First some background. We've been married 12 years and have three lovely children. For the most part those 12 years have been good. However the last couple have been rocky. We are fire and ice when it comes to personality types. I'm cool headed, logical, introverted, regarded by those who dont know me as aloof or shy. She is bubbly, outgoing, warm, friendly.
Growing up, my childhood was difficult. My parents constantly argued and were unhappy. I could not help but feel they both wanted to be somewhere else. I was always the perfect son, trying to keep the peace, never saying or doing anything that might inflame a situation. Through school i was the shy nerd who girls didnt want to know. Her parents are wonderful, caring, proud, and involved. When i met her, she fell in love with me and it was like a sunrise. I had never experienced that kind of devotion and love.
Through the start of our relationship i occasionally had pangs of guilt that i didn't feel the vivacious "in love" feelings that she felt for me. I loved her certainly, but there wasnt "chemistry". We were married and had our first child after two years. Our second child was born two years later. We treasured our young family and those years were good.
Her libido was always much higher than mine. i sometimes struggled to keep up, which frustrated her. She was also hurt at times at the scarcity of my compliments on how she looked. It also irked her that i was a stay-at-home type who lacked a sense of adventure.
Some years back we both suffered with depression at different times. I tried a number of medications which didnt help. The past year she has become very down. Her interest in sex dried up to nothing. Since then, when she looks at me, i no longer see adoration. I now see disappointment and even contempt. Last week we sat down and had a heart to heart.
She told me that she has long suspected that i loved her but was not "in love". She said she felt i was not attracted to her physically, that i did not consider her "beautiful", and that this was the source of our differing libidos. I was gob smacked. To a degree she is correct. Physical attraction has been an issue. However i am very much attracted to the person she is and to a myriad of little things about her. I value the passion our love making used to have and miss it. She says she has boxed away that part of her as she cant bare the thought that i am simply living a lie. She feels hurt and doesnt want to be hurt again.
So i am at a loss how to proceed. I love her deeply and am committed to us. I had hoped after so many years together that physical attraction would no longer be so important. It appears i was wrong.
Growing up, my childhood was difficult. My parents constantly argued and were unhappy. I could not help but feel they both wanted to be somewhere else. I was always the perfect son, trying to keep the peace, never saying or doing anything that might inflame a situation. Through school i was the shy nerd who girls didnt want to know. Her parents are wonderful, caring, proud, and involved. When i met her, she fell in love with me and it was like a sunrise. I had never experienced that kind of devotion and love.
Through the start of our relationship i occasionally had pangs of guilt that i didn't feel the vivacious "in love" feelings that she felt for me. I loved her certainly, but there wasnt "chemistry". We were married and had our first child after two years. Our second child was born two years later. We treasured our young family and those years were good.
Her libido was always much higher than mine. i sometimes struggled to keep up, which frustrated her. She was also hurt at times at the scarcity of my compliments on how she looked. It also irked her that i was a stay-at-home type who lacked a sense of adventure.
Some years back we both suffered with depression at different times. I tried a number of medications which didnt help. The past year she has become very down. Her interest in sex dried up to nothing. Since then, when she looks at me, i no longer see adoration. I now see disappointment and even contempt. Last week we sat down and had a heart to heart.
She told me that she has long suspected that i loved her but was not "in love". She said she felt i was not attracted to her physically, that i did not consider her "beautiful", and that this was the source of our differing libidos. I was gob smacked. To a degree she is correct. Physical attraction has been an issue. However i am very much attracted to the person she is and to a myriad of little things about her. I value the passion our love making used to have and miss it. She says she has boxed away that part of her as she cant bare the thought that i am simply living a lie. She feels hurt and doesnt want to be hurt again.
So i am at a loss how to proceed. I love her deeply and am committed to us. I had hoped after so many years together that physical attraction would no longer be so important. It appears i was wrong.
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