Am I expecting too much from men?

earningmywings · Jul 16, 2013

Mystman said:
Would it maybe be a compromise, and a good way of really getting to understand each other, if you went through the material together, with the idea that he deletes 90%-95% of it, and that he explains to you the significance of the stuff he keeps? Might give some uncomfortable conversation, depending on how open he is about his sexuality, but I was always under the impression that openness and mutual understanding is the key to a good marriage =)

NO compromise. I do not want any man who has chosen me as a life partner looking at others having sex or another womans privates to get off. As far as I am concerned, it would not be acceptable to go down the road and look in at a couple having sex or a woman mastabating, how on earth does pixels on a computer make it any more ok?
What would happen if there was no electricity? how does this so called normal socially acceptable vulgarity then work for everyone?
Sorry, not mad at anyone here in particular but like I state, it is my non negotiable line, always has been, always will be.
Maybe it can't be fixed

earningmywings · Jul 16, 2013

SAT said:
.
What you did was give him your heart before he deserved it, now you are going to finish up with a broken heart or a broken marriage.
If you want my advice you are not good for each other, start afresh, you need to expect far more from your potential husband, and he will expect more from you, sorry if this offends, but I do think you are a very nice girl.

I am not offended

. I did do wrong sleeping with him and perhaps falling in love before I knew all this.
We are both older than 45, I simply did not realise this would be the type of issue I would be having at this age.
I was married 25 years before it ended 4 years ago to an alcoholic, the world has changed alot
I felt God had bought us together so perhaps I will wait and see what answers prayer brings me. Unless the Lord speaks to his heart, I am thinking perhaps things won't change as I cant stop feeling what I what I feel about inappropriate content either

I appreciate all those who have contributed to my sad [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] thread LOL

SAT · Jul 16, 2013

poolerboy0077 said:
Question:

If you replace the word "inappropriate contentography" with "music" would you still use the word addiction to describe it? This seems more like a gripe about nudity and sex being viewed and not so much the amount of it or his inability to function socially because he's legitimately hooked on it like an alcoholic

Click to expand...

.

When I format my responses they go all wrong lol, sorry guys I bake, sew, and love children, computers mock me lol.

If this guy listened to profane type music and could not give it up for another type of music then there would be no difference! you must understand he looks at these images and commits adultery in his heart. his heart is for the bringing of pleasure and happiness to his wife/GF, he is honest enough to show her this material so that would indicate to me he doesnt relate his actions as hurtful to his GF neither does he related it to; Matthew 5:27-28, now I would advise his GF to marry (so court) a Christian boy; 2 Corinthians 6:14, he is supposed to lead her! I would ask where is it that he is leading her?

SAT · Jul 16, 2013

earningmywings said:
I am not offended . I did do wrong sleeping with him and perhaps falling in love before I knew all this.
We are both older than 45, I simply did not realise this would be the type of issue I would be having at this age.
I was married 25 years before it ended 4 years ago to an alcoholic, the world has changed alot
I felt God had bought us together so perhaps I will wait and see what answers prayer brings me. Unless the Lord speaks to his heart, I am thinking perhaps things won't change as I cant stop feeling what I what I feel about inappropriate content either

I appreciate all those who have contributed to my sad [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] thread LOL

hi, I hear much of what you say weekly! I run relationship/marriage courses at my church , I have both Christian and secular women on them, I teach the young girls how to protect their hearts so they may make sensible decisions and not ones based on emotion only, these work for any age I am 22 but that doesnt mean I cant advise someone 42, and they me, I would be advising you if in my class that you need to be careful that you are not attracted to the wrong sort of man, not that is what you want but more that you attract, I would have to ask you some deep and personal questions to find this out, not a place to do it here. In my class my arms would be around you and we would both be crying as we would be morning the loss of this relationship.
if I can be of any help whatsoever do contact me. I love you my sister.

FireDragon76 · Jul 16, 2013

daniel777 said:
I don't think the idea of a man controlling himself in a committed relationship is unrealistic, and the "defending inappropriate content as a right to his manhood" sounds a bit ridiculous.

I agree... I'm pretty liberal about sexual morality compared to alot of Christians on these forums, but it's not unrealistic to expect self control in men and I find it hard to justify inappropriate contentography.

RDKirk · Jul 16, 2013

Eudaimonist said:
If a man is not willing to throw away his music collection, has he got an addiction?

If a man is not willing to give up a career that he loves, has he got an addiction?

If a man is not willing to give up his religion, has he got an addiction?

The word "addiction" is thrown around too casually these days. Anything can be regarded as an addiction if it is someone's cherished value.

In any case, there is clearly an incompatibility and an unwillingness to reach a compromise position. This does not bode well for the relationship. This isn't my "atheist" view, it's a realistic view.

eudaimonia,

Mark

This is inappropriate contentography we're talking about. In fact, it's not even all inappropriate contentography. The woman has not said "No inappropriate contentography whatsoever."

KCfromNC · Jul 16, 2013

RDKirk said:
This is inappropriate contentography we're talking about. In fact, it's not even all inappropriate contentography. The woman has not said "No inappropriate contentography whatsoever."

Sure she has :

"NO compromise. I do not want any man who has chosen me as a life partner looking at others having sex or another womans privates to get off."

Aeroflotte · Jul 16, 2013

RDKirk said:
This is inappropriate contentography we're talking about. In fact, it's not even all inappropriate contentography. The woman has not said "No inappropriate contentography whatsoever."

Let me make it clear that I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just curious about what you think is special about inappropriate contentography that separates it from spending time listening to music, or spending extra time at the office, or obsessing over religion. What is the difference in the nature of these things? If inappropriate contentography is withholding sexual pleasures from the wife, then is that the same or different from withholding other types of pleasures from her, like for instance, the pleasure of spending time with her. When it comes down to the fundamentals, can't anything that is not helping the marriage hinder the marriage? I don't have an opinion completely formed about all of this, so it would be great to have another person's view on this to see how other people go about forming their own opinions.

KCfromNC · Jul 16, 2013

earningmywings said:
I was married 25 years before it ended 4 years ago to an alcoholic

Anyone else catch this bit?

I can see that someone coming out of a relationship with an addict might be a bit cautious and see addiction where there is none. We're still waiting to see a description of the actual harm this alleged inappropriate content habit is causing.

But if it is true that he's an addict, why the hurry to jump from one relationship with an addict to another? What's really going on here?

Mystman · Jul 16, 2013

Aeroflotte said:
Let me make it clear that I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just curious about what you think is special about inappropriate contentography that separates it from spending time listening to music, or spending extra time at the office, or obsessing over religion.

Most modern married people don't want their partner to have sex with others. It may not be entirely "logical" why that is the case when a married person can do all kinds of other things with strangers, but the emotions surrounding sex are just a lot stronger (probably because of a mix of biology and upbringing).

Viewing inappropriate contentography can then be seen as an extension of that. Your husband/wife watching others having sex, and fantasizing about participating, can feel related to cheating, "am I not good enough?!", that kind of thing.

CounselorForChrist · Jul 16, 2013

^that^

I wouldn't want my wife looking at inappropriate content because in my head its no different then her sleeping with someone other then me. Marriage means your exclusive to each other. Mixing on others aside from being a sin, also can ruin a marriage because your spouse might end up liking sex more from the other person. Where as staying between you two means you learn about each others like and dislikes in sex. You grow and bond.

Even aside from that I don't want to put myself in my wife knowing shes had a ton of other men in her aside from me while married. Its gross. Not to mention then it complicates things if she gets pregnant. I know many today are starting to become with extra people in their sex life but to me if thats how you feel then why not stay single and sleep around? Why call it marriage?

I think today more and more people are ruined by inappropriate content and stuff like that since things have become very sexual so they can't stand the idea of having sex with one person forever. They get "bored" and want to try something else. I'm just glad I am a christian and have a wife that believes as we should as christians.

Belk · Jul 17, 2013

earningmywings said:
NO compromise. I do not want any man who has chosen me as a life partner looking at others having sex or another womans privates to get off. As far as I am concerned, it would not be acceptable to go down the road and look in at a couple having sex or a woman mastabating, how on earth does pixels on a computer make it any more ok?
What would happen if there was no electricity? how does this so called normal socially acceptable vulgarity then work for everyone?
Sorry, not mad at anyone here in particular but like I state, it is my non negotiable line, always has been, always will be.
Maybe it can't be fixed

Then I suggest you leave the relationship. If this is a deal breaker then it is a deal breaker. Relationships only work if you are both able to compromise on the things you want. If there is no compromise it's time to go.

bbyrd009 · Jul 17, 2013

He loves you. You just need to remind him how much. You are in my prayers.

Eudaimonist · Jul 17, 2013

Belk said:
Then I suggest you leave the relationship. If this is a deal breaker then it is a deal breaker. Relationships only work if you are both able to compromise on the things you want. If there is no compromise it's time to go.

Wisdom^

eudaimonia,

Mark

Mystman · Jul 18, 2013

xfreakazoidx said:
^that^

I wouldn't want my wife looking at inappropriate content because in my head its no different then her sleeping with someone other then me.

It may again not be entirely logical, but my feelings seem to make a distinction between "pure" fantasy, and fantasy that is just a bit too close to reality for my liking.

Or as example: I would have no problem with the wife fantasizing about having sex with Brad Pitt, or watching inappropriate content starring some guy from the other side of the world. But her fantasizing about having sex with her handsome colleague, or some hot guy she saw on the train, feels repulsive, even if she has no intention of ever acting on any fantasies.

It's the distinction between totally impossible fantasies purely intended for entertainment (like a child (*coughoradultcough*) fantasizing what he would do if he was a medieval king or won a billion dollars), and fantasies that could happen, so a partner thinking about them can inspire doubt, uncertainty, jealousy, etc.

quatona · Jul 18, 2013

earningmywings said:
NO compromise[...] it is my non negotiable line, always has been, always will be.

Your OP sounded a bit different to me.

Freodin · Jul 18, 2013

Perhaps I, being a single from conviction, have a too relaxed attitude to this whole sex thing.

But I cannot but wonder what the real difference is. If I like to go out to some fancy Thai or Greek restaurant, or even to McBurgers... am I cheating on my partner? Does it make hir feel "Oh, my cooking is not good enough! What do they cook that I cannot offer?"

Ok, I do know some of the difference. Sex is a lot more intimate than eating.

But this is not cheating we are talking about here, not having a sexual relationship with some other human beyond your avowed partner. It is only inappropriate contentography. Fantasy.

I could even understand my partner objecting to me eating out... barely. But if s/he wanted to forbid me collecting Thai recipies and cooking them for my own pleasure, because it makes her feel insecure about her own cooking...

If Not For Grace · Jul 18, 2013

"Should I trust him more that he doesn't look at it anymore and the fact he has cd backups shouldn't be an issue?"

No-A wolf will be a wolf and you can not make it a dog no matter how bad you would like him to be. inappropriate content addiction is a symptom of deep issues and requires a comittment and desire to change. Dealing with issues takes TIME..changing habits takes TIME and much much effort. Every try to loose weight, quit smoking or go a week without complaining..???

What you have to do is decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or not. You can not change him nor can he change FOR you. He has to come to his own conclusion and is only trying to passify you. He will be unable to keep that act up for long.

quatona · Jul 18, 2013

Freodin said:
Perhaps I, being a single from conviction, have a too relaxed attitude to this whole sex thing.

But I cannot but wonder what the real difference is. If I like to go out to some fancy Thai or Greek restaurant, or even to McBurgers... am I cheating on my partner? Does it make hir feel "Oh, my cooking is not good enough! What do they cook that I cannot offer?"

Ok, I do know some of the difference. Sex is a lot more intimate than eating.

But this is not cheating we are talking about here, not having a sexual relationship with some other human beyond your avowed partner. It is only inappropriate contentography. Fantasy.

I could even understand my partner objecting to me eating out... barely. But if s/he wanted to forbid me collecting Thai recipies and cooking them for my own pleasure, because it makes her feel insecure about her own cooking...

Jealousy is not a virtue, in my book.
While I understand that each of us struggles with it at some point or another (and I certainly know how it feels), I don´t seem to understand the attempts to rationalize and justify it - even less when it´s extended to inanimate objects, to thoughts and to fantasies etc.

earningmywings · Jul 18, 2013

Freodin said:
Perhaps I, being a single from conviction, have a too relaxed attitude to this whole sex thing.

But I cannot but wonder what the real difference is. If I like to go out to some fancy Thai or Greek restaurant, or even to McBurgers... am I cheating on my partner? Does it make hir feel "Oh, my cooking is not good enough! What do they cook that I cannot offer?"

Ok, I do know some of the difference. Sex is a lot more intimate than eating.

But this is not cheating we are talking about here, not having a sexual relationship with some other human beyond your avowed partner. It is only inappropriate contentography. Fantasy.
I could even understand my partner objecting to me eating out... barely. But if s/he wanted to forbid me collecting Thai recipies and cooking them for my own pleasure, because it makes her feel insecure about her own cooking...

It is cheating. When you get your sexual satisfaction from something other than your partner you are cheating. Cheating them out of the opportunity to have sex and to be satisfied. inappropriate content is selfish and has no place in a serious, intimate, exclusive relationship. It is disloyal.
God made sex in relationship as a special gift. It involves ALL senses, and inappropriate content is a selfish act that has no real connection to real people or on any level other than selfish satisfaction. It is addictive and non relative, unreal and vulgar.
If men want more than one woman then they have no place in a godly relationship.
inappropriate content is for people who have ceased to relate in the real world.
There is no compromise in adultery of the heart. A man either wants a warm, loving real woman and commitment in reality or he wants to live in the false world of 2 minute lust.
I am not insecure, in fact woman who let men have inappropriate content are insecure. They do not have the strength and self worth to know that they are enough for a man
Not all things in relationship are compromise. if your partner took drugs or alcohol or murdered, would you say to them, ok only one heron hit today? or it's okay to keep booze all around the house? No!
The lord asks us to stand up for what is good and right. I am allowed to love someone but have boundaries on certain behaviour.
And despite the right or wrong, it is something that polarises people. And it upsets me. a lot. If he says he doesn't even watch it , then why keep the backups? And why hold on to something so pathetic over the loss of a wonderful partner? Where is his respect for me?
It is NOT fantasy when a man uses real woman to satisfy his sexual needs outside of the relationship. A bunch of pixels don't take away the fact these are real people, with real families and lives.
Men tell themselves its all fantasy to justify the utter disrespect they have for the woman they are with. Too many men think their manhood is all wrapped up in their sexuality. What makes a real man is a man who can walk in the spirit of God and say to the world, I honour and love and respect and value the woman that God gave me.
Whew.. that was awesome to say all that. LOL

Am I expecting too much from men?

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