My mom is emotionally & spiritually abusing my dad - advice?

SurvivorGirl · Oct 15, 2012

Hi All,

My mother is in her 70s and has been a tough cookie for as long as I can remember. But over the past several years, my dad has complained about her downright nasty, abusive tongue, especially towards him. She is very controlling - a type A if ever there was one. Dad is meek, humble, laid-back. Mom is a believer, but it seems the more Bible study she does (and Dad says she is always studying the Bible), the meaner she gets. She has totally put my dad off the church and off Christianity. He cannot reconcile how someone who claims to be a Christ-follower can be so critical of him and others, use such demeaning language, be so negative, and crush the very life out of folks. I've witnessed the way she speaks TO my dad, ABOUT my dad, and about others. If someone is overweight, she mutters, "Just look at that walrus! There's no excuse for that!" I grew up hearing about what "ignorant rednecks" my father's family was. She despises one of her best friend's husbands and continually demeans him. The man has never done one thing to her. When my dad confronts her on her speech/behavior, she turns on him like a viper. He said she cannot take a hint of correction or criticism. To her, everyone else has the problem, everyone else isn't walking with the Lord, and everyone else needs to get counseling. I have pulled away from her, because every interaction with her puts me into a negative place and just brings me down. I had to set some very firm boundaries with her, and she has iced me out ever since. My dad said that she doesn't let things go. I am worried about my dad, because he seems very depressed. I wonder if my mom is in the early stages of Alzheimer's, although this isn't "new" behavior, per se, but it is "old behavior" on steroids.

Can anyone advise? Thank you!

Aibrean · Oct 15, 2012

Perhaps it's time for YOU to put her in check.

Dragnog · Oct 15, 2012

SurvivorGirl said:
Hi All,

My mother is in her 70s and has been a tough cookie for as long as I can remember. But over the past several years, my dad has complained about her downright nasty, abusive tongue, especially towards him. She is very controlling - a type A if ever there was one. Dad is meek, humble, laid-back. Mom is a believer, but it seems the more Bible study she does (and Dad says she is always studying the Bible), the meaner she gets. She has totally put my dad off the church and off Christianity. He cannot reconcile how someone who claims to be a Christ-follower can be so critical of him and others, use such demeaning language, be so negative, and crush the very life out of folks. I've witnessed the way she speaks TO my dad, ABOUT my dad, and about others. If someone is overweight, she mutters, "Just look at that walrus! There's no excuse for that!" I grew up hearing about what "ignorant rednecks" my father's family was. She despises one of her best friend's husbands and continually demeans him. The man has never done one thing to her. When my dad confronts her on her speech/behavior, she turns on him like a viper. He said she cannot take a hint of correction or criticism. To her, everyone else has the problem, everyone else isn't walking with the Lord, and everyone else needs to get counseling. I have pulled away from her, because every interaction with her puts me into a negative place and just brings me down. I had to set some very firm boundaries with her, and she has iced me out ever since. My dad said that she doesn't let things go. I am worried about my dad, because he seems very depressed. I wonder if my mom is in the early stages of Alzheimer's, although this isn't "new" behavior, per se, but it is "old behavior" on steroids.

Can anyone advise? Thank you!

If she thinks that everyone else has a problem is she willing to go to counselling with your father? We know that your father currently would not claim to be a Christian, but what about you?

SurvivorGirl · Oct 15, 2012

Yes, I am a Christian and have been one for 35 years. Re: Counseling - she is for it but for everyone else, not for her. My dad won't go. He's on an antidepressant that was prescribed by his cardiologist but has not sought the counseling I think he needs to go along with taking that kind of med.

Dragnog · Oct 15, 2012

SurvivorGirl said:
Yes, I am a Christian and have been one for 35 years. Re: Counseling - she is for it but for everyone else, not for her. My dad won't go. He's on an antidepressant that was prescribed by his cardiologist but has not sought the counseling I think he needs to go along with taking that kind of med.

Thanks for the info, I just needed to know some more info, before giving advice.
First thing that I would say would be to pray that God would be in the whole situation and I will pray for your situation too. It is always hard when the relationship with our parents changes and can be quite disconcerting for all involved, though this sounds like it happened quite a while ago. There is no way of forcing you father to go to counselling, but if your mother was willing to go along then the counselor could address the issues in an objective way.
It sounds like your mother's defense mechanism is to strike out at everyone so you may be correct - there maybe some issue going on for her at the moment and it may not necessarily be psychological. When was the last time she had a check up with her doctor?
It sounds like fathers defense mechanism is to withdraw so it may not be always clear what is going on in his head. Can you arrange some father/daughter time to try and find out?

hedrick · Oct 15, 2012

SurvivorGirl said:
Re: Counseling - she is for it but for everyone else, not for her. My dad won't go. He's on an antidepressant that was prescribed by his cardiologist but has not sought the counseling I think he needs to go along with taking that kind of med.

I would suggest that you urge your father to go for counseling. He needs help dealing with her. The situation sounds serious enough to justify professional help. I would think one of the first steps a counsellor would take would be to try and talk to her as well. Maybe it will work and maybe it won't, but there might be ways to put the request that would work, in the context of treating him.

BFine · Oct 15, 2012

How about having your dad to come over to your home for weekend sleepovers
from time to time?

Something else you can do is talk with your dad's doctor/doctors about what
he is experiencing in his own home, perhaps the doctor/doctors can help?

Your dad makes a good point about his own wife, which is truly sad that a person
who claims to be a believer is so critical, verbally abusive etc....

How is your mom's health?
When was her last complete check-up?
I suggest getting her into seeing a doctor very soon.

SurvivorGirl · Oct 15, 2012

Thanks, folks. I really appreciate all the weigh-ins. Regarding my mom's health, I know that she was diagnosed with a serious, potentially fatal blood disease almost two years ago. She forbid my father to tell me or my brother, even though there can be a genetic component. In fact, she told my dad virtually nothing. Eventually, he caved with me and told but didn't know what it was called, so I suggested he find out - no matter how he had to do that. He looked at the insurance bill and got the diagnosis that way, so I ended up doing all the research and emailing it to him. He was terrified that she was going to know he told me - that's how dysfunctional this situation is. She is doing fine on medication, according to my dad, but it's not something to be "cured," only treated and managed. I don't know if it contributes to her mental state, per se, but certainly feeling like you cannot tell anyone, even your husband, the full truth about it must be wearing. She also has a shopping addiction, but he is afraid to take away the credit cards. She's begun hoarding.

I will pray over whether or not I should talk with my dad's cardiologist about all this. I don't want to overstep, and that's what makes this so hard.

When I have brought issues up to her in the past - how she's treated me, not how she's treated my dad - she denies it (gaslighting). It's very, very difficult to make headway with her. If I thought I could talk my dad into seeing a counselor, I'd try and encourage him to go. She doesn't let him out of her sight much and doesn't like me to talk with him without her being present. Having one-on-one time with him is very rare, but I will see what I can do.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I really appreciate them!

SurvivorGirl · Oct 15, 2012

Also wanted to add that she no longer cooks for my dad. He opens cans (tuna, beans, etc.) when he wants something to eat. She doesn't cook for herself, either but apparently thrives on bananas and salads. Needless to say, they are both rail-thin.

Ark100 · Oct 15, 2012

SurvivorGirl said:
Hi All,

My mother is in her 70s and has been a tough cookie for as long as I can remember. But over the past several years, my dad has complained about her downright nasty, abusive tongue, especially towards him. She is very controlling - a type A if ever there was one. Dad is meek, humble, laid-back. Mom is a believer, but it seems the more Bible study she does (and Dad says she is always studying the Bible), the meaner she gets. She has totally put my dad off the church and off Christianity. He cannot reconcile how someone who claims to be a Christ-follower can be so critical of him and others, use such demeaning language, be so negative, and crush the very life out of folks. I've witnessed the way she speaks TO my dad, ABOUT my dad, and about others. If someone is overweight, she mutters, "Just look at that walrus! There's no excuse for that!" I grew up hearing about what "ignorant rednecks" my father's family was. She despises one of her best friend's husbands and continually demeans him. The man has never done one thing to her. When my dad confronts her on her speech/behavior, she turns on him like a viper. He said she cannot take a hint of correction or criticism. To her, everyone else has the problem, everyone else isn't walking with the Lord, and everyone else needs to get counseling. I have pulled away from her, because every interaction with her puts me into a negative place and just brings me down. I had to set some very firm boundaries with her, and she has iced me out ever since. My dad said that she doesn't let things go. I am worried about my dad, because he seems very depressed. I wonder if my mom is in the early stages of Alzheimer's, although this isn't "new" behavior, per se, but it is "old behavior" on steroids.

Can anyone advise? Thank you!

That's pretty sad. I feel sorry for your dad. I think you should keep praying for your dad, that God continues to give him the peace, strenghth and ability to withstand all the heat.
Also pray for your mom as well. No one is too old for God to touch their lives.

Her attitude has nothing to do with her faith or religion. Its just her. A lot of people get put off by some who call themselves christians because they are not doing what they should be doing, but christianity is more than that.

Some Christians choose to still use bad language, curse, insults and demean others. Its not because they are christian, but because they still need help from God and the Holy Spirit.

You can always pray for her. I like someone's advice that you invite your dad over to your place once in a while. ALSO keep in contact with him regularly and always give him words of advice, cheer him up and let him know you love him and others love him too.

Continue to preach the love of Christ to your dad, so that he gives his life to God before going to meet Him.

BFine · Oct 15, 2012

I really think you dad's doctor needs to be aware of his situation-- too
much stress, emotional and verbal abuse isn't good for his heart nor
their marriage.

Keep an eye on things-- if you notice either one of them is further
deteriorating do not hesitate to seek guardianship and or legal counsel/medical
counsel etc. to protect your parents from further harming themselves.

KashiaJN142627 · Oct 15, 2012

I can offer these words...if your mother has not, it may be good for her to have a physical. What you describe could be early Alzheimer's, or something else.
Yes, I have seen Alzheimer's patients where the dis-ease exasperated tendencies already there...so it can be confusing to those close to the person. But either way, if she is agreeable, a check up may reveal.
In my prayers~ and a hug

Ronald · Oct 15, 2012

To SurvivorGirl,
I've known critical people who call themselves Christians and are sooo judgmental. This is a lack of humility, thinking they are better than everyone else. By their fruit you will know them: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."Gal. 5:22, 23
Does she demonstrate any of these godly qualities that the Holy Spirit grows in us? Give this verse to her and ask which of these do you demonstrate when you criticize Dad?
The Proverbs 31 woman is something you should convict her of failing at. In summary it says: An excellent wife has her husbands trust and respect; she does him good, not evil (ranking and cutting him down); she's generous, provides for her household's needs; is frugal and not lazy; helps the poor; is her husband's glory; smiles at the future, opens her mouth in wisdom; teaches kindness; her husband praises her and her children rise up and bless her.
Again by their fruit, you will know them. Not everyone that goes to church is saved -- she needs a lesson in humility.

joey_downunder · Oct 15, 2012

spawnofthefather said:
But the branding isn't for vengeance, or revenge. it's a reminder that God wouldn't want you abusing anyone.

Arise, O LORD; O God, lift up your hand;
forget not the afflicted.
Why does the wicked renounce God
and say in his heart, You will not call to account?
But you do see, for you note mischief and vexation,
that you may take it into your hands;
to you the helpless commits himself;
you have been the helper of the fatherless.
Break the arm of the wicked and evildoer;
call his wickedness to account till you find none. (Psalm 10:12-15)

joey_downunder · Oct 15, 2012

spawnofthefather said:
lol will you talk in english and not bible verses? they can be a tad bit confusing

It's edu-mah-cay-sha-nall for ya trolls.

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
(Hebrews 4:12-13)

mmksparbud · Oct 15, 2012

Sounds like the dr that needs to be contacted is hers! The medication can be amplyfying her negative tendencies. She may also be clinically depressed, it can show itself in anger, as can the fear of dieing. She is desperately trying to control anything and everything she can as she has no control over her illness and impending death.
And the best thing to do with any troll is ignore them, they hate that, just learned it myself after falling for the stunt of one.
Best weapon for you and your dad is prayer, best action, talk to her dr, best help for her is to give her something she can control (that isn't alive!) and understand that she is very freightened. Obviously, she is not seeing herself with the eyes of God's love (which reflects our own sins so we can repent)---The more love you show her, inspite of her actions, the more likely she will see where she is wrong---or the more guilty she'll feel and the more angry she will then get!!---Sometimes, you can't win no matter what you do!

Both you and your dad need to understand that each of us is accountable to God for our own lives. No matter what she does, the only thing you can control is yourselves, so get closer to God--if you stray from Him because of her actions, in the end, you will not be able to use that as an excuse before God for leaving Him. Satan loves to break up families, don't let him get to you and your dad, draw closer to God and each other.

CounselorForChrist · Oct 15, 2012

Wow as I read this I realized it 100% exactly like my parents relationship. My dad doesn't say anything and almost looks as if he doesn't care anymore and wants to die. My mom just emotionally abuses him along with physically sometimes. Shes even done it to me. >.<

I've tried everything from asking her to see a counselor or even telling her to stop comparing herself to her dad and compare herself to Christ. But it just makes her more rage filled. At this point I have given up telling her anything to get help. Now I just pray God works on her heart. In the meantime I look forward to my wedding and know that if she continues this path, I will have to move out with my soon to be wife because I don't want my wife getting hurt.

SurvivorGirl · Oct 16, 2012

Thanks for the thoughtful responses, everyone. (Totally ignoring the troll!) I'm sure her illness is ramping up what has already been there. She has always had a spirit of judgment - always. She was hateful to her own mom, my grandmother, and I remember as a kid watching her make my grandma cry. One thing my dad said to me recently gave me pause: "I wish your mother's Bible study friends knew who she really is!" I think, underneath it all, she is very insecure and has not allowed God's love to penetrate her life. This is probably a catalyst for her trying to control everyone and everything, and add a serious illness to the mix, then you have a recipe for a very unhappy life.

Because of her ramped up OCD, shopping addiction, and overall unpleasant disposition, I'm thinking her doctor needs more info regarding her behavior. I'll speak with my dad about this.

Thanks again for caring, everyone.

JCFantasy23 · Oct 18, 2012

MOD HAT ON

Did a small cleanup to remove troll posts and responses that quote it.

MOD HAT OFF

parsley · Oct 18, 2012

I wonder if my mom is in the early stages of Alzheimer's

That was my first thought, even when I saw the thread title. Is there a way you can speak with her doctor, or confide in her about what's going on? People do see it in themselves while they are still coherent and functional.

The meds are amazing these days -- they knock out most of the abrasiveness. So you could be doing everyone a favor to get the ball rolling as early as possible.

She is at a pivot point where what she says isn't necessarily what she feels -- her brain is repeating instead of analyzing. Only a few people will see it for what it is, so she might drive away friends when she needs them the most. If she says one thing like "I forgot my keys," use that as an opportunity to say, "have you thought of talking with your doctor about managing memory issues?"

Make sure you're not accusing her, but trying to work with her for what she fears most. Bc she probably revered her sharp mind, and that was what she thought would keep her going.

My mom is emotionally & spiritually abusing my dad - advice?

Newbie

Honest. Maybe too Honest.

Junior Member

Newbie

Junior Member

Senior Veteran

Seed Planter

Newbie

Newbie

The Lord is my Refuge

Seed Planter

Junior Member

Exhortations

big sister

big sister

Well-Known Member

Senior Veteran

Newbie

In a Kingdom by the Sea.

.

Similar threads