Puffinstuff, I really think it was the way he approached me with it more like controlling or bullying... You can tell me I want this or that in a nice way and we could get a lot more accomplished that way but when it's like you trying to controll my every move that is a problem. There have been times when I didnt go to church just to make him happy and he would make comments like "Oh I know the church is not surviving without you" Okay well that will make me upset cause now I am like there is no pleasing this man... So even when I am at home on a church night it's still not good enough. So I in turn just go to church if he is going to give me the silent treatment or make sarcastic comments. Why stay at home to make him happy.
Okay last night I tried to compromise we didn't much accomplished cause was so busy telling me I'm gone all the time. So now he is talking about me going to graduations and dinners and he even brought up me being in my first cousins wedding saying that will just take up more time... I feel like those types of things are occasional and he shouldn't get upset about those situations. I mean come on this cousin was my maid of honor and I am her matron. I don't understand...
I'm not very wise, but I'd like to give a few insights for you to consider.
I'm not seeing controlling behavior at all. What I'm seeing is a very frustrated man who's watching his wife do for everyone else, while giving him the message that he is secondary to all these other things. I'm seeing a man who is lashing out because he has no coping skills to deal with what he is experiencing emotionally. I can guarantee you that he did not realize that your focus would not be on him once you two were married.
Your husband is practically begging you to spend time with HIM...Not the church, not family and friends, not the next social function, but
HIM. He's bringing up every instance you go out of the home because it sounds like he's either (a) being excluded completely from those activities, (b) he feels out of place when he goes to those activities with you, and/or (c) it's all about your interests/friends/family/responsibilities outside the home, with no allowances made for anything which may interest him.
In short, it sounds like he feels neglected and he just can't take it anymore.
Now, I'm not placing the blame squarely on your shoulders. I have a feeling you are quite oblivious to what you are doing. But it seems like you may be sabotaging your marriage unintentionally.
Being newly married is hard. You've gone from an autonomous (operating alone) social life (and yes, doing choir is considered part of this, from his perspective) to one where your every breath is shared with someone else. You have to adjust for living with someone, including sharing interests and social occasions. You can't just keep doing what you did before you were married, because there is this man in your life that you absolutely HAVE to consider if you want the marriage to remain healthy. If you tell him, "I have this, this and this that I need to go do.", you're giving the message that you are self-centered and unconcerned with his personal feelings. I'm not saying this is the reality, but it may very well be his perception. By staying busy, you are depriving him of the one thing he craves more than anything else...You, and you alone.
I see a great deal of love from him, even in his anger. If he didn't care about you, he wouldn't make that ultimatum. He would have just packed up and left. He's trying to salvage things, and I commend him for that effort. This can work of you both work on it. But it's going to take effort on your part because, from where I see it, he is not the one solely to blame for the current situation. It's both of you, in differing capacities. There's an incompatibility at work here which is very unhealthy and unsustainable in the long run.
You can, and should, make adjustments after you are married to include your spouse in your activities. You're no longer the single girl who is able to make every social commitment that comes her way. By the same token, he should also be able to express to you whether a situation is uncomfortable, lonely, uninteresting and/or distressing to him. The feeling I'm getting here (and I may be wrong, but that chance is slim) that he has trouble articulating his emotions in a non-destructive way. Thus, his explosions.
Do you know why all he does is complain, or give you the silent treatment, even when you stay home to appease him? I do. It's because he feels frustrated because he's unhappy when you're gone, and you're unhappy when you stay. Either way, he can't win. It's a terrible situation from his perspective. What man would be happy?
Sweetie, your life and activities should be closely entwined with your husband's. What you do should include him, interest him, and grow him as well as you. I'm not saying you should cloister yourself and not do anything unless your husband is with you, but at the same time, you can't have a social life in which your husband cannot participate. You won't forge a bond this way...If anything, you're severing bonds which, once cut, may be impossible to repair.
DO THE COUNSELING. I cannot stress this enough. There are issues both with what you are currently doing, and with his emotional responses and emotional expressions. If you two continue on your current path, divorce is a
very likely result. You need to be focused away from self and more on building your marriage. There will be time later for all the things other people need. Right now, you need to focus on getting yourself in a proper frame of mind for sharing your life with someone you love, rather than for yourself with your spouse waiting in the wings until you return. Again, I'm not saying you're doing this intentionally, but the message is strong in your words.
I know your father is a pastor, but I strongly recommend not using him for counseling. You need someone who is going to be objective to both your husband and to you.
So...What are your thoughts on this?