Communication and Feelings in Marriage

Psalm63 · Oct 15, 2011

Conservativation said:
This is relevant because it addresses sources used. If this is off base, then so are any outside articles. Its perfectly on topic.

Ive always wondered about the battle of articles on quasi / pseudo Christian pop psych ish things. There are legions of people out there set to redefine the Bible.

So how is the communication in your marriage going?

Sounds like you object to programs like Retrouvaille and Marriage Encounter which attempt to help people restore their marriages (with some success, I might add)?

I recall another fellow, Zogi, who had similar objections and would not even consider trying Retrouvaille or any other program because of his fear that the "weren't Biblical" and he was going to get "led astray". Their 25 year marriage ended in divorce

Why don't you start another thread with your solutions? It's really off topic for this thread which is about communications and feelings in marriage with a respectful rather than critical tone toward programs aimed to assist in fostering healthy communications.

Conservativation · Oct 15, 2011

Ive no objection to any marriage program, and communication in my marriage grows better by the day, and its very good. The closeness that may come from the sharing and intimacy the weekends create is great. My wife and I both look at the romper room style rules they have and say, nah, if either of us did that it would be fake, and dishonest. We are open and plain spoken, it works better than following a set of cue cards....for us.

Im not Zogi, far far from it.

Im not sure why my posts, since way at the beginning, are anything even about this. Its temporally out of kilter to raise it now.

hijklmnop · Oct 15, 2011

McScribe said:
I feel like there are entirely two different kinds of conversations that take place in this kind of thread. One becomes a kind of women's consciousness raising session after a while, the other is the rest of us. It's like there is no difference between some guy using manipulation to get sex and another guy just wanting marriage to be a two way street.

Doesn't exactly raise a lot of hope. Like guys are willing to admit that they are more likely to have an issue with inappropriate contentography. It's like women would rather say "I'm being TOO NICE and that's my sin." it really does seem like that.

Nope. I can state clearly what my sin issues have been, and I will since I get the feeling I'm one of the women you were referring to.

Mine were putting "staying married" as my top priority in life which hurt my kids (as they were living in a dysfunctional, damaging environment) and enabled my husband to stay mired in sin, idolizing my h over my God (much more focus on pleasing him than Him), dishonesty (fake front to others re. our life), pride (in our often fake happy life), being judgemental of others ("I'LL never get divorced"), out-of-control anger at times towards my h and my kids (my worst shame), and cowardice (wanting the comforts of marriage and social rewards of the appearance of a successful life more than anything which caused me to sweep issues under the rug, enable sin, and even PARTICIPATE (blech) in sin/lowing my own moral values to keep my h satisfied).

I don't call that being "too nice". I'm disturbed by how far gone my former self was...and pray every day that I don't lose the lessons I've learned over this past year.

PS. I WANT marriage to be a two-way street. Not men-rule NOR women-rule.

chaz345 · Oct 15, 2011

Psalm63 said:
Ditto. My husband has made some very good changes. He uses a few tools like "tell me more" and the kids tease him about it because it comes off as sort of "pretend empathy", but it still helps. MUCH better than the bad old days.

I would bet a lot that there are times when he is faking it. But does that really matter if its not all the time? I mean if your exchange with him still results in your feelings being addressed within yourself, does it really matter if he actually understood them?

chaz345 · Oct 15, 2011

Psalm63 said:
So how is the communication in your marriage going?

Sounds like you object to programs like Retrouvaille and Marriage Encounter which attempt to help people restore their marriages (with some success, I might add)?

I recall another fellow, Zogi, who had similar objections and would not even consider trying Retrouvaille or any other program because of his fear that the "weren't Biblical" and he was going to get "led astray". Their 25 year marriage ended in divorce

Why don't you start another thread with your solutions? It's really off topic for this thread which is about communications and feelings in marriage with a respectful rather than critical tone toward programs aimed to assist in fostering healthy communications.

Really? You're going to jump on Ed fro being "off topic" with a comment about articles and at the same time bring up a years old subject from another forum? And on top of that you are going to grossly distort that other situation to make the man look worse? For the record, what he was refusing was Joel and Kathy and any other program that was going to require that he take the position the each and every thing wrong with their marriage was 100% his fault. In fact if I remember correctly, at the end his wife was stubbornly saying that the only program she would accept is J & K. A position she was urged into by you and a few others.

mkgal1 · Oct 15, 2011

Psalm63 said:
So how is the communication in your marriage going?

Sounds like you object to programs like Retrouvaille and Marriage Encounter which attempt to help people restore their marriages (with some success, I might add)?

I recall another fellow, Zogi, who had similar objections and would not even consider trying Retrouvaille or any other program because of his fear that the "weren't Biblical" and he was going to get "led astray". Their 25 year marriage ended in divorce

Why don't you start another thread with your solutions? It's really off topic for this thread which is about communications and feelings in marriage with a respectful rather than critical tone toward programs aimed to assist in fostering healthy communications.

This is relevant as well, and isn't off topic at all.....because when people reject certain marital counsel with the objection of "that isn't Biblical" when they haven't even gone through it, but "will not consider it".........that's based on feelings (normally...FEAR or pride).

Conservativation · Oct 15, 2011

mkgal1 said:
This is relevant as well, and isn't off topic at all.....because when people reject certain marital counsel with the objection of "that isn't Biblical" when they haven't even gone through it, but "will not consider it".........that's based on feelings (normally...FEAR or pride).

When I am irritated in a traffic jam, thats based on feelings. So, is traffic and its patterns in various cities therefore on topic?

That guy Zogi was from another forum 3 or 4 years ago. You claim that because it involved feelings its relevant? Sheesh everything is relevant then unless we can speak in and about Fortran

mkgal1 · Oct 15, 2011

Conservativation said:
When I am irritated in a traffic jam, thats based on feelings. So, is traffic and its patterns in various cities therefore on topic?

That guy Zogi was from another forum 3 or 4 years ago. You claim that because it involved feelings its relevant? Sheesh everything is relevant then unless we can speak in and about Fortran

The point wasn't Zogi....the point was (the way I'm understanding it, anyway) that we can be deceived by our "feelings" if we don't learn how to use them, instead of them using us. IOW....babies are getting thrown out with the bath water based on unfair judgment.

chaz345 · Oct 15, 2011

mkgal1 said:
This is relevant as well, and isn't off topic at all.....because when people reject certain marital counsel with the objection of "that isn't Biblical" when they haven't even gone through it, but "will not consider it".........that's based on feelings (normally...FEAR or pride).

Actually making it personal by questioning him about his own marriage is borderline goading, something she does with great regularity.

Psalm63 · Oct 15, 2011

Conservativation said:
Ive no objection to any marriage program, and communication in my marriage grows better by the day, and its very good. The closeness that may come from the sharing and intimacy the weekends create is great. My wife and I both look at the romper room style rules they have and say, nah, if either of us did that it would be fake, and dishonest. We are open and plain spoken, it works better than following a set of cue cards....for us.

Good. Very good. You should share more positive threads about experiences and interactions with your wife and invite her to join the forum. Perhaps your marvelous relationship and communication could be a good role model to others?

Nevertheless, getting some outside help for a distressed marriage is good as long as it works and I don't really care if I don't agree with every jot and tittle of the "sources" the marriage ministry uses.

Some people are afraid that Retrouvaille is going to make them be Catholic or J & K are going to make them be submissive to their wives. Because of their FEAR, they will latch onto any little criticism.

In my judgment, you don't help people when you validate their criticisms of marriage help programs (which you did earlier with your psycho-whatever stmt).

Instead, they should be encouraged to give it a try. such as "You are already separated and on the road to divorce. What do you have to lose?"

Psalm63 · Oct 15, 2011

chaz345 said:
at the end his wife was stubbornly saying that the only program she would accept is J & K. A position she was urged into by you and a few others.
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You remember incorrectly.

My friend Nancy would have been happy to attend Retrouvaille.

Psalm63 · Oct 15, 2011

mkgal1 said:
This is relevant as well, and isn't off topic at all.....because when people reject certain marital counsel with the objection of "that isn't Biblical" when they haven't even gone through it, but "will not consider it".........that's based on feelings (normally...FEAR or pride).

ITA

And it really shows a wife how little the marriage is valued. Just not worth swallowing the fear and pride and laying down even one weekend of time...

JaneFW · Oct 15, 2011

Psalm63 said:
I recall another fellow, Zogi, who had similar objections and would not even consider trying Retrouvaille or any other program because of his fear that the "weren't Biblical" and he was going to get "led astray". Their 25 year marriage ended in divorce

Ah, I wondered about the Zogi's. I'm not entirely surprised, but I am saddened that their marriage ended in divorce.

CoolMom6 · Oct 15, 2011

Hi Jane and everyone! I have to take some time again to review all the sections and posts, but I'm an oldster on here who just returned...

I remember Zogi too...how sad...

Psalm63 · Oct 15, 2011

CoolMom6 said:
Hi Jane and everyone! I have to take some time again to review all the sections and posts, but I'm an oldster on here who just returned...

I remember Zogi too...how sad...

((((((((CoolMom6)))))))))))

How are you?

I don't remember the "6"

Do you have SIX children?

dallasapple · Oct 15, 2011

Hey Cool Mom!!!!!

dallasapple · Oct 15, 2011

JaneFW said:
Ah, I wondered about the Zogi's. I'm not entirely surprised, but I am saddened that their marriage ended in divorce.

They got the divorce to my memory while we were all still on FL..she went on to work in the field of making dentures from the molds/impressions of the patients I remember that..

As far as Im concerned?Im not pro-divorce but the issues they had went around in circles and Im of the opinion they were better off apart..She was definately happier without him..and he seemed more indiffernt himself..not real "sad" about it..it was more IMHO a control thing/ego thing at that point.He made mention of enjoying beign able to relax in his lazy boy without her around ..and he got to have his "clean" house ..So I dont know how "sad" I am about it but not too much..if they are both happier which they seemed to be..

JMHO..

Dallas

CoolMom6 · Oct 15, 2011

dallasapple said:
Hey Cool Mom!!!!!

Hey beautiful friend, I missed you~ :hug:

CoolMom6 · Oct 15, 2011

Psalm63 said:
((((((((CoolMom6)))))))))))

How are you?

I don't remember the "6"

Do you have SIX children?

Hey P63!! Well, when I remarried I gained two more sons.

I usually say that I have 5 though, because my one stepson who is in college in CA, doesn't come here much when he is on vacation, he spends more time with mom or grandma, but that's okay.

Thanks for the hugs; I needed them and am really glad to be here.

chaz345 · Oct 15, 2011

Conservativation said:
Ive no objection to any marriage program, and communication in my marriage grows better by the day, and its very good. The closeness that may come from the sharing and intimacy the weekends create is great. My wife and I both look at the romper room style rules they have and say, nah, if either of us did that it would be fake, and dishonest. We are open and plain spoken, it works better than following a set of cue cards....for us.

Im not Zogi, far far from it.

Im not sure why my posts, since way at the beginning, are anything even about this. Its temporally out of kilter to raise it now.

A point that bears mentioning is that for a couple who is doing well, yes the communication rules from such seminars will feel romper room and doing it that way will feel fake at first. But for a couple that has fallen into patterns of unhealthy communication, the rules can provide a framework to interact and communicate without further hurt and damage occuring. As the communication pattern becomes more healthy, the rules naturally relax and things start to be a lot more natural.

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