Why are some men like this?

iambren · Nov 15, 2010

Hello. In response to the OP I can think of reasons a man would act that way yet I can't personally relate to it (two weeks off work and I go bonkers!).

--A man's testosterone declines with age, a fact. If it declines precipitously the man may lose his overall drive in life.

--He may have been in a demanding relationship or highly stressful demanding situation where he gives up "Everybody off my back; I'm cruisin'".

--He may have been babied all his life so operates out of that dysfunctional pattern.

--His personality just might be more passive, always has been and if a woman comes along to enable that the true self emerges.

These are not meant to be excuses. God's Word clearly says that if a man does not provide he is worse than an infidel. If it's physical, like depression, he can get medication. If it's a soul issue he needs to be confronted.

memoriesbymichelle · Nov 16, 2010

iambren said:
Hello. In response to the OP I can think of reasons a man would act that way yet I can't personally relate to it (two weeks off work and I go bonkers!).

--A man's testosterone declines with age, a fact. If it declines precipitously the man may lose his overall drive in life.

--He may have been in a demanding relationship or highly stressful demanding situation where he gives up "Everybody off my back; I'm cruisin'".

--He may have been babied all his life so operates out of that dysfunctional pattern.

--His personality just might be more passive, always has been and if a woman comes along to enable that the true self emerges.

These are not meant to be excuses. God's Word clearly says that if a man does not provide he is worse than an infidel. If it's physical, like depression, he can get medication. If it's a soul issue he needs to be confronted.

Well I think all of the above perfectly explains my BIL lol! In all seriousness though, IF a man is in this position (above) what will it take, or is it even possible to get that drive back?

dayhiker · Nov 16, 2010

If he was brought up what way and then personally decided to live that way as an adult .. I suspect after that he's not too likely to change.

memoriesbymichelle · Nov 16, 2010

dayhiker said:
If he was brought up what way and then personally decided to live that way as an adult .. I suspect after that he's not too likely to change.

might be true....but miracles DO happen and prayer works so.....I hear ya, but it COULD happen

dayhiker · Nov 16, 2010

Yes, I was speaking from a human perspective ... If God gets a small invite, then he could see a pretty dramatic change over time.

iambren · Nov 16, 2010

But how many miracles have you seen in your life? Definitely not the norm.
It would be difficult to change a man like this, especially if all variables are playing. Obviously if it's testosterone he can medicate. My brother did this with some success (but that was more for sex drive, I WISH I had that problem lol).
A good woman that will love him without mothering him would help too. Not every woman can do this. After my parents divorced he remarried several years later. She knew just when to jerk the leash and for 8 years I've never seen my dad happier....and he's a handful!
Guys that get real down scare me. They can turn to drinking, become a homeless bum, or even end their life. They need something to live for, something that will make them go out and fight for something. Without that a man's doomed. This is where a deep faith in Christ is so important.

memoriesbymichelle · Nov 17, 2010

iambren said:
But how many miracles have you seen in your life? Definitely not the norm.
It would be difficult to change a man like this, especially if all variables are playing. Obviously if it's testosterone he can medicate. My brother did this with some success (but that was more for sex drive, I WISH I had that problem lol).
A good woman that will love him without mothering him would help too. Not every woman can do this. After my parents divorced he remarried several years later. She knew just when to jerk the leash and for 8 years I've never seen my dad happier....and he's a handful!
Guys that get real down scare me. They can turn to drinking, become a homeless bum, or even end their life. They need something to live for, something that will make them go out and fight for something. Without that a man's doomed. This is where a deep faith in Christ is so important.

THAT'S IT! In my BIL's case I do think he likes the mothering part just not the part where your "mother" tells you what to do lol. He likes being taken care of, but he doesn't want to be told not to drink so much or whatever really. I bet he also feels like he doesn't have much to live for. His kids are now grown (one turned 18 today). He does have faith in Christ so I have faith that God will continue to work in his life. But that is the answer I have been searching for....they don't have anything to live for, or fight for.

exitstageright · Jun 21, 2011

memoriesbymichelle said:
I'm thinking about a couple of men in my life (family) and people I know and I wonder....
OK I have a brother-in-law that is 51,divorced, and recently walked away from his house and now lives in CA with his sister....and seems pretty content to stay there indefinitely (why not, his every need is taken care of and they live a semi-lavish life style)
Then there is my ex-son-in-law, who is in his 40's that has a girlfriend that has a very nice house (about 6,000 sq ft) and a good job as a dental hygenist and he is content to sell car parts from home on the internet and occasionally also goes out of town to sell medical supplies.
Then there is another guy I know from my past that lives in CA, has a decent job in van conversions and is divorced and lives in a 5th wheel trailer with his teenage daughter.

Now none of these people or positions are terribly wrong IMO, its just that it seems (with these guys anyway) that they just don't have the drive anymore and are kinda just content to go with the flow. I also (even though I am a woman) have lost my drive (no wonder I can't find anyone lol) But I am just wondering what causes this in a man....because most men, at least the ones I know, would never want the woman to take care of them financially, and feel responsibility to be successful.
I was talking with my BIL and I was telling him that it's great that he has help right now, and that as soon as he gets out on his own and gets his own place he'll feel better, and he looked at me and said "why do I need to do that again?" And it just made me think about the WHY of it all? Do alot of men over 40 get like this? Maybe I'm out of the loop lol.

One theory is,as a men gets older,his testosterone level decreases.This hormone is responsible for the human sex drive.When we (males) were younger,we had a lot of drive.Some men as they get older,they become mellow, sometimes wiser,more patient,and began to show more feminie qualities.We get testosterone from our fathers. We get estrogen (female hormones) from our mothers.When the testosterone levels decreases,men become more feminie.

dewba · Jun 21, 2011

There's nothing wrong with being content with God's blessings.

memoriesbymichelle · Jun 21, 2011

dewba said:
There's nothing wrong with being content with God's blessings.

God's blessings or blessings of kind hearted family members or women desparate for a mate?
If a man is financially "set" and then decides to "kick back" and be mellow that's one thing. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about losing the drive to want to be financially sucessful. Kinda like how homeless people give up and just decide to be content being homeless. Same sense, just not as drastic as being homeless, just not wanting or caring about the fact that you can't support yourself, so you concede to let others carry that burden. I don't necessarily consider that God's blessing.

hope_is_last_to_die · Jun 21, 2011

I dont see it as an gender issue, it works both ways. The other issue is people getting fed up with the rat race! Maybe a reading Ecclesiastes would help?

dayhiker · Jun 21, 2011

Ya, the rat race isn't much fun. But I'm not for people slacking off and not caring their part of the load, burden of paying the costs.

Since this is a singles board, I will state that when I go out on a date I'm expecting the woman to pay her share of the the bill. If women want egual pay then they should pay half the bills, too. Now if a date is unemployed thru no fault of their own I'll cover the costs. I did have one date years ago. over $100 and she didn't offer to pay anything. So I didn't ask her out again.

There are all types out there, for sure.

Lokke · Jun 21, 2011

iambren said:
But how many miracles have you seen in your life? Definitely not the norm.
It would be difficult to change a man like this, especially if all variables are playing. Obviously if it's testosterone he can medicate. My brother did this with some success (but that was more for sex drive, I WISH I had that problem lol).
A good woman that will love him without mothering him would help too. Not every woman can do this. After my parents divorced he remarried several years later. She knew just when to jerk the leash and for 8 years I've never seen my dad happier....and he's a handful!
Guys that get real down scare me. They can turn to drinking, become a homeless bum, or even end their life. They need something to live for, something that will make them go out and fight for something. Without that a man's doomed. This is where a deep faith in Christ is so important.

perhaps the medicine he is takes is not good for him. does the doctor make sure this medicine is ok? i know when the doctor h e gives me medicine that after few weeks i must change t o diifferent medicine again. i can not understand why a guy will want a girlfriend to be to mothering him. i dont think i f a guy he want to better his life that the girlfriend should not be to mothering him. this must b e boreing to the girlfriend to do this. i agree this is where deep faith in Christ is important

memoriesbymichelle · Jun 21, 2011

dayhiker said:
Ya, the rat race isn't much fun. But I'm not for people slacking off and not caring their part of the load, burden of paying the costs.

Since this is a singles board, I will state that when I go out on a date I'm expecting the woman to pay her share of the the bill. If women want egual pay then they should pay half the bills, too. Now if a date is unemployed thru no fault of their own I'll cover the costs. I did have one date years ago. over $100 and she didn't offer to pay anything. So I didn't ask her out again.

There are all types out there, for sure.

Good to know, so what you are saying is that if someone asks me out, I should offer to pay "my half" when the bill comes?

dayhiker · Jun 22, 2011

I guess it depends on the guys, MbM, as to what you would do. I think its a good topic to talk about after a couple of dates.
Some guys want to pay. So you can hose to pay the tip or the dutch thing. I also take into account what she is making. If she has a good job and gets good alimony then I'm for each covering their own part of the bill. If I were a lot richer than her, then I'd want to pick up more of the bill and do some things that she wouldn't have money to do normally. So I don't have a rule I'm legalistic about.

memoriesbymichelle · Jun 22, 2011

dayhiker said:
I guess it depends on the guys, MbM, as to what you would do. I think its a good topic to talk about after a couple of dates.
Some guys want to pay. So you can hose to pay the tip or the dutch thing. I also take into account what she is making. If she has a good job and gets good alimony then I'm for each covering their own part of the bill. If I were a lot richer than her, then I'd want to pick up more of the bill and do some things that she wouldn't have money to do normally. So I don't have a rule I'm legalistic about.

Well I don't make much and I'm too broke to pay attention so I guess if someone is brave enough to ask me out, I will respond by asking if he's paying

dayhiker · Jun 22, 2011

Ya, MbM .. I know its no fun being short and having to watch every penny. I pray you find a guy that has enough money to pay.

hope_is_last_to_die · Jun 23, 2011

dayhiker said:
Ya, MbM .. I know its no fun being short and having to watch every penny. I pray you find a guy that has enough money to pay.

I think the other problem is the expectation that it must be a "paying" date!

memoriesbymichelle · Jun 23, 2011

hope_is_last_to_die said:
I think the other problem is the expectation that it must be a "paying" date!

Well that's why I would "clarify" it up front, now that I've been informed. I'm old school and think if a guy asks you out HE should pay, but I understand....rules change.....I can adjust and won't have false expectations.

iambren · Jun 23, 2011

Michelle, to answer your question directly----I DON'T KNOW what makes some men like this. I can't relate to it at all!

If I didn't fulfill my role as a provider, and everything was falling down around me, I would feel like a dirt ball on the ground.

I've heard of men like this so they must be out there; I just can't relate. I suppose I would have to be in deep, deep depression where I thought nothing I did mattered.

Why are some men like this?

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what, where, who, when, whatever????

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