Do women want sex as much as men?

JaneFW

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My pastor spoke a few weeks back on sex, it is the first time he's delivered a message which I have felt so strongly opposed to! To the point I'm still mad about it now, hence me taking it up here to get some further opinions. I'd like very honest, frank answers so thanks in advance for sharing on an intimate subject. Apologies if any similar threads have been made before.

In a nutshell, he made it sound like men are desperate for sex until the day they die and women could take it or leave it. I am single and a virgin but even I know most women want sex probably just as much as men do! So I'd really like to know from married Christians what your experience/views are on men vs. women in the libido department (I've already done some research into this in the secular world but I suppose waiting until marriage could make a difference to things). Do women want it as much? Ever initiate it? Does libido go up and down over time or based on age?
The sad thing is that, when a pastor speaks like this, people believe him. Wives may think that they shouldn't desire sex as much as they do desire it and may dial back on their initiation, which does a disservice to her and her spouse. Men may think that their sex drive is not to be denied, no matter what, and if "the pastor said so" overrides kindness, then that does a disservice to him and his spouse. To spin it a little further, it can lead to a man becoming of the opinion that because sex is so all important, it's okay to seek it elsewhere if his wife is incapable at any point of providing it (due to illness, childbirth etc.)

This is not what marriage should look like.

Marriage should be two people giving their utmost to each other, and working with kindness and love together. It should be two people who knew their expectations for sex when they married, and entered marriage fully aware and willing to meet each other's expectations - whether it's for an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] for her every time they have sex (and why not? He gets one every time!) or for them to have sex every single day (assuming no physical complications). If a man and a woman considering marriage cannot talk this over with their intended spouse, or cannot come to agreement, I would say do NOT get married. Sublimating your sexual desires is HARD. I have learned that over 13 years. Sure, it can be done, and if it's a cross someone has to bear, then that's just how it is, but don't go into marriage knowing that there is this wide gap in sexual desire.

Also, if your pastor talks like a blockhead and walks like a blockhead - find a new church. This man has nothing to teach on marriage.
 
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GraceDaily

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The sad thing is that, when a pastor speaks like this, people believe him. Wives may think that they shouldn't desire sex as much as they do desire it and may dial back on their initiation, which does a disservice to her and her spouse. Men may think that their sex drive is not to be denied, no matter what, and if "the pastor said so" overrides kindness, then that does a disservice to him and his spouse. To spin it a little further, it can lead to a man becoming of the opinion that because sex is so all important, it's okay to seek it elsewhere if his wife is incapable at any point of providing it (due to illness, childbirth etc.)

This is not what marriage should look like.

Marriage should be two people giving their utmost to each other, and working with kindness and love together. It should be two people who knew their expectations for sex when they married, and entered marriage fully aware and willing to meet each other's expectations - whether it's for an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] for her every time they have sex (and why not? He gets one every time!) or for them to have sex every single day (assuming no physical complications). If a man and a woman considering marriage cannot talk this over with their intended spouse, or cannot come to agreement, I would say do NOT get married. Sublimating your sexual desires is HARD. I have learned that over 13 years. Sure, it can be done, and if it's a cross someone has to bear, then that's just how it is, but don't go into marriage knowing that there is this wide gap in sexual desire.

Also, if your pastor talks like a blockhead and walks like a blockhead - find a new church. This man has nothing to teach on marriage.

I may have made him sound worse than he is! His overall message when talking about sex is that it should be about giving, not getting and in his points directed at the men it was very much about love and pleasing your wife rather than how to get. All the points he made individually did make sense, it was just that put altogether the message was that men want and women aren't bothered.

But yes I do think there were some dangers in what he said, and people do take everything he says as fact. I did feel like complaining! I'm not sure if I mentioend what he said about unmarried women in the first post...?

edit: No I didn't! He made one point to unmarried women: If you want to get married but don't want to have sex you're not ready for marriage (because "you're going to have to" basically) :waaah: WHO falls into that category??? A very small pool of people I imagine (and I'm not saying it's wrong if you do but that's a very rare case), I wouldn't be surprised if no one listening to his sermon could relate to that! Unbelievable! I told a friend of mine this last week and she couldn't believe it either!
 
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JaneFW

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I may have made him sound worse than he is! His overall message when talking about sex is that it should be about giving, not getting and in his points directed at the men it was very much about love and pleasing your wife rather than how to get. All the points he made individually did make sense, it was just that put altogether the message was that men want and women aren't bothered.

But yes I do think there were some dangers in what he said, and people do take everything he says as fact. I did feel like complaining! I'm not sure if I mentioend what he said about unmarried women in the first post...?
I agree with him about giving. I don't think it's just h usbands that should be pleasing wives, but also wives pleasing husbands, and in a perfect marriage (i.e. nobody's marriage that I know of) this is how marriage would work out all the time.

I don't agree that women aren't bothered.
 
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Speculative

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He made one point to unmarried women: If you want to get married but don't want to have sex you're not ready for marriage (because "you're going to have to" basically) :waaah: WHO falls into that category??? A very small pool of people I imagine (and I'm not saying it's wrong if you do but that's a very rare case), I wouldn't be surprised if no one listening to his sermon could relate to that! Unbelievable! I told a friend of mine this last week and she couldn't believe it either!
He is spot on once again. Just because two people couldn't relate to it doesn't mean that it isn't applicable to the majority of Christian women. It is and it is good advice.

For many Christian men it takes years to educate and train their wives about the woman's responsibility and role in marriage--because of the Satanic influence of modern feminism and other factors, many never succeed.

For those women who want to follow Christ, it is good for them to be under the wise teaching of a pastor like this one and learn this BEFORE they get married.
 
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GraceDaily

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Women's Rights in the West (and I'm not directing this at you Jane, or anyone else in particular - it's just a general rant) really gets my goat because there are places where women really don't have rights, where the concept of a woman enjoying sex is entirely laughable, where people really do believe that women don't deserve an education because their purpose is to be a sex toy and housekeeper for their husbands, and where young girls are having their sexual organs mutilated. I'm not saying that the wrongs that are done against women in the West don't count because greater wrongs are being done elsewhere, but I just don't understand Western women saying that they don't have sexual freedom. Really ladies? I mean, really? If you genuinely feel hard-done-by because we in the West don't have the freedom to express ourselves sexually you need to travel a little bit!

We are obviously in a much better position than women in those societies which I am hugely grateful for, but there are still double standards in our culture.

He is spot on once again. Just because two people couldn't relate to it doesn't mean that it isn't applicable to the majority of Christian women. It is and it is good advice.

For many Christian men it takes years to educate and train their wives about the woman's responsibility and role in marriage--because of the Satanic influence of modern feminism and other factors, many never succeed.

For those women who want to follow Christ, it is good for them to be under the wise teaching of a pastor like this one and learn this BEFORE they get married.

Your posts absolutely mystify me. Doesn't the fact that other women in this thread are disagreeing with you mean anything? And it's not just two people, I have had many female friends in my life and not one of them falls into that category, all of them would laugh in the face of his comment! And the bit about men having to train their wives is just offensive and completely warped.
 
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JaneFW

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The vast majority of women have a good sex drive, know what sex is exactly (no it's not hugs and kisses, that would be affection), and desire to have it with their husbands. They don't need to be trained in these things because, like men, they were made to have a sexual relationship when they became adult. Women, like men, were made sexual BY God, and to deny that God made them sexual is denying God's creation, His plan and His intent for marriage. It's sheer foolishness.
 
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Redheadedstepchild

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Thread is still closed for review. However I wanted to remind everyone of the SoP. Married members may ONLY respond to the OP and NOT to each other.




Fellowship forum for the purpose of answering questions from singles. Married members can respond to the the thread. All responses must be made to the OP, and the OP can ask follow-up questions. Debate is not allowed in this forum. All of the site wide rules of Christian Forums apply (those rules can be found here).
 
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LadyOfMystery

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This thread has went through a thread clean up. Remember, this thread is to help Singles who post in here asking questions, not bicker back and forth with each other about others opinions.

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Dave-W

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Hey - way old thread here but a good question.

One said that her drive went up with more good sex and down with less. That is a typical female pattern. Her husband wanted it more the less he got. Typical male pattern.

But everyone is different and the typical patterns are true only of a large percentage of people. A lot of people do not fit the average pattern.

In bible times, the opposite of the OP's question was considered the norm - that women had the higher drives and their satisfaction was more important to God. The pervasive attitude in both testaments' cultures was "Sex was a wife's right and a husband's responsibility." In the 2nd temple period we know the marriage contracts spelled out how much she should expect (based on the husband's line of work) and in many cases it was every day. Surviving court documents show that it happened sometimes the wife would legally force the husband to change jobs so she could have more sex.

So when you read in the bible about not denying your partner, keep this tidbit in the back of your mind.
 
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Wow that must have been nice. Plus with the arranged marraiges. Now days so many men are treated like lepers.

Also I would imagin that employers would be compelled to give good recommendations (or at least barred from giving bad ones) for a husband who left a remote site job to go have more sex with his wife.

Hey - way old thread here but a good question.

One said that her drive went up with more good sex and down with less. That is a typical female pattern. Her husband wanted it more the less he got. Typical male pattern.

But everyone is different and the typical patterns are true only of a large percentage of people. A lot of people do not fit the average pattern.

In bible times, the opposite of the OP's question was considered the norm - that women had the higher drives and their satisfaction was more important to God. The pervasive attitude in both testaments' cultures was "Sex was a wife's right and a husband's responsibility." In the 2nd temple period we know the marriage contracts spelled out how much she should expect (based on the husband's line of work) and in many cases it was every day. Surviving court documents show that it happened sometimes the wife would legally force the husband to change jobs so she could have more sex.

So when you read in the bible about not denying your partner, keep this tidbit in the back of your mind.
 
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Dave-W

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See the really WEIRD thing abou this is, except for the last 100 years, western society said women had no sex drive at all. That was reported by Hypocrates (the father of western medicine) in the year 400 bc.

Did women have problems from not having [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]? Yes. But Hypocrates attributed it to a disease he called "hysteria" and western medicine followed suit until about 1900 when all of a sudden someone "discovered" women had that drive too. It was not until about 1950 that hysteria was finally retired as a medical diagnosis.

So if society says you have no drive, and if you think that what you feel is something else entirely; of course men will always have the higher drive. Even though it was never true.

So now we are finally catching up to what Judaism knew 3000 years ago - women have a higher sex drive (on average) than men.
 
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Mrs Awesome

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My knee-jerk reaction is to respond saying, "Actually, women want sex MORE than men! Society (and apparently your pastor) just wants you to think otherwise!" <--- This is based off of my own personal experiences and what I hear my friends say about theirs.

But then I realized that's a generalization and those don't get us anywhere productive. :p

Basically, everyone is different. One man might be a sex hound and one woman may choose to abstain all of her life. While this guy over here isn't sexual at all, but his wife is wanting it all the time. Everyone. Is. Different.

God created us as sexual beings and created marriage as a way to express those sexual desires - to whatever degree or level works for the couple, while staying within in Christianly boundaries (i.e.: sex three times a week, but no inappropriate content). To claim that men are the only gender that wants it is blatantly sexist and it makes me wonder what other iffy things your pastor preaches?
 
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Dave-W

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I am not so much convinced that the pastor WANTS us to think one way or the other but is teaching from an out of date understanding. And is reading the bible thru dark sunglasses that make him miss much of what is there.

The bible seems to be somewhat neutral on sex for men but very PRO SEX for women. Of course the ancient church fathers used that to "prove" that Judaism was wrong. (We know better than that book written by Jews) THere are no boundaries except for not having sex with anyone else but your spouse and no sex during menses. (comes under inappropriate contentia/fornication prohibited in Acts 15)

BTW - the only place the bible talks at any length about masturbation is in Song of Solomon chapter 5 and it is Shulamite is so engaged (fingers dripping with "myrrh") and it is cast in a positive light.
 
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LinkH

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My pastor spoke a few weeks back on sex, it is the first time he's delivered a message which I have felt so strongly opposed to! To the point I'm still mad about it now, hence me taking it up here to get some further opinions. I'd like very honest, frank answers so thanks in advance for sharing on an intimate subject. Apologies if any similar threads have been made before.

In a nutshell, he made it sound like men are desperate for sex until the day they die and women could take it or leave it. I am single and a virgin but even I know most women want sex probably just as much as men do! So I'd really like to know from married Christians what your experience/views are on men vs. women in the libido department (I've already done some research into this in the secular world but I suppose waiting until marriage could make a difference to things). Do women want it as much? Ever initiate it? Does libido go up and down over time or based on age?

I've heard a speaker on a Christian radio talking about this. She said in 80% of marriages, men wanted sex more often than women, and in 20% it was reversed. Those sounded sort of like off-the-cuff stats. There would have to be some equally matched middle ground. I suspect the stats are roughly true.

There are marriages where the man isn't interested and the woman is.

Before marriage, with virgins, both man and woman may want sex. Maybe they want it just as much. But after they get married and they've already had it that week, the man wants sex and the woman doesn't (or vice versa). The question doesn't really make as much sense when you are talking about two people who don't have any sex at all as it does when you are talking about people who have sex and considering their preferences for frequency.

I've also heard of cases where men wanted to have a lot of sex when they were young and full of testosterone, but their desire went down with age as testosterone decreased.

There is also the fact that some men want sex with their wives before there is any stimuli to 'warm them up.' But a woman might want to be treated a certain way or put in a certain mood first. If her husband comes home and sweet talks her, hugs and kisses her, she might be interested. But if he's busy or just ignores her until 10 o'clock, and then says, "Let's do it", she may be uninterested. It's not that she has no interest. It's just that she needs a little help getting in the right frame of mind to show interest.

The pastor could have been speaking from his own experience with his wife or his experience with individuals or couples he had counseled in the past. Maybe has read some statistics.
 
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