This is a very adult situation. I know some of you are teenagers that read these messages, and I am advising you not to read this or comment on it. Thank you.
I don't know what I expect from coming here--I suppose encouragement, and also catharsis.
More than anything I would like to hear from a Christian man that has been through what I am going through--a Christian marriage that has been rocked by adultery.
Background: I started dating this girl in 9th grade, when we were both 14 years old. 6 1/2 years later, we were married--and both virgins.
I can say that in two sentences, but I don't know of any words that can describe the impact that has on a marriage relationship. Such a wonderful foundation of trust, and truly highlights sexuality as a spiritual issue. Especially for me--it meant a lot to me.
We attend and even serve in church regularly--we were recently asked to take what I feel is a very important leadership position as teachers for a 4th and 5th grade sunday school class. We are tithers, and while of course we are not perfect we have tried to live a Godly lifestyle. I feel that we both need to work towards having a closer personal relationship with God, but that we had been doing well at living out His will.
We've been married for about 1 1/2 years. We have no children. Now, the day before Valentine's day, my wife had sex with another man. Just out of the blue, it seems. It happened only once, and she confessed it to me the day after Valentine's. She answered all of my specific questions about what happened. There is a man where she worked that, when things were slow, would pass the time by showering her with compliments and attention. This turned to flirtation, and she has told me that there developed a running "joke" of him asking her over for sex. She would always decline, but never harshly because she enjoyed the attention. Soon he was telling her things like, "He doesn't deserve you," and, "I can give you things that he can't." The day before the adultery, she told him she would meet him the next day for lunch. Sex was not discussed, but due to their running "joke", it was mutually understood that she was not coming just for food. She began to have doubts that night, and contacted one of her friends for advice. This friend is not a Christian, and is involved her current relationship evolved from a lunch break in which she cheated on her long time boyfriend. Her advice to my wife was to do whatever she wanted--if she liked the guy, then go for it--but if she didn't want to have sex with him, then have nothing further to do with him. At this point, I really think that my wife had decided to cancel her "date". She enjoyed the attention, but did not want to commit adultery.
This may seem inappropriate, but I think it is relevant to the situation. That night, my wife began her period. Since we never copulate during this time, she tells me that she saw this as a chance to not cancel her date (and so keep getting the compliments that she enjoyed), but also know that nothing would happen in terms of sex.
The next day, she went to this man's home for lunch. He kissed her, and she said, "This is wrong." He told her, "It will be okay. It will make you feel better." She told him that she was having her period, and he said it didn't matter to him. At this point, I do not understand why or how she could have continued, but she tells me that she basically felt numb--as though she were watching this happen, but not actually participating. And so she ended up having un-protected, adulterous sex with this man.
After she told me, the morning after Valentine's day, I set up an appointment with a minister. There wasn't much he could do, really. She is truly sorry, I am hurt, and he just prayed for us. He said he wanted to see us stay together and work through this, but that it would not be easy if we did. I told him I was considering divorce. He said it is my choice, and told my wife that in the strictest interpretation of the Bible, if I divorce her for adultery she is never to remarry. Again, though, he encouraged me to stay in the relationship.
That night I also confronted the man as he left work. For a long moment, I said nothing, and stared into his eyes. I think he knew who I was, but he did not look concerned--he looked straight into my eyes also. I told him that he had hurt my wife in a way that he will never understand, that he will pay for it, that it was evil, and that I honestly fear for his soul. He said it was the worst judgement of his life. I turned and walked away, and he called out to me, "Hey!" I turned around. He said, "I don't know what to say." I replied, "I don't think there is anything you can say," and walked away.
I made my wife quit her job there and begin searching for a new one. We have decided that she will avoid if at all possible being in a room alone with another man besides me for any reason.
Since then, the word I think of first to describe myself is devastated. But truly, it is a flood of many different emotions. Love for my wife, anger towards her, depression, and a swirl of blame: blaming myself, blaming her, blaming him, blaming her so-called friend, most of all, blaming Satan. Despite all the emotions I feel that truthfully this was a work of Satan. My wife was deceived, and this man was used by Satan, and her friend was used by Satan to coordinate this evil act.
I am having such a difficult time dealing with this. I want to forgive my wife and move on, but I can't seem to let it go. It dominates my thoughts, and I try to occupy my mind with anything--TV, video games, work, music.
I think of divorcing her--most often I resolve that if she has no sexual diseases from this encounter, then I will try to stay with her. She is scheduled for an appointment for STD screening later today, and the HIV virus can take up to 6 months to show up. So I won't know for sure until then. I intend that we will not have intercourse for that 6 months.
I think I have pretty well made my mind up on that, but I still think of divorcing her, even if she has not contracted anything. It is very difficult, because I still love her and I know that she is really a good person that did a horrible thing. Yet this is the most serious infraction in a marriage--the ultimate betrayal. I believe she was decieved, but part of me thinks that if she is capable of doing this, then she is not the person I thought, and by extension, the person that I love is not real. Please read that sentence again, because it says a lot.
But then I think... If we divorce, then Satan's evil plan has succeeded in destroying a Godly marriage. Or has it already? I mean, our purity is destroyed--there is no way we can ever go back to a marriage where we only experienced each other as sexual partners.
I know in this day and age that doesn't seem to be a big deal, but that is the way God intended things to be--the scripture unequivocably and repeatedly stresses that point. And now it is ruined.
My wife has apologized to me again and again, repented to the Lord, and says she is now inspired to be "the wife God intended" for me. She has been reading a lot of scripture, purchased two devotionals that she is working through, etc.
Although I know that nothing should impact my relationship with God, this has. Honestly, one of the ways I am dealing with the hurt is by hardening my heart. It can't hurt me if I don't let it. I don't intend to do this, but I recognize that it is happening. I think that by hardening my heart, I numb myself to the pain, but I also close off my heart to God. I really can't seem to sit down and pray about this. I have read scripture, and tried to handle it with "Christian behaviour" but I have not gone to God for comfort or help. For some reason, I just haven't forced myself to sit down and do that.
I do question, though, why God would allow this to happen. I know my wife has a free will, but I feel I have been faithful to God, and the scriptures say that if I honor God, he will protect me. I know I have not been perfect, but I haven't done anything to deserve this. I did "the right thing". I lived "the right way". Now I question good will. Why should I be good, when I will be hurt either way? Why should I not do whatever I feel--but that is life by a doctrine for pigs. Sometimes, I want to give up. But I don't want to die. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. "Everybody dies, but not everybody lives." Now I know why. Living hurts. If you could have known me 2 weeks ago--I was one of the happiest people you would meet. I felt like I was protected by God, that nothing but good things could happen to me.
One of the things the minister told us was that this should be kept confidential (which I don't think anonymous internet postings violate). That also makes it difficult for me, because I feel like I have to go around hiding my pain, acting like nothing has happened, while friends and family continue to think that my wife is such a good wife (I know that last part is petty, but I feel it and I'm trying to deal with it).
Sometimes I get so mad, on the inside. I want to call her a harlot or [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. I cannot believe that she ruined our purity just to be another notch in the headboard of some playboy (she knew this man had a lot of girlfriends). I refrain from saying it, but I say things to point out that she has done this evil thing to me. I don't say mean or hateful things, but I still think it is mean or hateful because I say things to make her think about what she has done so that she will feel guilty for it.
Sometimes, I still don't believe this has happened. I think about our history, our story, and it doesn't seem plausible that this could happen.
Othertimes, I get this feeling of angst in my chest, that makes me feel like I want to explode. But I don't even move. It feels strange.
Ok, I've probably been writing this for two hours or something. I feel I've vented some. Now I would like to hear what others think, particularly if you have been in this situation before. I know there are people who have had adulterous spouses before, but I wonder how many there are out there that stayed chaste through years of dating, were married and lived as Christians, only to have the spouse commit this act against God, themselves, and their spouse.
Thanks, and please pray for us.
I don't know what I expect from coming here--I suppose encouragement, and also catharsis.
More than anything I would like to hear from a Christian man that has been through what I am going through--a Christian marriage that has been rocked by adultery.
Background: I started dating this girl in 9th grade, when we were both 14 years old. 6 1/2 years later, we were married--and both virgins.
I can say that in two sentences, but I don't know of any words that can describe the impact that has on a marriage relationship. Such a wonderful foundation of trust, and truly highlights sexuality as a spiritual issue. Especially for me--it meant a lot to me.
We attend and even serve in church regularly--we were recently asked to take what I feel is a very important leadership position as teachers for a 4th and 5th grade sunday school class. We are tithers, and while of course we are not perfect we have tried to live a Godly lifestyle. I feel that we both need to work towards having a closer personal relationship with God, but that we had been doing well at living out His will.
We've been married for about 1 1/2 years. We have no children. Now, the day before Valentine's day, my wife had sex with another man. Just out of the blue, it seems. It happened only once, and she confessed it to me the day after Valentine's. She answered all of my specific questions about what happened. There is a man where she worked that, when things were slow, would pass the time by showering her with compliments and attention. This turned to flirtation, and she has told me that there developed a running "joke" of him asking her over for sex. She would always decline, but never harshly because she enjoyed the attention. Soon he was telling her things like, "He doesn't deserve you," and, "I can give you things that he can't." The day before the adultery, she told him she would meet him the next day for lunch. Sex was not discussed, but due to their running "joke", it was mutually understood that she was not coming just for food. She began to have doubts that night, and contacted one of her friends for advice. This friend is not a Christian, and is involved her current relationship evolved from a lunch break in which she cheated on her long time boyfriend. Her advice to my wife was to do whatever she wanted--if she liked the guy, then go for it--but if she didn't want to have sex with him, then have nothing further to do with him. At this point, I really think that my wife had decided to cancel her "date". She enjoyed the attention, but did not want to commit adultery.
This may seem inappropriate, but I think it is relevant to the situation. That night, my wife began her period. Since we never copulate during this time, she tells me that she saw this as a chance to not cancel her date (and so keep getting the compliments that she enjoyed), but also know that nothing would happen in terms of sex.
The next day, she went to this man's home for lunch. He kissed her, and she said, "This is wrong." He told her, "It will be okay. It will make you feel better." She told him that she was having her period, and he said it didn't matter to him. At this point, I do not understand why or how she could have continued, but she tells me that she basically felt numb--as though she were watching this happen, but not actually participating. And so she ended up having un-protected, adulterous sex with this man.
After she told me, the morning after Valentine's day, I set up an appointment with a minister. There wasn't much he could do, really. She is truly sorry, I am hurt, and he just prayed for us. He said he wanted to see us stay together and work through this, but that it would not be easy if we did. I told him I was considering divorce. He said it is my choice, and told my wife that in the strictest interpretation of the Bible, if I divorce her for adultery she is never to remarry. Again, though, he encouraged me to stay in the relationship.
That night I also confronted the man as he left work. For a long moment, I said nothing, and stared into his eyes. I think he knew who I was, but he did not look concerned--he looked straight into my eyes also. I told him that he had hurt my wife in a way that he will never understand, that he will pay for it, that it was evil, and that I honestly fear for his soul. He said it was the worst judgement of his life. I turned and walked away, and he called out to me, "Hey!" I turned around. He said, "I don't know what to say." I replied, "I don't think there is anything you can say," and walked away.
I made my wife quit her job there and begin searching for a new one. We have decided that she will avoid if at all possible being in a room alone with another man besides me for any reason.
Since then, the word I think of first to describe myself is devastated. But truly, it is a flood of many different emotions. Love for my wife, anger towards her, depression, and a swirl of blame: blaming myself, blaming her, blaming him, blaming her so-called friend, most of all, blaming Satan. Despite all the emotions I feel that truthfully this was a work of Satan. My wife was deceived, and this man was used by Satan, and her friend was used by Satan to coordinate this evil act.
I am having such a difficult time dealing with this. I want to forgive my wife and move on, but I can't seem to let it go. It dominates my thoughts, and I try to occupy my mind with anything--TV, video games, work, music.
I think of divorcing her--most often I resolve that if she has no sexual diseases from this encounter, then I will try to stay with her. She is scheduled for an appointment for STD screening later today, and the HIV virus can take up to 6 months to show up. So I won't know for sure until then. I intend that we will not have intercourse for that 6 months.
I think I have pretty well made my mind up on that, but I still think of divorcing her, even if she has not contracted anything. It is very difficult, because I still love her and I know that she is really a good person that did a horrible thing. Yet this is the most serious infraction in a marriage--the ultimate betrayal. I believe she was decieved, but part of me thinks that if she is capable of doing this, then she is not the person I thought, and by extension, the person that I love is not real. Please read that sentence again, because it says a lot.
But then I think... If we divorce, then Satan's evil plan has succeeded in destroying a Godly marriage. Or has it already? I mean, our purity is destroyed--there is no way we can ever go back to a marriage where we only experienced each other as sexual partners.
I know in this day and age that doesn't seem to be a big deal, but that is the way God intended things to be--the scripture unequivocably and repeatedly stresses that point. And now it is ruined.
My wife has apologized to me again and again, repented to the Lord, and says she is now inspired to be "the wife God intended" for me. She has been reading a lot of scripture, purchased two devotionals that she is working through, etc.
Although I know that nothing should impact my relationship with God, this has. Honestly, one of the ways I am dealing with the hurt is by hardening my heart. It can't hurt me if I don't let it. I don't intend to do this, but I recognize that it is happening. I think that by hardening my heart, I numb myself to the pain, but I also close off my heart to God. I really can't seem to sit down and pray about this. I have read scripture, and tried to handle it with "Christian behaviour" but I have not gone to God for comfort or help. For some reason, I just haven't forced myself to sit down and do that.
I do question, though, why God would allow this to happen. I know my wife has a free will, but I feel I have been faithful to God, and the scriptures say that if I honor God, he will protect me. I know I have not been perfect, but I haven't done anything to deserve this. I did "the right thing". I lived "the right way". Now I question good will. Why should I be good, when I will be hurt either way? Why should I not do whatever I feel--but that is life by a doctrine for pigs. Sometimes, I want to give up. But I don't want to die. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. "Everybody dies, but not everybody lives." Now I know why. Living hurts. If you could have known me 2 weeks ago--I was one of the happiest people you would meet. I felt like I was protected by God, that nothing but good things could happen to me.
One of the things the minister told us was that this should be kept confidential (which I don't think anonymous internet postings violate). That also makes it difficult for me, because I feel like I have to go around hiding my pain, acting like nothing has happened, while friends and family continue to think that my wife is such a good wife (I know that last part is petty, but I feel it and I'm trying to deal with it).
Sometimes I get so mad, on the inside. I want to call her a harlot or [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. I cannot believe that she ruined our purity just to be another notch in the headboard of some playboy (she knew this man had a lot of girlfriends). I refrain from saying it, but I say things to point out that she has done this evil thing to me. I don't say mean or hateful things, but I still think it is mean or hateful because I say things to make her think about what she has done so that she will feel guilty for it.
Sometimes, I still don't believe this has happened. I think about our history, our story, and it doesn't seem plausible that this could happen.
Othertimes, I get this feeling of angst in my chest, that makes me feel like I want to explode. But I don't even move. It feels strange.
Ok, I've probably been writing this for two hours or something. I feel I've vented some. Now I would like to hear what others think, particularly if you have been in this situation before. I know there are people who have had adulterous spouses before, but I wonder how many there are out there that stayed chaste through years of dating, were married and lived as Christians, only to have the spouse commit this act against God, themselves, and their spouse.
Thanks, and please pray for us.