Getting stuck in Friendzone

Just a quick thought that's probably been mentioned before (sorry, I'm blind-posting): Being friends with someone of the opposite sex is not a terrible thing. If anything, he's being afforded the awesome opportunity to learn more about the varying ways and personalities of women. He can get a better feel for the type of woman he'd really enjoy dating (without having to commit). He can get the "ins" on what goes on in the minds of those he's befriending. Also, it's not like it's unheard of to go from friends to lovers. JUST saying.

Thunder Peel said:

I'm still confused about all this. Half of the time I hear people saying "Just be yourself and the right person will come along" and the other half keeps saying "Change into this and follow these steps". I honestly have no idea what to think anymore.

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If you are lost in the forest, then you can
A) Stay put and wait for someone to find you.
B) Keep moving and hope you get to familiar ground.

Either way can potentially work, but you really have no way of knowing ahead of time which way will be more successful.

The advice being given is just different ways you can be successful (potentially). There is no right way, really, and you can't know ahead of time which way will work best.

To me, incrementally making the fruits of the spirit part of your "self" while being happy with who you are at the time seems to be the best bet (if you are a Christian).

peacechild4 said:

Thought this was funny.. regarding being friends with a broken love..

Having the love of your life break up w/ u & say u can still be friends is like having your dog die & your mom saying u can still keep it.

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That's what taxidermists are for!

It's hard to contribute anything new to a subject that has been rehashed over and over again, but what I've learned through personal experience is that worrying solves nothing, neither does complaining.

The best thing that any man can do is to take action, to change the issue that he is not happy with. It's a hard lesson to learn for some people, at least it has been for me and I'm still learning! I think that some of us may also need to accept that we won't get everything we want in life, precisely when we want it, whether it's a relationship or anything else.

Whilst doing so in a way that doesn't neglect God or one's personal relationship with Him, it's a good idea to work on improving oneself, so regular exercise both spiritual and physical would go a long way to making oneself more attractive. Rather than waffle on, I think I'd sum up my answer to this problem by saying, "Be the man". Be the loving man of God that one particular women will want to spend the rest of her life with. Or at least marry!

Howard Cneal said:

Can you see how your beliefs may be affecting your (lack of) success with women?

And technically, referring to women as "leftover scraps" may not be the best strategy to win their hearts. While you shouldn't treat them as prizes to be won, because they're not - you also may not want to refer to them as leftover scraps either. It's not very flattering.

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I know what my issues are. I lack confidence in this aspect, and I may never gain it....ever. It's disconcerting, I know.

However, I also do know what sort of women I would go for, and what I wouldn't. Oftentimes when I speak of "scraps", I'm referring to women who have been traumatized by their previous relationship, often refusing to really break up with this guy even though him and her are both dating other people. Sure she may be pretty, she may even have similar interests. But the fact that her state is more of a product of her previous relationship that she was booted from ("leftover"), and the fact is that I'm really there to try and like whatever is left ("scraps").

I'm tired of playing therapist, and I think that I deserve someone who has a much stronger metal state than I do. However, my track record says that this often isn't the case. So to reiterate, I get the leftover scraps. Unless I want to become the abuser, I'm stuck with the abused.

And that's just how life works.

Contrary to popular belief, he does not need to be cocky, or INSANELY SMOKING HOT, or have money/a nice car.

I think the problem with guys who get stuck in the friendzone, is that they're shy and go for "friends first". Girls don't like to date their friends, so if a guy stays jsut a tad "mysterious", jokes around with a girl, and makes their intentions fairly clear he won't get friend-zoned.

I don't know your friend at all so I can't say how he should go about that.

poeticlurker said:

I think the problem with guys who get stuck in the friendzone, is that they're shy and go for "friends first". Girls don't like to date their friends

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Some don't, and I see that as a HUGE problem. I see no point to dating if there isn't at least the chance of making it permanent (i.e., marriage), and if you're not married to your best friend of the opposite sex, you're in for trouble. And if you do it deliberately, you're out of your mind.

yup. my husband is going to be my best friend. Its actually why I prefer the friends first approach. If I can't be friends with him, I sure as heck can't have a deeper relationship with him.

I'd rather be in the Twilight Zone.

I'm good at friendzoning when there's no interest and no history together.

Doing it currently with this girl that has barely had any conversation with me but she says she's crushing on me to people that knows me, and I think she's ugly and her stories that she told my best friend makes me think she's nothing but a tramp.

Friendzoning is good for protecting yourself too from what you don't want.

A lot of my good friends are women but there's no romantic interest between us so I don't think twice about it. I guess I can see how it would be frustrating if you liked the person though.

broken_one said:

If you are some uberconfident man who is also ripped and has a dash of Don Juan, then yes just be yourself.

Otherwise, the jerk is what works.

And for us who are not the former and have too much of a conscience to be the latter, you're either getting nothing or getting the scraps/leftovers of someone else.

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That's odd--my boyfriend isn't ripped and doesn't have a dash of Don Juan, but didn't have to put on this jerk show to get me interested. Same goes with my parents, my grandparents, all of my dating friends, and just about 99% of everyone who manages to get together with someone outside of frat parties and MTV. Are we all just the scraps and losers?

broken_one said:

I know what my issues are. I lack confidence in this aspect, and I may never gain it....ever. It's disconcerting, I know.

However, I also do know what sort of women I would go for, and what I wouldn't. Oftentimes when I speak of "scraps", I'm referring to women who have been traumatized by their previous relationship, often refusing to really break up with this guy even though him and her are both dating other people. Sure she may be pretty, she may even have similar interests. But the fact that her state is more of a product of her previous relationship that she was booted from ("leftover"), and the fact is that I'm really there to try and like whatever is left ("scraps").

I'm tired of playing therapist, and I think that I deserve someone who has a much stronger metal state than I do. However, my track record says that this often isn't the case. So to reiterate, I get the leftover scraps. Unless I want to become the abuser, I'm stuck with the abused.

And that's just how life works.

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This is one of the reasons why you are single.

You believe there is actually a type of woman that is leftover scraps.

Good luck with that type of thinking because if your thinking is true, you are left over scraps of all those women that you feel burned you. The elitism stinks to high heaven might I add.

^ that

To answer the OP: there have been guys i have been friends with that I liked more than friends and I suspected liked me more than friends, but they would never ask me out and even give me speals about how it ruins friendships when you get together with a friend while complaining that they are always friendzoned. So then I'd be confused and think, "well I guess he really doesn't like me more than friends, etc". And I wouldn't make a move b/c I thought the persons made it pretty clear that they had a great deal of anxiety over being friends and then becoming more and I wasn't going to push something that awkward to them. Sooooo it felt like things went around in circles. When I started going out with my b/f, I had specific guy friends that were upset about it. And quite honestly, it seriously peeved me b/c if either had asked me out I would have accepted. I knew they liked me and I had tried to let them know that I was favorable towards a relationship. But no one ever asked me out!!!!! So I wasn't going to just wait around and waste time while everything just went around in a big ole circle over and over again. My b/f is my b/f because he made his interest known, he was my friend to begin with-took the time to get to know me, he actually asked me out and didn't give me a lecture about how he's always in the friendzone and could never date his friend in hopes of pushing me into asking him out first. that other stuff is very confusing and too much of a game. If you like someone who is your friend, let them know, ask them out..... If they don't feel the same, move on. It's not a game and it's definitely not a blame game if they don't feel the same about you.

broken_one said:

I know what my issues are. I lack confidence in this aspect, and I may never gain it....ever. It's disconcerting, I know.

However, I also do know what sort of women I would go for, and what I wouldn't. Oftentimes when I speak of "scraps", I'm referring to women who have been traumatized by their previous relationship, often refusing to really break up with this guy even though him and her are both dating other people. Sure she may be pretty, she may even have similar interests. But the fact that her state is more of a product of her previous relationship that she was booted from ("leftover"), and the fact is that I'm really there to try and like whatever is left ("scraps").

I'm tired of playing therapist, and I think that I deserve someone who has a much stronger metal state than I do. However, my track record says that this often isn't the case. So to reiterate, I get the leftover scraps. Unless I want to become the abuser, I'm stuck with the abused.

And that's just how life works.

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Maybe it's because A: you're a complete misogynist who refers to women as "leftovers" and "scraps", as if you're Tom Leykis, and B: you're one of those "beautiful and unique snowflakes" who thinks his deuce don't stink, and thinks you deserve a lot better than what you actually deserve. Tell me, son, what did you do to "deserve" someone with a stronger mental state than you? Or to deserve a woman at all, really? What makes you so special?

Ack! If there was ever a time for MOOBS - I think it's now. Chest bumping young bucks can injure themselves...