I'm considering trying online dating again.

MacFall said:

Yes.

I've asked out quite a few of my close female friends, several coworkers, and more friendly acquaintances than I care to count. I also tried the "shotgun approach" to online dating (though I did personalize each message).

It's really not that many considered as an instance-to-time ratio. I just think most men don't ask that many women out because they don't get to anywhere near that number before they get a positive answer.

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hmm I don't know then. I truly don't know how you can strike out so many times. Its not the looks, so my theory boils down to the attitude.

As LT said your attitude of trying to convince people you are not dateable isn't very attractive.

Your feelings certainly make sense. I'm not a statistician, but even if I were, I doubt I could argue you out of how you feel. And I can really feel all the powerful images of emotions of wanting to end a good desire that's important to you that you think will never be fulfilled.

Yeah, sleep is good. Hang in there.

wannaberocker said:

well in your current confused frame of mind.

If you were a girl would you date you?

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Yup. Am I supposed to be arrogant for saying that? Oh well. God made me to be a good man and a good (future) husband.

Success on a dating site often depends on how well you fill out your profile and how good you look in your pics. I'm sure a lot of good men get passed over for superficial reasons...

MacFall said:

Sorry, off topic, but... Edison did NOT invent the light bulb. He stole the work of a team of about 20 people including Nikola Tesla and got it patented before they could do anything about it.

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I've been told this before, but I've completely forgotten about it. I could sit here and make fun of myself for being an idiot and not knowing that, being stupid or not remembering it. Like I used to do.


Or I can accept and say "Hmmm, I forgot about that. You learn something new every day". Or "Oh yeah, now I remember that."

It's all about perception, and how you receive things.

Strider1002 said:

Yup. Am I supposed to be arrogant for saying that? Oh well. God made me to be a good man and a good (future) husband.

Success on a dating site often depends on how well you fill out your profile and how good you look in your pics. I'm sure a lot of good men get passed over for superficial reasons...

Click to expand...

it also depends on how you approach the woman. or how open the guy is when a woman reaches out to him. dating sites aren't the free-for-all for women that guys think it is. I've been on them myself off and on for a few years. I've met only two guys through that process that I've wanted to have a conversation with for longer than two emails. The rest was a lot of rejection, creeps, dirty old men, and then the guys that I could just tell from their profiles/messages I was not a good match with because of revealed bad attitudes, religious beliefs, etc...

I will also say that it is very easy to let those things cloud your judgment about how you view yourself. The reason I went back to online dating this year was because I wanted to prove myself wrong in thinking that no man could ever want to date me because I was so hung up in thinking about the hurt I'd experienced and the rejection from men. I honestly felt like I was completely undesirable. So I do understand where Mac is coming from. And the fact that I was only getting scam messages and messages from men old enough to be my father, and guys just looking to get laid, I saw that as confirmation that no good man would actually want me. I vented alot to ethie about it and one day she just told me not to allow myself to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and called me on alot of the same stuff we're calling Mac on. And I think that was the push I needed to see that my attitude was really what was hurting me. And that needed to change.

So I made a conscious effort to think differently. I started reaching out more to guys on the dating site I was on. Most of them ignored me. A few contacted me. I had a couple of discussions that mostly went nowhere. One I'm still talking to a month later. I don't know if that'll go anywhere, but I know I wouldn't have kept a perfectly lovely conversation going with this guy for a month if I stubbornly insisted on thinking the worst of myself and my ability to attract men.

Dating sites are not easy for anyone. But I think if you do find your spouse on a dating site, or heck even if you meet them offline then the hurt, the rejections, missed connections, etc... won't even matter. Or shouldn't. Because you'll be with the right person. But it all starts with mindset and attitude. Not the right words or the right approach. Adopt the right attitude. Because really, (and yes this is a total cliche but its a cliche for a reason) if you're not happy with yourself before entering a relationship, you sure as heck won't be after entering it. You carry your baggage into it, and an attitude of "No one wants me because I'm repulsive" is not only completely unfair to burden a potential SO with, its also a guarantee to destroy that relationship. Its poison and toxic.

Wow. I didn't mean for that whole rant to come out. Meh... whatevs. *clicks "submit"*

little_tigress said:

it also depends on how you approach the woman. or how open the guy is when a woman reaches out to him. dating sites aren't the free-for-all for women that guys think it is. I've been on them myself off and on for a few years. I've met only two guys through that process that I've wanted to have a conversation with for longer than two emails. The rest was a lot of rejection, creeps, dirty old men, and then the guys that I could just tell from their profiles/messages I was not a good match with because of revealed bad attitudes, religious beliefs, etc...

I will also say that it is very easy to let those things cloud your judgment about how you view yourself. The reason I went back to online dating this year was because I wanted to prove myself wrong in thinking that no man could ever want to date me because I was so hung up in thinking about the hurt I'd experienced and the rejection from men. I honestly felt like I was completely undesirable. So I do understand where Mac is coming from. And the fact that I was only getting scam messages and messages from men old enough to be my father, and guys just looking to get laid, I saw that as confirmation that no good man would actually want me. I vented alot to ethie about it and one day she just told me not to allow myself to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and called me on alot of the same stuff we're calling Mac on. And I think that was the push I needed to see that my attitude was really what was hurting me. And that needed to change.

So I made a conscious effort to think differently. I started reaching out more to guys on the dating site I was on. Most of them ignored me. A few contacted me. I had a couple of discussions that mostly went nowhere. One I'm still talking to a month later. I don't know if that'll go anywhere, but I know I wouldn't have kept a perfectly lovely conversation going with this guy for a month if I stubbornly insisted on thinking the worst of myself and my ability to attract men.

Dating sites are not easy for anyone. But I think if you do find your spouse on a dating site, or heck even if you meet them offline then the hurt, the rejections, missed connections, etc... won't even matter. Or shouldn't. Because you'll be with the right person. But it all starts with mindset and attitude. Not the right words or the right approach. Adopt the right attitude. Because really, (and yes this is a total cliche but its a cliche for a reason) if you're not happy with yourself before entering a relationship, you sure as heck won't be after entering it. You carry your baggage into it, and an attitude of "No one wants me because I'm repulsive" is not only completely unfair to burden a potential SO with, its also a guarantee to destroy that relationship. Its poison and toxic.

Wow. I didn't mean for that whole rant to come out. Meh... whatevs. *clicks "submit"*

Click to expand...

Beautiful post. By the way, would you mind telling me what's the dating site you are in? I would like to find people around my area, but no Christian dating site has them in sufficient numbers.

Repped you

Miss Spaulding said:

I've actually asked myself that question...Sharon, if you were a guy, would you date you?

The answer is always No.

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Ditto. I always end up answering no to that question too. Not a very good motivational tool, eh?

MacFall said:

Yes.

I've asked out quite a few of my close female friends, several coworkers, and more friendly acquaintances than I care to count. I also tried the "shotgun approach" to online dating (though I did personalize each message).

It's really not that many considered as an instance-to-time ratio. I just think most men don't ask that many women out because they don't get to anywhere near that number before they get a positive answer.

Click to expand...

wannaberocker said:

hmm I don't know then. I truly don't know how you can strike out so many times. Its not the looks, so my theory boils down to the attitude.

As LT said your attitude of trying to convince people you are not dateable isn't very attractive.

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Mac, how many is "quite a few"? More than 10? More than 15? More than 20? And in how many of those rejections were you over 20 years old? (I don't think one can truly count those awkward teenage attempts lol! )

But if it is a LOT, there are a few reasons why someone can strike out so many times. Being monstrously ugly (which very few people are, by the way) is one reason. I've seen your pictures though, Mac, and you're not ugly. So looks aren't the problem here.

Other ways a person can strike out so many times:
-Having a very unattractive personality (often includes being very "negative").
-Coming off as desperate, clingy, immature, socially awkward (to an extreme degree), or creepy.
-Targeting the WRONG women. (This is a big one for a lot of guys. They complain that they always get rejected, meanwhile they only insist on asking out women who are Adriana Lima lookalikes, or women who are completely incompatible with them, such as nonChristian women for a Christian man. )

Be honest and real with yourself (but NOT negative or pessimistic!) Is it possible that one of those problems I listed above could apply to you? You know yourself better than I do or anyone else here on CF so only you can answer that question.

little_tigress said:

Repped you

Click to expand...

Thanks!

I understand your frustrations Macfall.

I tried Internet dating after losing weight simply to get myself out there since my experiences with women mostly amounted to me liking them and then they rejecting me. I found Internet dating somewhat exciting at first since there were real people to talk to and it was fun but then reality set in... I would send messages to many different girls and they would all close the match without even replying and I just knew it was because I wasn't good looking enough... This was kind of depressing. I did meet a few girls from a site but nothing past a date I didn't feel a connection plus I wasn't really attracted to them... So I'm in the same boat wondering if I should give it another shot or not. One of my friends met a wonderfully lady who word at a church on a site they got married and our expecting their first child. So God can use online sites as well.

little_tigress said:

it also depends on how you approach the woman. or how open the guy is when a woman reaches out to him. dating sites aren't the free-for-all for women that guys think it is. I've been on them myself off and on for a few years. I've met only two guys through that process that I've wanted to have a conversation with for longer than two emails. The rest was a lot of rejection, creeps, dirty old men, and then the guys that I could just tell from their profiles/messages I was not a good match with because of revealed bad attitudes, religious beliefs, etc...

I will also say that it is very easy to let those things cloud your judgment about how you view yourself. The reason I went back to online dating this year was because I wanted to prove myself wrong in thinking that no man could ever want to date me because I was so hung up in thinking about the hurt I'd experienced and the rejection from men. I honestly felt like I was completely undesirable. So I do understand where Mac is coming from. And the fact that I was only getting scam messages and messages from men old enough to be my father, and guys just looking to get laid, I saw that as confirmation that no good man would actually want me. I vented alot to ethie about it and one day she just told me not to allow myself to become a self-fulfilling prophecy and called me on alot of the same stuff we're calling Mac on. And I think that was the push I needed to see that my attitude was really what was hurting me. And that needed to change.

So I made a conscious effort to think differently. I started reaching out more to guys on the dating site I was on. Most of them ignored me. A few contacted me. I had a couple of discussions that mostly went nowhere. One I'm still talking to a month later. I don't know if that'll go anywhere, but I know I wouldn't have kept a perfectly lovely conversation going with this guy for a month if I stubbornly insisted on thinking the worst of myself and my ability to attract men.

Dating sites are not easy for anyone. But I think if you do find your spouse on a dating site, or heck even if you meet them offline then the hurt, the rejections, missed connections, etc... won't even matter. Or shouldn't. Because you'll be with the right person. But it all starts with mindset and attitude. Not the right words or the right approach. Adopt the right attitude. Because really, (and yes this is a total cliche but its a cliche for a reason) if you're not happy with yourself before entering a relationship, you sure as heck won't be after entering it. You carry your baggage into it, and an attitude of "No one wants me because I'm repulsive" is not only completely unfair to burden a potential SO with, its also a guarantee to destroy that relationship. Its poison and toxic.

Wow. I didn't mean for that whole rant to come out. Meh... whatevs. *clicks "submit"*

Click to expand...

this is amazing. seriously, a very wise post with some really good insight! Attitude is important Mac
]

Crazy accountant said:

I tried Internet dating after losing weight simply to get myself out there since my experiences with women mostly amounted to me liking them and then they rejecting me. I found Internet dating somewhat exciting at first since there were real people to talk to and it was fun but then reality set in... I would send messages to many different girls and they would all close the match without even replying and I just knew it was because I wasn't good looking enough... This was kind of depressing. I did meet a few girls from a site but nothing past a date I didn't feel a connection plus I wasn't really attracted to them... So I'm in the same boat wondering if I should give it another shot or not. One of my friends met a wonderfully lady who word at a church on a site they got married and our expecting their first child. So God can use online sites as well.

Click to expand...

If I see a guy who sends messages to lots of different girls, it gives me the idea he's not seriously interested in me at all, so that would be a reason not to react. I saw one, he was really nice, but he had I don't know how many girls on his page for friendship. Well, good luck with them.
I deleted the account. I don't want to be rude and the ones I like don't want me and vice versa. Maybe we'd better first pray before going on a dating side and let the Lord lead it.

Messy said:

If I see a guy who sends messages to lots of different girls, it gives me the idea he's not seriously interested in me at all, so that would be a reason not to react. I saw one, he was really nice, but he had I don't know how many girls on his page for friendship. Well, good luck with them.
I deleted the account. I don't want to be rude and the ones I like don't want me and vice versa. Maybe we'd better first pray before going on a dating side and let the Lord lead it.

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I agree with letting god have lordship over our dating lives but I also believe we can't just at home waiting for the right person to come knocking. Am I convinced god will supernaturally bring the right girl I don't know but I do believe he will prepare me for the right one and I will be in a position to make the right choice. Half the battle is getting out there it could be volunteering it could be singing in the choir anything that provides a place to meet people. I've never heard god say to me I will be married but he has said I desire you to be married and for me that's powerful. I used to be angry with god for all the rejections and thought he doesn't want to be married. As you get older though its harder I want someone without kids and at church there few singles over say 26...

I think you should roll with the punches and accept staying single.

Crazy accountant said:

I want someone without kids and at church there few singles over say 26...

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Yes that's a pity, they all want someone without kids.

If you want donate money, I can think of better causes. Dating sites seem like a scam to me. Even the profiles stretch credibility. I have a hard time believing that 99% of women are diehard professional sports fans with a penchant for binge drinking, let alone that my eHarmony matches had much to do with how I answered their personality test. With that being said, meeting online definitely works for some. Message boards and other sites based around shared interests strike me as the best places for that, but YMMV.

MacFall said:

Never mind. I'm over it. I sat in front of a blank profile and felt like I was applying for a job for which I'm so far from qualified that I can't even BS my way through the interview. Couldn't think of a single thing to say.

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MacFall said:

I'm just venting at this point. Feel free to ignore me. But I just want to quit this stupid game. I'm not interested in winning anymore. I just want to give up. But obviously it's against my basic biology to actually do that, because I keep on trying, even though I know failure is the only option.

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MacFall said:

I did that when I was young. Then I grew up and stopped lying to myself about what women really think about me. At some point I had to deal with the obvious incompatibility between my positive view of myself as a potential boyfriend or husband and the fact that women all disagree vehemently, and even violently.

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MacFall said:

LOL, okay. How big should it be? How many consecutive rejections do I need to rack up? It's currently around 30, about twice that counting all of the women my friends have asked out for me, and that's not counting the hundreds of online ones.

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I have dated someone who had an attitude much like yours, Mac. Not at first. And if he did, he hid it well. He thought that the world was out to get him. Everything negative in his life was a personal attack against him. As someone who loved him, it was incredibly exhausting to try to talk him out of his martyr self loathing. But at the same time, he blamed everyone else. If someone didn't like him, it was because they were shallow. If someone hurt his feelings, it was because they were a terrible person. He often spoke about how often he had been rejected and how it made him feel.

I was the person trying to convince him - EVERY SINGLE DAY - that I genuinely wanted to be there. And he was just waiting for the other foot to drop. This man was incredibly good looking. Started his own business when he was 17. Intelligent. Had everything going for him. But still the world held little joy outside of me. (for a while...) Seriously, the most exhausting relationship I have ever been in. And far more frustrating than my failed marriage.

I know that you seem to think that the odds are stacked against you. But that won't get you anywhere. And I know that a lot of the things people are telling you seem like a personal attack. That also won't get you anywhere.

From a woman's standpoint: I honestly will not date pessimists anymore. I won't do it. If I go on a date with someone and get the feeling that they have a "woe is me" mentality, I'm not going near it. I wouldn't touch it with a 50ft pole. And it's not because that man isn't attractive, or funny, or christlike. It's because I have an inborn interest of self preservation and pessimists are too draining for me.

Do with this what you will. If you want to try online dating, do it. Leave all of the previous rejection garbage behind because I can guarantee it won't do anything positive in your search. Get yourself out there. Be confident, not because of past dating success but because you deserve to be happy & to be loved. Period.