I'm Not Good Enough.

DandyDandelion · Feb 2, 2013

Okay, where to start? I've been physically involved with this guy--we'll call him Jack--for a few months now. Please, spare me the ridicule >.< I know it's not a good thing and trust me, no one will ever be able to beat me up over it worse than I beat myself up for it daily. He's a few years older than me. We don't have sex (I blatantly refuse any time he mentions it) because that is something so special to me and my virginity is very important to me. But still, we do a lot and some of it I'm just not comfortable with. I've told him that at the very least, I have to be in love with the person I give myself to. He and I aren't even in a relationship. It started in late October or early November and we've been seeing each other once, sometimes twice a week since. He's understanding of my position on sex, which is good because I won't be swayed. Still, no matter how much I try to rationalize it to myself, I know it's wrong what we're doing. I'm just not yet strong enough to leave it all because I'm afraid of being alone and when I'm with him, it's my way of trying to fill the emptiness I feel--to not feel so worthless to the world around me.

Here's where another problem comes in. This guy I know from an old church I used to attend thinks it'd be a good idea if I date his friend--whom we shall refer to as Dan. I've liked his friend before, quite a bit. What had attracted me to him was the fact that he is so strong in his faith, he's a gentleman, he's very intelligent, and we had hit it off right away when we first met. But what stopped me from doing anything at all was the mere fact that I'm not good enough for him. His is a family that seems strong and "perfect," while mine is just a peculiar, dysfunctional bunch. And since I've been seeing this Jack character, I have even more reason to believe that I'm just not good enough for Dan. We click and all that, but if he knew about my past with my family and stuff, AND if he knew about Jack, he'd think me unworthy. I feel as though my personality, my faithfulness, my undying loyalty, would never be enough for him. He's a great guy; I'm a stupid mess. Even before I started seeing Jack, I always felt I'd never be good enough; now that this whole thing with Jack happened, I'm even more of a worthless person than I thought. I have no self-esteem (never have) and I let it make me settle for less than what other people say I deserve, because I don't believe I deserve anything good.

Okay, I'm done.

Spunkn · Feb 3, 2013

The best decision (in my opinion) that you could make, would be to break it off with "Jack" regardless. It is not a healthy relationship, you need to get out of there. It will be painful, and it will be hard. But you survived before you met "Jack".

Now...here's where it gets tricky. "Dan" seems like a great guy, but jumping straight into another relationship (I'm guessing you're more than just "friends" with Jack, but correct me if I'm wrong) without some guidance wouldn't be good for you either I think.

I think you have some issues that you need to work through. You feel unworthy all the time, and unlovable. What made you feel this way? Have you always felt this way? Was there a time when it started?

Not trying to ridicule, just trying to get some more information. See if you jump into a relationship with "Dan" I can probably tell you what's going to happen (assuming "Dan" would agree to it). You would go out with Dan. You'd have a great time, you'd feel good, because you still -have- someone to fill that hole. It's great. He's treats you right. But then...doubt starts creeping back in. Why is he with me? Why does he want to be around me? I'm a horrible person, no one should want to be around me. You start to question him, you start to question yourself, and eventually you break it off because you can't understand why Dan would be with someone like you. In the end, it's not fair to you or Dan. Could it work? Maybe, but you would be starting from behind the "starting line" if I can use that term.

The best thing you could do in my opinion is break things off with Jack. That "relationship' will only lead to heart break. Take a while to work on yourself. Get to a point to where you can accept yourself for who you are. -Then- if Dan is still around, see if he wants to give things a try. It won't do you any good feeling broken going into a relationship with Dan, it will only last a little while and then when it doesn't work only you will only feel that much worse.

Hope this helps. Above all else, pray to God about it. Ask for guidance and healing through this struggle.

DandyDandelion · Feb 3, 2013

I completely agree with you, and I'm working to get up the strength to end it. I think part of the problem is that, once I started to see him, I felt alive again for the first time in over a year. I didn't feel so lonely and it's nice. But it's just not me. This is the only time I have ever been involved with someone physically that I'm not in a relationship with or anything. I usually never do that kind of thing and so I'm ashamed that I am doing it now. He's only the second guy I have ever even kissed. I've dated a few guys before, but I didn't kiss them.

I wouldn't jump right into another relationship. Me and Jack aren't in a relationship (which is the shameful part for me). I won't be getting into a relationship with Dan though. I think he deserves better anyway. What got me was that I was forced to think about how my involvement with Jack could ruin my character and nobody could ever fall in love with me because of it. They'd see me as cheap (even though there's no sex, it doesn't matter because I'm still wrong). Let me just say though, that I don't judge other people who are in my situation and I don't think they're cheap. I just come down really hard on myself. I don't like judging others, but I judge the heck out of myself.

To answer your question, I've felt completely worthless for as long as I can remember. I remember being five years old and thinking I was just this hideous monster. I always felt mistreated by others. My parents pretty much closed their eyes to me and I had to deal with a lot of stuff on my own. They always took things out on me, they always favored my sister over me. I always got hit pretty badly (I've had black eyes, got a tooth knocked out, you name it), always got threatened, etc. I had family members steal from me, one used to try suffocating me while hitting my head against the ground when I was little. People always pushed me around. I got called ugly and stupid so many times. People would embarrass me purposely. There were males who were inappropriate with me. As I got older and started to date, I got the same treatment like I was nothing to them. The only guy I've ever fallen hard for would hit on my friends, flirt with other girls, made me stay in his room when his friends came over while he went out and visited with them (they didn't even know I was there--in fact, none of his friends even knew about me); if we were holding hands out in public and a pretty girl would walk by, he would drop my hand so quickly. If I was uncomfortable with something he was doing physically and would tell him to stop, he wouldn't. He ended up dumping me for a girl he was talking to behind my back the whole time. I then dated a guy who was a best friend to me and he ended up sleeping with one of my best friends.
When I think about those things, I see that nobody values me at all. I try to do everything I can to help people, but then they see that I'm weak and they take advantage of me. I'm so easily replaced in everyone's lives. Nobody needs me. They don't need me until they need something, or someone to listen to them when they're upset. Other than that, I'm garbage to everyone. I've never felt good enough for anyone; I've never felt as though I've anything to offer.

And you're right about what would happen with Dan. You couldn't be any more right. It's something that will happen with anyone I try to date until I can fix my issues. It's why I try not to date anyone, it's partially why I try not to feel anything for anyone. I never want to hurt anybody and I don't want to be hurt. But mostly, I'd never want to hurt anybody or make them feel as if THEY'RE the ones who aren't enough when really, it's me who feels like I'M not enough.

Thank you so much for your advice and for taking the time to read my post. I really appreciate it so much.

Spunkn · Feb 3, 2013

You felt accepted because your parents didn't give you that feeling of acceptance. You feel unlovable because you were treated that way. You feel that no one would ever treat you fairly, because you've come to expect everybody to take advantage of you.

Every step of the way, through actions of others, you have been told you are worthless.

None of this was your fault. It was not in your control. You were taught from a young age that being loved was something for other people, and not for you. And I'm really sorry you've went through that and grown up that way. I kind of went through the same thing, but I still had a family to fall back on. When your very own family treats you as if you are nothing, it cuts like a knife. Those wounds are deep. And the reason why it's so hard for you to let go of this relationship now is because you want so badly to be desired, to feel loved, to feel accepted, that even if some guy treats you badly you won't care. You just want that feeling.

You are doing the only thing you know how to do. Because you were never taught differently and you were taught that you couldn't go to anyone else for help because they would just end up hurting you as well. Stories such as these break my heart, because everytime I read them, I keep hoping a friend, or a family member, or -someone- will be mentioned that would step in and at least try to make things better.

But there is someone who cares about you. No matter how many mistakes you've made. No matter how worthless you feel. God still cares about you. You are created in His image. And if you are a Christian then you are a child of God.

Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities (demons), nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope.

As someone who once lost hope and had given up, I say that you are not worthless. You are not unlovable, and I know that you -do- have a lot to offer, even if you do not feel that way. I have hope that you can get through this, because I've been in that terrible dark hole myself, and even though I didn't believe it. Other people did for me. So I believe for you. There is hope in Christ. It may take a while. And perhaps you need to speak with a Christian counselor about some of this stuff. But you can find healing. And when you do, some awesome Christian guy is going to sweep you off your feet someday.

Johnnz · Feb 4, 2013

Your sense of unworthiness goes way back. That has implanted deep processes and patterns within you. But that's not how God sees you.

I don't want to be religiously simplistic. But a real key to change is seeing who you are in Christ i.e how God sees you now. You are a new creation, Jesus has clothed you with His righteousness, when you pray Jesus takes your prayers and makes them His own as he presents them to His Father.

Break you current relationship. It will go nowhere. You will miss parts of it, but that will pass. You are still a virgin. You don't need to cringe.

Bless you
John
NZ

DandyDandelion · Feb 5, 2013

Spunkn said:
You felt accepted because your parents didn't give you that feeling of acceptance. You feel unlovable because you were treated that way. You feel that no one would ever treat you fairly, because you've come to expect everybody to take advantage of you.

Every step of the way, through actions of others, you have been told you are worthless.

None of this was your fault. It was not in your control. You were taught from a young age that being loved was something for other people, and not for you. And I'm really sorry you've went through that and grown up that way. I kind of went through the same thing, but I still had a family to fall back on. When your very own family treats you as if you are nothing, it cuts like a knife. Those wounds are deep. And the reason why it's so hard for you to let go of this relationship now is because you want so badly to be desired, to feel loved, to feel accepted, that even if some guy treats you badly you won't care. You just want that feeling.

You are doing the only thing you know how to do. Because you were never taught differently and you were taught that you couldn't go to anyone else for help because they would just end up hurting you as well. Stories such as these break my heart, because everytime I read them, I keep hoping a friend, or a family member, or -someone- will be mentioned that would step in and at least try to make things better.

But there is someone who cares about you. No matter how many mistakes you've made. No matter how worthless you feel. God still cares about you. You are created in His image. And if you are a Christian then you are a child of God.

Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities (demons), nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope.

As someone who once lost hope and had given up, I say that you are not worthless. You are not unlovable, and I know that you -do- have a lot to offer, even if you do not feel that way. I have hope that you can get through this, because I've been in that terrible dark hole myself, and even though I didn't believe it. Other people did for me. So I believe for you. There is hope in Christ. It may take a while. And perhaps you need to speak with a Christian counselor about some of this stuff. But you can find healing. And when you do, some awesome Christian guy is going to sweep you off your feet someday.

I do believe you have read my situation like a book. I thank you for understanding the "why" factors to this. It's easier to settle for being treated like dirt than to feel alone and undesired. I hate being that way and I want to change it. I thought I'd changed it, but this situation with Jack has only proven to me that I'm still the same, foolish person. I thought I had control over the situation and that I'd be able to just walk away at any time I wanted, because I was that empowered going in--thinking I'd learned from the previous situation how to be stronger. I've learned over the last month that such may not be the case and I'm going to have to force myself to walk away.
I never want to use my past as an excuse though because I'm twenty-years-old now, and I'm able to make my own decisions and am old enough to know that I can't let my past control my future. I have to take responsibility for my poor choices in relationships. It's just hard to change how I've programmed myself to think all these years.

I'm sorry that you went through the same sort of things. It seems, however, that you came out well and wise, which is such a good thing. I'm so glad you had family to fall back on too. I'm glad you emerged from that dark place; it's not a fun place to be in. The good thing about dark places though, is that it gives us the ability to empathize with others who may be in the same dark places, which is like a gift. It's always helpful when someone understands. Thank you so much for the advice you've given and the faith you have that things will get better. I really appreciate it.

Thank you for the Scripture passages. They are exactly what I need to see right now. I always have doubts that God can possibly love me after my shames. I have trouble thinking He can possibly forgive me.

DandyDandelion · Feb 5, 2013

Johnnz said:
Your sense of unworthiness goes way back. That has implanted deep processes and patterns within you. But that's not how God sees you.

I don't want to be religiously simplistic. But a real key to change is seeing who you are in Christ i.e how God sees you now. You are a new creation, Jesus has clothed you with His righteousness, when you pray Jesus takes your prayers and makes them His own as he presents them to His Father.

Break you current relationship. It will go nowhere. You will miss parts of it, but that will pass. You are still a virgin. You don't need to cringe.

Bless you
John
NZ

Thank you so much. Maybe my sense of how God perceives me is skewed to some degree. I always think He sees me just as poorly as I see myself; It's hard for me to think He can see me in a positive light.

And you're right, I have to break it. There will be things that I miss, but if I've gotten over it once before, I can get over it again, right? Life's partially about having to leave things behind and missing them. And thank you, those last two sentences honestly made me feel so much better

Thank you so much. I appreciate your words so much.

Spunkn · Feb 5, 2013

DandyDandelion said:
I do believe you have read my situation like a book. I thank you for understanding the "why" factors to this. It's easier to settle for being treated like dirt than to feel alone and undesired. I hate being that way and I want to change it. I thought I'd changed it, but this situation with Jack has only proven to me that I'm still the same, foolish person. I thought I had control over the situation and that I'd be able to just walk away at any time I wanted, because I was that empowered going in--thinking I'd learned from the previous situation how to be stronger. I've learned over the last month that such may not be the case and I'm going to have to force myself to walk away.
I never want to use my past as an excuse though because I'm twenty-years-old now, and I'm able to make my own decisions and am old enough to know that I can't let my past control my future. I have to take responsibility for my poor choices in relationships. It's just hard to change how I've programmed myself to think all these years.

I'm sorry that you went through the same sort of things. It seems, however, that you came out well and wise, which is such a good thing. I'm so glad you had family to fall back on too. I'm glad you emerged from that dark place; it's not a fun place to be in. The good thing about dark places though, is that it gives us the ability to empathize with others who may be in the same dark places, which is like a gift. It's always helpful when someone understands. Thank you so much for the advice you've given and the faith you have that things will get better. I really appreciate it.

Thank you for the Scripture passages. They are exactly what I need to see right now. I always have doubts that God can possibly love me after my shames. I have trouble thinking He can possibly forgive me.

It's a long process to break the past when so much has been taken away from us. I think you need to set some healthy boundaries with Jack. I would stop even kissing. If he doesn't accept that, then you may have to just break it off. Ultimately, if Jack isn't a Christian then it probably won't be a good relationship for you anyway in the long run.

We don't use our past as an excuse, but we can use it to understand why we do some of the things we do. That is the important part about it. And to realize that most of your past was not your fault. You have a responsibility now as an adult to deal with it, but growing up, you had really no control over these things for the most part. This feel of being needed will not go away for probably a long time. You're going to have to fill it with something. And by that I mean maybe going to church. Getting involved with other Christians. A Bible study maybe. Or if you have some female friends you can be around to support you that would help as well. Or find some activity that you really like and try to do more in that area. Just don't let yourself sit around idle and think about it all day, or you will either A) run back to him or B) find someone else who will do the same thing.

Don't beat yourself up (like I do a lot of the time) every time you make a mistake though. It's going to have to be a long but slow battle to deal with your past fully and accept yourself for who you are. After 29 years, I'm just now starting to get past some of it. And that's with lots of help.

Spunkn · Feb 5, 2013

Maybe my sense of how God perceives me is skewed to some degree. I always think He sees me just as poorly as I see myself; It's hard for me to think He can see me in a positive light.

Here are some verses about how God views us

Appearance Psalm 139:13-17 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

We belong to God Romans 8:31-32 What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He (God) who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him (Jesus) up for us all - how will He not also, along with Him (Jesus), graciously give us all things?

We are worthy because of Christ Isaiah 61:10 I will rejoice greatly in the Lord, my soul will exult in my God; For He has clothed me with garments of salvation. He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

We are secure Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Through Him we are competent Philippians 2:13: For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose. Philippeans 4:13 I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

JustChuck · Feb 5, 2013

Dear Dandy,

I first must apologize. I did not read all the comments, I was chomping at the bit to get to chatting with you. First, God sees you as the beautiful person he created you to be. He created YOU, right where you are, right where you struggle. He observed His son being beaten and tortured for you, now would he do that for someone who was worthless? We ALL fall short. We all have issues. Your perfect boy Dan may even have some skeletons you don't know about, just like you have some he doesn't know about. Remember, scripture says to forgive as you wish to be forgiven. I would like to suggest you start with yourself! Its okay. We all have done things we would regret. Forgive it and let it go. And let go of Jack. To continue to stumble over the same rock is silly. Remove the stumbling blocks.

Allow yourself to spend time with Dan and get to know eachother. If people are trying to put you all together, then you obviously have some around you that care, so get rid of that idea too. Remember another thing, which was told as a joke at a conference, but is soo true. Anyone can grow up in a perfect family in church and love God, some of us take time and develop an amazing testimony, so that we can reach others. The path is not important, both journeys lead to the same place.

artqween · Feb 22, 2013

DandyDandelion said:
Okay, where to start? I've been physically involved with this guy--we'll call him Jack--for a few months now. Please, spare me the ridicule >.< I know it's not a good thing and trust me, no one will ever be able to beat me up over it worse than I beat myself up for it daily. He's a few years older than me. We don't have sex (I blatantly refuse any time he mentions it) because that is something so special to me and my virginity is very important to me. But still, we do a lot and some of it I'm just not comfortable with. I've told him that at the very least, I have to be in love with the person I give myself to. He and I aren't even in a relationship. It started in late October or early November and we've been seeing each other once, sometimes twice a week since. He's understanding of my position on sex, which is good because I won't be swayed. Still, no matter how much I try to rationalize it to myself, I know it's wrong what we're doing. I'm just not yet strong enough to leave it all because I'm afraid of being alone and when I'm with him, it's my way of trying to fill the emptiness I feel--to not feel so worthless to the world around me.

Here's where another problem comes in. This guy I know from an old church I used to attend thinks it'd be a good idea if I date his friend--whom we shall refer to as Dan. I've liked his friend before, quite a bit. What had attracted me to him was the fact that he is so strong in his faith, he's a gentleman, he's very intelligent, and we had hit it off right away when we first met. But what stopped me from doing anything at all was the mere fact that I'm not good enough for him. His is a family that seems strong and "perfect," while mine is just a peculiar, dysfunctional bunch. And since I've been seeing this Jack character, I have even more reason to believe that I'm just not good enough for Dan. We click and all that, but if he knew about my past with my family and stuff, AND if he knew about Jack, he'd think me unworthy. I feel as though my personality, my faithfulness, my undying loyalty, would never be enough for him. He's a great guy; I'm a stupid mess. Even before I started seeing Jack, I always felt I'd never be good enough; now that this whole thing with Jack happened, I'm even more of a worthless person than I thought. I have no self-esteem (never have) and I let it make me settle for less than what other people say I deserve, because I don't believe I deserve anything good.

Okay, I'm done.

Hi dd.. Know Jesus died on the cross for u my friend. U r very important. Most importantly.. Go to the guy u like alot and tell him ur interest. U maybe pleasantly surprised. And possibly dump the guy u r having sex with. U may want to tested for any sexual diseases. Or aids/. Bond with ur family tell everything ask for help. They care about u. again.. U r very special, beautiful,. God loves u very much.
Go to ur local church with ur family and the guy u like a lot. r u and the guy u r having sex with strong friends or ??? R u sure he doesnt have another girlfriend and just using u for sex.. Like a type of unmarried mistress?
Seek immed. Help my friend ur situation is ultra unhealthy :-(. And will possibly get worse in time... Hi and plezd to meet u btw..

Hope u like this...
Plenty to go around who all wants one..

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I'm Not Good Enough.

DandyDandelion

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Spunkn

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Johnnz

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JustChuck

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artqween

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