Does the Fear Mean That There’s Actually Something Wrong with You?

I’ve somehow gotten into my mind that the sole fact that I’m freaked out by thoughts that God wants me to get rid of this hobby of mine/I’ve sinned so I have to get rid of it/etc. means that the OCD’s persistent admonitions that this hobby of mine is an idol is really true. Like, the fact that when I pray things like “God, if you want me to get rid of it/stop doing it/if it’s really an idol, give me peace/make me want to get rid of it/take away the desire to do it/etc.” is immediately followed by feelings of intense anxiety and fervent feeling searching to see if God has done it or not (and fervently hoping he hasn’t) means that I’m not REALLY willing to do anything that God wants me to do, that I care too much, that I’m lying to myself, that I really AM guilty, etc., etc. Even the fact that I don’t WANT to think the above thoughts is proof for the OCD that I’m guilty, because the fear makes me think it MIGHT be true, even though I know it’s not, and the sole possibility that it COULD be true is enough for the OCD to bash me over the head with the thoughts even more, saying that now I have to think it, or it really WILL be true.

Never mind the fact that I’ve tried thinking other things like that, except about different subjects (like about my friends, or other hobbies), and I’ve gotten the same initial kneejerk reaction of anxiety and such to all of them, but the OCD doesn’t focus on THEM for some reason. >_> But that still doesn’t change the fact that I’m still afraid, and that the OCD (at least, I HOPE it’s the OCD) uses that fear to prove it’s point that I’m a selfish, self-deluded, idolatrous blankety-blank-blank who should be ashamed of herself and get rid of this for penitence to show God how sorry I am for acting this way, even if it wasn’t God telling me to get rid of it in the first place.

Please, please tell me other people have experienced something like this.

Aster

amaui said:

But if you get anxious or confused or fearful, its ocd or the devil. GOD CONVICTION DOESNT COME WITH THESE. EVER.If you feel this way then ignore it because it isnt from God.

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That right there is what I’ve been getting for the last two years. I have NEVER had peace about getting rid of this, or that it was God telling me to do so. Of course, if it really WAS God, I’d do it, don’t think I wouldn’t, but it’s always the question of was it Him or wasn’t it? Have I done something wrong or haven’t I? See, this is what Relationship OCD is all about, regardless of whether it attacks your romantic relationships, friendships, or anything or anyone that you harbor a strong emotional connection to, and why you can’t treat it or address it as if it were only Scrupulosity.

The idea that anything you like thinking about and think about a lot is an “idol” just because you like thinking about it or are concerned about it seems like a bit of a fallacy to me. After all, person in love will spend a great deal of time thinking about his or her beloved, and parents will spend most of their waking hours thinking about and/or caring and providing for their children, and nowhere in the Bible does it say that that’s a sin. In addition, people who write or create art for either work or pleasure spend a great deal of time coming up with their ideas and turning them into something tangible for themselves or others to experience and enjoy. How much time do you think famous composers and artists spent to come up with their symphonies and masterpieces?

I also think the OCD plays a big part in having this subject be constantly on my mind, too; if I didn’t have this disorder, I definitely think that I wouldn’t think about it nearly as much, since I’m always trying to figure out whether I can or can’t do it, and that takes up a bunch of time that I’d rather spend either actually brainstorming, daydreaming, or just thinking about something else. So I’m thinkin’ that it’s the worry that’s the problem, not the hobby/subject, and that’s also the vibe I’ve gotten from every other spiritually-minded person in my life that I’ve told about this. Here, this thread I started a while ago should give you a little better idea of where I’m coming from. http://www.christianforums.com/t7674044/

Thank you for taking the time to reply, though.

Aster

christian21 said:

Me too, used to suffer from OCD intrusive thoughts. =( It pains me whenever blasphemous thoughts pop up in my head like crazy. I never meant to hurt God or the Holy Spirit. I have fear of the Lord in my heart. And I know that if really wanted to sin in my head, I would do so willingly, intentionally, and meditate on those bad thoughts without the guilt or concern. I desperately wanted to be forgiven by God. I still don't know up to now if God has finally decided to forgive me, or I am doomed to be punished for eternity. Sad.

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I'm so sorry, sweetheart. That's what I kinda think, too, about sinning, that I wouldn't care, or that it just wouldn't matter to me. But here, this article might help you out some. Scrupulosity: Worried about salvation. Oppressive guilt feelings. I pray that it gives you some peace of mind, sweetie.

Aster