pain so deep...

i can hardly breathe...even if my mother says she's sorry and admits to the beatings my brothers gave me, and my oldest cousin molesting me it's too late.

i feel like i shouldn't have to tell her how she should react...when she witness the first time my brothers beating me she should have stopped it...when i got the courage and strength to tell her what my oldest cousin did to me she should have reacted.

i went to her house last week and it was a disaster...she refuses to admit what has happen to me.

one of the things i said to her was...growing up i was so scared of my brothers i couldn't form a sentence...i would stutter...she said "ok your brothers would call you names." what is she talking about?

she kept on bringing up what my in laws said and did to me and i responsed...my in laws are not my mother and brothers.

so saying she is sorry it feels like it's all for show, doesn't come from the heart...i shouldn't have to tell her what to say or how to feel.

i can't stop crying

well my mother left a sobbing vm on my cell...makeitwork please come over your nieces and nephews are asking for you...i love you makeitwork.

i gotta be honest the old me would have been there in a heart beat...but i don't have the desire to go there. my ma is controlling, manipulative, and tries to make me feel guilty...it doesn't work anymore.

as a matter of fact...memorial day and the 4th of july i didn't go to her house...i spent the day making memories with my kids.

it hurts to come to terms that i don't have a family...one other thing my mother said to me last week was "when it was your father funeral you didn't come to your parents house...you ran away." i said...i begged you not to have the molester a pallbearer but you didn't listen...and i ran away? when the funeral home came to the hospital it was me who stayed behind to see my father be put in a body bag...it was me who watched my father be buried...where were you and my brothers?

here i go again crying...

so sorry for your loss rowantree (((hugs)))

you were their for your father at the right time...you were a good daughter to your father...shame on your mother...your mother is jealous of you...it's true what they say the true colors come out of people either at funerals or weddings.

the day my father died...i took him to the doctors for a check before him and ma were leaving for overseas and the doctor said he's good to fly...that night he had a massive heartattack, put on a feeding and breathing tube...i never left his side...i whispered in his ear...remember to raise when you hear the trumpet...JESUS loves you...you didn't do anything wrong.

my father thought that GOD hated him because he had a massive heatattack, triple bypass, bleeding ulcer , and a massive stroke. the stroke is where he had to retire, couldn't drive, make homemade wine and italian meats, he couldn't take a shower by himself, my ma was his caretaker, and so was i.

my ma, brothers and their wives had no patience or respect for my father. my ma would always complain about him and finally one day i couldn't take it anymore and i said...how do you think papa feels? he's trapped in his own body, he had to give up what he loved.

there's a lot more than just me being physically and sexually abused...my ma put my brothers wives on a pedestal...it was so bad that my father, my aunts, uncles and friends of the family told her WHAT ARE YOU DOING? MAKEITWORK IS YOUR DAUGHTER NOT ? AND ?.

just to give an example my parents every year would go overseas for a few months and come back with beautiful gifts for everyone...brother #1 wife got first pick...than brother #2 wife...and i got the left overs.

i am seconding guessing myself...i never took my abuse this far in my life...all my life i was suppose to be seen but not heard...one of the things i said to my mother last week was you want me to put on a smile and make pertend everything is alright...she said yes...than i said you were hoping that i would never speak of my abuses and take it to my grave...her eyes got wide...i said i am not like you...i am not fake and phony...i tell things like it is not how it should be.

my question is how do i move forward? i don't want my past to be my present...me ignoring my family is that right?

yes i am protecting myself...but why does it hurt so much? maybe because the truth hurts.

my husband took our kids out for breakfast and shopping...i need to be alone...he sees how much this is hurting me and he keeps telling me i am doing the right thing...shame on them...not me.

my house is sparkling clean...i do a lot of projects and cleaning around the house when i am hurting.

(((hugs))) to all of you...i need the support and prayers

this will be weird so here it goes...in '04 i gave my life to CHRIST...had a dream that my youngest cousin who was 9 or 10 years old in my dream was being molested by the same cousin that molested me...and then they both had red dots all over them. this felt so real that i went to my cousin house and asked to speak with him alone..he said whatever i had to say to him i can say it in front of his wife...shaking i said i know what X did to you...my cousin said with wise guy attitude...what did X do to me makeitwork...i said i know because X did it to me. he grabbed me crying hysterically saying makeitwork i told my mother but she never did anything about it.

i said my ma did the same thing...he asked how old was he in my dream i said 9 or 10 years old...he said he was 9...i asked what did the red dots mean...he said him and our cousin actually had chicken pots at the same time right shortly after he was molested. our oldest cousin was 19 at the time.

yes i told my godmother which is my mother oldest sister...at first she was in shock and then she said he was on drugs and i should be going to family parties and make pretend he's not there. she also said what are you going to do makeitwork call the police and ruin his life...he's married makeitwork and has kids.

i told my dads sister...she was in shock and said my mother never ever said anything to her she also said she remembers the brusies my brothers gave me when i was little.

everytime there was a party my father would ask how come you didn't come? and i would make up a lie...but in '07 i told my father and with tears running down his face he said...your mother never said anything to me if i would have known i would have killed the b. WOW thats what a daddy suppose to say...boy here comes the tears again. he also said i can't change the past and i should go to family parties

in '09 i told brother #1 he was crying like a baby and hugging me...when my ma insisted that the molester had to be a pallbearer he told my mother...she remembers everything don't do this to her.

fastforward i don't have his support anymore...a couple of months ago he told me to get over it, i need special help, and that i made what my cousin did to me everybody elses problem.

brother #2 found out shortly i told brother #1...but i didn't tell brother #2 it was brother #1...and he doesn't believe me. as a matter of facted brother #2 made me godmother to his son and the molester godfather...i remember at church i had my godson in my arms and the molester was sitting down and said let me hold him and i said i don't think so and walked away.

wow i can't believe what i just wrote...why would i want to continue to have this rejection and betrayal in life?