Do we have to honor abusive parents?

Johnnz said:

we can honour only what is honourable. Where parents are abusive they have dishonoured their own parenthood. In such circumstances it is important to keep bitterness away, and in many cases continue with some contact, but no so as to expose yourself to further abuse. While they won't accept their wrong behaviour you can never feel really good about them, and this is OK.

John
NZ

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I agree. I don't feel God would ever want us to stay with people who were abusing us and causing us to self-destruct mentally. An erosion of the spirit occurs with abuse, sometimes slow and sometimes shockingly fast. Getting away from that is the best thing you can do to save yourself. If it's not happening anymore, the same thing still stands, you cannot respect who does not or did not respect you.

You honor because they gave you birth, but they have deserved nothing to earn respect. My parents were abusive to me and when I finally got out of the situation my mom sent a small bible highlighting all the passages that said I had to honor my parents. At the time of course I hated them. I learned that I had to honor them for giving me birth and some of the needs they fulfilled, but nothing else.

Ephesians 6:4
Colossians 3:21
Titus 2:6

Matthew 18:6

If obeying God is not listening to your parents than you are doing what is right in the Lords eyes

As with many things in life, everything requires balance. I dont believe that obedience to parents without discernment of right and wrong is what God wants. I do not believe that honoring the behavior of parents who are abusive is what God wants.

However, we can honor others that are sinful, by accepting them as beings, created in the image of God, but not accepting their sinful behavior; keeping in mind that we ourselves are sinful in our own way. I also believe that one way to honor a sinful person, is to separate from them, so that they can experience the fruits of their behavior. But this option should be done in love, not anger.

Honor only the behavior which becomes parenthood and not the abuse. I know, it's tough when they have OCD towards attacking you when and where they feel safe to do so. It isn't necessary to be friends with your parents.

arielette said:

I am experiencing exactly what you are saying -- I have been telling myself if I have faith in God, I can handle it -- however after every contact I feel like another piece of my soul has gone missing --

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Well, this may sound dumb and overly simplistic, but a better way for me to explain what I think is sort of like this. People keep themselves away from certain types of temptation they think will lead to eventual sins. Some people believe that sleeping in a bed together will lead to sex and so don't do it. Some people are against certain types of films or music because they believe it makes them think thoughts that are more unpure and that later will lead them down the wrong road. Having faith in God gets you through much and is of the upmost important, but because in an abusive situation can sometimes be like those above examples. If a person is being abused emotionally, for example, they will try to keep their spirit strong and theirselves whole. Eventually though, after abuse that doesn't quit, they slowly start to doubt themselves and lose self esteem. They're not around temptation exactly, but around negative influences that pollute. Faith in God helps but since none of us are made in stone, most will falter a bit eventually. This is why I think God would want a person to leave if they are able. To preserve what he thinks is good and for you to be the best you can be, which doesn't coincide with being abused and slowly destroyed. Hope I made sense?

I think I would also like to mention that forgiveness is not so much for the benefit of the person being forgiven, but for the benefit of the person that is forgiving. Not long ago, I was killing myself with alcohol, trying to wash away pain in my life because of resentments that I have developed over the years. I came to accept that I was an alcoholic. I finally realized that I would only recover if I was able to see others as fallen, sinful people, just as I am. And forgive them, even though they did not deserve it, just as I do not deserve forgiveness for the things I have done. This is the example that Jesus set for us. But even in forgiveness, Jesus did not accept their sinful behavior.

So, now I work hard to forgive and have pity on those that harm me, but I don't accept sinful behavior as ok behavior. Am I perfect in this? NO. Sometimes I retaliate, sometimes I get angry, sometimes I bury my feelings, but this change in my state of mind has done wonders for my wellbeing. I am still a work in progress.

arielette said:

...the pain sometimes overwhelms me too...

I have heard it said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies -- sometimes that poison comes in the form of alcohol. Sadly when we turn to it, the only ones we hurt are ourselves and in a way it perpetuates the abuse.

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Yes, and sometimes being unforgiving is an easier pill to swallow than forgiveness, at least initially. But, as I said earlier, everything requires balance. I am afraid I may have encouraged one side of the balance too heavily in my second post. I want to make sure I don't encourage forgiveness at the expense of your safety. It is perfectly fine to forgive and take pity, but keep a distance and protect yourself... especially if your safety is an issue.

I think sometimes the best way to honor your parents when they have personality issues and don't always realize they're so toxic is to let go and let God. There's only so much we can do as humans and regardless of how much we want someone to change, they won't do it unless there's a desire to change. I personally believe that you can love your parents from afar and there's no reason to live in the abuse. That's been my approach since I moved out and got married. I barely talk to my parents, but at the same time, I'm nice to them when I do and I pray for them tons. That's all we can do sometimes.

I think that God would not want us to honour abusive parents, but he would want us to behave respectfully to them. For example, my mother swears at me a lot but I refraine from swearing back because that is not what God would want me to do. Forgiveness is important, though, whether or not they accept they did something wrong.

I have struggled with this question, too. Some years ago the Lord gave me a beautiful answer I still implement today.

I was abused as a child and the abuse did not stop when I married. Yet I do honor my mother. I treat her with respect.

No, I do not allow her to continue to abuse me. When she starts into one of her tirades I change the subject or leave the room. I also distance myself from her. But when I am with her I am gracious, kind, loving, giving the loving, gracious words she never gave me as a child.

There's a difference between honor and allowing someone to control and abuse you. Not the same. Allowing abuse isn't honoring to you, others who are abused by these people or to the abusers. Abusers need to see there's a better way and that abuse is not honoring to God. By showing people the way God desires us to live, with the absence of abuse / sin, we are honoring them and God's desire for fellowship with us all.