OCD is destroying my faith... HELP!

Worried One and Fealty,
I have been gone on vacation with my family for a couple days and just got back on to see what had been written. Fealty, very encouraged by your comments, sound similar to mine. One illustration I remember hearing from a "recovered" ocd person that I feel is true of me now is this: "Before meds/therapy ocd was like the house I lived in. All around me and constantly controlling my thoughts. After meds/therapy I sitll have ocd, but it is like a wall hanging in my house. I know it is there and sometimes I notice it as I pass by, but I can walk by and ignore it." Worried One, I think if you are to the place where you feel you "can't go on or just want to give up" you are ready to get better! You are the one that has to go after help--others really can't help you, not even us. Your brain is having a problem doing what it is supposed to and like Fealty said, the more you "try" or "study" or "learn about" whatever the obssession is, the more you will obssess....you are actually making the ocd worse. I read tons of material when I discovered this was the monster I had been dealing with, just went to our local library and checked out books on suject. There was enough in them that was soooo like my symptoms that it was a great comfort and education just reading and convinced me I needed the help. I also really ended up getting the help I needed because I had an anxiety attack over it all--actually literally felt I was going crazy...for real. It was very, very scary. So don't let it go that far before you get help. You won't actually lose your mind, but you feel that you are. Like Fealty, I also dealt with issues of immorality as a teen, thoughts that I was or wanted to be a lesbian, wanted to sexually molest children, etc. And I remember trying so hard to stop those thoughts and yet I just made myself think them even more by trying to block them! Then it shifted to more religious areas, such as salvation, in my 18-20 yr. range. But I still had a lot of the immoral type thots too, just the focus was now on salvation/faith. It wasn't until I was diagnosed in my 40's that I realized I still had some ocd with those former issues. I just had learned to "live" with it. I would often move my kids to sit beside me instead of on my lap, for instance, instead of dealing with the thot. Also had a minor "checking" problem--I could leave the house ok, but would check esp. the stove/irons several times to make sure they were turned off. The thing was I would look at it (the stove) and get to the door and my brain would tell me "You didn't look at it." So I would go look at it again and so on. I would just make myself on like the 3rd time. Those things that were clearly physical also helped convince me that it was a brain issue.

Ok, all that to say, Worried One, please get help as Fealty and I both did. If you knew you had cancer you would go get help, right? This is a physical illness that also greatly affects your spiritual and emotional well-being. God does not want you to have to live in this state of no peace and worry either and has given doctors wisdom to know more about mental disorders just so you and I can be helped!

Hoping you find HIS JOY and PEACE in the NEW YEAR!!
KerrySue

How long have you been on the meds? It takes a lot longer for SSRI's to work on OCD than depression. And yes, I am pretty sure it is OCD or you wouldn't be obsessing about it. Are you having anxiety along with the obsessions? And a lot of fear? If so then it is for sure OCD...

I don't think there is a "regular" amount for OCD patients. My doctor never indicated that at all. And she also told me the different meds work differently for different people, there are at least 8 different kinds. Like Fealty said, they can take a couple months before they really work too. I tried Prozac at first and it did not work at all for me. Then I tried Venlafaxine (Effexor) which we just kept upping until it worked well enough that I really felt nearly "cured". My doc said I should not be having those urges to obssess so strongly at all, and she was right, but it did take several months before I got up to taking 300 mg. I also was seeing a pyschiatrist during that time and it did help to talk things out and break some old habits of thinking too, but definitely could tell when the medicine was doing its job. Does your doctor have much experience with OCD patients? I am down to only taking 75 mg daily now just in the last months as I've tried weaning off the meds. I can tell I have some urges to worry again but it's not nearly like it was a few years back. I do think it sounds like OCD. Have you read much literature about ocd? That really helped me to realize what I was dealing with. Also, just wanted to say concerning your feeling of "losing your faith". There are many Scripture passages but a couple that come to my mind concerning this that would maybe be helpful to meditate on are Rom. 8:38,39 about nothing separating us from the love of God--not even "powers or principalities"...not even ourselves. Salvation is not dependent on our faith (how could it be when our best faith is puny, rotten rags to a perfect, holy, awesome God?). Salvation is dependent on God ALONE and all you do is accept it. By saying you want it, you now cannot lose it even if you feel like your mind is saying you want to lose it or whatever. I spent a lot of time meditating also on Psalm 139 and realizing that David also felt like he was "losing his faith" and that God had abandoned him many, many times. I believe he must have suffered from severe depression at least. Anyway, it tells us there that we can feel we are going to the deepest "hell" but even there God is with us.

Hang in there and yes, I do think you can feel better than you are right now. We've all been where you are and come out the other side, and you will too!

I was right there WorriedOne. Everything you are saying is exactly what I've been through. I know God will pull you through this dark time in your life and I also think, like me, you will be closer to Him after it is done. I also agree with Kerrysue about literature on OCD. I wanted to suggest a book that my therapist told me to read. It helped ALOT to understand the details of OCD. It's called "The Imp of the Mind" by Lee Baer. Good read. I sometimes wonder if Satan uses our OCD to scare us away from God and keep us from doing God's will. This life is a battle b/t good and evil and He will use anything he can sometimes. But I know OCD is scary and I really hope all of our advice helps.

Friend,

Do you mean this verse?


But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News. The Good News has been preached all over the world, and I, Paul, have been appointed as God’s servant to proclaim it.

This does NOT mean that you can't doubt! This is a command to keep strong in the Gospel, and to not drift away from it. I read this as Paul telling people to remain encouraged by and focused on the Gospel. All that God asks of us is to TRUST Jesus as our savior, not to be without doubt. There can be NO faith without the possibility of doubt! It just doesn't make sense!

If you have trusted in Christ as your savior, you are saved. No doubts or fleeting thoughts or feelings caused by your OCD can change this.

And always be very careful when reading Bible verses! Your OCD can blow them way out of context and proportion. Remember this!

I was indeed referring to Colossians 1:22.

Matthew 11: 4 - 6
4 Jesus replied, “Go back and report to John what you hear and see: 5 The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor. 6 Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me.”

'Blessed' does not mean 'saved'. We ALL stumble in doubt! But that doesn't mean we aren't saved.

Worried One, I too spent many years trying to find answers to my doubts in the Bible and it seemed to only cause more and also had a terrible time going to church and listening to sermons because of this! Satan would love to use ocd to keep you from His Word and from a peaceful, joyful relationship with Him. I found out that a symptom of OCD is trying to find answers and feeling you don't understand or trying to "have faith", etc--a book I read stated that the OCD person is often the most learned one in the very area they feel they cannot grasp. And right when you think you have heard or found an answer to a doubt and sense relief, another one emerges or the very answer creates another branch to the doubt. I lived with these things for years and years. You really need to to get the right medicines and probably talk to a professional ocd therapist/pysch before you will be able to get ahold of this. In the mean time--I recommend instead of trying to find "answers" just read and read the Psalms. David also was confused in his mind and severely depressed and filled with doubts yet he clung to God. And please believe you have OCD and get help!

U still doubt kerrysue?

How do u know what doubt is OCD?

I have passing doubts now and then, but it is not all consuming like before. I have shared before, after therapy and on meds that work, ocd is like a wall hanging on a wall of my house. It is still there but just a little part of me that I can choose to walk by and sometimes now I even forget it is there. Before OCD was my entire house.

My advice is to get whatever physical part you can, taken care of through psych and medicines. Don't worry about what is ocd and what is normal "doubt". You are not in a position mentally right now to determine that. It is not God who wants you to figure that out. "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind".

Believe me, it will not work to continue to try to solve this on your own. You actually only make the ocd worse as you try to analyze and ruminate and study it out more.

What happens if I find out it is me.

Raven and Worried One,
I worried too that I would discover when I was "in my right mind" that I truly wasn't saved. Is that what you mean? I was even afraid of getting the help because I was afraid it would make my mind think something that I really didn't have control in it thinking. Does that even make sense to you? Like taking the medicine or having a psych tell me the doubts were ocd would convince me I was saved and then when I died I would discover I wasn't and go to hell. Is this what you are thinking?

I went ahead in spite of these worries because my doctor assured me that taking the medicines wasn't going to alter my thinking to where I wasn't in control of my thoughts. And because it is now a proven fact that people that have these characteristic obssessive thoughts like you and I have have something wrong with the serotonin and its function. Until you get that to work right, you can't trust your thoughts! So, instead of making you think "wrong", it will actually make you think "right".

The other thing that helped me is to think of the worst case scenario: What if you take medicines and get therapy and find out you really aren't saved and don't "believe". Ok, then you will believe and get saved, right?!

I did have to change in some of my habits of thinking and underlying truths of God's Word. That is why it is so important to find a solid, Biblical psych/counselor who is experienced in OCD. God wants you saved and to have certainty of your salvation more than you do, so if you aren't, He will see to that. I would also recommend getting this pamphlet called "OCD--Freedom for the Obssessive Compulsive" by Michael R. Emlet put out by P & R Publishing from Phillipsburg, NJ. A relative of mine told me about this counseling place they felt was really good for ocd patients in PA and that is what this booklet is from, a ministry there. I looked it up online and ordered myself the pamphlet as we lived no where near there. The counseling place in PA is The Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation in Glenside, PA.

Yeah that is what I am afraid of. If I go to therapy and still doubt after I treat OCD it is inexcusable and how can you just say ok it isn't OCD I will believe because I will still be doubting. That doesn't make sense. Not to mention that doesn't matter therw is no such thing as Ocd causing doubt God exists.