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HELP! I think she's falling...

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Elliemare

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into the sex industry/erotic modeling/inappropriate content or something of that sort.

My niece has been a wanna-be model since she was 17. She's now 23. She poses for photographers for free just to "build her portfolio" yet she never takes any steps to use that portfolio to become a real model. (I think she fears rejection and competition of legitimate modeling agencies)

Her photos are becoming more and more risque, and she's posed nude more than once. A lot of the pictures are erotic, but she considers it "art".

Now she is traveling all over the country and even went to the islands for a "photo shoot". I saw the portfolio of the photographer that she's posing for. He's a regular old portrait and wedding photographer with an erotic/nude portfolio too. What puzzles me is if this guy is a professional, how is he making money off of these nude pics? He hasn't been paying my niece as far as I know, and she even pays her own travel expenses. So why is she doing this?

I'm concerned for her safety and her future. She is very vulnerable, needy and needs to be desired by men. She's very vain and self-centered. She seems very narcissistic and I think she may be addicted to this lifestyle/attention/adoration/lust etc. It really is starting to look like a sickness and I fear she is going to get sucked in further and further. For all I know, she may be doing full-blown inappropriate content at this time?

I don't know what else to do other than pray? She won't listen to me or anyone else in the family. She's very angry, thinks she knows everything and hates Christians or anyone who upholds any kind of moral standards. I'm just so worried. What do you think is going on with her? Why the traveling all of a sudden? She leaves her boyfriend behind at home when she goes on these trips and she drinks a lot. I just wish I knew what was really going on with her, but she's so combative I can't talk to her at all.
 

BlondieLashes

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Hi Elliemare! Sorry I didn't respond yesterday, but I was thinking about you and your niece. She is so fortunate to have you praying for her! I will pray for her as well.

As far as what to do...be as gentle with her as possible. As you have noticed, she is very reactive and probably will be for as long as she is in the industry (which if she is posing for nude pics, I consider her in the industry). It takes a sense of detachment from oneself to be able to pose nude, do inappropriate content or strip.

You may want to get a copy of Harmony Dust's, "Scars and Stilletos" (spelling?) from the Treasures website or through Amazon. Possibly gently suggest that she read it. Because it is about the industry she may.

I will keep you and her in my prayers!
 
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Elliemare

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Thanks so much for the support, prayers and advice. I have done some more online researching of these photographers that my niece has been working with for years. They are considered in their own bios to be "erotic portrait photographers". One photographer whom my niece had been traveling with/posing for recently is on a website called "Deviantart.com" and some of his work wouldn't even appear on my screen because of the filters on my computer! That really had me scared and I did see a few pics of my niece on there. Not totally nude, but partially and very erotic and suggestive pics.

The hard part about getting through to her is that in the circles she socializes in, this type of work is considered "art" and not inappropriate content. Someone like me is just an old, uptight, conservative, fuddy-duddy in her opinion and I'm just not as progressive as she and her friends.

However, she is being deceptive about this work. She tries to lead people to believe that she is a fashion model, which she is not. The sad part is that even my sister (the mother) falls for this deception that this modeling is somehow legitimate work and even goes so far as to brag to friends and family about her daughter's "modeling"!! My sister is embarrassed to admit that her daughter didn't go to college so instead of saying "she's a bartender" she replies "she's a "model"! Its frustrating to see both of them so blinded that they can't face reality.

You are right, it does take a certain level of detachment to pose nude for whatever reason, even for art's sake. I guess I should consider her to be in the industry as well... because she is!

It just doesn't make sense, because as far as I know, she's not even getting paid for these photos?? Or at least she wasn't in the past, she may be getting paid more recently. But isn't that REALLY sick if she is posing for free???? I mean, how deep is her need to be lusted after and objectified? That is sad and scary.

This is a kid who at 11 years old talked of nothing but how big her boobs were getting, how grown men were hitting on her and how often guys whistled at her and beeped their car horns at her. I mean, that is literally ALL she talked about when she was merely 11-12 years old!!! It drove me so crazy back then, and now I really feel like I'm going crazy!
 
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BlondieLashes

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Elliemare - If she was talking this way when she was just a child, do you have any suspicions that she may have been molested or raped at some point? I am certainly not saying she has been, but to be objectifying herself at such a young age it makes me wonder.

Many, many women in the industry lie about what they do for a living. A common lie is that they are a "model"....I've used that title in the past, and I was technically posing for men's magazines! Her mom probably cannot face the truth because it hurts too much or she does not really know the extent of her daughter's, "modeling".

Pray, pray, pray...never judge her as we don't know what has lead her to make the decisions she is now making. Have you checked out www.iamatreasure.com? It may help you understand the mindset of your niece by reading through, "our stories". You are a great Aunt for caring so much and an awesome human being for praying for her!
 
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Elliemare

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I do have to wonder if she was molested or raped at some point in her past. She was really traumatized by her parents divorce which caused her dad to become absent from her life and she was always desperate for his attention though, so that could be some of it. Her mother has always treated men as if they were disposable and cannot be without a man in her life.

I'm sure that her mom cannot face the truth. Their relationship is very strained and my sister will go along with anything the kid does or says just so her daughter will "like" her and they will stay on good terms. I think she's afraid that if she objects to anything the kid does, that it will push her away for good, so she walks on eggshells all the time and her daughter calls most of the shots most of the time.

I did order Harmony Dust's book, and I will check out www.iamatreasure.com. Not just for my niece, but to help me too! I'm now a pastoral counselor and I haven't counseled any former sex workers yet, but I am counseling women who've had abortions and substance abuse in their past. I'm soaking up all of the information I can right now to be able to better help myself and the Lord use me to help whomever he puts in my path!

Thanks so much, I'm praying a lot these days!
 
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Elliemare

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One more bit of information that has been on my mind and I feel I need to explore... I think my sister has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which would make my niece the adult child of a narcissist... and an ONLY child. Most mothers with NPD pick a child to be the "golden child" and one to be the "scapegoat" from what I've read. I think my niece was both to my sister and the dynamic went back and forth as it suited my sister's emotional state at the time.

This could have a HUGE bearing on this girl's poor life choices for herself.
 
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BlondieLashes

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Elliemare - I am so excited that you ordered Harmony's book and that you are checking out the Treasures website!!! It will help you help your niece and others you may encounter in your ministry! If you think about it, there are thousands of strip clubs all over the world and thousands of women in inappropriate content/sex trafficking/ escorting, etc. so in your counseling days you are bound to meet some! I think back to when I was in the industry. There were no ministries save one (that is no longer around) online for women in the industry and when I did go to a church for counseling after I got out of the industry I was told not to talk about my life in the women's groups because I would be judged! I also had the woman counseling me at the time really up against it as to how to counsel me and she ended up calling the pastor in during one of our sessions to lay hands on me and cast out demons (I am not saying that I didn't need it, I just really think I was misunderstood!). What I am trying to say is THANK YOU for taking the time to care and LEARN about women in the industry and who we really are and how to help! What an extraordinary blessing!

Yes, if your sis has NPD her daughter has had a boatload of issues to deal with growing up. Add to that seeing men come and go in her mother's life had to be really confusing. She hasn't had a fair start at life it seems. Let's pray together that she will be given a second chance to have a happy, healthy life! God bless you!
 
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debutaunte

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...she needs to talk with someone that will listen and not judge. Not that we, my friend Randy and me, are saying you or anyone else is doing this.

These are just our opinions. Randy just wanted me to tell you that he used to be an adult actor. And that he met a lot of girls like your niece over the years.

When she is ready to reveal why she does what she does she will. He says just be there for her and be open to hearing her out. Otherwise just let her live her life however she wants unless it becomes dangerous to her immediate safety.

Only advice but well-intended nonetheless. Bless you and your family.
 
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Elliemare

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Thanks for the input. I really have no choice but to let her do what she's doing. I know I can't say anything to her or it could just push her deeper into the business in an effort to "prove" that what she's doing is okay. I've been through that with her before.

When she was only 17 she wanted to work in a bikini at a booth at a car show. I tried to talk sense into her, plus she was under age! Eventually, the guy that wanted to hire her changed his mind because of the fact that she was only 17. My niece had to call and tell me that she wasn't taking the job but not because of "Anything you said to me, but because he won't hire me due to my age". She had to call to let me know one last time that my words had no impact on her decision making process. Since then, I've kept my mouth shut.

I am concerned for her safety. She meets with total strangers that she met on the internet all by herself. She could get raped or murdered! But her own mother doesn't seem concerned, so not much I can do but pray.

I guess I'm just so puzzled as to WHY she is doing this? If it was for money, or even to support a drug habit, that would at least make some sense. But as far as I know, she's not even getting paid and this is simply so she can "play" professional model and feel admired and lusted after. Its just for her own self-esteem and ego. Her (and her mother's) perception of reality seems so twisted? I guess it stems from that narcissistic behavior?

I've been looking at my own mother and I think she had NPD traits too. My sister being the "golden child" and my brother and I being the "scapegoat". The pieces of the puzzle are coming together, but once again, there is nothing I can do but sit back and pray.
 
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debutaunte

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You have all of the information you need then. My suggestion would be to ignore the things you know she's using to get attention and only involve yourself with things that you approve of. The enemy of attention-getting is ignoring the attention-getter. Since your sister is indifferent to her own daughter's reckless behavior, all we can do is pray for her and hope she realizes how foolish she's behaving and wises up before anything terrible happens. She's obviously begging for attention with the hope that someone intervenes and stops her as "proof" (for her own sake) that someone "cares". Or maybe she's just suicidal because she knows meeting strangers (especially from online) isn't an acceptable way to interact with people. Sometimes any attention, good or bad, is good enough for someone trying to prove that they are "special" and unique" and "meaningful" and "loved". These are just opinions but someone in there lies the answer. You're a great source of support for your niece so at least she knows she has support just in case something dramatic or traumatic does happen. Which we all hope doesn't of course. I'll pray for her too. Thank you for sharing this important family matter with me. God Bless.
 
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Elliemare

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Thanks Ruth. I do think she's doing this for attention. She is the type that craves attention, negative or positive. My sister is the same way. My mother rewards my sister's bad behavior as well as her good. Now my sister is doing the same with her daughter.

Its scary to see someone so disconnected from reality. My sister and her daughter just seem to think that they can just twist the truth and make it reality. Its bizarre and sad to see. Neither one of them seems to be able to live an authentic life. They are both so concerned about the outer image, that they don't even know who they are on the inside anymore.
 
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Johnnz

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If she has that narcissistic personality disorder she is unlikely to even want to change. It's hard seeing someone self destruct, but with some people they are impervious to what they are becoming. She is obviously very sexually aware. Christians can have issues with such people, who need some very frank but healthy discussions about human sexuality.

Sad.

John
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Elliemare

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I spoke to my mother yesterday about my niece. She seems to think that trying to talk to my sister would be pointless. My sister is in denial, she likes believing the fantasy that her daughter is a fashion model and she's burying her head in the sand to the truth. Its sad to see my sister and niece both so delusional.

There is tension between my sister and her daughter that is still left unresolved. My niece has tried to clear the air with her mother but her mother is still standing firm in her "version" of the truth. The two of them can never move forward until the truth comes out and true repentance takes place, but my sister won't have any of that.

I'm not sure what else to do other than pray. I did read Harmony's book, it was wonderful and very helpful. I'm even interested in doing a strip club outreach in my area. I'm toying with the idea. Since starting the post-abortion recovery group, I'm really interested in reaching out to women who are hurting in similar ways: Secrets, lies, shame and all of the symptoms come with it. Just an idea...
 
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RuthD

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Thanks Ruth. I do think she's doing this for attention. She is the type that craves attention, negative or positive. My sister is the same way. My mother rewards my sister's bad behavior as well as her good. Now my sister is doing the same with her daughter.

Its scary to see someone so disconnected from reality. My sister and her daughter just seem to think that they can just twist the truth and make it reality. Its bizarre and sad to see. Neither one of them seems to be able to live an authentic life. They are both so concerned about the outer image, that they don't even know who they are on the inside anymore.
I applaud your concern for them. I think all we can do is to try and plant the seed of Jesus with them. I am praying.:crosseo:
 
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RuthD

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I spoke to my mother yesterday about my niece. She seems to think that trying to talk to my sister would be pointless. My sister is in denial, she likes believing the fantasy that her daughter is a fashion model and she's burying her head in the sand to the truth. Its sad to see my sister and niece both so delusional.

There is tension between my sister and her daughter that is still left unresolved. My niece has tried to clear the air with her mother but her mother is still standing firm in her "version" of the truth. The two of them can never move forward until the truth comes out and true repentance takes place, but my sister won't have any of that.

I'm not sure what else to do other than pray. I did read Harmony's book, it was wonderful and very helpful. I'm even interested in doing a strip club outreach in my area. I'm toying with the idea. Since starting the post-abortion recovery group, I'm really interested in reaching out to women who are hurting in similar ways: Secrets, lies, shame and all of the symptoms come with it. Just an idea...
Your outreach is a great idea. I pray that it works out well. You are doing a great job!
 
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Elliemare

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Well, its no longer a suspicion... I found out why my niece went to the islands with this "photographer" a few weeks ago. His website had a posting from a few months ago advertising a photo workshop for other aspiring photographers at a "clothing optional" resort featuring 2 or 3 playboy models and two fetish models as well as "8 other beautiful nude models".

That's the gig my niece went on. The dates correspond with the dates she was traveling and its the same island. She was one of the "8 other girls". I'm guessing since it was a photography workshop for students that the "girls" most likely were not paid...

This is so disturbing now that I have all the details. Its no longer an assumption. Its confirmed... and I feel sick to my stomach.
 
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Elliemare

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Its just killing me. I was hoping that I was being paranoid, that I was over-reacting, that I wouldn't find proof that she is really doing this, but there is no denying it now.

I was praying that the dates of the "workshop" wouldn't correspond with her facebook updates and pics of her in the islands, but it all adds up. Her departure date, location and her return date all match the "workshop" dates. I'm just devastated.

I get waves of anger, and just want to scream. I'm fighting the temptation to PM her the link to the "workshop" website, just to let her know that I know. But I'm not sure that this is the right thing to do??

I wonder if her boyfriend knows what she's doing? I guess she's not being duped into this anymore in an effort to build a fashion modeling career, she really wants to be an erotic model and she's aspiring to do playboy and more some day. This is so disappointing.

Her mother doesn't know. I don't know if her father knows or not, but the calender she posed for will be out for 2013, and it will be for sale so I don't know how she expects to keep this a secret for much longer? Maybe she doesn't want it to be a secret? Maybe she'll eventually be loud and proud of her career? I just don't understand it all?

I'm also tempted to PM her the link to www.iamatreasure.com or the link to Harmony's book?
 
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