Confessing to wife about unfaithfulness

I wanted to hear some of the women speak about how they would respond and feel if their husband was honest and come to them and confessed that they were struggling with an affair or that they were struggling not entering into an affair with a woman at work?

If your husband confessed to you with honesty and sincerity, looking for help and said "I am struggling, there is this woman at work who I can't stop thinking about and wanting" what would you do?

Good question.

I can't pretend I woudn't be hurt and upset- I'd be surprised if any woman would simply accept it without feeling like that. But I would want to talk about it. I'd want to know how it came to that - what the situation was- how involved was he- what, if anything, were her actions/ feelings. I'd want to know if it was physical attraction, emotional or both. I'd want honesty. I'd want to make it clear that any involment with her would end right there and then. I'd expect him to tell her (if she was involved with him at all- depends if she knew of his attraction or not and if they'd acted on it in any way) that we had discussed it, that their relationship (whatever you want to call it) must end and make it clear that his marriage was sacred ground and not to be trodden on.

I'd also want to work out why this had got to this point- what, if anything, was lacking at home- if there were issues between us.

I'd also want to talk about what to do- how to avoid it going any further, removing himself from that situation and what to do about making sure this never arose again.

As I said, I'd be hurt- I'd be upset... maybe angry, depending on circumstances. But I'd respect the honesty and I'd be so glad that he was able to tell me. To me, that would say he trusted me and valued our marriage, even if it was under threat. I would know we had something worth saving.

Something tells me the other thread may be the inspiration for this question lol.

If he were "struggling" and hadn't yet acted on it beyond some flirting in the workplace, I'd be devastated, hurt, and angry, but I'd want to go immediately into counseling. After I'd kicked his butt and given him a thorough, verbal evisceration, that is. I don't give my heart and trust easily, and anyone who betrays me is going to feel some serious wrath. Yes, it's borne out of hurt, but I am not someone who will be trampled on.

I'd say - 'don't let the door hit you in the rear end'. I don't want any man that does not want me or his family.

I would examine my motive for confessing this. Is your motive to cleanse your own conscience? Do you believe it's the right thing for your spouse? What I don't think you should not do is dump your sin on your wife to make yourself feel better. I don't know the right answer but I wonder if it would be best to go to a Christian counselor first? I would certainly recommend bringing this issue to light to someone, and now, and run the other way before you've followed through on your desires.

OntheHorizon said:

If your husband confessed to you with honesty and sincerity, looking for help and said "I am struggling, there is this woman at work who I can't stop thinking about and wanting" what would you do?

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I would help him only if he was truly repentant and did not talk to the woman ever again. That is the only way it would work. Plus he'd have to hand over his cell phone and email passwords until we could get a handle on it. When he proved himself, then I would give it back to him.

I know you asked the women what they would do, but as a man who has (as most men will) struggle with being attracted to some other woman at some point in time, I'll give this advice:

Go to a man who is close to you in Christian fellowship and also close to Christ. This kind of thing is one of the main reasons to be in a men's group--in your church if possible, outside your church if necessary. "Iron sharpens iron," and a man who is not in close Christian fellowship with other men is not as prepared for battle as he could be.

This is the thing: Your wife can't help you with this problem. She can't. She can't even understand why you're having it. Even if you explained it, she won't understand...and her vision will be clouded by her own hurt, because women are not unfaithful for the same reasons that men are.

Your wife can't tell you how to stop. You need a strong Christian fellowship for that.

Fix the problem first.

I think you're wrong actually. Your wife knows you better than anyone in that men's fellowship does and she loves you more and is far more devoted than any of them too. She is the person you brave the storms of life with, more than anyone else. She means more to you than they do, and you mean more to her than you mean to them.

Sure she'll be emotionally involved but I don't believe detachment is the key. Sure she'll be upset but think about it, she's the one who already knows all your faults, all your failures, all your weaknesses, she knows these things already.

It's kind of like Frodo telling Sam not to come and expecting Sam to sit by while Frodo tries to get help from someone else. It's Frodo and Sam... it always has been and that's how it is, no one else knows you or cares that much about you. If anyone can help you through something I suspect it's your other part, the other part of you that is more qualified to speak for you, about you, to you than anyone else in this world is.

haha I remember a story of a preacher

He had preached the house down and he was in his car with his wife and he slightly closed his eyes, sighed and smiled little smile and asked his wife "How many TRULY great preachers do you think there are this world" and she replied with "one less than you think"

No one else would have told him that.

OntheHorizon said:

I think you're wrong actually. Your wife knows you better than anyone in that men's fellowship does and she loves you more and is far more devoted than any of them too. She is the person you brave the storms of life with, more than anyone else. She means more to you than they do, and you mean more to her than you mean to them.

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After 27 years of marriage, I'm still amazed at how much my wife does not know about how I work as a man and how much I don't know how she works as a woman.

Sure she'll be emotionally involved but I don't believe detachment is the key. Sure she'll be upset but think about it, she's the one who already knows all your faults, all your failures, all your weaknesses, she knows these things already.

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She will not understand how you can be in love with her and still have an attraction for another woman. Most importantly: She does not understand the specific gender-unique ways Satan attacks a man, not the way another Christian brother who has faced the same gender-unique attacks. She doesn't understand those attacks and she will not be able to tell you how to guard against them.

Honestly, she does not know all your faults because you have "man-faults" that she can't even fathom.

It's kind of like Frodo telling Sam not to come and expecting Sam to sit by while Frodo tries to get help from someone else. It's Frodo and Sam... it always has been and that's how it is, no one else knows you or cares that much about you. If anyone can help you through something I suspect it's your other part, the other part of you that is more qualified to speak for you, about you, to you than anyone else in this world is.

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I liked LOTR, and even when I read it back in the 70s, I saw immediately that Sam was the real hero of the story (I never understood why everyone buzzed on about Frodo).

But notice: Sam was not Frodo's wife.

It is said: Every Christian man needs a Paul (a mentor), a Barnabas (a brother), and a Timothy (a protege) in his life. It's your "Barnabas" who can tell you more honestly than anyone--including your wife--about yourself.

OntheHorizon said:

It's kind of like Frodo telling Sam not to come and expecting Sam to sit by while Frodo tries to get help from someone else.

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Cute analogy but not accurate in describing a husband/wife. I agree with RDKirk. The wife, many times, can't help a man when he's struggling with another woman. He has already thrown his wife (and kid) under the bus. The wife is not the best qualified to help. She may love him but getting him over the addiction is not going to be effective.

RDkirk

You've really pitched the same idea from different angels every time... that she can't understand these really strange gender specific problems. I don't agree with this.

I do think that women know what lust is, they know what it is feel attraction, they are not immune to wanting another man, men don't have a monopoly on lust or the idea of an affair, men don't have a monopoly on unfaithfulness or weakness or sexual attraction or desire, that's not a gender specific issue.

I think men like to think it is a gender specific problem because it brings excitement and significance to things like "Men's meetings".

I don't believe I am so simple that you being a man can tell me more about myself than my wife can, my wife who has become more a part of my life and has passed the gates of my heart and emotions than any other human ever will. I am not that special, men are not that special and my wife is not that dull or blind to biggest part of her life.

I'm not trying to silence you, I asked for and welcomed your advice and you gave it so thank you. But I do disagree.

Life2Christ said:

Cute analogy but not accurate in describing a husband/wife. I agree with RDKirk. The wife, many times, can't help a man when he's struggling with another woman. He has already thrown his wife (and kid) under the bus. The wife is not the best qualified to help. She may love him but getting him over the addiction is not going to be effective.

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How dare you frown on my analogy!! :O

haha, I didn't use the analogy for it's perfection. But alright. I don't really agree here but I understand.

OntheHorizon said:

I think men like to think it is a gender specific problem because it brings excitement and significance to things like "Men's meetings".

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I don't see it as a gender specific problem (women cheat too). I see it as a attacker/victim problem. The victim cannot rehabilitate the attacker.

Women do cheat, but the motivations are different. Women do not lust in the same way or even for the same things that men lust for, and the attacks Satan makes against a man are not the same attacks he makes against a woman.

RDKirk said:

Women do not lust in the same way or even for the same things that men lust for,

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Do tell....

You accuse women of being "unable" to understand the temptations of men, but then turn around and try to analyze women as if YOU understand US like an expert, lol. I also think you're using the "women can't understand" line as a poor rationale, when what you really mean is "women won't sympathize or put up with" such stuff, while a fellow man might be able to sympathize and pat your back and tell you it's normal. We know perfectly what men struggle with. I also think it's ridiculous for couples who have been married for decades to have any LACK of understanding of how each other works. What the heck have they been doing all those years? Not getting to know each other very well, obviously. Perhaps that's the reason for all that "understandable" struggling with eyeballing other people.

I would be as caring and prayerful as my husband has been with me
for well over 3 yrs. that I've been struggling with adulterous feelings for
another man.

Me and my husband are "open and honest" about our struggles.

I feel the "attraction" to the other man lost the "stronghold" it had
over me in the beginning after I had a heart to heart talk with my husband
about what I was dealing with once I realized I wasn't "mistaken" about
the "attraction" that exists between myself and this other man.

I'm not a woman... but here's my take.

Honesty is always best and communication is mandatory for a healthy relationship. Your wife deserves your honesty. If you're really wanting to solve the issue, your wife needs to know... and to show your broken spirit over this you'll need to do whatever she asks to assure her that you're taking this seriously (even if it means changing jobs).

However, she's not the only resource you need. Comments about finding a helpful accountability friend are right on. You need another guy who cares about you and will ask you the hard questions. He needs to be a guy your wife knows about and feels good about too. An existing friendship is the most natural place to find this, but if you need to go to your Pastor, etc.

RDKirk said:

Women do cheat, but the motivations are different. Women do not lust in the same way or even for the same things that men lust for, and the attacks Satan makes against a man are not the same attacks he makes against a woman.

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Yes they do... sex isn't the only important thing to a women and maybe not the most important thing to them but it isn't complete different and like the cool celtic gay said... you seem to be quite adapt at understanding them.