Indeed, it has a plethora of hallmarks. But calling a man "abusive" when the accompanying emotional indicators show that the root cause is an unsuccessful meshing of two personalities with distinctly different agendas in prioritization, emotional immaturity and a lack of coping skills is, at best, irresponsible and, at worst, damaging to the woman who is asking for help and advice to make the situation better.
It's like trying to treat a pimple by bashing the area with a sledgehammer. It does much more harm than good to the overall situation and adds a dimension which need not even be in the workings.
By using "abusive" monikers, you place the blame squarely with one person, when in this case there are things which need to be done by both parties in order to affect a resolution to their current situation. It doesn't make either of them "bad" or "good" to realize that changes need to be made. In order for them both to facilitate counseling to repair the relationship, there needs to be a clear understanding that (a) there is trouble they cannot resolve on their own and (b) no single person is at fault. You rob both of that opportunity if you foster a victim mentality and bandy about labels which indicate one-sided fault. This is why I bristle at using labels in any way, shape or form when attempting to help someone sort out a thorny relationship.
I'm very impressed with the original poster's willingness to self-reflect upon actions and with her ability to see that there is pain on both sides. Her ability to empathize will do well for her personally, and you can see in her words that she has a good heart. While I cannot answer whether her husband will be so open-minded, I do think his attempt to resolve the situation by demanding counseling indicates at least a willingness to do more. There is a good chance that the relationship can be repaired.