Living with Non-Christian boyfriend. In need of HELP!!

Mochi · Apr 28, 2012

I need some godly and wise advice on this subject, and thought this would be a great place to start. A lot of the advice I am getting in the Christian community has been extremely vague and not very helpful.

I'm currently a new Christian who has been dating a non-Christian for 4 and a half years. We started our relationship when we were both non-Christians in college. We have helped each other throughout college, and developed a really awesome friendship.
I moved in with him three months after we started the relationship, having sex like it was no big deal. My relationship with him, while good, lacked something deeper that I tried to feel with physical closeness. I didn't know it then, but once I had a worldview change it all came together...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

During these past four years I opened a lot of doors that probably should have stayed closed. First of course, was the sexual sin, our relationship seemed to revolve around it to the point where I would get frustrated because the only things we would do together were sexual. Secondly, his brother was a drug dealer before I met him (and my boyfriend would help deal his wares at times) so I was surrounded by lots of free illegal drugs and started to party, drink, and use drugs. THey put me in a really bad head space, and I regret my choice to experiment with them. Thirdly, since I was taking lots of mind altering drugs, I was also getting into witchcraft and the occult. The spirit world I saw during my drug use was extremely enticing to me. I became saved around the time where I wanted to initiate myself into solitary witchcraft.

I'm not going to tell my conversion story, but I will say that it challenged my occultism, my partying/substance abuse, and my sexuality. Long story short, God reached into my life and changed me into a new person with new desires.

So now I'm a new Christian, figuring out how to do life. I'm part of a church, a small group, and am building relationships with mature Christians. But... I have a non-Christian boyfriend...who I'm living with. He's been extremely positive about my Christian life. SInce I changed, we have gotten rid of all the drugs(and drug paraphernalia), slowed down partying (we will go out with friends for a drink every once in a while), and have completely stopped having sex.
He has expressed interest in Christianity because i have, and I recently bought him a bible and have prayed that God work in his life.

The sad thing is, I never know if he will ever become a Christian, and I am not going to sin by marrying a non-Christian. We haven't talked about our sex life, I think it's just an unspoken thing (I guess he assumes that Christians don't have pre-marital sex, which is correct in my case). It's now been 5 months since our last sexual encounter. We're living like a married couple aside from a lack of spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy. We are buddies. But he's still me best friend who I love dearly.

But I have recently been convicted that I can't let fear make me put my boyfriend before God. I need to open up communication, I need to make a move...but I don't know what to say or what to do. I am paralyzed by fear of conflict in my life. Our lives are so connected and intertwined I cannot comprehend a life apart from him.

HELP!!!

K9_Trainer · Apr 28, 2012

To be honest, if you aren't feeling much of a connection with him at all, and have felt for a while that it's lacking something, then it sounds like the relationship has fizzled out and it has absolutely nothing to do with your conversion. I'm an agnostic dating an agnostic, and we definitely have all the above mentioned connections, spiritual, emotional, physical, mental...It has nothing to do with faith. That "something" was there from the first conversation we had. If I were to convert to a specific religion, none of those connections would magically disappear.

Yes, it's going to be hard to untwine your life from his because you've been together for so long and have bonded. But you CAN do it, just one step at a time, and the first step is talking to him.

Partiasn · Apr 29, 2012

Mochi said:
I need some godly and wise advice on this subject, and thought this would be a great place to start. A lot of the advice I am getting in the Christian community has been extremely vague and not very helpful.

That is typical of some of the churches of today who have no real leadership or guidance.

Mochi said:
I'm currently a new Christian who has been dating a non-Christian for 4 and a half years. We started our relationship when we were both non-Christians in college. We have helped each other throughout college, and developed a really awesome friendship.
I moved in with him three months after we started the relationship, having sex like it was no big deal. My relationship with him, while good, lacked something deeper that I tried to feel with physical closeness. I didn't know it then, but once I had a worldview change it all came together...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

During these past four years I opened a lot of doors that probably should have stayed closed. First of course, was the sexual sin, our relationship seemed to revolve around it to the point where I would get frustrated because the only things we would do together were sexual. Secondly, his brother was a drug dealer before I met him (and my boyfriend would help deal his wares at times) so I was surrounded by lots of free illegal drugs and started to party, drink, and use drugs. THey put me in a really bad head space, and I regret my choice to experiment with them. Thirdly, since I was taking lots of mind altering drugs,
I'm not going to tell my conversion story, but I will say that it challenged my occultism, my partying/substance abuse, and my sexuality. Long story short, God reached into my life and changed me into a new person with new desires.

So now I'm a new Christian, figuring out how to do life. I'm part of a church, a small group, and am building relationships with mature Christians. But... I have a non-Christian boyfriend...who I'm living with. He's been extremely positive about my Christian life. SInce I changed, we have gotten rid of all the drugs(and drug paraphernalia), slowed down partying (we will go out with friends for a drink every once in a while), and have completely stopped having sex.
He has expressed interest in Christianity because i have, and I recently bought him a bible and have prayed that God work in his life.

The sad thing is, I never know if he will ever become a Christian, and I am not going to sin by marrying a non-Christian. We haven't talked about our sex life, I think it's just an unspoken thing (I guess he assumes that Christians don't have pre-marital sex, which is correct in my case). It's now been 5 months since our last sexual encounter. We're living like a married couple aside from a lack of spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy. We are buddies. But he's still me best friend who I love dearly.

Mochi said:
But I have recently been convicted that I can't let fear make me put my boyfriend before God. I need to open up communication, I need to make a move...but I don't know what to say or what to do. I am paralyzed by fear of conflict in my life. Our lives are so connected and intertwined I cannot comprehend a life apart from him.

HELP!!!

Well I have to say that is a difficult situation for sure.

But here is the thing, people are not converted by dogma and religion they are converted by love.

So that should be your starting place, not dogma such as "Premarital Sex"

Second of all Personally I would not pay too much attention to some of societies definitions of "Marriage" because most of that stuff is BS and could be more classified as prostitution and not marriage anyway.

Most men in western societies DO NOT want to burden themselves to a government even for the best woman. So women in these societies will find that most of the time the majority of men WILL NOT marry them.

Once you understand the situation and rectify it with scripture and dump the nonsense, then you will be ok.

Mochi said:
I was also getting into witchcraft and the occult. The spirit world I saw during my drug use was extremely enticing to me. I became saved around the time where I wanted to initiate myself into solitary witchcraft.

A assume you are talking wicca or some other reconstruction of paganism?

All this stuff is more or less nonsense, so why would you do it?

I can see some credibility if you are of some Germanic or Scandinavian decent and want to find out about certain religions that were practised in the past. But I think I would leave it at scientific interest and nothing more.

Mochi · Apr 29, 2012

Partisan-

I don't quite understand what you are saying? I find that I was converted because of the love of Christ, but I also believe that the bible is God breathed and profitable. Because of what Jesus did for me, I want to love and respect him as my savior by trying to flee from sin. Having sex outside of the traditional marriage covenant (one man, one woman, one lifetime) is committing a sin against God. To be clear, I'm abstaining from intercourse not because it's church dogma, but because I had a heart change.

I was going to initiate myself into solitary witchcraft based on a form of wicca-inspired neo-paganism. I am no longer interested in witchcraft and the occult. I was following that path because that's what all of my past experiences lead me to, but in the end I found that it was a door I did not want to open. I would add that witchcraft is becoming increasingly popular today, the law of attraction is a good example of basic witchcraft being practiced on a widespread level within American culture.

Thanks for your help!

Mochi · Apr 29, 2012

K9-
Thanks for your help. I find it difficult because we live, work and love each other well. He's extremely kind, generous and a gentlemen, and I really do love him deeply. The issue here is that our relationship worked well before because we both had similar world-views, since my conversion, my world-view has done a 180 and I might just be feeling the fallout from that.
Before my faith did not change who I was, but now it has changed me at a deep-down level...it's difficult to have a partner who does not understand what drives your actions and your desires. :/ I don't know if that makes sense.

citizenthom · Apr 29, 2012

Mochi:

Whether there is a future to this relationship or not, you need to move out. If either 1.) your relationship has stalled, or 2.) your boyfriend never becomes a Christian, or both, moving out is simply the correct and only step to take away sexual temptation for both of you and to move on amicably.

But there is an even worse danger. If your boyfriend is on his way to Christianity, and your relationship continues, you are developing some pretty bad habits by living together like this--namely being in a sexless relationship, which is the exact opposite of what the Bible envisions for married couples. You need to live apart and focus on developing spiritually and evaluating each other as partners in a Biblical way. Then if marriage is in the cards down the road, you will be able to approach it fresh and put your pre-marital, pre-Christian lives behind you.

Partiasn · Apr 29, 2012

Mochi said:
Partisan-

I don't quite understand what you are saying? I find that I was converted because of the love of Christ, but I also believe that the bible is God breathed and profitable. Because of what Jesus did for me, I want to love and respect him as my savior by trying to flee from sin.

Im not trying to tell you not to have Faith in Jesus as saviour.

What I am trying to tell you is getting you BF saved may not be an easy task. As far as sex goes, then it is probably best to be married. Although many men in western societies have real reason NOT to want marriage.

Another aspect is how do you expect to get that covenant in the modern world?

Most of the marriage contracts DO NOT conform to any real aspect of marriage from a biblical point of View.

Mochi said:
I was going to initiate myself into solitary witchcraft based on a form of wicca-inspired neo-paganism. I am no longer interested in witchcraft and the occult. I was following that path because that's what all of my past experiences lead me to, but in the end I found that it was a door I did not want to open. I would add that witchcraft is becoming increasingly popular today, the law of attraction is a good example of basic witchcraft being practiced on a widespread level within American culture.

Thanks for your help!

Honestly I have never had any experience in Paganism beyond studying a bit of Germanic History. Which last time Looked the Christians won that battle.

Generally Wicca is a "White Chick" thing anyway. Apparently they have some misconceptions as to what living in a Pagan Society was really like, or they get their history from Video Games.

K9_Trainer · Apr 29, 2012

Mochi said:
K9-
Thanks for your help. I find it difficult because we live, work and love each other well. He's extremely kind, generous and a gentlemen, and I really do love him deeply. The issue here is that our relationship worked well before because we both had similar world-views, since my conversion, my world-view has done a 180 and I might just be feeling the fallout from that.
Before my faith did not change who I was, but now it has changed me at a deep-down level...it's difficult to have a partner who does not understand what drives your actions and your desires. :/ I don't know if that makes sense.

Well my friend, then it sounds like you already know what you need to do.

My only suggestion is to be gentle. I'm a non-Christian myself and have some experiences in this area, being rejected by Christian boyfriends who claimed to love me because I either was not Christian enough, or in the second situation, realized that I really wasn't Christian at all and told him. You are probably right in that he doesn't understand. That's going to make the whole breaking up ordeal and untwining lives so much harder for him.

Mochi · Apr 29, 2012

citizenthom said:
Mochi:

Whether there is a future to this relationship or not, you need to move out. If either 1.) your relationship has stalled, or 2.) your boyfriend never becomes a Christian, or both, moving out is simply the correct and only step to take away sexual temptation for both of you and to move on amicably.

But there is an even worse danger. If your boyfriend is on his way to Christianity, and your relationship continues, you are developing some pretty bad habits by living together like this--namely being in a sexless relationship, which is the exact opposite of what the Bible envisions for married couples. You need to live apart and focus on developing spiritually and evaluating each other as partners in a Biblical way. Then if marriage is in the cards down the road, you will be able to approach it fresh and put your pre-marital, pre-Christian lives behind you.

Thank you thank you thank you so much for the advice. This makes lots of sense to me, especially about saving our future sex lives.

I have no idea how to bring up the subject or how to talk about it. Sadly, one thing we both lack in the relationship is good communication skills. We both share similar fears of conflict (both emotional conflict). We live with roommates, so I don't know if bringing it up in an apartment where we can be overheard is the best option. Where and how should I bring this up? What should I open with to break the ice and point out the elephant (or lack thereof) in the room?

My pastor recently said he wanted to meet with my boyfriend and I so he could answer any questions and give advice to us, do you think this would be a good step as well?

Mochi · Apr 29, 2012

Partiasn said:
Im not trying to tell you not to have Faith in Jesus as saviour.

What I am trying to tell you is getting you BF saved may not be an easy task. As far as sex goes, then it is probably best to be married. Although many men in western societies have real reason NOT to want marriage.

Another aspect is how do you expect to get that covenant in the modern world?

Most of the marriage contracts DO NOT conform to any real aspect of marriage from a biblical point of View.

Honestly I have never had any experience in Paganism beyond studying a bit of Germanic History. Which last time Looked the Christians won that battle.

Generally Wicca is a "White Chick" thing anyway. Apparently they have some misconceptions as to what living in a Pagan Society was really like, or they get their history from Video Games.

Oh got it! Sorry, I must have gotten confused at the wording, but I get what you are saying now. I definitely agree that because of the way our society is set up today that men really have a lot to loose in a marriage situation. It's really sad, and I hope that my marriage isn't affected by what society says.

I also agree that Wicca is a "white chick" thing, but then again, I wasn't really Wiccan. I wasn't initiated into a coven so I could never call myself a true Wiccan, though I was following a celtic sort of paganism because of my ancestry. My neo pagan faith was a mish mash of pantheism, dualism, mixed with magic and mythology. It really wasn't rooted in fact, but in feeling, and Christianity won out in the end for me.

Thanks again!

Mochi · Apr 29, 2012

K9_Trainer said:
Well my friend, then it sounds like you already know what you need to do.

My only suggestion is to be gentle. I'm a non-Christian myself and have some experiences in this area, being rejected by Christian boyfriends who claimed to love me because I either was not Christian enough, or in the second situation, realized that I really wasn't Christian at all and told him. You are probably right in that he doesn't understand. That's going to make the whole breaking up ordeal and untwining lives so much harder for him.

I really don't want to be the stupid girl who becomes a Christian and then dumps him because he doesn't share my faith. That just seems so...stupid? As someone who was a non-Christian for a very very long time it makes me want to punch myself in the throat.

Would you have any tips at least on how to open up conversation about our differences and our future? I think we need to come to a mutual agreement after going through all of the facts on our relationship, even if that means we have to go separate ways. We are both horrible at communication when it matters, so I need lots of help with this.

sypnyc90 · Apr 30, 2012

Hey. I applaud you on your walk with christ. The things you gave up are not easy and I honestly applaud you for it.
I came to Christ a little less then a year. And like you was in a relationship with an AMAZING girl who was and still is one of the nicest and sweetest persons I could have ever met. When I came to Christ... he changed my life and saved me... I owe him everything. He DIED FOR ME... I can't half ass my love for him you know. Which I know you do because of what you wrote.

Me and her were basically living together, having sex like it was no tomorrow, and basically acting married while we wern't actually married... Living in sin.
I came clean and told her how I felt, what I knew was right, and that I did not want to sin. She at first was horrified but eventually gave in to the not having sex stuff... etc. Just like you. Now this girl believes in God... but is not a full Christian. She was open to other religions and not sure how she felt... didnt wanna come to church with me all the time... etc. It eventually was REALLY tough. I slowly noticed that prior to coming to Christ I had put all my faith in the relationship and in her but now all of my faith was in a better place, in Christ. I realized that regardless of converting her or not... It was a bad idea to keep it going. I loved her, and still do. But evangelistic dating is never a good idea. Working in ministry in my church I see LITERALLY almost daily how many girls tell stories of how they tried to change their partner because or married them thinking they would be full christian... Only to find out that it never happened and they were in a horrible situation years later.

Pray on it... As I am sure you are already doing. I would speak to older wiser mature Christians at your church about it if you are comfortable to see what they think. But just remember that your walk with Christ is the most important thing.

Just one example I want to give you... And I HOPE you do not think I am flat out telling you to break up with him. But one example I want to give you is that God honors truly trying to seek the best in and with Jesus. I know a woman at my church, when she was saved she was ENGAGED and LIVING with her boyfriend of 7 YEARS... She knew she was sinning and that converting someone wasnt the right way so she parted ways. That first week after, she met a man named Sal. They became friends... and years later dated and married. She met her life partner that God planned for her.... because she did it Gods way. AND THEY ARE HAPPY. So God honors what you are doing... and he will give you what you want and need. It could be your boyfriend finding christ, or him eventually finding christ without you and finding you again after, or you finding your life partner who may or may not be him. But I am sure you will be okay because you are trying to do it Gods way. Keep strong and keep praying on it.

Also, you mentioned some drug issues relating to your boyfriends brother. What does your boyfriend think of this? Remember that a mans job is to protect his wife in EVERY single way. And even putting you anywhere near drugs is not protecting you so I would urge you to ask him what he thinks about it... or something similar before you tell him how you feel.

- Steven

sypnyc90 · Apr 30, 2012

Also to add. Again, not that I am telling you to dump him. But with my ex... we tried to come up to mutual agreements but once you give your life to Christ... its hard to do that with someone who isnt into the same ball game as you. I tried that with my ex and it never actually worked a bit. We eventually both knew that it had to happen. I had to leave her because she eventually wanted sexual closeness again and because I was a christian I loved her more then when i was not saved and because I love her more i did not want to cause her to sin with me, as well as to take pleasure from someone elses wife if she did not end up being mine.

I honestly wish you the best of luck and will keep you in prayer.

LinkH · Apr 30, 2012

Would your boyfriend join a Bible study group? Maybe you could talk to church leader about setting up a Bible study for seekers, and if he is interested, maybe he would go to it. If he becomes a believer and proposes, that might be an ideal situation for you. Pray about it though. You don't know how things will turn out.

If I were you, I would seriously consider moving out. Living in the same space with someone you are romantically interested in but not married to certainly makes room for temptation.

Partiasn · Apr 30, 2012

Mochi said:
Oh got it! Sorry, I must have gotten confused at the wording, but I get what you are saying now. I definitely agree that because of the way our society is set up today that men really have a lot to loose in a marriage situation. It's really sad, and I hope that my marriage isn't affected by what society says.

Mochi said:
I also agree that Wicca is a "white chick" thing, but then again, I wasn't really Wiccan. I wasn't initiated into a coven so I could never call myself a true Wiccan, though I was following a celtic sort of paganism because of my ancestry. My neo pagan faith was a mish mash of pantheism, dualism, mixed with magic and mythology. It really wasn't rooted in fact, but in feeling, and Christianity won out in the end for me.

On that note you should check out a Frankish Barbarian King named Clovis.

Clovis was a Pagan that had a Christian Wife, who kept trying to convert him away from the Pagan Gods.

As such it came that the franks entered in to a war with a rival tribe of pagans called the Alemanni.

As such Clovis entered into battle at a battle called the Battle of Tolbiac, and as such it appeared that Alemanni were going to win the battle and overrun the franks.

At that point Clovis remembered the God that his wife prayed to and decided he would make a deal with that God. If God would hand the battle over to the Franks he would convert to Christianity.

At that point the battle turned in the favour of the franks and Clovis won the Battle.

Clovis seen the His Wifes God was more powerful than the Other Gods, and was convinced that he was the true God.

So dont be ashamed to be a Celt, there is a lot of good history there and in many of the Germanic Tribes that later converted to Christianity.

Brianlear · May 28, 2012

I don't see why you have to break up with him. Why not just put a little distance into the relationship, work on yourselves, but stay together and see how things turn out? It would be very unfortunate to lose someone who you claimed as your best friend. Does he believe in God? If not, why not try talking to him about it? I was a lost atheist when I met my current believing girlfriend. I've since realized that God is real and I should be following him. While I wouldn't exactly call myself a "christian"...I'm definitely a believer. I just won't put a label on myself. This has confused my girlfriend to no end but our relationship continues to grow nonetheless. This just happens to be my opinion but I believe God has nothing against relationships between believers and unbelievers. In fact, what better context could there be to bring someone into a life with God than to be their spouse? Don't dump a great guy just because you are growing spiritually. Get him to come with you. My girlfriend did this for me and our relationship is incredibly strong because of it.

bocannes · Sep 9, 2012

Brianlear said:
... I believe God has nothing against relationships between believers and unbelievers. In fact, what better context could there be to bring someone into a life with God than to be their spouse? Don't dump a great guy just because you are growing spiritually. Get him to come with you. My girlfriend did this for me and our relationship is incredibly strong because of it.

Interesting post. I agree with this. I think that believers should be careful about getting into relationships with unbelievers but I don't think that it is forbidden or sinful.

CounselorForChrist · Sep 9, 2012

This is simply an opinion and nothing more but you need to ask yourself if your bf never becomes a christian, is it worth having as a bf then? You don't want his lfiestyle to cause you to stumble since you are a new christian. Especially in a world that pressures us to do things we shouldn't.

My sister in Christ who helped me has a unchristian husband for 7 years now. She says its stressful, more so now that she is pregenant because he doesn't want the baby to be taught about christianity. Of course theres always a chance he (or your BF) can be lead to salvation. But to often its a big risk when you dont' see eye to eye. Either way I'll be praying for you both!

On a side note. If you don't feel 100% compatible with him then theres probably a reason. I made the mistake of being with three people who I felt deep down I shouldn't have been with. But I ignored those feelings and ended up having sex with one of them before marriage. >.<

Christianman79 · Sep 10, 2012

Allow me to share this with you, Im copying it from a previous post I made as it fits with what I would say now also.

I do want to express that I commend him in being supportive of the decision to not have sex. He may be just as supportive of the decision to separate the living situation also. I think meeting with your pastor may help. If you do decide to stay with him, it is deff going to take time for Him to be on a spiritual level where you are. You may never end up going the same direction either. I think the seperation will give you alot of time to develop an even healthier relationship with God also. Here is my previous post, it may or may not help you. Idk but maybe someone can encourage me also lol

Im going through the same thing in a way. I got into a relationship with a woman who was not a christian however. About 6 months into the relationship I have gotten drawn deeply into God. We have had a separation. I was living with her and I moved out, we broke up for about a week due to this. We decided to keep talking and dating however because there is alot of love there and we also found out she is pregnant. She had finally agreed to come to church with me and she got very emotional in church that sunday and gave her life to God. Im not sure what to make of it but Im deff. not expecting a 180 degree turnaround like mine has been. Im trying to take things slow in the relationship and do things in the order God would have them. I went over the other night to watch some movies and ended up staying the night and I dont want that becoming a habit. She wants me to come back over and hold her while she falls asleep. She asked me when I could come and stay again and I told her I really dont want to stay there overnights because things tend to be a little to tempting. She feels like she doesnt know why she has to be the one who has to be "punished" when Im the one who cant control myself if I come over. Its a tough situation right now and I know this is the reason God doesnt want sex before marrige or living togather I think.

Holygeneral79 · Sep 10, 2012

Well speaking from experience, everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial to you. There are consequences to every decision you make. I know this pastor who told me that he married because of physical attraction. Well, his wife wasn't a believer and he tried to make her to go church for 7 years! Imaging being a pastor trying to make your wife go to church. I don't think they divorced and she finally started going to church but remember that he had to suffer for 7 years. Making choices is up to you, but there are consequences that you have to pay for those choices. Read the Bible, it's full of stories with people a price because of the choices they made. Out of the many, the story of David comes to mind. You know what happened to him after he killed the man because he wanted his wife.

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