Just turned 30 and am having a hard time dealing with all the expectations

enelya_taralom · Jul 4, 2012

Hey all,

So I'm now 30.

I was dreading this birthday for a long time. Truth be told, I'm so far behind in life... I've been an undergraduate student for 7 years, and because school is where I spend most of my time, most of my friends are 22 years of age, or around that. I'm not married and most of my friends my own age are, so it's hard to form close friendships with them when they are less available to head out for a drive, picnic, hit a movie etc. Most people assume I'm 22 years old anyway. I'm active in socities in school but often feel bad / awkward about it because I feel like someone who is 30 shouldn't be President of the Undergraduate History Society... that should be for the 22 year olds who are of the expected age. I feel like I'm living a lie because at 30 I should just go to my classes and shouldn't be making friends with the 18-22 year olds... in fact I shouldn't really be in school. I should have the money and the career and the house...

There are so many "shoulds" that come along with 30.

I've also never really dated, my longest relationship just happened and it only lasted 3 weeks and it was with a guy 11 years younger than me.

And even here in this forum we see the attitude of the shoulds. I saw a post in the thread where a young guy in his 20s is looking for older women, and one response was all about if someone at 30 is single, they're not marriage material...

I have to kind of agree. I have depression and I don't have the emotional regulation I should. I just never had the normal experiences... I never was a full-time student, going to college at 18. I was never dating in my 20s.. I was never asked out, and was rejected everytime I asked. So much of my life is a failure and everywhere I go I'm reminded of how weird I am.

I've been in counselling and on depression meds, but nothing has ever really been that helpful.

I just don't know what to do.

Is anyone else in my shoes?

I feel like an 18 year old stuck in a 30 year old body with all the expectations that come alone with that 30 years...

walkingxshadow · Jul 4, 2012

I may only be 22 but I can relate. There are certain miles a 22 year is expected to have passed or gone through:

A first kiss
Moving out
Getting a job
Being in a serious relation.

All those things are often assumed of a 22 year old. But I've also never dated. Still live at home. And work part time at a super market. All my friends are moving on with life. Getting married. Getting a job. Starting grad school. And while I will have 3 degrees in five years as an undergrad I don't really see where its all leading. Its tough. I know to have at one point to know who you are and to then wake up one day with no idea. I get it. Do I know what to do about it? No. But you aren't alone.

GeorgiaGuyinAtlanta · Jul 4, 2012

walkingxshadow said:
I may only be 22 but I can relate. There are certain miles a 22 year is expected to have passed or gone through:

A first kiss
Moving out
Getting a job
Being in a serious relation.

All those things are often assumed of a 22 year old. But I've also never dated. Still live at home. And work part time at a super market. All my friends are moving on with life. Getting married. Getting a job. Starting grad school. And while I will have 3 degrees in five years as an undergrad I don't really see where its all leading. Its tough. I know to have at one point to know who you are and to then wake up one day with no idea. I get it. Do I know what to do about it? No. But you aren't alone.

I can relate. I graduated from college at 22, but given the nature of the field I was in, I couldn't find work. I did service jobs four around four years or so before going back to college to earn a degree in a field that had many jobs.

Throughout most of my 20s, it was a case of moving out and coming back home, based upon my economic situation and going to school.

I will say this, however. You shouldn't worry yourself about what you're going through. Today's economy is vastly different than it was even in the 70s. Many well-paying, low-skilled jobs are no longer available, and it takes years to earn the degree in many cases that will land you a higher-skilled job.

Many older individuals often like to chalk up this so-called "extended adolescence period" to immaturity, when in reality, it is far more complicated and not usually something most 20-somethings choose. I know that it wasn't of my choosing. However, God made a way, and he molded me during that period.

I didn't get married until I was almost thirty, so don't fret. One of those degrees will likely pan out, if there is a market for employment. Let's hope that's the case. However, given today's economy, we seem to be at a stagnant point, so hopefully that'll change.

GeorgiaGuyinAtlanta · Jul 4, 2012

I'm sorry to hear that you seem to be going through a hard time. I was the individual who made the comment about women in their thirties and never married. Note that I did say "most". Of course, there is going to be some gems in the batch.

I hope that my comment didn't make you feel bad, as it didn't apply to every person not married. After all, God has His own timing.

That said, I can certainly understand you feeling out of place, but you shouldn't lose heart. You're in a place right now where you are getting an education and hopefully a marketable skill. It seems that you're heading in the right direction.

Regarding your depression, that is probably something that you should get under control. Depression has been known to not only effect the person suffering from it, but loved ones, as it cripples the way a loved one can normally interact and relate to a person suffering with it. God can heal you of that, so trust Him.

enelya_taralom · Jul 4, 2012

GeorgiaGuy: Awe, it was a whole combination of things. As mentioned in my OP, my first "relationship" just finished and I've been having a hard time with that. I waited so long for my first to come along, and when it did it barely qualified as a relationship because it was so short. It's also been confusing because we were friends for so long before that I felt we were being careful and smart, and apparently not. And I was struggling with how much of what happened was me being emotionally unregulated. The more I got opinions on it, the more people did seem to confirm my fear that it is me who was / is being immature and a bigger part of the problem. And again, as also mentioned the guy was 11 years younger, so that was hard enough to try and deal with, and it's been even harder to hear people think that an 18 year old managed things better than I did. I just keep on thinking where is my 11 extra years of life experience? Again it's about the shoulds... I should be more mature than an 18 year old, but most seem to think that in this situation I am not. And that got me thinking about how most of my friends are significantly younger, and from that it all just spiraled. I have depression so one trigger often fires another one, and well just so much of what I was coming across confirmed all of my fears. It got overwhelming and I gave in... I tend to loose myself very easily.

GeorgiaGuyinAtlanta · Jul 5, 2012

enelya_taralom said:
GeorgiaGuy: Awe, it was a whole combination of things. As mentioned in my OP, my first "relationship" just finished and I've been having a hard time with that. I waited so long for my first to come along, and when it did it barely qualified as a relationship because it was so short. It's also been confusing because we were friends for so long before that I felt we were being careful and smart, and apparently not. And I was struggling with how much of what happened was me being emotionally unregulated. The more I got opinions on it, the more people did seem to confirm my fear that it is me who was / is being immature and a bigger part of the problem. And again, as also mentioned the guy was 11 years younger, so that was hard enough to try and deal with, and it's been even harder to hear people think that an 18 year old managed things better than I did. I just keep on thinking where is my 11 extra years of life experience? Again it's about the shoulds... I should be more mature than an 18 year old, but most seem to think that in this situation I am not. And that got me thinking about how most of my friends are significantly younger, and from that it all just spiraled. I have depression so one trigger often fires another one, and well just so much of what I was coming across confirmed all of my fears. It got overwhelming and I gave in... I tend to loose myself very easily.

Have you been diagnosed with depression, or with some type of personality disorder? If so, there are things that you can do to regulate your emotions.

For one, regular exercise is said to help a lot. It releases endorphins which makes a person feel better. Not only that, it helps mold and shape the body, and it's also good for you.

For some people, losing weight helps their self image. I'm unaware of your level of fitness, so don't take this the wrong way. The best way to lose weight is to eat low calorie foods. One shouldn't do Atkins, for it is unnatural.

As you've said, others feel that your depression is likely the cause of problems, you have to seek the Lord and ask Him to work in you so that you can be healed.

One thing I've noticed over the years is that people who are depressed or who have disorders don't react the same to normal situations that someone without these problems would act. For one, things are often at a more intense level. What might simply cause disappointment in someone without a supposed problem causes extreme grief in someone with depression. These individuals also tend to misinterpet comments from other people and the intent behind such comments. They often take them personally when they were never meant to be. These reactions can strain relationships.

As you yourself have stated, your place in life is being acted upon by your depressed state, in a way that it sort of snow-balls on itself and is made worse.

Therefore, the best thing to do is trust God that He is leading you in the right direction. You also have to ask God for healing of your depression.

I'd also reccommend regular exercise and healthy eating.

There's also behavioral therapy, if you're dealing with an extreme place.

I don't reccommend depression drugs, as they often make the person dependent on them for a long time, and they can have withdrawal side effects.

anewday · Jul 27, 2012

I had a hard time turning 30 as well :hug:

. Try not to focus on the shoulds. I know its hard. I also deal with depression. I've dealt with it half my life, but it didn't get bad until a few years ago. Focus on what you are doing with you life :clap:

. You're going to school, which is something not everyone can do. You have friends, even if they are younger than you. Many people don't have friends at all. My friends are younger and older than me. And now you can say you've been in your first relationship. Yeah it didn't last long, but it was a relationship. Again, not everyone can say all this about themselves

. You are going to school and dealing with depression? That says alot about you. It takes a very strong person to be able to do both. I've been told that the past few years since I've done both myself. It wasn't easy either :doh:

. You are in my thoughts and prayers :pray:

.

mina · Jul 27, 2012

I also had a hard time turning 30. But, it turned out to be one of the best years of my life and led to truly lasting wonderfulness. Hang in there; take care of yourself and your health, take each day as it comes and don't get hung up on thinking of what should have been. Think of what is yet to be.

IamStefanie · Jul 27, 2012

I am 29. I have a friend who will be 30 in a little under 4 months. And she is feeling the way you do OP. She, too, has been an undergrad for some time. But she has been working to obtain her first bachelor's degree for 12 years! She had to pause for various reasons, but it has been a struggle. She has no children, not married, all of that. Her social life is minimal. So, to answer your question, you are not the only one. But her faith in God and knowing the plans He has for her life is what keeps her going...she knows she can't stop now.

enelya_taralom · Jul 28, 2012

Thanks all!! I definitely feel encouraged!

:hug:

Unix · Aug 5, 2012

I wish I had friends to discuss theology with! I have almost no friends anyway, just 1. I don't want to be less specific and accept a new friend who knows nothing about theology.
There's several threads where I seek friends from Sweden, Finland and the UK:
http://www.christianforums.com/t7636186/
http://www.christianforums.com/t7663680/
http://www.christianforums.com/t7614200/

I don't think You should feel awkward about Your friends being younger than You!

I'm not highly educated, but I'm intelligent. People rarely realize that I know things in areas I'm good at - I sense that's a problem when I communicate with people of my own age, I suspect that they think they are much brighter than me, and some of them are.

I'm going to study Bible Greek in Uni. But first I have to finish high-school, so I'm going to read Maths, English, Latin and Ethics first in a Catholic school, that'll take 1 year. I still don't know are the studies going to start in August 2012 or January 2013, because I applied too late and I get in now only if enough applicants decide not to start (I applied too late because when I applied to a Bible college in April 2012 I was sure I would get in so I didn't have a plan B, then I got a written answer that I was over-qualified).

I don't have a house, but I have a good apartment.

I have been in relationships, but don't envy me! My first relationship was the worst and just cost me a lot of time which I would have used to better things. She wasn't Christian, and during that time I read a book (which I borrowed from the library) in Philosophy published by Blackwell, which questioned God, and became an Atheist. Nowadays she's just pretending to be a Christian, she confessed to me that she started to go to Church just pretending. The other 2 relationships have been with Christian girls.

anewday said:
You have friends, even if they are younger than you.

Kol · Aug 7, 2012

Another guy in his 30s who's been in college for 6+ years now, checking in.

Luther073082 · Aug 9, 2012

Why are the two of you still in college?? Have you just switched your major too many times or what?

I don't want to come off as better then you all, I certainly don't have my dream job by far. But there needs to be a reason why you havn't finished college yet and that reason honestly needs to stop.

And it's not because society says it should end or anything, but because you are holding yourself back by staying in college for too long.

Are you getting loans for all of this? Because I went to college for 4 and a half years, and I'll tell you, it's rough paying those back, I have no idea how I would have paid the loans back if I had stayed until I was 30.

Of course I started college at 18 so if I had stayed til I was 30, I would have been in college for 12 years. So there is a slight difference there.

aloou · Aug 18, 2012

enelya_taralom said:
Hey all,

There are so many "shoulds" that come along with 30.

I struggle here too. Lots of expectations and should's in your 30's. I struggle in having identity in Christ alone. I want my identity in how much money i make, what kind of house I have, where I vacation, how much school I've completed, what kind of job I have, how much I can accomplish. Head knowledge tells me this is wrong thinking but in my heart I struggle in allowing Christ to be enough. It sounds like you have a lot of the should's and expectations put on yourself. I do this too. I have high expectations and standards put on myself and it is exhausting and can easily lead to depression. Do you struggle with perfectionism too?

bsd31 · Aug 27, 2012

I guess I don't understand why turning 30 is even a memorable experience for anyone let alone a "big deal" that it seems to be for the OP. For me it was about as exciting as turning 9, or 12, or 18, or 21, or 26, or... Point being you'll look back at turning 30 when you turn 33 (or any other age) and realize it was pretty much meaningless in the big scheme of things.

At the age of 30 if you feel you are filling roles that belong to a younger generation then step out of them and let someone else fill those roles.

Holygeneral79 · Oct 7, 2012

Hey don't feel so bad.. I'm 33 and back in school to finally get that degree I abandoned 13 years ago (I'm lucky my school still retained my credits). Everyone is just so freshly young and I haven't seen anyone who looks over 25 yet, haha. There's this one guy who is definitely over 50 years old, but he's probably in a stage in his life where he already accomplished all those things such as buying a house, having kids, done this, done that and yadi yadi yada.. so he's probably back in school to get that diploma he never got, but he's not really getting it to try to start a new career or something; you know, like us at 30+ are trying to do. Next semester though, I'm going to take only night classes, I have a feeling I'll be seeing more older people in there.

CounselorForChrist · Oct 8, 2012

Being disabled God have me wisdom my whole life, but outside of that it doesn't help the fact I can't work, live at home...etc. What we "should" be at 30 is different then how we end up. And in todays economy in America its hard to be like you "should" at 30.

However I found 30 to be a major turning point. As an adult and as a christian. Looking back I realized I've matured alot both literally and spiritually. Which makes me happy. Now I know what I truly want in life. Where as at 18-29 I seemed more lost like I wasn't sure what to do in life, what to focus on. As I've said in other posts I think most people mature at 25-30. Its when we realize what we want in life and we tend to stick with it.

My best advice. Don't worry about what every says you should be. You are you! Enjoy being you. God always has plans for you, even if you don't feel like your going anywhere he still is planning things for you.

Unix · Oct 8, 2012

I think a 24-year-old is an adult, but it takes some more years before people mature! IMO.

xfreakazoidx said:
As I've said in other posts I think most people mature at 25-30. Its when we realize what we want in life and we tend to stick with it.

Ezeretane · Oct 8, 2012

Unix said:
I think a 24-year-old is an adult, but it takes some more years before people mature! IMO.

You have a strange way of asking for friendship UNIX (i read your previous posts), i' m french and living in france so i think i'm not elligible

, i'm supposed to be clever but that depends on the person i talk to lol

i refuse to accept society pressure by turning 30'
i'm also still in university but i've never quit (i'm working at the same time) :just long too long studies and i'm just fed up of it ... but hey! it's almost finished
but then here come the exams' pressure, distress and the fear of failing
i'm not settle yet when all my friends are in longtime relationships , buying flats and having kids : which is very strange as i'm the only christian in the group ( some could say i'm supposed to do better ...)
there's so much we are supposed to achieve...well not so much are happy achieving it

eople make you feel bad because you don't follow the Agenda but it doesn't seem to be the better way ,just the most popular one

well in the end, everything is a matter of point of view and finding out how to take advantage of a "not very good situation" : i'm working too much, too many responsabilities and hard decisions and yet i'd like to be around people doing different things than me so i don't hang out with my collegues: my choice (i'm sure i wouldn't be single if i had spent more time with them but i know what i want and why

)
the aim is to do the right thing and for that it's better to be christian , i think

Unix · Oct 9, 2012

I'm grateful for the help I get in finding a friend: http://www.christianforums.com/t7663798-post61406470/#post61406470

Ezeretane said:
You have a strange way of asking for friendship UNIX (i read your previous posts),

Just turned 30 and am having a hard time dealing with all the expectations

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