I know I shouldn't but cannot stop thinking about it...

StillRaisingTheTorch · Jun 11, 2012

Its lengthy but pls I need to hear some HONEST Christians who will willingly admit that they do have sexual thoughts...

Hello,

So my SO and I (both in our early 20s) have been courting for about a year now. He is a pastor's son and we both attend the same church, have the same faith, desire God together, enjoy the things of God, and are seeking to ensure that our relationship is pleasing in God's sight...We have a mentor couple who serve as our mentors and accountability partners, we have established our relationship to both our families and all that stuff...the only thing is that I cannot stop thinking about SEX...I mean, hot, deep, sensual, honey-moon night kind of stuff with him...I mean, I imagine stuff and imagine some HIGHLY sexual stuff happening between the two of us and those thoughts plague me throughout the whole day...I cannot concentrate on school work, or work work, or anything because the whole day, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from suppressing thoughts and desires, fighting them, binding them, praying against them, doing all sorts of stuff, quoting scripture when possible...some days, I come home sooooo exhausted because the whole day, I have been mentally ranting and raving to get those thoughts out.

Now I don't tell him this because I don't want him to get the wrong perception and I find it safer to not ignite any conversation about this issue but its really bothering me...When we first started going out, we agreed to non-sexual interaction and accepted only holding hands, pecks on the cheeks, and hugs. No rubbing or anything like that. But recently, we just STARTED to kiss and I find that it goes all the way to some serious french kissing, WITHOUT touching any body parts and stuff like that....Just the french kiss alone in itself...I find that when I see him and we french kiss like that, those thoughts ALMOST IMMEDIATELY disappear and I am good and bouncy for like a week or 2. And then I start to miss him and the cycle starts again, the crazy thoughts comeback and I start fighting them...Might I add that we did not start kissing till like 4 months ago or so, and these thoughts even existed WAYYYY before we started kissing...so its not like the kissing made the thoughts come. The thoughts existed when all we did was hold hands...

Sometimes, when i have those thoughts, I run away from him or don't want to see him because I fear that the way I am feeling at that point in time when those thoughts come may lead us to do something we both don't want to do...We are both born again Christians, Spirit-filled, tongue talking (for those who believe in that like we do). I say these things to reassure that this is not a case of some uncertain Christians trying to know how far is far...This is a serious case to me, I know what is at stake and I really don't want this affecting mine or his spiritual walk...So, please when responding, respond with that in mind...We are planning on getting married but need to first put a few things in order before doing that...But till then, WHAT THE HECK DO I DO?

And yes, we know, read your bible, pray, don't be alone together, hang out with friends, have an accountability partner..yes...But I am not talking about the act of fornicating...I am talking about how to deal with these thoughts that come despite that I have done majority of the aforementioned things...So all in all, what in the world do I do? *sigh* Its driving me nuts...

NiobiumTragedy · Jun 11, 2012

Your human; it's normal.

We are built to have these drives and desires. There is nothing abnormal about it and I commend you for being able to have the self control to not allow it to go further and holding on to your standards you set.

Here's the thing: the more you continue on the way you're going with the kissing like a maniac, the harder it will be to control for both of you. I'm certain he's going through a lot of the same thing simply because he's male and that's how we're wired to work. The thing is that if he knows about your problem, there is a likely chance he will try to exploit it and try to get you to go further for the simple reason that guys don't think too well when they are sexually excited and tend to make stupid decisions. It can totally demolish any spirituality you have if you make that decision out of the heat of the moment which can lead to a lot of regret, so be careful. You're toying with Pandora's Box.

Sketcher · Jun 11, 2012

If I were him, I'd be flattered, and make it a point to french kiss you at least as often, while maintaining appropriate boundaries. I wouldn't judge you for it. I'm not making any guarantees that this will help rather than hurt, it's up to the both of you really, but that's how I would react.

somethingBEAUTIFUL · Jun 11, 2012

NiobiumTragedy said:
Your human; it's normal.

We are built to have these drives and desires. There is nothing abnormal about it and I commend you for being able to have the self control to not allow it to go further and holding on to your standards you set.

Here's the thing: the more you continue on the way you're going with the kissing like a maniac, the harder it will be to control for both of you. I'm certain he's going through a lot of the same thing simply because he's male and that's how we're wired to work. The thing is that if he knows about your problem, there is a likely chance he will try to exploit it and try to get you to go further for the simple reason that guys don't think too well when they are sexually excited and tend to make stupid decisions. It can totally demolish any spirituality you have if you make that decision out of the heat of the moment which can lead to a lot of regret, so be careful. You're toying with Pandora's Box.

Pay attention to what he said. He's sooo right!
I greatly commend you too, on sticking to your standards. I know what it's like for thoughts like to that to come up out of nowhere and consume you. Sometimes, you litererally just have to wait for it to pass, no matter how much you pray or try to focus on something else. Don't guilt yourself too much though; it is completely normal!

paul becke · Jun 11, 2012

".... Sometimes, you litererally just have to wait for it to pass, no matter how much you pray or try to focus on something else. Don't guilt yourself too much though; it is completely normal!" - somethingBEAUTIFUL.

Yes, and you are so right, sB; particularly, "".. Sometimes you just have to let it pass..." Rather, it seems to me, like a depressed mood.

In a spiritual classic called, the Cloud of Unknowing, I believe by a medieval author, he says something to the effect that you should somehow pretend to give in to it - presuming it's not hideous - and, I know it sounds heretical, but prayer that's too intense and unremitting can actually make you more vulnerable to bad thoughts. I know Jesus said, "Pray at all times", but I believe it is a general injunction to lift up our minds and hearts to God at every (realistic) opportunity. He knows what we need, but prayer binds us ever closer to him socially.

Someone on a blog, an American woman, I believe, as you express the matter so well with the term, remarked that if you specifically beg for purity, "you will have issues." And that has been my experience. Sexual thoughts are very much a part of daily life (or should I say, 'ten secondly life') life when we are young, however devoutly Christian, and in a more sublimated way, even when we are older. One saint said something to the effect that a man becomes free of concupiscence approximately 2 hours after death.

When we Catholics think we've gone too far, we may make the following act of contrition, before we have the opportunity to say it in Confession. I've always found it helpful.

"O my God, I am sorry for having sinned against you, because I had offended your infinite goodness; and with the help of your grace, I resolve never to sin again."

We know the last words are unrealistic, but it's good to make a statement of intent, rather than, "I'll try, but I can't promise...". Implicit in it, however, is the useful lesson to bear in mind, that virtue is a privilege as well as a duty. "... with the help of your grace..." So don't beat yourself up about it; it's a long haul you face, even more so if you were a young man.

Although there are men, perfectly virile men, who have the specific gift of chastity from an early age. What a gift,eh? Still, God seems to be a great believer in "It takes all types...", and we're in the majority, so we mustn't get down-hearted about it.

LinkH · Jun 11, 2012

I can relate to your post, though when I met my wife, something about that sort of tamed the wild beast in me that was roaring to get out. Or perhaps it was because the Lord had done a bit of a work on my thought life just before I met her as I recall.

Here is a good verse to meditate on from Romans 6. Therefore, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed because of sin, but alive unto God.

Avoid too much in the ways of displays of affection, and do NOT share with him about your struggles thinking about him until after you get married. Then you can tell him all of it. Now, you can share it with a Christian female prayer partner you can trust.

Also, if he proposes, ask for a short engagement.

mandelduke · Jun 11, 2012

"WOW sounds like thats going to be some wedding night!

Johnnz · Jun 11, 2012

How wonderfully normal and healthy. God designed our sex drive to head us off to seek a life partner. I would be more concerned if there was no sexual desire. You love each other. When you are married that love will be expressed sexually. Hopefully your marriage is not to far away.

John
NZ

iambren · Jun 11, 2012

Your post is cute, refreshing, and beautiful. In a sense it all is just as it should be--a love unleashed that requires taming for the proper time. What you've written reminds me of the admonition in Song of Songs:

Song of Songs 2:7
"Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

You've been awakened and now must deal with that.

You said "We are planning on getting married but need to first put a few things in order before doing that...But till then, WHAT THE HECK DO I DO?"

I would be putting some things in order soon!

StillRaisingTheTorch · Jun 12, 2012

LinkH said:
I can relate to your post, though when I met my wife, something about that sort of tamed the wild beast in me that was roaring to get out. Or perhaps it was because the Lord had done a bit of a work on my thought life just before I met her as I recall.

Here is a good verse to meditate on from Romans 6. Therefore, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed because of sin, but alive unto God.

Avoid too much in the ways of displays of affection, and do NOT share with him about your struggles thinking about him until after you get married. Then you can tell him all of it. Now, you can share it with a Christian female prayer partner you can trust.

Also, if he proposes, ask for a short engagement.

Thank you for that advice...and most definately a SHORT engagement...

Kixa · Jun 13, 2012

This is very sweet, and yes, sex is such a wonderful gift from God! But to avoid sin and the sin of lustful thoughts, I have found that NOTHING works better than memorizing scripture, praying to God to convict you if things are going too far, to be held accountable by family members or friends, and limit time where you are completely alone together.
Again, not saying that sex is bad, because it isn't! But trying to limit those feelings sexually right now will not by any means make it after marriage any less exciting, but in fact, it will make it even BETTER when that time comes!

Good luck!

Verses that have helped me:

*2 Timothy 2:22

"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart."

*Galatians 2:20

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

*Philippians 4:8-9

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe · Jun 15, 2012

I recommend an extremely short engagement if you know what I mean.

That being said you are normal. The Bible tells us to marry if we burn with passion. You "burn with passion" so you are the type of person who should marry. That's not a bad thing.

ImperialPhantom · Jul 7, 2012

Agreed with most everyone who posted. You're wearing yourself out from trying to fight these thoughts. Accept them as they are and it will be that much easier to live with them, let them pass, and get done what you need to get done, because when it gets in the way of work and school, then that becomes an issue. If you need to, maybe suggest calling off the kissing until a later date (perhaps shortly before the wedding night) if that is what it takes to help you get your focus back.

iambren · Jul 8, 2012

All this is well and good but I did think of one admonition:

Just make sure the sentiment doesn't flip the other way after you are married for a while.

The dynamic goes: I can't have him so WANT him.

vs (post wedding) I can have him whenever, don't want him so much.

Sex is great but our minds can get quirky like that.

Inkachu · Jul 15, 2012

First - of course other single Christians have "sexual thoughts". We're human beings, and we're sexual creatures. Just remember that there's a difference between a "sexual thought" and "continuous, lustful, sexual fantasies". You sound like you're stuck with the 2nd problem.

Second - never say "I can't stop thinking about this or that". That is surrendering the entire battle right up front. Don't do that! You CAN stop it. With determination, constant prayer, changes in thought-life and attitude, and surrender to God, you can stop. Maybe not overnight, maybe not without failing a bunch of times, but if you NEVER give up trying, you CAN be victorious. There is no sin that a Christian "can't" overcome through God's help.

Last - I have the sense that there's more behind this struggle than meets the eye. It's not too often that a woman gets caught up in something like this (and I'm not getting into the whole men vs women thing), and when it happens, I find there's usually something in her past that needs to be dealt with. It may be an issue with her father (or a father figure) or something like that. If a women has a history of abuse, or being sexualized at a young age, or being over-sexualized as a teen... all of these things can warp our views on romance, relationships, and sex, and make us believe that sex is the be-all and end-all of being LOVED by a man. Not saying this is definitely the case with you, but I felt it needed to be said, cause it was the case with me. And it's something I'm still dealing with at 35 years old

Also, FWIW, I know everyone else's posts are banking on this being resolved when you get married, but you don't mention any sort of timeline of when you may actually be engaged, let alone married. And it's not appropriate (not saying it isn't NATURAL, but we are to control our human nature) to be having these fantasies while this man is not your husband. And to me, until a couple is actually married, there's always a chance they won't BE married.

:hug:

A2597 · Jul 15, 2012

Yep...short engagement, and be very careful with boundaries.

Annnd...just a thought since you said you haven't discussed this with him...
You two need to have a short talk about sex, avoiding details, to make certain you are on the same page. If you trust your mentors implicitly, you can have them present and guide the discussion. But if you are able to have a private discussion in public (A park or something) that works too. Again, don't go into details, do what you can to spare HIS imagination, but just a quick talk to check.

Other than that, not a lot I can add to what everyone else has said. A lot of truth here.

EazyMack · Jul 25, 2012

Speaking from the wrong side of experience, and reiterating some of what's already been stated: keep those boundaries up! Do not give in until after the wedding! This is a mistake that I have made more than once, and continue to pay the consequences for it now. Basically, it has caused me to get myself into some big messes that I shouldn't ever have been in, and made my life a lot harder than it needed to be. I would totally go back and change it if I could.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 said:
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

lilshady25 · Aug 3, 2012

"I find that when I see him and we french kiss like that, those thoughts ALMOST IMMEDIATELY disappear and I am good and bouncy for like a week or 2. And then I start to miss him and the cycle starts again, the crazy thoughts comeback and I start fighting them...Might I add that we did not start kissing till like 4 months ago or so, and these thoughts even existed WAYYYY before we started kissing...so its not like the kissing made the thoughts come. The thoughts existed when all we did was hold hands..."

Yeah i have same problem but i dont think about sex all the time some days its more but most are okay.... We are in a long distance relationship right now and beign together in person is far in between...All i want it just to touch her or hold her and i know i would be fine and able to resist temptation... but instead we have succumbed to "phone sex" and i feel that is bad...

MC0 · Aug 8, 2012

@lilshady

lilshady25 said:
" but instead we have succumbed to "phone sex" and i feel that is bad...

Not tryna be a judge or anything but you are backing up the wrong tree bro! You are both falling and you are both slipping away from what is right and pure. You'll need to cut that activity out and come back. Its just as bad as the physical sex. If you need us to pray for you and help you both come out, feel free to indicate so or pm the chaplain of this forum. Comeback.

OGM · Aug 8, 2012

lilshady25 said:
"I find that when I see him and we french kiss like that, those thoughts ALMOST IMMEDIATELY disappear and I am good and bouncy for like a week or 2. And then I start to miss him and the cycle starts again, the crazy thoughts comeback and I start fighting them...Might I add that we did not start kissing till like 4 months ago or so, and these thoughts even existed WAYYYY before we started kissing...so its not like the kissing made the thoughts come. The thoughts existed when all we did was hold hands..."

Yeah i have same problem but i dont think about sex all the time some days its more but most are okay.... We are in a long distance relationship right now and beign together in person is far in between...All i want it just to touch her or hold her and i know i would be fine and able to resist temptation... but instead we have succumbed to "phone sex" and i feel that is bad...

You have to break out of this vicious cycle.

I know I shouldn't but cannot stop thinking about it...

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