I lied to my husband for 3 years. Should I come clean?

elliesmith · Jan 10, 2011

Let me preface by saying my husband struggled for years with inappropriate contentography and online relationships. During the 5 years of our marriage we have had three wonderful children but our relationship has always been very very strained and difficult. I created an online persona (fake) to befriend him and entertain him so that he would have someone who understood him when I so clearly didn't. I spent time chatting with him on this fake account and exchanged pictures and talked about just about everything under the sun. It was so nice to get to spend time with the man I married who was happy and easy going, not like the guy I dealtw ith on a daily basis who hated his kids/job/and me.

Well, he gave up the inappropriate content and all the online relationships and gradually outgrew all of his other bad habits. Our kids are a bit older now and we started to get along really well, but I still signed in to the fake account now and again to chat with him. I finally decided that I was finally disgusted with myself for all the stupidness associated with such an act and deleted the account.

The problem? Now he's worried about his friend because he hasn't heard from "her" in a few weeks.

My question is whether to say nothing or to come clean. If I say nothing, he will worry about his friend. If I come clean, he will probably divorce me and possibly want me committed for being a complete psycho.

Can you guys help me? Anyone have any firsthand experience here?

My husband has already told me firsthand that if you do something terrible like an affair, you shouldn't etll your spouse since "no good will come of it." What do you guys think?

elliesmith · Jan 10, 2011

I also just wanted to say that I truly didn't do this to be a crazy witch or anything like that. I really just wanted an outlet and for him to have someone "safe" to talk to who wouldn't be mean or have online sex with him or anything like that. He has felt so guilty for so long about his inappropriate content struggles that I wanted him to have someone he could talk about anything with, even that. He's always been afraid to open up to me and part of me wonders if I tell him the truth if it will completely remove his ability to trust people ever again.

dinonum · Jan 10, 2011

I feel like if your spouse has already told you that he wouldn't want to know, that it'd probably be best to not tell him. I also think he'd be a real jerk if he thought you were somehow psycho or something like that. The whole situation kind of makes me think of the song "Escape" (If You Like Pina Colada's), in the long run, I know this sounds terrible, but "trusting" someone you meet online is pretty shaky and naive anyways.

Maybe now you can start focusing on your relationship in the real world?

Mixolydian · Jan 10, 2011

Use your newfound knowledge gained online to now be his real friend. Win Win Win.

mkgal1 · Jan 10, 2011

elliesmith said:
Let me preface by saying my husband struggled for years with inappropriate contentography and online relationships. During the 5 years of our marriage we have had three wonderful children but our relationship has always been very very strained and difficult. I created an online persona (fake) to befriend him and entertain him so that he would have someone who understood him when I so clearly didn't. I spent time chatting with him on this fake account and exchanged pictures and talked about just about everything under the sun. It was so nice to get to spend time with the man I married who was happy and easy going, not like the guy I dealtw ith on a daily basis who hated his kids/job/and me.

Well, he gave up the inappropriate content and all the online relationships and gradually outgrew all of his other bad habits. Our kids are a bit older now and we started to get along really well, but I still signed in to the fake account now and again to chat with him. I finally decided that I was finally disgusted with myself for all the stupidness associated with such an act and deleted the account.

The problem? Now he's worried about his friend because he hasn't heard from "her" in a few weeks.

My question is whether to say nothing or to come clean. If I say nothing, he will worry about his friend. If I come clean, he will probably divorce me and possibly want me committed for being a complete psycho.

Can you guys help me? Anyone have any firsthand experience here?

My husband has already told me firsthand that if you do something terrible like an affair, you shouldn't etll your spouse since "no good will come of it." What do you guys think?

If he gave up all his online relationships....how does he even know he hasn't heard from "her"?

Another question I have is what gave you the confidence that he would befriend you online....and understand you online, but not in person?

Key · Jan 15, 2011

mkgal1 said:
If he gave up all his online relationships....how does he even know he hasn't heard from "her"?

I think she means cyber relationships.

Conservativation · Jan 15, 2011

mkgal1 said:
If he gave up all his online relationships....how does he even know he hasn't heard from "her"?

Another question I have is what gave you the confidence that he would befriend you online....and understand you online, but not in person?

She meant she watched as he dropped all these things, and was left with only the occasional check in with HER/the fake.

Or, are you suggesting the OP made it up? I dont get the question or the motive for the question.

The situation is very clear. Its a bit odd, yea, seems like it could have a good ending.

The question is how long and hard would he wonder about "her" missing? Would it go away in a couple weeks? This is the key, because lots of complications...many many different ones, could come from that. They still seem like better odds than telling him, since he has expressed the lack of desire to know things anyway.

dallasapple · Jan 15, 2011

Im still stumped on how you could NOT understand HIM (so clearly didn't in your words)..but you could understand him(the same person) in an online relationship?

And the fact that if you understand him now IRL...why is he still concerned about her..

IOW I guess what Im saying is If I had done what you did ..I not only woudl tell him..I would want to know what it was about ME online that made him be a different person with..

Why was he this "happy easy going "person with YOU posing as a strange female online..But YOU IRL he HATED(along with ya'lls kids and his job).

Why was this other female(YOU but he didnt know that) able to not only change his entire attitude apparently but she influenced him heavily enough to give up inappropriate content ..all online relationships and all of his "other bad habits".

So yeah..I would definatey confess to him..Because something isnt right that a "fake YOU" could get your husband to drop a inappropriate content habit and cyber relationship habit and stop hating you and your children that had gone on for YEARS in a short period of time chit chatting on the internet..and the fact he is wondering what happended to her...is the added insult.

The problem has moved from you decieiving him..to how differently and in stark contrast he responded to your fake persona.

And Im sorry....If he would divorce you over that and think you were a "psycho"..then thats a whole different issue right there...He can use inappropriate content(for years) and you stay..he can HATE you and your children and you stay...Then he would think YOU are a psycho for faking another female to be able to even talk to him that he then is a COMPLETELY different person with "her"?

Im sorry..you're not a psycho honey.

mkgal1 · Jan 15, 2011

Key said:
I think she means cyber relationships.

But....that WAS a cyber relationship....wasn't it?

mkgal1 · Jan 15, 2011

Conservativation said:
She meant she watched as he dropped all these things, and was left with only the occasional check in with HER/the fake.

How do YOU know what she meant, Cons? I will wait for the OP to answer the question....thanks, though.

Conservativation · Jan 16, 2011

mkgal1 said:
How do YOU know what she meant, Cons? I will wait for the OP to answer the question....thanks, though.

Because its either that or she isnt telling a true story. There are no other options, so what may have been a tiny bit awkwardly worded had to mean only one thing.
Your question is not germane to her OP question...it challenges her story, and in this instance that seems rather inappropriate, I can see no reason to challenge someone right off the blocks like that about something immaterial to their question.

ChildByGrace · Jan 16, 2011

mkgal1 said:
If he gave up all his online relationships....how does he even know he hasn't heard from "her"?

Another question I have is what gave you the confidence that he would befriend you online....and understand you online, but not in person?

I would say that she was prob pretty confident that he would befriend her because she could be everything she wasn't IRL. IRL she's a wife and mom whereas online he didn't see her like that. Quite often it can be alot easier to be something different online. I think the whole familiarity breeds contempt can be seen her. He is used to her being a wife and mom and maybe the 'happy-go-lucky' attitude slipped because of having to deal with the inappropriate content etc. But online she was able to bring that back.

Another thing us that she doesn't actually say (as far as I could see) that her online persona was responsible for getting him off the inappropriate content.

dallasapple · Jan 16, 2011

ChildByGrace said:
I would say that she was prob pretty confident that he would befriend her because she could be everything she wasn't IRL. IRL she's a wife and mom whereas online he didn't see her like that. Quite often it can be alot easier to be something different online. I think the whole familiarity breeds contempt can be seen her. He is used to her being a wife and mom and maybe the 'happy-go-lucky' attitude slipped because of having to deal with the inappropriate content etc. But online she was able to bring that back.

Another thing us that she doesn't actually say (as far as I could see) that her online persona was responsible for getting him off the inappropriate content.

What was implied though was his relatinship with this other woman brought about change in him .Including stopping habits that he had for YEARS including the fact he "hated her and the kids and his job".Im wonderign how she had the right words and attitude on line ..but not IRL..not only that why was he WILLING to listen to her as a STRANGER?

I would be inclined to tell him what I did..If he thinks shes a "psycho" for doing that again that right there is a problem.Its wrong IMHO like spying .But never the less..I would want to know why he was more than willing to open up to me as another woman..the seeing her as a mom?Well how is that going to change?

Sure she decieved him..But Im sorry I wouldl feel like he 'cheated" on me emotionally.Hating me and our children..While frolicking around happy go lucky ..opening up ..with whom he THOUGHT was another women.

And ON top of that..He did NOT stop all online (cyber) relationships..SHE felt guilty and shut her account down.He stopped NOTHING in that relationship and he is "wondering" what happened to her.

Thats whats psycho..having a husband telling me he is wondering where his "friend is" and his friend is me.He's not the one that made a decision that he needed to end that relationship and start focussing on ours.

coolchicka · Jan 21, 2011

Me and my husband have problems with this.

visionary · Jan 21, 2011

Ohhh .. what tangled webs we weave when we deceive...

ChaserOfGod · Jan 23, 2011

dallasapple said:
Im still stumped on how you could NOT understand HIM (so clearly didn't in your words)..but you could understand him(the same person) in an online relationship?

And the fact that if you understand him now IRL...why is he still concerned about her..

IOW I guess what Im saying is If I had done what you did ..I not only woudl tell him..I would want to know what it was about ME online that made him be a different person with..

Why was he this "happy easy going "person with YOU posing as a strange female online..But YOU IRL he HATED(along with ya'lls kids and his job).

Why was this other female(YOU but he didnt know that) able to not only change his entire attitude apparently but she influenced him heavily enough to give up inappropriate content ..all online relationships and all of his "other bad habits".

So yeah..I would definatey confess to him..Because something isnt right that a "fake YOU" could get your husband to drop a inappropriate content habit and cyber relationship habit and stop hating you and your children that had gone on for YEARS in a short period of time chit chatting on the internet..and the fact he is wondering what happended to her...is the added insult.

The problem has moved from you decieiving him..to how differently and in stark contrast he responded to your fake persona.

And Im sorry....If he would divorce you over that and think you were a "psycho"..then thats a whole different issue right there...He can use inappropriate content(for years) and you stay..he can HATE you and your children and you stay...Then he would think YOU are a psycho for faking another female to be able to even talk to him that he then is a COMPLETELY different person with "her"?

Im sorry..you're not a psycho honey.

I agree. I would set up a meeting with him as the "online woman" and see if he would want to meet her (you). If he agrees to meet this woman (you), you can pretty much bet that his intentions aren't to be faithful. When he shows up, you can tell him then. "SURPRISE HONEY, It's ME!"
He is having an emotional affair with his own wife and doesn't even know it. If he was doing that with her (you), he will eventually do it again. If my man did that to me, he would be lucky to get out with a divorce.

I lied to my husband for 3 years. Should I come clean?

Newbie

Newbie

Senior Veteran

Lord I believe; help my unbelief.

His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

The Opener of Locks

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

Well-Known Member

Isn't God's grace the best !!!

Well-Known Member

Regular Member

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.

Newbie

Similar threads