I have different kinds of ocd (obsessive compulsive disorder) for many years now and in all those years I've managed to live with my ocd. I tried seeking help with psychologists and got medicines, but because of the side effects I quit taking medicines. For some reason I also quit seeing psychologists and thought I could just live with my ocd since it wasn't that severe.
I go to church since I was kid, so I also prayed for my ocd. But it didn't go away. During my late teens I decided to choose for Jesus Christ and was baptized. After that I still have ocd and it even got worse. I always thought it's because I still was kind of rebellious and wasn't living a good christian life.
Now I'm in my late 20's and since last year it has gotten so worse that I realized I should get serious help again and be more serious about my faith. I went to the psychologist again, I let people prayed for me in church and putting oil on my forehead. I also did fasting a few days before Easter, which I have never done before.
Since a few weeks it's getting better. A few of my ocd's are starting to go away and I have faith that soon they will be gone forever. Thoughts are still popping up in my head though, but I can ignore it. I really believe it's because of the prayers and fasting and because I become more serious with my faith. I also think that God thinks it's time for me to cure since I live with this torment for years. I feel like I can soon close this adolescent period of my life and live a new adult life without ocd.
There is only one ocd which is still too strong of letting me go. The hardest ocd is making promises and thinking about it whether I made a promise or not and being afraid of the negative consequences.
It goes like this: I make the promise to a little voice in my head (not a schizophrenic voice) or I make the promise to God. Then I attach a negative consequence to the promise to make sure I won't break it. This negative consequence is quite vague. It's just a thought that is bothering me for a while like pain or death and when I make the promise I vaguely attach the thought as a negative consequence. I never speak out these promises, it always happen in my mind. And it goes so quickly that after that I don't even know whether I made a promise to the little voice or to God and whether the negative consequence is valid because it was so vague.
I made so many promises that I don't even know anymore which promises I made to the little voice or to God. If it's to the little voice I'm not scared to break it, since I think it just me talking to myself. But if it's to God then it's serious business. But thinking about the fact that I have ocd I figured those promises are not valid, since I never made those promises with a healthy mind. I make those promises automatically, like it's a habit. Sometimes I don't even know anymore whether I made a promise about something or not. The promises are about silly things where a normal person would not make a promise about. If I have to keep those promises my life would be very limited like I would live in prison or something. I'm really scared and insecure and I feel like I'm sinning everyday because of these promises. Every time I do something, which I think I made a promise about of not doing it, I feel guilty for some reason, like it's my conscious who tells me I shouldn't do it and reminds me of that vague promise I might have made. I really don't know what the answer is and I'm scared that if I die God will hold me accountable for these broken promises. I'm also scared for the negative consequences of broken promises. I'm scared it will come true and if it's not today or this year, then maybe about 5 years for example. I have no idea whether this is all true and valid and that I should be worried or that It's just an illusion of satan to torment me and that I have worried for nothing.
I go to church since I was kid, so I also prayed for my ocd. But it didn't go away. During my late teens I decided to choose for Jesus Christ and was baptized. After that I still have ocd and it even got worse. I always thought it's because I still was kind of rebellious and wasn't living a good christian life.
Now I'm in my late 20's and since last year it has gotten so worse that I realized I should get serious help again and be more serious about my faith. I went to the psychologist again, I let people prayed for me in church and putting oil on my forehead. I also did fasting a few days before Easter, which I have never done before.
Since a few weeks it's getting better. A few of my ocd's are starting to go away and I have faith that soon they will be gone forever. Thoughts are still popping up in my head though, but I can ignore it. I really believe it's because of the prayers and fasting and because I become more serious with my faith. I also think that God thinks it's time for me to cure since I live with this torment for years. I feel like I can soon close this adolescent period of my life and live a new adult life without ocd.
There is only one ocd which is still too strong of letting me go. The hardest ocd is making promises and thinking about it whether I made a promise or not and being afraid of the negative consequences.
It goes like this: I make the promise to a little voice in my head (not a schizophrenic voice) or I make the promise to God. Then I attach a negative consequence to the promise to make sure I won't break it. This negative consequence is quite vague. It's just a thought that is bothering me for a while like pain or death and when I make the promise I vaguely attach the thought as a negative consequence. I never speak out these promises, it always happen in my mind. And it goes so quickly that after that I don't even know whether I made a promise to the little voice or to God and whether the negative consequence is valid because it was so vague.
I made so many promises that I don't even know anymore which promises I made to the little voice or to God. If it's to the little voice I'm not scared to break it, since I think it just me talking to myself. But if it's to God then it's serious business. But thinking about the fact that I have ocd I figured those promises are not valid, since I never made those promises with a healthy mind. I make those promises automatically, like it's a habit. Sometimes I don't even know anymore whether I made a promise about something or not. The promises are about silly things where a normal person would not make a promise about. If I have to keep those promises my life would be very limited like I would live in prison or something. I'm really scared and insecure and I feel like I'm sinning everyday because of these promises. Every time I do something, which I think I made a promise about of not doing it, I feel guilty for some reason, like it's my conscious who tells me I shouldn't do it and reminds me of that vague promise I might have made. I really don't know what the answer is and I'm scared that if I die God will hold me accountable for these broken promises. I'm also scared for the negative consequences of broken promises. I'm scared it will come true and if it's not today or this year, then maybe about 5 years for example. I have no idea whether this is all true and valid and that I should be worried or that It's just an illusion of satan to torment me and that I have worried for nothing.
