster if you stay with him.

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I have seen marriages break up over just this very issue, exactly as the OP described. Apparently the man's first wife didn't mind his inappropriate content usage (whatever it was); he was widowed and remarried. He he was unable to give it up for whatever reason when the second wife demanded it. They got divorced and he had to buy her out of the home that had been in his family for generations. My advice, again, is do NOT marry this man! If you're interested in getting remarried, break up with him and find someone whose values are closer to yours.

RDKirk said:

I have heard from some women that they draw a distinction something like this between watching visual inappropriate content and reading inappropriate contentographic literature (such as Fifty Shades of Gray). Those women have said that literary inappropriate content is completely imaginary--there was never any real human being ever involved, and each woman reading it will have a different image of the people and scenes depicted--it's a total fantasy. OTOH, visual inappropriate content does involve real human beings in real sexual activity...it's not a fantasy.

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I'd draw the distinction based on the "reality" of the scenarios. Visual inappropriate content can have a setting or storyline that's so ridiculous that it becomes total fantasy (like the Lord of the Rings), while literary inappropriate content can have a setting and storyline so realistic that it becomes a bit too close for comfort (if you have a babysitter, and your husband's favourite stories are all about men having sex with the babysitter..).

RDKirk said:

I have heard from some women that they draw a distinction something like this between watching visual inappropriate content and reading inappropriate contentographic literature (such as Fifty Shades of Gray). Those women have said that literary inappropriate content is completely imaginary--there was never any real human being ever involved, and each woman reading it will have a different image of the people and scenes depicted--it's a total fantasy. OTOH, visual inappropriate content does involve real human beings in real sexual activity...it's not a fantasy.

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Potato, potahto.

Both are fantasies and consumed for people's enjoyment. In that regard, there is little difference.

It isn't inherently wrong, but if it's not what makes you happy then he will need to make a choice either way. I think some level of personal fantasy / sexual activity is completely fine and it doesn't bother me if my partner wants to engage in the same. It's hot, for one thing. But if that's where the line stops for you, then that's fine.

I would say that like all habits it is one that should be controlled by the user, not the user controlled by a habit. If any habit gets out of hand in this way, then it is a problem, though that does not mean the habit is inherently wrong. If your chap wants to quit, then there are programs like SAA that might help.

That said, this idea that not engaging in this behaviour makes you somehow not a "real man" - a phrase which is completely meaningless in the first instance - is incorrect.