Years of scrupulosity

There was countless nights I wanted to give up. I kept telling the Lord that no matter how much I tried to believe I just couldnt.

I promised God that no matter what I won't give up. Eventually God got through to me. He showed me how badly i was being decieved. First thing I stopped doing was searching for answers online and through this forum. I needed God to help me.

Don't give up. I know it seems hopeless at times but God has a plan for you. The enemy wants you to give up, wants you to accept that this is the way it is. But God has a bigger plan

What exactly is causing you to doubt your salvation, whats happening?

To be specific what is the exact OCD thought? What does your OCD say to you to make you doubt. What is the exact phrase? Or is it just a generalized feeling?

Part of my OCD is not seeing myself how God's sees me. At times I can see myself as very worthless and "disposable" to God. At times I don't trust that He wants me or will seek after me, but the bible says,

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31

For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5

We are His treasures; treasures He died for. If we slip away He will surly pursue us. You must trust Him for your salvation, not your anxiety. I know it's hard, but He will help you.

It seems like you have turned reading your bible into a ritual. Just like how other people with OCD fear germs, they wash their hands to get rid of the fear. But then they doubt weather or not their hands are clean so they clean their hands again and again. You have turned bible reading into they way you "wash your hands" or "wash your mind."

I think the fear of your salvation is a byproduct or a symptom of the real issue of how you view God and your self-worth.

You need to see God as loving and compassionate, for that is His nature. You must realize that you are precious in His eyes. You see your faults. He sees you through eyes of love and compassion. There is a song I listen to called You Love Me Anyway by Sidewalk Prophets. It helps me see how God loves me.

Ephesians 2:10
New Living Translation (NLT)
10 For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

I would eliminate any thoughts that start off with "what if" or "should be."

Your OCD runs on "what ifs." If you have "what ifs" you must realize that these are lies from your OCD, not God's Holy Spirit. God's Spirit is not a spirit of fear. That pain inside you is NOT God.

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." Romans 8:15

Just remember that your "what ifs" aren't from God. That anxiety you feel is not God. Don't think that the pain inside you is God, it is NOT. Your OCD lying to you, and pretending to be God's voice. satan does this so we are afraid to come into God's healing hands for help.
We must also realize the ridiculousness of our own thoughts: Your OCD makes you afraid that you will go to hell, so in an effort to relieve this fear you consider giving up and going to hell, while all along you had salvation. satan is trying to get you to sabotage yourself. Don't let Him. Rest in God for your salvation. You are His treasure. In love He will pursue you.

Surrender your thoughts to God, tell Him that your are helpless, He will in-power you.
When the anxiety comes don't agree with the lie of your OCD with "what if" thoughts. As soon as those thoughts arise, don't continue to confirm the absolute lie with a string of doubts and other "what ifs". Surrender your thoughts to God.

For me, there came a point when I was done being beaten and abused and giving into every demand my OCD gave me. God will help you rise up! Surrender to Him.

What are the scriptures you were reading, are they about God's nature, or about your salvation in general?

And sorry, do you mean you are starting to see as your OCD as a hinderence to your salvation?

You may need to fast and pray about it. Fasting and praying changes things.

Accepting that your going to hell is exactly what the enemy WANTS you to do. In the end this type of acceptance will damage yourself spiritually and your personal relationship with God.

All these obsessions and fears about God and your salvation, there is a root problem in all of this. and for alot of people it is what was said by Thesweetestthings1.

I think the fear of your salvation is a byproduct or a symptom of the real issue of how you view God and your self-worth.

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Problem is many people do not see this until God reveals it to them.

You need to keep drawing closer to God, and hold captive these thoughts by the word of God. Expose the lies. It takes time, effort and alot of prayer and intimate time with God.

But coming to the point that you will accept that your going to hell is very destructive. You may not see it now but it will.

Ok, I wasn't sure by what you meant when you said, "I am attempting a new tactic of not reassuring myself... and instead assuring myself that because of my OCD i cannot be saved and go to hell."

I would seek counselling. I wouldn't try and do this alone. I think what you are trying to do is sort of like Cognitive-behavioural therapy, which you should seek the guidance of a Christian counsellor before you try to really and get into.

I have also had anxiety. Alot when i read the bible. And talking about salvation. I realized that i grew up in a home with strict dad and that that was my step dad my biological dad left us and had no desire to be with me. I. Realized that my anxiety was because i was scared God would leave me and when i tried to make him happy and fail he was mad at me. I realized God is LOVE. Nothing I can ever do will make him leave me. The verse in the bible that backs that is were God promises "I WILL NEVER NEVET LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU". I also realized that Jesus took all my sins when he was crucified on the cross and all the punishment that came with the sins. He arose the 3rd day assended into heaven sitted at the right hand of God our Fathet making intersession for me. WOW are we loved or what?

HE DID THAT FOR YOU TO ;-) . our human nature has trouble comprehending the unconditional love. The more you pray and read the word even through the fear the more you understand. The enemy causes fear not God. Holy Spirit convicts you and doesnt cause the fear. The enemy will make you feel condemned and that brings fear and anxiety. ,

I get the same feeling time and time again. I have the reassurance problem along with a blasphemy the Holy Spirit problem. So, being a fellow sufferer of scrupulosity, I can understand how it tortures you 24/7 (literally) and how even though people say something about salvation being simple etc. you cannot brong yourself to believe it. I also know that prayer is pretty ineffective. It works for a set amount of time, then boom, it's back. My advice would be develop techniques to deal with the OCD. Try listening to music, video games, reading the Bible while listening to music etc. Basically I'm saying that you have to multi-task. If you keep getting horrible thoughts, just do another thing and keep adding them 'till you can't think. Scrupulosity is torture, I know, but if you keep away from that area of Christianity, you'll be able eat, sleep and worship without thinking that way.

I completely understand what you are saying and go through the same thing frequently. You got a moment of relief and clarity, and within a few minutes you begin to doubt and distrust it, and end up in a worse place than you started. It would have been better not to have had the reassurance to begin with. Pure torture.