Having trouble with the whole sex before marriage thing

Unfortunately, you are what's known as "unequally yoked". The unsaved person's nature is contrary to yours so you don't mix well. If you were already married, you could do as Paul said, and stay as long as he would have you. Maybe your conduct would get him saved. Since you're not married, even living together really is an appearance of evil. It appears to the church and the outside world that you are sleeping together (even if you are not).

I had a similar circumstance when I first got saved. My girlfriend wanted things as they were and the holiness of the Lord would not allow this. It took a while and under a lot of conviction, I eventually told her I could not stay with her as we were and she basically told me to go to my God (which I did).

You'll be a lot happier to do the same. Ask God what He wants you to do and how and the timing of it all. Ask for favor with your child and He'll work on your behalf. Believe this. Many live in fear of what happens when they leave their man. God will work circumstances that will enable you to please Him. Don't give in to demands for sex because that is serious in the eyes of God and is one of the very reasons why you can't have fellowship together. If he understands that serving God is your number one priority now, he will probably consider his life and what he wants to do. For him, it's not about going to church with you. It's about dedicating his life to Christ.

If you marry an unbeliever know that you're a Christian, you'll be signing up for trouble, so only if he converts and even only then if you feel the peace of God about it, would you stay together. Don't get into fear, but realize that some changes are in order, and God will direct your steps if you keep acknowledging Him.

It might be a good idea to talk to your pastor and get some good godly counsel. It may open a door for you.

I want to leave, and my pastor also thinks it is wise. But I can't afford it on my own, and the places that I can go,
our not good. My family is also not on my page with the Lord. I wish there were Christian housing near by..I would love that. I really want to do what's right. My health has not been the greatest and I worry about how much longer I have here daily. Is would like to know I did my best at what is right. It is hard...having a child on top of it. I know I went wrong with making the man I am with more important than God. I want that to change. As a Christian now I want to serve the Lord, and be surrounded by other Christians. I need help with my son though....I've gotten very weak and have issues carrying him at 9months. I feel like a rock in a tough spot. There has been days when I feel like giving my son up, just so he has someone stronger for him. It's been very hard, and my son is my world. The most stressful part is I still don't know what's wrong with me health wise. I am definitely in need of prayers!!!

Yes, I am definitely praying for you and I know that God has many resources available for those who are in need.

Malachi88,

Surely there is someone in your church who could offer you accommodation at this time? This is what James wrote to us:
James 2:14-16 What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? NIV

John
NZ

I've called my pastor. He never mentioned anything. I would love to be with a Christian family. To be honest..I would love to be with a family. Love sounds great right about now. I don't think I ever had a real family. One that listens, understands, doesn't judge, nor argue all the the time, one that loves unconditionally. Sorry I think I just needed to vent..

Don't apologise. A loving family is something we all need.

Why not ask your pastor directly if anyone would have you stay with them.

John
NZ

I feel the same. Maybe if my boyfriend was a Christian things would be easier. Good luck to you, and may God grant you with the strength to do what is right. Just remember, your not alone. We all have our difficulties in some area or another.

Malachi88 said:

I also struggle in this area. But I've bee. With the same man for over 3 years, and we now have a child. However I have recently been baptized and no longer want to ha e sex until I am married. Well he doesn't understand and is very mean about it. He is causing me to be unsure about us. Because as a Christian I know divorce is not an option. So idk what's the right thing to do is. I suppose to pray my boyfriend changes and understands what I'm trying to do...

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I'm going to give an answer that may be unpopular, but I think you want to think about what marriage actually is. Whether you have the paper or not, living with someone for 3 years and having a child seems to me to indicate a commitment. I'm not so sure your partner is wrong to expect you to continue. Paul tells married people that it is wrong to deny their partner. While you're not technically married, please consider whether this might apply to you.

I'm also not sure what the "unequally yoked" comment is supposed to mean. Perhaps if you had it to do again you wouldn't get involved with a non-Christian. But that's not the situation. Paul talks about people who become Christian while married. They are not to abandon their spouse unless the spouse is unwilling to continue. I don't think the fact that he wants to continue having sex with you qualifies as that kind of problem. Are you OK with him otherwise?

I agree with Hedrik. You can have a marriage ceremony but that is just confirming before God your current status.

John
NZ

Knowing Jesus is better. Its hard to get to know him if we are walking in the flesh, fulfilling its lust. Trust me, i been there. Jesus loves us, he wants us to love Him and get to know him. We cannot do this if we love our flesh more than Him. I hate my vile flesh. I want to know Jesus.

weathered said:

Knowing Jesus is better. Its hard to get to know him if we are walking in the flesh, fulfilling its lust. Trust me, i been there. Jesus loves us, he wants us to love Him and get to know him. We cannot do this if we love our flesh more than Him. I hate my vile flesh. I want to know Jesus.

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I sincerely hope by 'vile flesh' you don't mean 'sexual awareness' and normal human sexuality.

John
NZ

Johnnz said:

I sincerely hope by 'vile flesh' you don't mean 'sexual awareness' and normal human sexuality.

John
NZ

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No, im just talking about myself. Normal human sexuality serves a purpose.

I'm going to give an answer that may be unpopular, but I think you want to think about what marriage actually is. Whether you have the paper or not, living with someone for 3 years and having a child seems to me to indicate a commitment. I'm not so sure your partner is wrong to expect you to continue. Paul tells married people that it is wrong to deny their partner.

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Be very careful of the advice you follow. Jesus told that Samaritan woman at the well that the man she now lived with was not her husband. With all of the husbands she had, it is no wonder she didn't marry the next.

Marriage is a covenant. It should occur after the flowering of souls that occurs when a man and woman deeply tie to one another. In a Christian context, an existing believer should only be yoked to another believer. If you're already married and become Christian, you should stay in the same calling where you were when you came to the Lord (unless he will not have you). Since you are not married, this is not the case. Marriage should only occur after God deals with you that it is His will.

If you do not have the covenant, you are not married. A believer's marriage has the added thing (if you choose the right partner) of having God join them together. He blesses the union.

Having sex out of wedlock is fornication, and I'm not getting on to you about this, as you have your own conscience, and already desire to be pure, even against the wishes of your man (thus honoring the Lord in this way). It is very wrong for your partner "to expect you to continue". I'm sure the poster meant well, but make no mistake, it is wrong to continue. You know this on the inside already.

I'm also not sure what the "unequally yoked" comment is supposed to mean.

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The yoke is a instrument of servitude whereby two or more of the same kind walk together in the same service (to the Lord). It's a "collar" in the animal world, and that they submit their "necks" to in submission to the guide, to walk in unity. In the OT, Jews were not supposed to mingle with non Jews. It's really a type and a shadow of believers (light) not fellowshipping with unbelievers (darkness) in the New Covenant.
The Word says that they have no fellowship.

Here's to wisdom in your spirit, to guide you in your quest for uncompromised holiness - in Jesus' name.

Normal relations within marriage serves a purpose i should say.

I just had a thought, forgive me if its off topic, i'll just say this and yield the floor. Im not sure if this is biblical or not, that is if it is based on scripture or not, but i believe it and its been said many times by different people.


Jesus is calling us all to him if we hear his voice, and i think he is saying come to me all you who are weary and i will give you rest. Don't delay, come as you are.

Alive_Again said:

Be very careful of the advice you follow.

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Indeed.

I believe the OP specifically posted in the liberal group. My understanding of the liberal approach is that we look at realities of the situation and consequences on people and relationships more than legalism. This doesn't mean we ignore the Bible. Indeed I believe the Biblical provisions are apply here are pretty clear: they include the prohibition of divorce without cause, the instruction to remain with a pagan partner after conversion, and not denying your husband sexual relations. In opposition to this we have proof by vigorous assertion that God only accepts as married people who have gone through a formal ceremony.

The starting situation isn't a good one. If they had been Christian in the beginning, they probably would have gotten married before having sex and a child. But we now have to pick the lesser of several evils.

The reality is that there is a commitment here, both to the partner and the child. I believe most liberals would say that the lesser of the evils is to say that they're a lot closer to being married than not married. They should certainly make it official. But until that happens, separating, or refusing their partner sex, is morally a lot more like an unjustified divorce than anything else.

This is not, of course, intended as a defense of extramarital intercourse.

I think this situation is an excellent example of how liberal and conservative approaches to Christian ethics differ.

The citation of the woman at the well is an interesting one. In fact the facts are not quite as summarized by Alive_Again. Jesus initially referred to the woman's partner as her husband. She denied it, and he accepted her characterization. I note that Jesus did not criticize the woman or demand that she separate from her partner.

hedrick said:

Indeed.

I believe the OP specifically posted in the liberal group. My understanding of the liberal approach is that we look at realities of the situation and consequences on people and relationships more than legalism. This doesn't mean we ignore the Bible. Indeed I believe the Biblical provisions are apply here are pretty clear: they include the prohibition of divorce without cause, the instruction to remain with a pagan partner after conversion, and not denying your husband sexual relations. In opposition to this we have proof by vigorous assertion that God only accepts as married people who have gone through a formal ceremony.

The starting situation isn't a good one. If they had been Christian in the beginning, they probably would have gotten married before having sex and a child. But we now have to pick the lesser of several evils.

The reality is that there is a commitment here, both to the partner and the child. I believe most liberals would say that the lesser of the evils is to say that they're a lot closer to being married than not married. They should certainly make it official. But until that happens, separating, or refusing their partner sex, is morally a lot more like an unjustified divorce than anything else.

This is not, of course, intended as a defense of extramarital intercourse.

I think this situation is an excellent example of how liberal and conservative approaches to Christian ethics differ.

The citation of the woman at the well is an interesting one. In fact the facts are not quite as summarized by Alive_Again. Jesus initially referred to the woman's partner as her husband. She denied it, and he accepted her characterization. I note that Jesus did not criticize the woman or demand that she separate from her partner.

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Im going to ask something, i'm just curious im not here to debate or preach. What does this liberal point of view that you refer to say about homosexual relationships and same sex marriage?

The citation of the woman at the well is an interesting one. In fact the facts are not quite as summarized by Alive_Again. Jesus initially referred to the woman's partner as her husband. She denied it, and he accepted her characterization. I note that Jesus did not criticize the woman or demand that she separate from her partner.

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I said: Jesus told that Samaritan woman at the well that the man she now lived with was not her husband. This is because He had a Word of knowledge as a prophet. Five husbands.

The woman answered and said, I have no husband. Jesus said unto her, Thou hast well said, I have no husband: For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.
John 4:17-18

My saying this, and Jesus obviously said it as well, is that Jesus revealed that because "he that she had" was not her husband, even though she apparently lived as such. There IS a difference.

Jesus doesn't condemn her. He's trying to get her saved. Samaritan's were considered "dogs" to Jews. He didn't condemn her.


True, the liberal view (in the world) is that if you love each other, shacking up and having sex isn't so bad. It's what the media lays on us and our children. But God seems to have a different view of things, if you look at the Bible and the law of God in her heart. You can be liberal and not acknowledge it, but it is there just the same.

Since the world's perspective for the "norm" is to shack up, it's actually liberal for a Christian to come along and say the only real married couple is the one in covenant.

If you look at covenants in the Bible, they have importance, and the very reason God deals with us, is because we are in covenant with Him (on His rules).

Without this covenant, their is no marriage. You made an inference that maybe the husband was not wrong to want to have sex.

Our friend knows in her heart, that it is wrong to do so. When you take these 2 things into account, the "maybe the husband isn't really wrong" thing doesn't really hash. I guess you can be liberal and suggest it. Isn't it more important to answer to your conscience as a saved person, rather than someone alienated from the life of God (no matter how well meaning and loving)?

They should certainly make it official. But until that happens, separating, or refusing their partner sex, is morally a lot more like an unjustified divorce than anything else.

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If she knows going in that he is not a believer, or that God isn't the one setting this up, then making it official would be making an official mistake. An unjustified divorce only occurs after a covenant is broken. Since they didn't make one, their is no danger of a "divorce".

What this all boils down to is there a different from making a covenant with another person, as an oath before God (ideally equally yoked) and just living together and liking the other person? Maybe even expressing natural love? Is there a difference? A promise has significance and so does your word.

Can 2 walk together unless they're agreed?

weathered said:

Im going to ask something, i'm just curious im not here to debate or preach. What does this liberal point of view that you refer to say about homosexual relationships and same sex marriage?

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The rules of CF don't permit discussion of this topic. Sorry.