Grief from loss of soulmate.

Rememberme · Mar 5, 2012

LPetal said:
Yes, thank you

I am in despair at the moment, today I still find it hard to believe my sweet Eddie is not coming back. I feel that someone (God) cut my heart out whilst I am still living, and because I am a Christian I would never take my own life, but I wished I'd died with him. We never wanted to be without the other, and I don't care what 'jobs' I still have to 'do for the Lord' or any other crap (sorry for the language) but I just wish we died together as I don't see the point without him. I have never been so lonely in my life. Truth. No glossing over it with empty vessel talk here.[

I understand the wanting to die too.It is just plain hard.No ifs or ands about it.You don't need to be concerned with "jobs" the Lord has.You are in a very new place.Ask the Lord to carry you now.Keep posting .We are here.Say what you need to say.

blackribbon · Mar 5, 2012

LPetal said:
Yes, thank you

I am in despair at the moment, today I still find it hard to believe my sweet Eddie is not coming back. I feel that someone (God) cut my heart out whilst I am still living, and because I am a Christian I would never take my own life, but I wished I'd died with him. We never wanted to be without the other, and I don't care what 'jobs' I still have to 'do for the Lord' or any other crap (sorry for the language) but I just wish we died together as I don't see the point without him. I have never been so lonely in my life. Truth. No glossing over it with empty vessel talk here.

I'm so sorry. I remember lying down on Billy's grave and just trying to will myself dead. I'd never kill myself but I'd have willing have let go of my spirit. It won't always be this bad. However that doesn't help today. Today is just about surviving. That is enough.

Breathe...and cry....and survive just one moment at a time. Let God's love surround you because He does care that you hurt so much. ((hugs)) and we do know how much you hurt...

LPetal · Mar 6, 2012

if He cares, He should have healed Eddie or taken us together, because HE made me and He knows that I am completely alone now, and He knows the first 4/5ths of my life was hell, and that Eddie has been my only happiness, and if He cares He shouldn't have left me in this unprotected position alone. We were meant to die together. I can't go on alone and spend the rest of my life like this. I don't care who else has done it, or the victory they've had doing it, or if someone else comes on here with empty vessel talk about how close God is to them, it isn't as close as I felt to God when He finally provided me someone to love me - and now He's taken away the only happiness I've had. So there are either of two choices, 1) it was my fault, my carelessness or neglect that caused Eddie to die, or 2) God took him at his "appointed time", either prospect isn't good. How am I supposed to trust a God who took the only happiness I've ever had? I left my home and came to a new country (no details please) sold everything I had and followed the call of God to work in Christian Reconciliation in Northern Ireland many many years ago, only to have other 'Christians" defecate on my front drive because they didn't want to hear the message of Reconciliation with their Christian brothers and sisters in Christ. I had bombs thrown through my window, I had my car taken off me for protection money, I had someone try to get me thrown into jail because they didn't want reconciliation and it was the only way they could think of to get rid of me, I had an AK-47 pointed in my face on more than one occassion - and then finally I got Eddie, and it make it all worth it. Now I am EXTREMELY ANGRY AT GOD and desolate. So in less you've gone through what I've gone through and now I am left completely alone, then don't come back to me with empty vessel talk about being close to the Lord, because I won't believe you. <truth>

memoriesbymichelle · Mar 6, 2012

We can't heal your broken heart and no most of us have certainly not gone thru all you have, probably not even close. We can try to emphatize with you and listen to you if you choose to let us. It is a natural reaction for some to get mad at God. He can handle it. I don't have any empty talk to give to you. What helped me, even though my circumstance wasn't nearly as bad as yours, was to think of my Michael and how he would want me to react. Would he want me to give up? Of course I had children to take care of too. I also thought about what if the shoe was on the other foot and I had died. Would I want my Michael to give up? My answer to both questions was NO. I chose to go on because of my love for my husband and what I thought he would want me to do. God was there but I didn't understand either why my husband wasn't healed. But he wasn't. Can't go back. Can't change it. No one can truly understand your pain, but we do want to be here to try to help you, again, if you let us.

Rememberme · Mar 6, 2012

I wish you did not have to feel this.Part of our humanity is pain.if you had not of loved you would not feel pain.You have gone through alot of challenges in your life,to say the least.I know what you are saying about the God thing.I still have a hard time reading Gods word.I stood on His promises and got nothing.God does not take our love ones. I had to blame God who else was I to blame.He can take it.I am weeping with you.

LPetal · Mar 6, 2012

thank you for your candid honesty and compassion

memoriesbymichelle said:
We can't heal your broken heart and no most of us have certainly not gone thru all you have, probably not even close. We can try to emphatize with you and listen to you if you choose to let us. It is a natural reaction for some to get mad at God. He can handle it. I don't have any empty talk to give to you. What helped me, even though my circumstance wasn't nearly as bad as yours, was to think of my Michael and how he would want me to react. Would he want me to give up? Of course I had children to take care of too. I also thought about what if the shoe was on the other foot and I had died. Would I want my Michael to give up? My answer to both questions was NO. I chose to go on because of my love for my husband and what I thought he would want me to do. God was there but I didn't understand either why my husband wasn't healed. But he wasn't. Can't go back. Can't change it. No one can truly understand your pain, but we do want to be here to try to help you, again, if you let us.

LPetal · Mar 6, 2012

thank you for your candid honesty and compassion, and please expand on that thought? You said "God does not take our loved ones" ... please expand that thought with a further explanation - cheers

Rememberme said:
I wish you did not have to feel this.Part of our humanity is pain.if you had not of loved you would not feel pain.You have gone through alot of challenges in your life,to say the least.I know what you are saying about the God thing.I still have a hard time reading Gods word.I stood on His promises and got nothing.God does not take our love ones. I had to blame God who else was I to blame.He can take it.I am weeping with you.

blackribbon · Mar 6, 2012

Anything I say right now wouldn't be of much help...and probably be all wrong because I am not standing in your shoes. I am in my own bad place and fighting to find my way to where I can breathe again. It does get better but it never goes away. It can't because we loved them. Where I'm at isn't as bad as where you are though, and I know it.

I will leave it at, "I hear you and it does (name your own 4 lettered word that we aren't allowed to type here)"...and I am sorry that it does have to hurt this much.

I wish we all had the answer to "why". I know I have two kids that are the reason I didn't get to go yet but that still doesn't answer all the whys.

You will have to find your answers to the whys you couldn't go yet, either.

Rememberme · Mar 7, 2012

LPetal the illness took your loved one not God.We naturally want to blame Him.I believe our God is good.Look at it as a battle.We may have lost a battle but not the war.I will continue to fight.I might be war weary, but with Gods help will finish the race. (((hugs)))

LPetal · Mar 7, 2012

thank you both

HolySpiritWOF2 · Mar 18, 2012

Quando62 said:
My wife passed away 2 months ago. We had 10 years of a blessed life. Now I am finding hard not to obsess with what happened the night she passed. She had Multiple Slcerosis and it was progressing fast. I seem to be dwelling on the what if's, if only's, regrets, could I have saved her? I am depressed, physical pains, heart palpitations, choking, feel like I can't breathe. I do know we had the most wonderful Christian marriage I could ask for as we prayed, studied together. What I learned from a post is that Satan wants to keep is in this pitfall of regret and such. I know God has something beautiful planned for me, but as hard as it is, I am just terribly lonely, a basket case. Any ideas for getting back into life I would welcome very much, as I must turn this over to Christ, especially knowing she is with Him. Thanks, lost and desperate.

Breck

precious brother.... your wife is in perfect comfort and peace as you know.... it is you that GOD is reaching out for right now.... in order to start the healing process.... your feelings/emotions/heart need a chance to vent the pain and grief.... let it flow out.... if you bottle them up and try to stop/squash them they will flow out into your body and affect your body....

you probably have to "pull it together" for some amount of each day to go to work etc.... but try to cut out all uneccessary activities so that you can have time to grieve.... you need some time with GOD.... and/ or with someone that understands and will let you grieve.... you have to let the grief and pain out.... it will seem overwhelming.... even scary..... but let it flow out.... as you pray and stay near GOD.... pour it out to GOD.... let HIM take your grief and pain.... ask HIM to help you and heal you.... and DO NOT feel bad about how you are feeling right now.... no matter how long it takes..... let the grief flow out in a safe place.... it will help....

JESUS wept.... the BIBLE says weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice.... if GOD tells us to do that then FOR SURE HE will do that.... weep with HIM.... HE will weep with you.... this is not the time to be perfect.... your heart needs a healing.... HE loves you.... let HIM have all the pain and doubt and regrets and anger and grief and confusion etc.... let it out.... give it all to HIM.... and take HIS love.... let HIS love flow in.....

footprints in the sand.... that is for you right now.... let HIM carry you.... give yourself some time.... be kind to yourself.... if you are able to.... put on worship music when you pray/grieve etc.... put on something that helps you.... music.... the WORD... something soothing and comforting.... let it be part of your "therapy"..... you have a wound that needs healing.... attend to the wound gently and properly.... don't ignore the symptoms.... don't force yourself to do the "perfect"..... give yourself a season of grace.... praying for you continuously....

LPetal · Mar 19, 2012

Start with the small drawers, socks, undergarments, receipts, read through them, you might find a surprise, which reminds you of the love you deposited in to each other's lives for 10 years.

I am in your same position, my husband of 10 years died in January. Take a long walk, works for me, pretending like he's holding my hand. Go and visit the grave regularly. "Jesus wept."

This is the fourth time I've received the same message (Jesus wept) in 2 weeks, so it has significance, and it is enough said. He could have raised him from the dead first, but first, Jesus wept. Jesus wept. I don't think we can move on to anything new, until we mourn and grieve. I don't think we need "healing" because at least for me, when I move on, I'm taking him with me, as he didn't leave me, he died, and it wasn't his choice.

Jesus wept.

hopetoheal · Mar 30, 2012

Dear Quando,

I feel like you do too. I was only married to my beloved husband for 10 short but wonderful years. But then, in the early Fall, he contracted a horrible disease that made him melt down completely in a matter of weeks. I wanted to get a discussion started on my own shock and trauma combined with the terrible sadness, but my thread was never really picked up. I'll pray for you and please pray for me too. Maybe you could share the experience of her final days.

loveabounds · Mar 31, 2012

Quando62 said:
My wife passed away 2 months ago. We had 10 years of a blessed life. Now I am finding hard not to obsess with what happened the night she passed. She had Multiple Slcerosis and it was progressing fast. I seem to be dwelling on the what if's, if only's, regrets, could I have saved her? I am depressed, physical pains, heart palpitations, choking, feel like I can't breathe. I do know we had the most wonderful Christian marriage I could ask for as we prayed, studied together. What I learned from a post is that Satan wants to keep is in this pitfall of regret and such. I know God has something beautiful planned for me, but as hard as it is, I am just terribly lonely, a basket case. Any ideas for getting back into life I would welcome very much, as I must turn this over to Christ, especially knowing she is with Him. Thanks, lost and desperate.

Breck

I can well understand the thoughts you have about the what if's, if only's, etc. I had them too after my husband died. It's hard not to put ourselves through those but you already realize that it is satan who wants you to keep thinking about those things. Phil 4:8 tells us that we are suppose to "think upon things that are TRUE". Woulda's, Coulda's, Shoulda's, what if's, if only's....are not true, they aren't real because they didn't happen and God is telling us not to have those thoughts in our minds and to think upon things that really did happen, things that are real, which make them true.

Isaiah 26:3 "You will bring perfect peace, to him whose mind is steadfast and trusts in you". My Pastor reminded me of this verse right after my husband died and at the time, all I could think about was...how in the world was I ever going to find perfect peace in all of this. But I did trust God and it wasn't long after his death that I did have perfect peace. At first it wasn't easy to push away those thoughts that satan loves to keep ruminating on but I promise you, I PROMISE YOU, that if you trust that God will work all things for your good (Rom 8:28), keeping Isaiah 26:3 in your mind....you will find the peace I know you so desperately desire!

Our separation from our loved ones is only a temporary one thanks to Jesus Christ. Until our reunion, I am so very grateful for the year and a half I had with my husband before he left this world, and I focus on what time I did have with him, rather than the time I am losing with him.

If you ever need to talk, send me a private message as there are other things that I am not ready to share with everyone, but think the experience and lessons I learned would be helpful for you as you struggle through this period of adjustment.

God Bless you, my brother.

corno12 · Oct 14, 2012

footprints in the sand.... that is for you right now.... let HIM carry you.... give yourself some time.... be kind to yourself.... if you are able to.... put on worship music when you pray/grieve etc.... put on something that helps you.... music.... the WORD... something soothing and comforting.... let it be part of your "therapy"..... you have a wound that needs healing.... attend to the wound gently and properly.... don't ignore the symptoms.... don't force yourself to do the "perfect"..... give yourself a season of grace.... praying for you continuously....[/QUOTE]

HolySpiritWOF2,

These words you wrote not only ministered to our brother but have also mightily to me. I lost my husband suddenly on 6/25/12, I'm not sure but Dr. thinks it was cardiac arrest. He had had leukemia, a bone marrow transplant but was doing "better" with good blood counts, and then two days later passed away. I love how you said don't force yourself to do the "perfect,"give yourself a season of grace. I hear the enemy saying how bad a Christian I am. Your words have really helped me since I've been pretty miserable. It seems that the longer I walk in this grief lately the worse I feel.

Thank you for your post.

loveabounds · Oct 14, 2012

Quando62 said:
My wife passed away 2 months ago. We had 10 years of a blessed life. Now I am finding hard not to obsess with what happened the night she passed. She had Multiple Slcerosis and it was progressing fast. I seem to be dwelling on the what if's, if only's, regrets, could I have saved her? I am depressed, physical pains, heart palpitations, choking, feel like I can't breathe. I do know we had the most wonderful Christian marriage I could ask for as we prayed, studied together. What I learned from a post is that Satan wants to keep is in this pitfall of regret and such. I know God has something beautiful planned for me, but as hard as it is, I am just terribly lonely, a basket case. Any ideas for getting back into life I would welcome very much, as I must turn this over to Christ, especially knowing she is with Him. Thanks, lost and desperate.

Breck

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you're going through after losing my husband two years ago. May God bring you peace, understanding and comfort.

I'd like to respond to one particular statement you made. Philippians 4:8 states, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

What if's, if only's, woulda's, coulda's, shoulda's... never happened. They are not true, they are not real. God instructs us to only think about things that are "true". What if's, ect...are satan's work to keep us chained to negativity, taking our focus off of what's real.

You are right, your wife is walking with Jesus and the separation you are in is only temporary as you will see her again for eternity!! PTL!!!

Another Scripture that I had come to consistantly rely on is Isaiah 26:3 which states, "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you."

I encourage you to reflect on the words in this passage. What a promise God makes to us and He DOES keep His promises!!!

I'll be praying for you!!! God bless you!!

hopetoheal · Oct 14, 2012

Dear Quando, Your story sounds like mine-- very close. I was married to my beloved soulmate Glenn for only 10 years when he began to show symptoms of a rare neurological disease-- like MS on steroids-- it escalates so fast. He died almost a year ago, and although I was by his side for the entire month he was bedridden as he had a complete meltdown, I still feel regrets that I might have missed some of the danger signs earlier-- although the disease has no cure and no known cause. Anyway, after he died, I began reading his diary and I found a beautiful short passage that he wrote when he took his notebook up to the ski slopes so that he could both learn to ski and describe it in his journal. In it he said, "Great day! Kath (me) is at the base of it all, from the skis and the ticket book to putting up with me being here by myself. What a great wife." The part that is a comfort to me is where he acknowledges that I am "putting up" (tolerating and trusting God) with him being "up here" (heaven) by himself (with me stuck down on earth without him). It made me see that they do still remember us in heaven and that they are waiting for us to be reunited with them. I tell you it is great to be a believing Christian at this time. The other thing I wanted to share was that Jesus told us specifically to "lay up treasures in HEAVEN" where no one can die-- and they'll be no loss. To help me through my grief, I've been praying to God for "treasures" for Glenn that he wouldn't have thought of himself. I'm going on the principal that the people in Heaven don't want anything that God doesn't give them already. But, me down here on earth, I still have ambitions, so I ask the Lord-- humbly of course-- and only if it's HIS will to do some of the things for Glenn that I know he loved. I fully expect that I'll see the result of these prayers. ANd keep in mind, when you lay up treasures in heaven through prayer-- you are part of the hold building made without hands-- HIS temple. ANyway, this is what has been helping me the past few weeks. I hope you can experience some comfort in this too. Hope to heal, real name Kathleen

Mazvita · Oct 16, 2012

Hie everyone i always read these postings they also encourage me, make me bold, and look forward to 2moro. I want to admit its not easy to go through the process of grief, on our own we will not make it. we need the Holy Spirit to comfort us. For me its three years now but I sometimes feel its like yesterday, i sometimes get angry and end up laughing with tears. I very much want to move on but to be honest it hurts and scary. I have also realized that there is no grief that God canot heal because I can follow my healing process to where I am today. The Lord will heal you but my advice is don't take a very long time grieving, because you might lose track and sight of other important issue that needs your attention eg your children needs you more now in times as this, bills needs to be settled before they accumulate huge interest, your work otherwise you will lose it. I am saying this from experience even though we did not have kids I almost lost everything and thus the other problem that I am now having of trying to put things back in place hence my grieving is taking long.

HolySpiritWOF2 · Nov 13, 2012

corno12 said:
footprints in the sand.... that is for you right now.... let HIM carry you.... give yourself some time.... be kind to yourself.... if you are able to.... put on worship music when you pray/grieve etc.... put on something that helps you.... music.... the WORD... something soothing and comforting.... let it be part of your "therapy"..... you have a wound that needs healing.... attend to the wound gently and properly.... don't ignore the symptoms.... don't force yourself to do the "perfect"..... give yourself a season of grace.... praying for you continuously....

HolySpiritWOF2,

These words you wrote not only ministered to our brother but have also mightily to me. I lost my husband suddenly on 6/25/12, I'm not sure but Dr. thinks it was cardiac arrest. He had had leukemia, a bone marrow transplant but was doing "better" with good blood counts, and then two days later passed away. I love how you said don't force yourself to do the "perfect,"give yourself a season of grace. I hear the enemy saying how bad a Christian I am. Your words have really helped me since I've been pretty miserable. It seems that the longer I walk in this grief lately the worse I feel.

Thank you for your post.

precious sister.... i am praying for you.... until your emotions and thoughts settle down into peace and rest.... you may feel like a bad christian.... but don't believe a word of that lie.... you are wounded and grieving such a recent deep loss.... there are many questions.... many regrets..... many what ifs.... and a deep deep gaping wound....

tears are a part of the grieving process.... they help wash away the flood of emotions and pain.... it is like a river.... cleansing the wound.... let it flow unhindered.... let it all wash away.... it is a sign of healing....

if you are able to.... you might try saying thank you JESUS..... or PRAISE you JESUS.... some type of praise when you are grieving.... or maybe saying the words along with your favorite worship cd or something.... it sounds strange.... but it helped me turn my mourning into healing....

we're all so preciously unique.... so if this doesn't work for you let me know.... but this thought came to me when i was praying for you and asking for GOD'S loving words for you.... when i was in the grip of wracking pain of grieving and sobbing.... i found praise words coming out of my mouth.... it made no natural sense.... because i didn't feel thankful at that moment.... but it helped to turn my grieving time into healing time.... somehow it connected me to a faith in GOD that opened a channel for me to receive what i needed.... but didn't have the natural ability to seek or receive....

even though i didn't feel thankful.... praise words coming out of my mouth affected something deep in me..... and turned overwhelmingly dark oppressively heavy sorrow into something more manageable.... it turned the downward spiral of ever deepening grief.... into a plateauing sorrow that eventually lightened...

it was slow and gentle and gradual.... but it created an atmosphere for healing for me.... when i was saying thank you JESUS.... PRAISE YOU JESUS over and over as i was sobbing uncontrollably.... i was thinking to myself.... what am i doing this for?.... what have i to be thankful for?.... but i kept doing it anyway and it dealt with the pain anger confusion sorrow fear.... the myriad of thoughts and feelings that seemed to toss me around mercilessly....

i am praying for you.... let me know how you are doing.... i will keep asking GOD for you for HIS provision and healing....

pm me if you wish.... i'm here for you.... love.... prayers.... peace.... healing.... provision.... comfort..... in JESUS the lover of our souls.....

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