Admitting you have a problem's the first step....

JourneyToPeace · Dec 8, 2010

It's been just over a week since I buried Sarah and Amelia. Part of me feels like it was yesterday. Part of me feels like it was a long time ago... but it's only been a week. In all honesty, I think I've been doing something unhealthy: I've been avoiding my grief as much as I can, distracting myself with work, hanging out online, doing housework, reading, seeing people, TRYING to focus on Advent... anything other than coming to terms with this.

Spiritually... I know my little daughters are safe. They're with God. With Jesus. At peace. I do believe that. There are dozens of ways of saying that THEY are okay. But I'm not okay. I feel empty. I can't hide it with jokes, with discussion, or even with prayer. I look out my window, and all I can think of is "my daughters are lying under three feet of snow" and there is something horribly wrong about that. Even though I know that "they" are not there... they're there.

It makes it worse that it's Advent. I'm supposed to be looking forward to the coming of God as a little baby, and this is the time of year I happened to lose my babies. Every manger scene I see, every image of Mary holding the infant Jesus, makes me think of them. I know that sounds horrible and self centred, and it probably is. After all, He's our savior and the reason for our hope, and the reason my girls are even with Him now.

My first Advent in over 10 years that I've seriously cared about.... I've even got a Jesse tree up.... and I'm whining and not focusing on the coming of Christ the way I should. My own lack of faith dismays me. But it doesn't FEEL like this time of year is full of hope, of preparation, of renewal before Christmas. I'm just going through the motions.

Maybe the key is to just go through them? Read scripture, pray, go to Mass, and even if the feelings aren't there when I need them to be... it's probably best to not rely on feelings anyways, since they change so much? At this point, I can just "be". I don't even know what I ought to "feel".

I keep praying. I keep trying to read my Bible. I have the strong urge to run into my church and HIDE there and distract myself with the Mass and Eucharist and Advent and everything else, but I know that even THAT would just be a comforting distraction.

Anyways. I needed to ramble. Thanks for reading.

Eucharisted · Dec 8, 2010

Reflect on Mary's sorrows.

JourneyToPeace · Dec 8, 2010

Eucharisted said:
Reflect on Mary's sorrows.

Besides the Bible itself, and just thinking of what Mary went through in loving, raising and then losing her Son... is there anything you could recommend in terms of reading or devotions or something that might be able to help someone focus on that reflection? Thank you.

Eucharisted · Dec 8, 2010

JourneyToPeace said:
Besides the Bible itself, and just thinking of what Mary went through in loving, raising and then losing her Son... is there anything you could recommend in terms of reading or devotions or something that might be able to help someone focus on that reflection? Thank you.

It is enough to look at a crucifix.

stone · Dec 8, 2010

I don't know what to say. All i can do is pray. I've always heard that it's good to let your feelings out, you know, talk about it and such.

:pray:

Michie · Dec 8, 2010

JourneyToPeace said:
It's been just over a week since I buried Sarah and Amelia. Part of me feels like it was yesterday. Part of me feels like it was a long time ago... but it's only been a week. In all honesty, I think I've been doing something unhealthy: I've been avoiding my grief as much as I can, distracting myself with work, hanging out online, doing housework, reading, seeing people, TRYING to focus on Advent... anything other than coming to terms with this.

Spiritually... I know my little daughters are safe. They're with God. With Jesus. At peace. I do believe that. There are dozens of ways of saying that THEY are okay. But I'm not okay. I feel empty. I can't hide it with jokes, with discussion, or even with prayer. I look out my window, and all I can think of is "my daughters are lying under three feet of snow" and there is something horribly wrong about that. Even though I know that "they" are not there... they're there.

It makes it worse that it's Advent. I'm supposed to be looking forward to the coming of God as a little baby, and this is the time of year I happened to lose my babies. Every manger scene I see, every image of Mary holding the infant Jesus, makes me think of them. I know that sounds horrible and self centred, and it probably is. After all, He's our savior and the reason for our hope, and the reason my girls are even with Him now.

My first Advent in over 10 years that I've seriously cared about.... I've even got a Jesse tree up.... and I'm whining and not focusing on the coming of Christ the way I should. My own lack of faith dismays me. But it doesn't FEEL like this time of year is full of hope, of preparation, of renewal before Christmas. I'm just going through the motions.

Maybe the key is to just go through them? Read scripture, pray, go to Mass, and even if the feelings aren't there when I need them to be... it's probably best to not rely on feelings anyways, since they change so much? At this point, I can just "be". I don't even know what I ought to "feel".

I keep praying. I keep trying to read my Bible. I have the strong urge to run into my church and HIDE there and distract myself with the Mass and Eucharist and Advent and everything else, but I know that even THAT would just be a comforting distraction.

Anyways. I needed to ramble. Thanks for reading.

Nothing you are feeling is abnormal. Nor unhealthy. For petes sake this was recent! You will always grieve & have the what-ifs but grief changes with time.

Allow yourself to ride these waves. It ebbs & flows. Right now you are in the beginning stages & I can tell you from my experiences it seems you are being completely normal.

I know it is heartbreaking... but you were blessed enough to have a priest... to bury your children. A lot of us were not as fortunate.

There is nothing unhealthy in focusing on the Eucharist & Jesus' coming. He is God! What else better to console yourself with?

Prayers for you. May God give you peace that passes all understanding & bless you with the joy of children in your future. :crossrc:

Please do not rush this. Let go, let it run it's course. It's normal.

I was seeing kids in the grocery store & breaking out in tears! :o

Among other things. :o

JourneyToPeace · Dec 8, 2010

Thanks, Eucharisted and Stone.

Longtime Catholics more deeply rooted in their faith and more sure of themselves, and more mature emotionally and spiritually: please forgive this thread. I know so many people around the world are being persecuted, and hurting, and suffering, in unimaginable ways as we speak. And yet I'm still focused on something ENTIRELY out of my hands that is already being taken care of by God whether or not I feel it.

Lord, please, in Your mercy grant me...
more of You. Less of me.
Less of my self pity. More gratitude towards You.
More thankfulness for Your coming. Less self-indulgence.
Less angst. More willingness to love those who suffer in Your name.
More chances to give to You what's Yours: those who WERE Yours before You lent them to me.
Amen

JourneyToPeace · Dec 8, 2010

Michie said:
Nothing you are feeling is abnormal. Nor unhealthy. For petes sake this was recent! You will always grieve & have the what-ifs but grief changes with time.

Allow yourself to ride these waves. It ebbs & flows. Right now you are in the beginning stages & I can tell you from my experiences it seems you are being completely normal.

Thanks, Michie. I sincerely wish with all my heart you never had to have those experiences to give me something to 'compare to'.

I know it is heartbreaking... but you were blessed enough to have a priest... to bury your children. A lot of us were not as fortunate.

That's very, very true.

There is nothing unhealthy in focusing on the Eucharist & Jesus' coming. He is God! What else better to console yourself with?

True, too.

Prayers for you. May God give you peace that passes all understanding & bless you with the joy of children in your future.

Please do not rush this. Let go, let it run it's course. It's normal.

Thanks. I won't rush this. I don't think I could. There's no magic pill to take, where I swallow it and suddenly say "oh, look at that! I'm all better! Awesome!" There's just time and memory and focusing on that peace that God gives, this time of year and always.

I was seeing kids in the grocery store & breaking out in tears! :o

Among other things. :o

I understand. Totally and completely. In the middle of the night, waking from a dream. In a friend's car, abruptly. In the grocery store, in church, in a shopping mall... I see babies, or twins, or sisters, or mothers holding children, or pregnant mothers... and I've burst out in tears. I know you've been there, too.

:hug:

Michie · Dec 8, 2010

JourneyToPeace said:
Thanks, Michie. I sincerely wish with all my heart you never had to have those experiences to give me something to 'compare to'.

That's very, very true.

True, too.

Thanks. I won't rush this. I don't think I could. There's no magic pill to take, where I swallow it and suddenly say "oh, look at that! I'm all better! Awesome!" There's just time and memory and focusing on that peace that God gives, this time of year and always.

I understand. Totally and completely. In the middle of the night, waking from a dream. In a friend's car, abruptly. In the grocery store, in church, in a shopping mall... I see babies, or twins, or sisters, or mothers holding children, or pregnant mothers... and I've burst out in tears. I know you've been there, too.

Just don't give into the mindset that you should be over it by now. Or not upset...angry even! That happens all too often in the world. My parish has a program on grieving & support groups. If I were you, I'd check & see if your parish does.

One thing I noticed about being Catholic is they do not ask you to stuff the grieving. It was a whole new ballgame for me to observe compared to my background. It is infact encouraged & seen as the healthy thing to do.

God understands. He can deal with it.

*hugs*

Memento Mori · Dec 8, 2010

Whining?! You are too hard on yourself.

Even though I don't really, truly know you, I believe you are a strong person for continuing to seek the face of the Lord and talking about spiritual matters with us here in OBOB. Grief seems to affect people's faith in different ways, but I praise God that you continue to look to Him. Some of that may be avoidance of your grief, but as long as you are not denying or suppressing your feelings, turning to God in these times is a natural response and it could be a very healing thing. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

I try not to open my mouth about things that are outside of my experience, and I apologize if it presumptuous of me to give you advice

SpiritualAntiseptic · Dec 8, 2010

JourneyToPeace said:
It's been just over a week since I buried Sarah and Amelia.

We are not brave little children soldiers. We are not meant to endure the difficulties of life.. and death, full of hope and joy. What we are are human beings, who rightly experience pain and suffering. We weep with Jesus, we look on in confusion with Mary. We ask how can this be. We echo the voice of Jesus who cried in the garden to take this cup (of death) from Him.

We can even be angry with God. He can take it, I promise you. He despises death as much as you do-- really, much, much more. This was not part of his design. It is okay to be sad, it is okay to be hurt. You don't have to put on a brave face, because he is the God of life.

------------------------------
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, - John 11:25
------------------------------
Therefore, when Mary came where Jesus was, she saw Him, and fell at His feet, saying to Him, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, and said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to Him, "Lord, come and see."
Jesus wept. -- John 11:32-35
-------------------------------

Even the resurrection wept.

Michie · Dec 8, 2010

SpiritualAntiseptic said:
We are not brave little children soldiers. We are not meant to endure the difficulties of life.. and death, full of hope and joy. What we are are human beings, who rightly experience pain and suffering. We weep with Jesus, we look on in confusion with Mary. We ask how can this be. We echo the voice of Jesus who cried in the garden to take this cup (of death) from Him.

We can even be angry with God. He can take it, I promise you. He despises death as much as you do-- really, much, much more. This was not part of his design. It is okay to be sad, it is okay to be hurt. You don't have to put on a brave face, because he is the God of life.

------------------------------
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, - John 11:25
------------------------------
Therefore, when Mary came where Jesus was, she saw Him, and fell at His feet, saying to Him, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, and said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to Him, "Lord, come and see."
Jesus wept. -- John 11:32-35
-------------------------------

Even the resurrection wept.

It bears repeating.

Post of the day.

Thank you.

JourneyToPeace · Dec 8, 2010

Michie said:
Just don't give into the mindset that you should be over it by now. Or not upset...angry even! That happens all too often in the world. My parish has a program on grieving & support groups. If I were you, I'd check & see if your parish does.

One thing I noticed about being Catholic is they do not ask you to stuff the grieving. It was a whole new ballgame for me to observe compared to my background. It is infact encouraged & seen as the healthy thing to do.

God understands. He can deal with it. *hugs*

Thanks, Michie.

Our parish doesn't have a group like that, at the moment. Seriously been contemplating starting one. I've realized that it shouldn't just be for pregnancy loss, though. There are a lot of hurting people who are missing loved ones and could use a shoulder. I may look into it, in the new year.

It's true what you say, about not being asked to "stuff" the grieving. I appreciate the practical, more healthy approach to it that I've found in the Catholic church.

And yep... I reckon He can and will deal with a lot.

Jared R said:
Whining?! You are too hard on yourself.

Even though I don't really, truly know you, I believe you are a strong person for continuing to seek the face of the Lord and talking about spiritual matters with us here in OBOB. Grief seems to affect people's faith in different ways, but I praise God that you continue to look to Him. Some of that may be avoidance of your grief, but as long as you are not denying or suppressing your feelings, turning to God in these times is a natural response and it could be a very healing thing. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

I try not to open my mouth about things that are outside of my experience, and I apologize if it presumptuous of me to give you advice

Not presumptuous at all, my friend. Thank you. And this is well within your experience: you're human, you're a member of the Body of Christ, I assume you've experienced grief (or will eventually), and you're pointing a sister in Christ in the right direction with what you say, so it's much appreciated. :hug:

JourneyToPeace · Dec 8, 2010

SpiritualAntiseptic said:
We are not brave little children soldiers. We are not meant to endure the difficulties of life.. and death, full of hope and joy. What we are are human beings, who rightly experience pain and suffering. We weep with Jesus, we look on in confusion with Mary. We ask how can this be. We echo the voice of Jesus who cried in the garden to take this cup (of death) from Him.

We can even be angry with God. He can take it, I promise you. He despises death as much as you do-- really, much, much more. This was not part of his design. It is okay to be sad, it is okay to be hurt. You don't have to put on a brave face, because he is the God of life.

------------------------------
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, - John 11:25
------------------------------
Therefore, when Mary came where Jesus was, she saw Him, and fell at His feet, saying to Him, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, and said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to Him, "Lord, come and see."
Jesus wept. -- John 11:32-35
-------------------------------

Even the resurrection wept.

Thank you very, very much.

Your post is a comfort.

Michie · Dec 8, 2010

The holidays are especially rough on grieving people. I think if you mentioned a grief support group in your parish they would jump on it. I can look into mine if you want more info.

Michie · Dec 8, 2010

A prayer I'd like to add to this thread:

My Lord, the babies are dead!

Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? They will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of their parents’ face—they will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the children live. Instead of the wind they hear the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes they see everlasting Beauty—they see My face. They were created and lived a short time so the image of their parents imprinted on their face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. They know secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. They laugh with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. They were created for My joy and their parents’ merits. They have never seen pain or sin. They have never felt hunger or pain. I breathed souls into a seed, made them grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

-- Mother M. Angelica

Michie · Dec 8, 2010

Blessing of Parents after a Miscarriage

When a baby dies before birth, the parents may seek the prayers of the Church. A priest, deacon, or lay minister of the parish, or a member of the family may lead this blessing.

Make the sign of the cross.

The leader begins: Let us praise the Father of mercies, the God of all consolation. Blessed be God for ever.

All respond: Blessed be God for ever.

The leader may use these or similar words to introduce the blessing:
For those who trust in God,
in the pain of sorrow there is consolation,
in the face of despair there is hope,
in the midst of death there is life.
(Name) and (Name), as we mourn the death of your child,
we place ourselves in the hands of God and ask strength, for healing, and for love.

Then the Scripture is read:
Listen to the words of the book of Lamentations:

My soul is deprived of peace,
I have forgotten what happiness is;
I tell myself my future is lost,
all that I hoped for from the Lord.
But I will call this to mind,
as my reason to have hope:
The favors of the Lord are not exhausted,
his mercies are not spent;
They are renewed each morning,
so great is his faithfulness.
My portion is the Lord, says my soul;
therefore I will hope in him.
-- Lamentations 3:17-18, 21-24
The reader concludes: The Word of the Lord.

All respond: Thanks be to God.

After a time of silence, all join in the prayers of intercession.

These conclude with the Lord's Prayer.

Then the leader may invite all to extend their hands over the parents in blessing.
Father and Creator,
in whom all life and death find meaning,
we bless you at all times,
especially when we have need of your consolation.
N. and N. entrust to your care a life conceived in love.
May your blessing come upon them now.
Remove all anxiety from their minds
and strengthen this love
so that they may have peace in their hearts and home.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.
All respond: Amen.

All make the sign of the cross as the leader concludes: May the almighty and merciful God bless and protect us, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit

All respond: Amen.

eastcoast_bsc · Dec 8, 2010

I remember a Priest saying that in life we go through pain, not around pain. You have every right to grieve.

You have just been through a traumatic experience. God knows that. I know that there are various stages of grief we go through.

I hope you have someone that you can share your pain with. I am sure thats God knows that with grief comes denial, anger and whatever other feelings that are manifested.

I pray that God touches your heart in this difficult time.

MoNiCa4316 · Dec 9, 2010

There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. It is natural, and it is alright to grieve. It is not selfish. That is wonderful that you know your daughters are with Jesus (and I agree that they are)..remember also that He understands how you feel, and how difficult this is for you. He understands all our troubles as if they were His own.

Try to think of the times in the Gospels where Jesus and Mary had to face similar suffering...
how Jesus wept when Lazarus died;
comforted Mary and the others who were weeping also;
His pain in the Garden;
and Mary's suffering when she lost her Son.

There's a prayer called the Rosary of the 7 Sorrows of Mary. It's like the Rosary, but instead of the Mysteries, it gives the sorrows that Mary faced as she raised her Son and saw Him die on the Cross. Maybe this could be a time you could come closer to her because she is a Mother who lost a child and would know completely how you feel right now :hug:

God bless *hugs and prayers*

MoNiCa4316 · Dec 9, 2010

How to pray the Chaplet of the Seven Dolors of Our Lady

The Chaplet of the Seven Dolors of Our Lady has a total of 58 beads and a medal of the first dolor. There is a total of 7 sets of 7 beads, with 3 additional beads and a crucifix. On each of the seven beads if prayed the "Hail Mary...". On the separating beads is prayed the "Our Father...". On the 3 additional beads is prayed the "Hail Mary..." in remembrance of the tears of Mary that were shed because of the suffering of her Divine Son. These are said to obtain true sorrow for our sins.

The 7 groups of 7 Hail Mary's are recited in remembrance of the Seven Sorrows of Mary, namely:

1. The Prophecy of Simeon.
2. The flight into Egypt.
3. The loss of the Child Jesus.
4. Mary meets Jesus carrying His Cross.
5. The crucifixion.
6. Mary receives the body of Jesus from the Cross.
7. The body of Jesus is placed in the tomb.

After each set of seven beads is said the following prayer:

V. Pray for us, O most sorrowful Virgin.
R. That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

Concluding prayer:

Lord Jesus, we now implore,
both for the present
and for the hour of our death,
the intercession of the most Blessed Virgin Mary, Thy Mother,
whose holy soul was pierced
at the time of Thy Passion by a sword of grief.
Grant us this favour,
O Saviour of the world,
Who livest and reignest
with the Father and the Holy Spirit
for ever and ever.
Amen.

According to St. Bridget of Sweden (1303-1373), seven promises were made to those who medidate on Our Lady's Tears and Dolors. The Blessed Virgin grants seven graces to the souls who honour her daily by saying seven Hail Marys while meditating on her tears and dolors. These are:

1. "I will grant peace to their families."

2. "They will be enlightened about the Divine Mysteries."

3. "I will console them in their pains and I will accompany them in their work."

4. "I will give them as much as they ask for as long as it does not oppose the adorable will of my Divine Son or the sanctification of their souls."

5. "I will defend them in their spiritual battles with the infernal enemy and I will protect them at every instant of their lives."

6. "I will visibly help them at the moment of their death - they will see the face of their mother."

7. "I have obtained this grace from my Divine Son, that those who propagate this devotion to my tears and dolors will be taken directly from this earthly life to eternal happiness, since all their sins will be forgiven and my Son will be their eternal consolation and joy."

INDULGENCES
Benedict XIII., September 26th, 1724, granted an indulgence of two hundred days for every Our Father and every Hail Mary to those who, with sincere contrition, and having confessed, or firmly purposing to confess their sins, shall recite this Chaplet on any Friday, or on any day of Lent, on the Festival of the Seven Dolors, or within the Octave; and one hundred days on any other day of the year.

Clement XII., December 12, 1734, confirmed these indulgences, and moreover granted:

1. A Plenary indulgence to those who shall have recited this Chaplet for a month every day - Confession, Communion and Prayers for the Church, required as usual.

2. An indulgence of one hundred years to all who should recite it on any day, having confessed their sins, with sincere sorrow, or at least firmly purposing to do so.

3. One hundred and fifty years to those who should recite it on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and Holidays of obligation, with Confession and Communion.

4. A Plenary indulgence once a year, on any day, to those who are accustomed to recite it four times a week, on condition of Confession, Communion, and the Recital of the Chaplet on the day of Communion.

5. Two hundred years' indulgence to all who recite it devoutly after Confession; and to all who carry it about them, and frequently recite it, ten years' indulgence every time they shall hear Mass, hear a sermon, or reciting Our Father, and seven Hail Mary's, shall perform any spiritual or corporal work of mercy, in honor of our Blessed Saviour, the Blessed Virgin Mary, or any Saint, their advocate.

All these indulgences were confirmed by a decree of January 17th, 1747, and rendered applicable to the souls in Purgatory.

Chaplet of the Seven Dolors of Our Lady

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