Advise from the Wise

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Hello All, I have been married going on 9 months. Just a little background. I am a pastors daughter been in church and committed to God all my life. I know nothing else. I married a man who knew this about me but his faith is not as strong as mine. I know now that I should not have fell in love with this man but he gave me no indications that he would give me this much heartache about attending church on a regular basis. I go to church 2 nights a week and on Sunday Mornings. My husband says all I do is go to church church and more church.
Should I stop going to church so much to make him happy should I get out of the Choir so that I am not obligated when we have additional outings???
What should I do???
He now tells me that we need to go to couseling because he is about to call it quits.
Am I wrong for Serving God and am I in church to much???
HELP ME!!!

InConstantPrayer
 

Luther073082

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Hello All, I have been married going on 9 months. Just a little background. I am a pastors daughter been in church and committed to God all my life. I know nothing else. I married a man who knew this about me but his faith is not as strong as mine. I know now that I should not have fell in love with this man but he gave me no indications that he would give me this much heartache about attending church on a regular basis. I go to church 2 nights a week and on Sunday Mornings. My husband says all I do is go to church church and more church.
Should I stop going to church so much to make him happy should I get out of the Choir so that I am not obligated when we have additional outings???
What should I do???
He now tells me that we need to go to couseling because he is about to call it quits.
Am I wrong for Serving God and am I in church to much???
HELP ME!!!

InConstantPrayer

Seems like a petty thing to want to call it quits over. Are you sure there isn't more there then just a problem with attending church 3 times a week?

If it's just that I might consider dropping a night of church to spend with husband if it would make him happy. I know that God comes first, but I've heard of people using the "God comes first" excuse to spend their lives at their church and ignore their spouses, something I'm not sure God would applaud.

This of course does highlight the problems presented when you marry someone who does not put their relationship with God first in their lives because they will never understand you when you do so.

But all that having been said, this seems strangely petty to get this upset about. I can understand him saying that he'd like to spend more time with you and ask you to maybe spend less time at church so he can spend that time with you. But saying that he's thinking about divorcing because of this and to a lesser extent wanting to see a therapist, it seems like a lot over a small issue. (Don't get me wrong it's still an issue, you can't just ignore it cause it's small.)

I would see the therapist with him, I see no harm in it and it might bring out some other problems in your marriage that you may not be aware of. And I would also strongly consider dropping at least one night of church to spend with your husband. While God comes first it's important to not become so busy with serving God that we forget our role as a spouse. That's why Paul said sometimes it's better to be single because you have more time to spend serving God. Because now that you are married God would certainly not want you to forget your role as a spouse.
 
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ChristianGolfer

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Going to church a lot doesn't necessarily mean you're serving God.

You've been going to church your whole life. Don't you know what the Bible says about what is true religion?

Going to church is about personal edification and community worship. Serving God is something that happens outside of church walls as often as not.

Maybe you could find a compromise?

My guess is that your husband feels neglected. You're putting your church attendance above building your relationship with him.

So compromise. If you want to serve God, see if you can find a way to do that with your husband - outside of the church. Maybe he's sick of getting preached at. So, maybe see if the two of you can volunteer at a soup kitchen or something. Something he could get behind and do with you.

Or, even recognize that seeing to your husband's needs is also a way of serving God. Do everything for God's glory, right? Although I'm not a big one for preaching submission to wives... this may be an instance where submitting to your husband as unto the Lord is indicated.
 
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Puffinstuff

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My husband says all I do is go to church church and more church.

Of course he's exaggerating but I think that is code for he wants you not to be gone so many hours a week.Has he point blank asked you to cut back and if so how did you respond?I would agree though with Luther I wouldn't be happy about him basically threatening to divorce over this.To me that sounds like a bullying tactic.At the same time I don't think hes being unreasonable about what he is asking of you .If he was asking you to quit ever going to church all together that would be a different story.
 
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Luther073082

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Thanks for the response I am definitely praying about the situation.

That is fine, but make it a point to talk to your husband about this. Be open to the idea of dropping a night of church, but also ask if there are any other problems then just going to church 3 nights a week.

Unless this has been going on for a long time and you've just been ignoring him for a long time, I can't imagine why he would suddenly threaten divorce and want to see a therapist over an issue like this.

I don't know, but to me this seems like a problem that could be solved with a 10 minute discussion as long as nobody gets upset or angry.

Of course above all you have to approach it with an open mind and be patient. If you allow it to upset you then things will go nowhere. People generally lose the ability to reason when they are upset.
 
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Luther073082

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Of course he's exaggerating but I think that is code for he wants you not to be gone so many hours a week.Has he point blank asked you to cut back and if so how did you respond?I would agree though with Luther I wouldn't be happy about him basically threatening to divorce over this.To me that sounds like a bullying tactic.At the same time I don't think hes being unreasonable about what he is asking of you .If he was asking you to quit ever going to church all together that would be a different story.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt though. We have no indications that her husband has a habit of trying to be a bully and people don't just start being a bully out of no where.

If I had to guess there is some deeper issues at hand that for some reason he hasn't felt comfortable talking about in a direct way. And if that's true then it's important to get that information out of him.

Anyways if I had to guess I would say that he's unhappy over more then just 3 nights at church and not enough time spent with his wife. That doesn't make him a bully, just someone who avoiding issues that need to be discussed.

And like I said in my first post. . . if he wants to see a therapist, go. At the very least the therapist might be able to draw these problems out of him.
 
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Puffinstuff, I really think it was the way he approached me with it more like controlling or bullying... You can tell me I want this or that in a nice way and we could get a lot more accomplished that way but when it's like you trying to controll my every move that is a problem. There have been times when I didnt go to church just to make him happy and he would make comments like "Oh I know the church is not surviving without you" Okay well that will make me upset cause now I am like there is no pleasing this man... So even when I am at home on a church night it's still not good enough. So I in turn just go to church if he is going to give me the silent treatment or make sarcastic comments. Why stay at home to make him happy.
 
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Luther073082

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Puffinstuff, I really think it was the way he approached me with it more like controlling or bullying... You can tell me I want this or that in a nice way and we could get a lot more accomplished that way but when it's like you trying to controll my every move that is a problem. There have been times when I didnt go to church just to make him happy and he would make comments like "Oh I know the church is not surviving without you" Okay well that will make me upset cause now I am like there is no pleasing this man... So even when I am at home on a church night it's still not good enough. So I in turn just go to church if he is going to give me the silent treatment or make sarcastic comments. Why stay at home to make him happy.

Ok so this is valuable information. Would you generally qualify the relationship between you as unhappy?

I mean in every marriage there is good times, neutral times, and bad times. If the time you do spend together is a lot more bad then good then there is a problem there. (Neutral times is probably going to be the majority of the time though and that's ok.)

Sorry my first impression was he was just mad about not spending time with you, bit if there is more there we need to hear about it.
 
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Puffinstuff

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Puffinstuff, I really think it was the way he approached me with it more like controlling or bullying... You can tell me I want this or that in a nice way and we could get a lot more accomplished that way but when it's like you trying to controll my every move that is a problem. There have been times when I didnt go to church just to make him happy and he would make comments like "Oh I know the church is not surviving without you" Okay well that will make me upset cause now I am like there is no pleasing this man... So even when I am at home on a church night it's still not good enough. So I in turn just go to church if he is going to give me the silent treatment or make sarcastic comments. Why stay at home to make him happy.

Well see I'm sorry that's just mean.Hes mocking you which confirms my suspicion he's a little bit of a bully its seems.Does he act controlling in other ways or just over your church attendance?I would definately go get yourselves some counseling.
 
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Okay last night I tried to compromise we didn't much accomplished cause was so busy telling me I'm gone all the time. So now he is talking about me going to graduations and dinners and he even brought up me being in my first cousins wedding saying that will just take up more time... I feel like those types of things are occasional and he shouldn't get upset about those situations. I mean come on this cousin was my maid of honor and I am her matron. I don't understand...
 
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Luther073082

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Okay last night I tried to compromise we didn't much accomplished cause was so busy telling me I'm gone all the time. So now he is talking about me going to graduations and dinners and he even brought up me being in my first cousins wedding saying that will just take up more time... I feel like those types of things are occasional and he shouldn't get upset about those situations. I mean come on this cousin was my maid of honor and I am her matron. I don't understand...

Can you keep a log of how much time you do spend together? How much time would you say you spend with him in a week on average?

Why can't he go to the wedding? He should be able to spend much of the reception with you.

I agree that those things are occasional, but some people, (not saying you are) manage to keep their calender pretty full from these events.

What I guess I have not heard is how much time you do spend with him. And I will say that it's important to spend plenty of time with your spouse in your first year of marriage especially.

So what I'm trying to figure out is if he's being controlling or if he's got a legitimate complaint.

If you don't know about how much time you spend in a week with him keep a log of it. Time sleeping doesn't count. And if you are doing something in the house that you won't be pulled away from, that doesn't count either. So say time spent doing the dishes while he happens to be in the house doesn't count as "time spent with husband". But time watching TV or a movie with him does.

Also it counts if he's doing his own thing but it's not something he has to do. So if he's mowing the grass, that doesn't count. If he's playing a video game though it does.

I might also suggest maybe trying to set up a date or something like that.
 
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ValleyGal

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It sounds to me like his primary love language is quality time, and he likely feels he is not getting enough of it.

Many years ago, I read the story about the founder of Promise Keepers. It was a hugely successful men's event to support men in marriage. Unfortunately due to its success, he was often away from home - doing ministry (just as you are doing). One day his wife said she planned on leaving him because he was never home. It woke him up to realize that he was doing marriage ministry at the expense of his own marriage. He set limits on his ministry and saved his marriage - practiced what he preached.

This is to say that marriage is a testimony to the church and to the world about the reconciliatory ministry of the Lord Jesus....modeled after the relationship between Christ and the church. With that in mind, what do you want to say about Jesus with your marriage? Ministry begins at home. Your primary responsibility is to your husband. If that fails, it may very well invalidate all the work you do for the church.
 
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MaraPetra

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Puffinstuff, I really think it was the way he approached me with it more like controlling or bullying... You can tell me I want this or that in a nice way and we could get a lot more accomplished that way but when it's like you trying to controll my every move that is a problem. There have been times when I didnt go to church just to make him happy and he would make comments like "Oh I know the church is not surviving without you" Okay well that will make me upset cause now I am like there is no pleasing this man... So even when I am at home on a church night it's still not good enough. So I in turn just go to church if he is going to give me the silent treatment or make sarcastic comments. Why stay at home to make him happy.

Okay last night I tried to compromise we didn't much accomplished cause was so busy telling me I'm gone all the time. So now he is talking about me going to graduations and dinners and he even brought up me being in my first cousins wedding saying that will just take up more time... I feel like those types of things are occasional and he shouldn't get upset about those situations. I mean come on this cousin was my maid of honor and I am her matron. I don't understand...

I'm not very wise, but I'd like to give a few insights for you to consider.

I'm not seeing controlling behavior at all. What I'm seeing is a very frustrated man who's watching his wife do for everyone else, while giving him the message that he is secondary to all these other things. I'm seeing a man who is lashing out because he has no coping skills to deal with what he is experiencing emotionally. I can guarantee you that he did not realize that your focus would not be on him once you two were married.

Your husband is practically begging you to spend time with HIM...Not the church, not family and friends, not the next social function, but HIM. He's bringing up every instance you go out of the home because it sounds like he's either (a) being excluded completely from those activities, (b) he feels out of place when he goes to those activities with you, and/or (c) it's all about your interests/friends/family/responsibilities outside the home, with no allowances made for anything which may interest him.

In short, it sounds like he feels neglected and he just can't take it anymore.

Now, I'm not placing the blame squarely on your shoulders. I have a feeling you are quite oblivious to what you are doing. But it seems like you may be sabotaging your marriage unintentionally.

Being newly married is hard. You've gone from an autonomous (operating alone) social life (and yes, doing choir is considered part of this, from his perspective) to one where your every breath is shared with someone else. You have to adjust for living with someone, including sharing interests and social occasions. You can't just keep doing what you did before you were married, because there is this man in your life that you absolutely HAVE to consider if you want the marriage to remain healthy. If you tell him, "I have this, this and this that I need to go do.", you're giving the message that you are self-centered and unconcerned with his personal feelings. I'm not saying this is the reality, but it may very well be his perception. By staying busy, you are depriving him of the one thing he craves more than anything else...You, and you alone.

I see a great deal of love from him, even in his anger. If he didn't care about you, he wouldn't make that ultimatum. He would have just packed up and left. He's trying to salvage things, and I commend him for that effort. This can work of you both work on it. But it's going to take effort on your part because, from where I see it, he is not the one solely to blame for the current situation. It's both of you, in differing capacities. There's an incompatibility at work here which is very unhealthy and unsustainable in the long run.

You can, and should, make adjustments after you are married to include your spouse in your activities. You're no longer the single girl who is able to make every social commitment that comes her way. By the same token, he should also be able to express to you whether a situation is uncomfortable, lonely, uninteresting and/or distressing to him. The feeling I'm getting here (and I may be wrong, but that chance is slim) that he has trouble articulating his emotions in a non-destructive way. Thus, his explosions.

Do you know why all he does is complain, or give you the silent treatment, even when you stay home to appease him? I do. It's because he feels frustrated because he's unhappy when you're gone, and you're unhappy when you stay. Either way, he can't win. It's a terrible situation from his perspective. What man would be happy?

Sweetie, your life and activities should be closely entwined with your husband's. What you do should include him, interest him, and grow him as well as you. I'm not saying you should cloister yourself and not do anything unless your husband is with you, but at the same time, you can't have a social life in which your husband cannot participate. You won't forge a bond this way...If anything, you're severing bonds which, once cut, may be impossible to repair.

DO THE COUNSELING
. I cannot stress this enough. There are issues both with what you are currently doing, and with his emotional responses and emotional expressions. If you two continue on your current path, divorce is a very likely result. You need to be focused away from self and more on building your marriage. There will be time later for all the things other people need. Right now, you need to focus on getting yourself in a proper frame of mind for sharing your life with someone you love, rather than for yourself with your spouse waiting in the wings until you return. Again, I'm not saying you're doing this intentionally, but the message is strong in your words.

I know your father is a pastor, but I strongly recommend not using him for counseling. You need someone who is going to be objective to both your husband and to you.

So...What are your thoughts on this?
 
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ChristianGolfer

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What MaraPetra said is excellent advice.

I would also just note that it sounds like what your husband wants is for you to want to spend time with him. If you're doing it just to please him, he's going to sense that... thus the snarky comments when you do stay home. You're right, that's not a healthy way for him to express himself. But try to look past that and understand where the snark is coming from.

How about plan a date night? Plan something that you know he enjoys - whether that is going out to dinner and movie, or staying in. Maybe a romantic candlelight dinner? Something that he knows you planned just for him, a special thing so he realizes how much you love him and enjoy spending time with him. Woo him. Contrary to a lot of popular belief, men enjoy that kind of attention as much as women do.
 
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justbeyourbestself

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Hello All, I have been married going on 9 months. Just a little background. I am a pastors daughter been in church and committed to God all my life. I know nothing else. I married a man who knew this about me but his faith is not as strong as mine. I know now that I should not have fell in love with this man but he gave me no indications that he would give me this much heartache about attending church on a regular basis. I go to church 2 nights a week and on Sunday Mornings. My husband says all I do is go to church church and more church.
Should I stop going to church so much to make him happy should I get out of the Choir so that I am not obligated when we have additional outings???
What should I do???
He now tells me that we need to go to couseling because he is about to call it quits.
Am I wrong for Serving God and am I in church to much???
HELP ME!!!

InConstantPrayer

There's nothing wrong for serving God.. and... never feel guilty for loving someone

Pray to God, asking his relief, believe that He always has solution for our problem.. Forgive your husband for the pain he gives... Pray for him, so God will open his heart.. It has become your responsibility as wife to bring him back into the light..
 
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Thank you so much for opening my eyes on his behalf. You can get set in your way of doing things for so long you don't realize that it's you that's messing up. Now don't get me wrong I am the one asking for the advice so clearly I feel I have some fault in the situation at hand! I really want to thank you for thoughts and opinions! Really helped me see myself through his eyes.
 
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Hetta

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Okay last night I tried to compromise we didn't much accomplished cause was so busy telling me I'm gone all the time. So now he is talking about me going to graduations and dinners and he even brought up me being in my first cousins wedding saying that will just take up more time... I feel like those types of things are occasional and he shouldn't get upset about those situations. I mean come on this cousin was my maid of honor and I am her matron. I don't understand...
I just want to say that "love .. keeps no record of wrongs."

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

He needs to love you in this Biblical way - without the laundry list of all the things you are doing "wrong".
 
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