I have bipolar I, whcih means that I got hospitalized due to psychosis, so I feel your pain. It's so hard to know what's real sometimes, even with the risperdol they give me. I don't know why God allowd bipolar to exist, but I do know he will work all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose, and that includes you. stay strong
Hello
Oh gosh. I have heard, though I don't know if it's true, that Bipolar 1 is worse than 2.
I've been hospitalized only 3 times I think. First time I was forced.. about age 19 I think, mostly because of my stupid self harm problem (haven't harmed in about 3 years though, except a couple of very minor times). I wasn't hospitalized for the injury itself, but for Dr. to watch me for a week and see how I responded to the therapy and new medications.
Then when I was about 22-23 years old I was in again because of a silly breakup (that's why I avoid relationships now, I am happier alone anyway).
My last time was in February 2012. It was 2 days after the one year anniversary of the passing of my dad. He had cancer and it was so tough to see him leave so quickly (Diagnosed in Nov. 2010, died in Feb. 2011).
I had a psychosis episode during a personal counseling session so Carrie my counselor called the Dr. and told him what was happening. He sent me there and changed me from some strange seizure med (I don't have them often, they're petit mals) called Lamictal (I was already on Klonopin for both seizure and mental illness). I broke out in a huge rash from Lamictal anyway and he put me on Risperdal. It works very well with me and I feel so much better with it. Also helps my sleep. Trazodone is good for sleep too, I have that now. I used to be on Seroquel and it worked good too but due to my insurance it forced them to change it.
I totally understand how it's hard to tell what's real even with the Risperdal. I heard the voices a few days ago when I was getting depressed and man, it was too real. It seriously felt and sounded like I was walking through a huge crowd of people.. mumbles and hearing bits and pieces of conversations as I floated through the crowd. Sometimes it gets scary.
They used to have so much control over me that I felt I had to obey them. I had to leave my apartment because I was starting to go outside at night and I sleepwalk anyway so that didn't help. I was on the top apartment floor too and they wouldn't give me a lower apartment so I came home with mom.
I knew it had to stop the time I got sick from drinking dirty kool aid. They said I would see the future if I put old dirty coins in the kool aid and drank it. When I got home the other episode I had, they sorta commanded me to swallow 3 colored hoops I had on a necklace. I even was told to eat my dog's antibiotic medication.
Mom helped me a lot through all this. It gets so real at times and that makes it so hard to get back into real life reality.
I think that although we have these episodes and psychosis, we don't have to be a slave to it. Carrie once told me that I don't have to be known as Alex, the guy with bipolar and a green beard (sometimes I get wacky with colors), but that I can be Alex, the writer, the son who loves his mom... Alex the guy who cares about animals.. etc.
And with God, this is a great truth. What seems so impossible, be it illnesses or other challenges in life, God can help us through it ALL to the very end.
I read in the bible just a few minutes ago about casting your cares upon God because He cares for you:
1 Peter 5:6-7 (KJV)
6 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:
7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.
(I copied and pasted it from Bible Gateway).
I believe God allows bipolar and other illnesses to exist in our lives because it's all part of the test / challenge He has set up for us individually, to help us grow in all aspects. I think of it like this - if we never were wrong, never had any challenges or hardships in our lives, what would we really be learning?
You all take care and I'll be back later. Gosh I love talking to you guys. I really do feel like I'm family here.
You all are wonderful, never stop! Being wonderful is a blessing.
And I see each of you as one of those too!
(HUGS)
Your friend,
Alex