It's good that you were able to apologize to him. That's a great step. Did you also talk to God about what you had done, and ask for His forgiveness? Remember, He loves you and He wants to forgive you, so don't be afraid to talk to God.
I'm sad for you that you are suffering from mental illness, but I have a message of hope for you. Yes hope! Jesus is your hope my friend and you don't have to stay locked in this paranoia and joyless life because there is freedom in the blood of Christ. Now freedom in this life doesn't always mean 100% healing, but for some it does. What it can mean for you is freedom from loneliness, from the inability to move ahead, from joyless life.
My encouragement for you is to begin with prayer. Every good thing come from God, and our relationship with Him is based on our faith in Christ Jesus, but to keep it going at a good pace, it's important to communicate. Talk to God and talk to Him often. Don't worry about what to say or how to say it, or about being a specific type of praying person. Just find quiet time, and close your eyes, take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and begin to talk to God. Remember that He knows everything about you already, so you're talking to somebody who knows you, who you have no secrets from, and who loves you anyway. Remember that you have the blood of Christ covering your sins, when you accept Jesus as your Savior, and God will forgive you whenever you talk to Him, asking for forgiveness with a truthful heart.
To address your illness, and the paranoia, I think it would be helpful to look at the situation from another angle. Let's say there is a man with epilepsy who has 30+ grand mal seizures a day, and when he's not seizing, he's so depressed over what his life has become.... joyless, empty, so alone. Let's say that He knows the Lord Jesus as His Savior. Some may argue "if God knows Him, and Jesus is His Savior, then why doesn't God heal Him?" The answer for that is not simple but it's not difficult to understand. In this life we are both flesh and spirit. The man with the seizures who loves the Lord is "spirit" which is connected to God, but his body is flesh which is connected to the sins of humanity and must endure the manifestation of sin. Now it's not particularly his sin that has made him an epileptic, but rather the bigger picture of a sin immersed humanity. When this man stands before God, on the day of judgement, the blood of Christ will cover him and he will also be given a new body (the bible says that when we see Christ we shall become like He is, and that means a new healthy body). Until that time, our bodies are subject to cause and effect of all that has gone on here on earth since the first sin of man. Does that mean that the man with epilepsy must suffer with no cause for hope, and no possibility of relief? No, I don't believe that it does. Now for some, life is full of agony and pain until the day they day, but even for them, when they know the Lord Jesus, there is hope. In that hope there is peace that passes all "human" understanding.
If that man with epilepsy prayed to God, asking Him to guide him to a better doctor, and to medication that gave him relief, and to compassionate Christ loving friends, and to give him a life with joy in it, do you think that God would listen? I think that God would listen, and I believe that God would answer. God may not take the epilepsy away (for some He has healed it completely!) but He may bring about changes in the man's life that would benefit Him in such a way that His life would become better, and he would finally know joy.
I believe the same can happen for you. We have two options when we are burdened with sickness and despair. We can make the sickness and despair our sole focus, telling ourselves that it's hopeless and nothing will ever get better for us..... OR.... we can lay it at the feet of Christ, knowing that He will be our strength, and He will lead us out of the darkness that we are presently in.
I do know one thing. The more time you spend in prayer, and in God's word, the less time you have to worry about what other people are up to, or to allow paranoia to control you.
God bless you!
