blunted emotions or hard hearted?

Christownsme · May 24, 2013

I struggle with knowing whether I am hard hearted or I simply have blunted emotions (I take an antidepressant and schizoaffective meds too, like Abilify and Lithium).

I care deeply about my girlfriend, but for some reason I feel unexcited around her, and my attention is short around her. Yet if I search, I know I love her and would do anything to keep her happy because of that love. My problem is that I can't show it in my body language. My face affect is blunt, and I think my emotions are too.

Or is it because I'm hard hearted? When the tornado went thru Morris OK, I watched a video of school kids screaming while the tornado went thru. Even though I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone, I couldn't cry a tear. But deep down I felt terrible for the kids.

Do emotions heal up? Do they come back to us who are mentally ill? What's going on? Do any of you go thru the same thing?

LovebirdsFlying · May 24, 2013

I can't diagnose anything, of course, because I'm not qualified, but I can offer the observation that I have blunted emotions too. You have to have some mental energy going on, in order to feel an emotion. For what it's worth, I was the same way watching news about the Oklahoma City bombing, on a TV where I worked. Everybody around me was crying. Me, nothing. Not because I didn't care. I felt awful about it. But my emotions wouldn't come to the surface. On 9/11 a few years later, again getting the news in a public place, and watching TV among many others who were crying--same thing. Nothing out of me, although I did care.

suzybeezy · May 24, 2013

Not everyone wears their emotions on theirs sleeves and that's ok. You seem to recognize on some level that your lack of emotions may be having an impact on your girlfriend. Since you recognize it, I would recommend trying to demonstration your love through words and in actions, try simple things like a small note that says I love you or just to let her know you're thinking of her, and just be open that its just not in your personality to be overtly emotional. Those who love you will certainly understand your nature and make adjustments to their expectations.

Christownsme · May 24, 2013

suzybeezy said:
Not everyone wears their emotions on theirs sleeves and that's ok. You seem to recognize on some level that your lack of emotions may be having an impact on your girlfriend. Since you recognize it, I would recommend trying to demonstration your love through words and in actions, try simple things like a small note that says I love you or just to let her know you're thinking of her, and just be open that its just not in your personality to be overtly emotional. Those who love you will certainly understand your nature and make adjustments to their expectations.

Suzybeezy,
I like your "Don't judge others because they sin differently than you."

Anyway, those are some great ideas. I just remember what it was like before I had the disorder, and how fluid my emotions were, and how disrupted they are now, and I regret my past because of it. There's no way to change the past, but I often wonder will it ever return to normal or at least halfway normal?

LovebirdsFlying · May 24, 2013

Well... I went through a period of several years and never cried, no matter what. Now I can, sometimes, but not always.

And never in front of my family of origin, no matter how strong my emotions are. That's the part that's really weird.

Christownsme · May 24, 2013

I can cry, but it seems like I can't show joy or happiness. Maybe I'm not believing spiritually like I ought. Who knows. I'm sick of it, I'm tired.

LovebirdsFlying · May 24, 2013

If you can feel it but can't demonstrate it on the outside, I don't think that's about anything spiritual, believing, or not believing. I think Suzy gave good advice, write a note using words, even if your body language doesn't match. It doesn't have to, as long as the words are true. Saying words you feel, but not matching it to your body language, seems more honest to me than trying to force your body language to match what you feel. I've done that, and felt like I was being such a phony.

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