Advise from the Wise

Luther073082

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Thank you so much for opening my eyes on his behalf. You can get set in your way of doing things for so long you don't realize that it's you that's messing up. Now don't get me wrong I am the one asking for the advice so clearly I feel I have some fault in the situation at hand! I really want to thank you for thoughts and opinions! Really helped me see myself through his eyes.

You get set in your way of doing things for so long that you don't realize that this is something that might need to change when you get married too.

When your single and it's just you, it's certainly no mistake to spend your almost all your free time at church or doing whatever it is you like to do.

When you get married though you have a spouse at home that needs you to give them that free time.
 
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Rora47

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I wouldn't consider myself wise, but I have something to contribute.

I am the son of a pastor so I know what your upbringing was like. What is funny is it is my wife, and not me, who is always insisting upon church. This is important because it illustrates your upbringing and your desire to be so involved in "official" ministry are 2 different things. Church tends to push our social buttons in a way that makes them feel as if we are morally insulated from the emotional and spiritual issues God may be asking them to address at home.

Although I think you should continue to go to church, it's important to focus on how deep your emotional and spiritual roots are growing in your family, and that means your husband. :)
 
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mkgal1

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Okay last night I tried to compromise we didn't much accomplished cause was so busy telling me I'm gone all the time. So now he is talking about me going to graduations and dinners and he even brought up me being in my first cousins wedding saying that will just take up more time... I feel like those types of things are occasional and he shouldn't get upset about those situations. I mean come on this cousin was my maid of honor and I am her matron. I don't understand...

This ^ along with the following comment of yours,

So even when I am at home on a church night it's still not good enough. So I in turn just go to church if he is going to give me the silent treatment or make sarcastic comments. Why stay at home to make him happy.

all send up flags for me. I'm not saying it's definitive, but.....these are all signs of a controlling (and possibly, abusive) personality. Just be aware of what is/isn't healthy in a relationship.
 
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Rora47

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This ^ along with the following comment of yours,



all send up flags for me. I'm not saying it's definitive, but.....these are all signs of a controlling (and possibly, abusive) personality. Just be aware of what is/isn't healthy in a relationship.

I disagree. When her default behavior is to go to church and not deal with the issue, how is it going to get dealt with?

I'm not saying she's wrong, but speaking as someone who's been on the other side of similar behavior, just because the other person is wrong doesn't mean we are absolved of the responsibility of righteous action. As Christians, we are called to quite the opposite--turn the other cheek, give your cloak, etc. If you are not a part of the solution (Christ), you are part of the problem (sin)... even if that looks good on the outside like spending time in a church building.

In fact, I feel that if God has blessed one person with more clarity of right and wrong between the two of them, they should feel obligated not to abandon the other person just because they feel they are a burden and clearly "wrong" (really, there's no such thing as a "right"-Christian by their own doing). It's easy to go to church where people treat you nicely, then use standard as ammunition against your husband... but is this winning him over with good behavior, or just driving a wedge?
 
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mkgal1

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I disagree. When her default behavior is to go to church and not deal with the issue, how is it going to get dealt with?
What I'm talking about is how when she *is* home (which she said she tried to compromise by staying home----that's her "dealing with it")........he's using that time to further complain about other things (the wedding)......or give her the silent treatment. It's a red flag to me when one spouse is trying to isolate and punish the other.
 
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MaraPetra

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What I'm talking about is how when she *is* home (which she said she tried to compromise by staying home----that's her "dealing with it")........he's using that time to further complain about other things (the wedding)......or give her the silent treatment. It's a red flag to me when one spouse is trying to isolate and punish the other.

It IS a red flag, but not for what you are insinuating.

Chronically abusive actions and kneejerk reactions to a situation due to an inability to cope with emotions are two entirely different things. You do a disservice to the OP and her husband when you try to tag the "abusive" moniker on anyone, especially in a situation where you are not completely certain that there is ongoing abuse.

Not all men who respond incorrectly to an emotional situation are abusive. Some of them simply do not have the correct coping skills to adequately express themselves, which results in long-term suppression of emotions and culminates in a very unhealthy releasing of emotions in relationship-destructive ways such as intentionally ignoring the spouse or chronic complaining.

There's a strong reason I did not go the "abusive" route in my advice. I simply did not see indicators for chronic abuse in either the OP's emotional status or her description of her husband's actions.
 
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Rora47

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What I'm talking about is how when she *is* home (which she said she tried to compromise by staying home----that's her "dealing with it")........he's using that time to further complain about other things (the wedding)......or give her the silent treatment. It's a red flag to me when one spouse is trying to isolate and punish the other.

I don't think we should assume her staying home is what he ultimately wants. Sounds like there are other issues... and her not being there makes them impossible to address, at the very least. On deeper level, how he addresses them, or how she may not (since merely being home doesn't mean the issues are being addressed) may also be hurdles to actually resolving the matter.

I suspect she has never really addressed how he feels. She doesn't need to respond to his unhealthy behavior... she can look deeper and ask him "what's wrong?". Men are often times poor at communicating how they are really feeling if it's not as simple as food/sleep/sex because our culture doesn't encourage that.

In such a way, a woman can become the type of helper her husband is indebted towards... help him sort out his weak spots (emotions) where you have strengths. Just think of it like changing a tire (something he probably would do) except with emotions, an area you probably have an intuitive advantage with.
 
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Hetta

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There's a strong reason I did not go the "abusive" route in my advice. I simply did not see indicators for chronic abuse in either the OP's emotional status or her description of her husband's actions.
You didn't see it, but she did. That doesn't make you right and her wrong. It's simply a different perspective.
 
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MaraPetra

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You didn't see it, but she did. That doesn't make you right and her wrong. It's simply a different perspective.

When you live in an abusive situation for over a decade, and go through training for several years afterwards to help others in the same situation to cope and overcome the abuse, you tend to gain a knowledge of a differentiation between the two situations.

I'd be the first person to call a man "abusive" if the situation warrants it.
 
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ValleyGal

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When you live in an abusive situation for over a decade, and go through training for several years afterwards to help others in the same situation to cope and overcome the abuse, you tend to gain a knowledge of a differentiation between the two situations.

I'd be the first person to call a man "abusive" if the situation warrants it.

He uses sarcasm, the silent treatment, and nothing she does is good enough. She also mentioned control and bullying. At least four trademarks of abuse right there.
 
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Hetta

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When you live in an abusive situation for over a decade, and go through training for several years afterwards to help others in the same situation to cope and overcome the abuse, you tend to gain a knowledge of a differentiation between the two situations.

I'd be the first person to call a man "abusive" if the situation warrants it.
And there are different types of abuse to the one that you experienced.
 
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CounselorForChrist

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He now tells me that we need to go to counseling because he is about to call it quits.
Ugh. >.< He should be thrilled you love God more then him. Some spouses feel denied if their spouse does more christian activity then they do. And admittedly you can be so busy with your christian life that you forget about your spouse. Whatever the reasoning or feeling he has saying he will end it is just immature and shows his lack of understanding what a christian marriage is.
 
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Rora47

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Jesus replied, &#8220;And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? 4 For God said, &#8216;Honor your father and mother&#8217;[a] and &#8216;Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.&#8217; 5 But you say that if anyone declares that what might have been used to help their father or mother is &#8216;devoted to God,&#8217; 6 they are not to &#8216;honor their father or mother&#8217; with it. Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition. (Matthew 15)
 
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MaraPetra

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And there are different types of abuse to the one that you experienced.

Indeed, it has a plethora of hallmarks. But calling a man "abusive" when the accompanying emotional indicators show that the root cause is an unsuccessful meshing of two personalities with distinctly different agendas in prioritization, emotional immaturity and a lack of coping skills is, at best, irresponsible and, at worst, damaging to the woman who is asking for help and advice to make the situation better.

It's like trying to treat a pimple by bashing the area with a sledgehammer. It does much more harm than good to the overall situation and adds a dimension which need not even be in the workings.

By using "abusive" monikers, you place the blame squarely with one person, when in this case there are things which need to be done by both parties in order to affect a resolution to their current situation. It doesn't make either of them "bad" or "good" to realize that changes need to be made. In order for them both to facilitate counseling to repair the relationship, there needs to be a clear understanding that (a) there is trouble they cannot resolve on their own and (b) no single person is at fault. You rob both of that opportunity if you foster a victim mentality and bandy about labels which indicate one-sided fault. This is why I bristle at using labels in any way, shape or form when attempting to help someone sort out a thorny relationship.

I'm very impressed with the original poster's willingness to self-reflect upon actions and with her ability to see that there is pain on both sides. Her ability to empathize will do well for her personally, and you can see in her words that she has a good heart. While I cannot answer whether her husband will be so open-minded, I do think his attempt to resolve the situation by demanding counseling indicates at least a willingness to do more. There is a good chance that the relationship can be repaired.
 
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ValleyGal

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Indeed, it has a plethora of hallmarks. But calling a man "abusive" when the accompanying emotional indicators show that the root cause is an unsuccessful meshing of two personalities with distinctly different agendas in prioritization, emotional immaturity and a lack of coping skills is, at best, irresponsible and, at worst, damaging to the woman who is asking for help and advice to make the situation better.

How can you possibly come to that conclusion based on just a couple of posts? Seems like a lot of inferences being made here.
 
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Hetta

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By using "abusive" monikers, you place the blame squarely with one person, when in this case there are things which need to be done by both parties in order to affect a resolution to their current situation. It doesn't make either of them "bad" or "good" to realize that changes need to be made. In order for them both to facilitate counseling to repair the relationship, there needs to be a clear understanding that (a) there is trouble they cannot resolve on their own and (b) no single person is at fault. You rob both of that opportunity if you foster a victim mentality and bandy about labels which indicate one-sided fault. This is why I bristle at using labels in any way, shape or form when attempting to help someone sort out a thorny relationship.
I did none of the above.
 
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mkgal1

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Indeed, it has a plethora of hallmarks. But calling a man "abusive" when the accompanying emotional indicators show that the root cause is an unsuccessful meshing of two personalities with distinctly different agendas in prioritization, emotional immaturity and a lack of coping skills is, at best, irresponsible and, at worst, damaging to the woman who is asking for help and advice to make the situation better.

It's like trying to treat a pimple by bashing the area with a sledgehammer. It does much more harm than good to the overall situation and adds a dimension which need not even be in the workings.

By using "abusive" monikers, you place the blame squarely with one person, when in this case there are things which need to be done by both parties in order to affect a resolution to their current situation. It doesn't make either of them "bad" or "good" to realize that changes need to be made. In order for them both to facilitate counseling to repair the relationship, there needs to be a clear understanding that (a) there is trouble they cannot resolve on their own and (b) no single person is at fault. You rob both of that opportunity if you foster a victim mentality and bandy about labels which indicate one-sided fault. This is why I bristle at using labels in any way, shape or form when attempting to help someone sort out a thorny relationship.

I'm very impressed with the original poster's willingness to self-reflect upon actions and with her ability to see that there is pain on both sides. Her ability to empathize will do well for her personally, and you can see in her words that she has a good heart. While I cannot answer whether her husband will be so open-minded, I do think his attempt to resolve the situation by demanding counseling indicates at least a willingness to do more. There is a good chance that the relationship can be repaired.
For the record.....I used words like "probably" and "not definitive" (IOW.....I never called him abusive). I also said she should learn what is/isn't healthy in a relationship (that's what she *can* and should do). Beyond that.....the rest of us would be speculating.
 
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Believe it or not I have learned something from all the comments made. I am leaning and depending on God to lead and guide my marriage! God can change anybody and any situation both me and my husband have some changing to do! Thanks to all comments changes I need to make have been revealed. Thank you all!
 
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