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my dog died today. i can't stop crying.

Jer

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was that long thing that i wrote ridiculously long and crazy sounding?

Yes, ;) Sorry - I found it insightful, but I also know in what way it was written, and I think sometimes all we can do is laugh at ourselves! There was many good points in it, and I agree with it. I hope it's ok to say - I don't mean to make light of your loss at all. I'm also really pleased to see you posting, I had been thinking about you quite often recently, and wondering if you were ok. Sorry if I am sounding stupid, I am running on not enough sleep, and can feel it affecting me a bit, so hope I am not saying anything stupid or stuff like that.
 
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Jer

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Jer , I thank you have the wrong person . I am the one that responed to the post not the one that started it . And yes you need some sleep .LOL . If you did mean me I am sorry and yes I am doing fine .

It was meaning post #13 that was written by schrodingers_cat_lives that I was meaning, when she asked if it seemed crazy. I wasn't trying to make light of any of the stuff talked about here, as I know it is very difficult.

I was just meaning with her post that it was very long, and had lots of different stuff. So much of it was right. But it was making light of the way we sometimes think - I remember writing 14 sides of A4 paper once, with just every little thought pouring out and being written down. It's not they're wrong, but we have to find stuff to smile about in all of the bad stuff, and so sometimes I laugh at myself when I see what I have done. So was just thinking the same for her. I guess I wrote it badly though, and I hope I haven't made anything worse or hurt anyone.
 
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Loven God

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No hurt here , everything is fine , we all just feel thing diffrent and need to let them have thier time to get it out thats all . But I do try to laugh at my self alot . Life is to short to walk around wondering what other people think . It took me a long time to get there at first it hurt my feelings if someone made fun of me becouse of something I did out of being bipolar , not no more . I can now laugh at myself . I now have come to the point of where bipolar does not have to ruin my life . But just remember not everone is there and if they need to make a long post to help them through what ever it is then let them do it . God loves us all where we are at at the time .
 
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lol....it's fine. i'm fine. I really don't feel hurt of offended by anything you said. No need to be be careful or walk on eggshells with me. I wasn't really apologizing for it, guess i just wanted feed back and didn't think it was "feed-backable" since sooooo much was said. Guess i wanted an objective eye since my rose colored glasses are on.

What i wrote was coherent, but it was very long and tangent-like. I have a lot to get out, so i get it out here, but i have couple things against me...I'm an artist with a need to express, I'm Cuban and we cubans looooove to talk about ourselves ....lol...even when we're not bipolar, my background training is in literature/writing, philosophy and critical thinking.....so put those things together with those so called "enlightened" super powers we get from hypo mania or mania (don't even know where the line is anymore) and you get those writing-bombs of mine. ha ha

Actually it was a great exercise in working out my anxiety. That morning i woke up very low and about to go in one direction-- (mixed state i think is where i really am)-- and it felt that by turning to working out that whole thing in my head which led to a sort of peace with God, i found a way to cope ....... it was as though that writing was a prayer to god and like a lawyer in a courtroom i took up my case and i sort of "prayed out" my sadness, angst and frustration via the written word. In essence, the manic part of me worked like a fuel to channel out that stuff and direct it towards the throne of God instead of where it wanted to go...inward--- bloating me like a festering raisin. <---(that is a ref. to the poem: a raisin in the sun). See, I wrote sooooo many term papers for lit, philo. and theology classes, so that's the way i already roll naturally even w/out the BP and i forget that not everyone will connect the dots to my lit. or metaphoric references. I wish we had "like" buttons here like they do on facebook. With one click we'd be able to let each other know it's fine without the encumbrance of words. ....sigh...but words and me are such inseperable friends...there's no escaping the tower of babel. ;)

but one important thing i learned about myself this week and my intense need to be clearly understood and heard has a lot to do with the "silence" of my family. The way we could have this huuuuge fight and then the next day talk as if nothing happened....never resolving the growing elephant in the room. It's how my mother is. She is an avoider....lets everything mount up then explodes daggers and craziness, then thinks the best way to resolve it is by forgetting it never happened and pretending nothing was ever said. She thinks by trying to work it thru with communication will only escalate the conflict. Not sure what she really thinks...i can only observe and speculate. But it's how she taught our family dynamic to operate which is why i ran in the opposite direction and hate nothing more than not being thoroughly clear....being misunderstood is something big for me because she is always making assumptions and misunderstands and takes everything anyone says or does the "wrong" way. So i guess, my writing is my own private therapist i don't have to pay. LOL :)
 
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puppii

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I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. I know I love my dog and I might have to have him put to sleep. He's a three year old Pit Bull and he attacked a child the day before yesterday. He had his muzzle on so no one got hurt but it really scared us all. She went up to him and he just attacked I saw it out of the corner of my eye and I don't know if she startled him out of sleep or what happened. I'm going to put a post about it in the prayer section.

If I have to put him to sleep I will feel like God is punishing me for everything I've ever done wrong. I love him so much and have had him since he was born. He was the runt and the cutest littlest thing.

I know it's hard you're in my prayers.
 
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Loven God

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I do not think God would be punishing you for every thing you ever did worng . some times things just happen and this sounds like one of thoes things . Our pastor's dog started biting people and they had to have it put down and I am sue it was not becouse he was being punished . Dogs as much as we love them are still dogs and they have certain animal instincts that cause them to do some of the things they do , but please don't think God is punishing you .

We have had to have two dogs put down they were like our children so I know the hurt . I will be praying for you .
 
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i am starting to crash.... crash hard.
I don't know how much more of this i could take. just came out of euphoric manic high and litterally over night, went the other direction.... only been like this for a few days, but it feels like 10 yrs. Stayed up late searching for god..... asking him to be the bridge over these troubled waters..... just to feel him say: "i'm on your side" is worth more than gold. i feel so lost and shipwrecked....can't even express myself. please pray for me. i don't want to end up in hospital. sick of doctors and the mental health field in general...i need hope, but i can't see it.... all i see is a darkness.... johnny cash sung about this struggle. i ask that he please remember me and my misery and how it stole so much from me. That dreams will come again.... in places called 'lost and found".... that we will all be unbeaten and realize what should have been, but never was. May this race be not only for the swift.
 
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puppii

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i am starting to crash.... crash hard.
I don't know how much more of this i could take. just came out of euphoric manic high and litterally over night, went the other direction.... only been like this for a few days, but it feels like 10 yrs. Stayed up late searching for god..... asking him to be the bridge over these troubled waters..... just to feel him say: "i'm on your side" is worth more than gold. i feel so lost and shipwrecked....can't even express myself. please pray for me. i don't want to end up in hospital. sick of doctors and the mental health field in general...i need hope, but i can't see it.... all i see is a darkness.... johnny cash sung about this struggle. i ask that he please remember me and my misery and how it stole so much from me. That dreams will come again.... in places called 'lost and found".... that we will all be unbeaten and realize what should have been, but never was. May this race be not only for the swift.

Praying for you :prayer:
 
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Jeshu

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i am starting to crash.... crash hard.
I don't know how much more of this i could take. just came out of euphoric manic high and litterally over night, went the other direction.... only been like this for a few days, but it feels like 10 yrs. Stayed up late searching for god..... asking him to be the bridge over these troubled waters..... just to feel him say: "i'm on your side" is worth more than gold. i feel so lost and shipwrecked....can't even express myself. please pray for me. i don't want to end up in hospital. sick of doctors and the mental health field in general...i need hope, but i can't see it.... all i see is a darkness.... johnny cash sung about this struggle. i ask that he please remember me and my misery and how it stole so much from me. That dreams will come again.... in places called 'lost and found".... that we will all be unbeaten and realize what should have been, but never was. May this race be not only for the swift.

I'm sorry to hear you are hurting so bad. Hold onto God no matter what only with Him can we survive the roller-coaster ride Bi-polar brings us.

:prayer:
 
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Loven God

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Sorry to hear that you are in the dark place that you are in now , I know that this may not help now but try to memember that it will not last forever . There is light at the other end . Try to stay close to God even if all you can do is say His name , God knows what is in your heart and even if you can't say it He still hears it . Hang on my friend and I will be praying that this will end .
 
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