Insecurity/phone snooping

HB2012 · Sep 7, 2010

Just wanted to ask other courting couples:

Females: do you snoop through your mans phone?
Males: would you be upset if you girl snoops through your phone?

I am a massively insecure woman, who God is healing! I am dating a lovely man, and we are getting married next year, but i just dont have self worth. i made a post last week about my friends saying if i treat him bad i would ensure he stays close to me.

I am just so scared that i am not good enough, that he would meet someone who he feels is much better than me and call off our wedding for the woman.

Initially, i used to go through his phone and try to ban him from talking to other women out of fear, but i have been praying, and the Lord has helped me. But i still look through his phone maybe in the middle of the night out of fear.
Yesterday he told me he wanted me to stop dragging my feet when i walk and eating with my hands in public or eating with my mouth open, and immediately i just felt so insecure.

I have NEVER seen anything on the phone that would make me suspect him, he hasnt given me any reason to suspect, but i am just scared that he might decide to like someone else. i dated someone who i tried not snooping on in the past and he cheated on me. so i am just scared and its just crazy because anything i see i become suspicous. Any new contact on his phone scares me, was going through his messages and realised he has a new friend who just broke up with her man, and she seems nice. I havent been able to sleep since then out of worry, my mind just keeps running round, what if she has better table manners, what if he spends time with her and decides he likes her better............

I really need to work on my self esteem. any advice, anyone who went through something similar? do you check your mans phone?

Windmill · Sep 7, 2010

Just checking... did he tell you that he personally didn't like the eating with your hands/mouth open/you dragging your feet? Was he nice about it? Or was he commanding? Because golly girl, if you want to eat with your mouth open, you eat with your mouth open! Though if he simply said he didn't like it, consider it, because it is considered culturally rude. How did he tell you?

HB2012 · Sep 7, 2010

Windmill said:
Just checking... did he tell you that he personally didn't like the eating with your hands/mouth open/you dragging your feet? Was he nice about it? Or was he commanding? Because golly girl, if you want to eat with your mouth open, you eat with your mouth open! Though if he simply said he didn't like it, consider it, because it is considered culturally rude. How did he tell you?

He said it very very nicely and calmly, like he was treading on eggshells cos he didnt want me to feel bad about it. He said it was somehow especially when i did it in public. Said we could work on it together, that he would remind me whenevr i start doing it because he knows its something i do not on purpose.

But i just felt so not 'chic' enough, like very local.

NiobiumTragedy · Sep 7, 2010

In all honesty, if my wife would have been the type to snoop through my phone out of suspicion, I would have immediately dumped her and we would have never gotten married. Jealous and untrustworthy relationships are usually very toxic. Having been in one before, I can honestly say that I would never put myself through the grief and constant aggravation that came with it. It was a constant battle where there needed to be none and there was a lot of pointless fighting due to insecurity.

The bottom line is that you can not truly love a partner if you do not trust them. We're not talking the type of love a parent has for their child, but a love shared between two people to complete each other.

TeachMe · Sep 7, 2010

Well I wouldn't say snoop. I'm a very honest person and so is he. We know each others passwords to email accounts and neither of us have a problem with the other checking the others message if the phone goes off!

I think the key here is. . . does he mind?

I would never go through Mr C's phone or email account if he didn't want me to. (Although I would wonder why he didn't and ask him directly about this) but both of us are commited to trust and honesty so we don't have an issue with it.

However as you have said, the issue here with you is your low self esteem. I truly believe the only cure for this is a strong realtionship with Jesus Christ. Turn to him, realize that He is your peace, the One who gives you your worth and that you are amazingly precious to Him.

Refuse to listen to the lies of the one who would steal your soul, and read the Truth daily in God's word.

Bless!

The Nihilist · Sep 7, 2010

TeachMe said:
However as you have said, the issue here with you is your low self esteem. I truly believe the only cure for this is a strong realtionship with Jesus Christ.

This is demonstrably untrue. There are plenty of cures. For example, I cured mine by being awesome.

But yeah, don't go through the phone without explicit permission. That's good advice.

Ready for the World · Sep 10, 2010

I wouldnt be upset if she checked my phone. Id give her my msn, aim, yahoo password too! Anything to make her feel better! I would never cheat on her! Its to let her know that "Look hunny, I would never cheat on you and if it drives you crazy not knowing then you can check everything you like. =)"

Vico · Sep 10, 2010

The Nihilist said:
I cured mine by being awesome.

In christian terms that means "pride".

CrystalBrooke · Sep 10, 2010

It's wrong of you to snoop through his stuff, plain and simple. I would be furious if Charlie went through my phone. If he hasn't given you a reason not to trust him then I suggest you get on your knees and ask God to help you get rid of this problem that you have.

Luther073082 · Sep 10, 2010

It seriously sounds like you don't trust this man and you need to change that before you get married.

Honestly ask yourself this. . . if he's going to dump you for another woman, what good is checking his phone going to do? Nothing. Trying to spy on your fiance is not going to stop him from desiring someone else, its only going to increase the likelyhood. Checking his phone isn't going to save you from anything, its only going to make you look worse.

In terms of him asking you to change some of your eating habits. Especially when he is asking nicely you should consider doing it. Mostly because of culture and manners.

There is going to be a major problem if you start feeling insecure every time your fiance and future husband asks you to change something or do something. He shouldn't have to walk on egg shells to do something like that.

I think you need to work on your own confidence and sense of self worth before you get married. Because things like this are going to be toxic in the marriage. You need to start approaching this relationship like an adult instead of like a clingly teenager.

FYI, I myself would have dumped you a long time ago for trying to spy on me and being so thinned skin that you can't take the most polite and mildest critisms without feeling insecure.

Avniel · Sep 10, 2010

No we don't, snoop we actually trust each other. What is a relationship with out trust?

The Nihilist · Sep 11, 2010

Vico said:
In christian terms that means "pride".

Don't worry, Vico. If you try really super hard and if you do good in school, maybe you'll be awesome some day too, and then you won't have to rain on the parade of people who don't feel bad about themselves.

mina · Sep 11, 2010

no, i would never snoop through any of my b/f's things. I trust him and have no reason to snoop. I wouldn't want him to snoop through my things either , but if he were curious all he has to do is ask and I'd let him see whatever he feels he needs to see. I have nothing to hide.

k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe · Sep 24, 2010

NiobiumTragedy said:
In all honesty, if my wife would have been the type to snoop through my phone out of suspicion, I would have immediately dumped her and we would have never gotten married. Jealous and untrustworthy relationships are usually very toxic. Having been in one before, I can honestly say that I would never put myself through the grief and constant aggravation that came with it. It was a constant battle where there needed to be none and there was a lot of pointless fighting due to insecurity.

The bottom line is that you can not truly love a partner if you do not trust them. We're not talking the type of love a parent has for their child, but a love shared between two people to complete each other.

Agree with this ^^.

I've never had to go through that sort of relationship like you, however. Sorry, dude. That must have really sucked

gzt · Sep 30, 2010

I'd be [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed. I'm a rather private person. I mean, hey, I don't do anything wrong, so she could look through my phone and e-mail all she wants. I'm sure she's the same way. But I'd be [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed if she did.

bp88 · Oct 25, 2010

I consider it a massive personal space violation if someone reads my email or texts without permission.

~Lynz~ · Oct 26, 2010

i used to want to snoop through my exs phones (2 of my exs actually.) the trust wasnt there. i constantly thought they would cheat one me and i was majorly insecure becasue espically my ex husband he used to tell me how to act and not to eat with my hands some times when we were out (but im sorry chips are acceptable to eat with your hands if ur in a facny restraunt or not)

and with my current boyfriend the even want to snoop though his phone isnt there. i dont ask who hes texting all i know is that who ever he texts its not going to be a case that hes posibly cheating on me. i trust him 100% not to hurt me because he loves and trusts me the same as i love and trust him. (which is actually really ironic as after my ex husband cheating on me i thought i would never trust another man again.)

i dont care if my bf wanted to check all my phone id let him and he would let me check is. the point is tho really we donot need to check each others phones to be secure that neither of us would cheat on the other.

my advice would be to try and address your trust issues.

seremela06 · Oct 27, 2010

Jumoke09 said:
Just wanted to ask other courting couples:

Females: do you snoop through your mans phone?
Males: would you be upset if you girl snoops through your phone?

I am a massively insecure woman, who God is healing! I am dating a lovely man, and we are getting married next year, but i just dont have self worth. i made a post last week about my friends saying if i treat him bad i would ensure he stays close to me.

I am just so scared that i am not good enough, that he would meet someone who he feels is much better than me and call off our wedding for the woman.

Initially, i used to go through his phone and try to ban him from talking to other women out of fear, but i have been praying, and the Lord has helped me. But i still look through his phone maybe in the middle of the night out of fear.
Yesterday he told me he wanted me to stop dragging my feet when i walk and eating with my hands in public or eating with my mouth open, and immediately i just felt so insecure.

I have NEVER seen anything on the phone that would make me suspect him, he hasnt given me any reason to suspect, but i am just scared that he might decide to like someone else. i dated someone who i tried not snooping on in the past and he cheated on me. so i am just scared and its just crazy because anything i see i become suspicous. Any new contact on his phone scares me, was going through his messages and realised he has a new friend who just broke up with her man, and she seems nice. I havent been able to sleep since then out of worry, my mind just keeps running round, what if she has better table manners, what if he spends time with her and decides he likes her better............

I really need to work on my self esteem. any advice, anyone who went through something similar? do you check your mans phone?

you sound so much like me... i don't have much advice other than if you want the relationship to work, you're going to have to learn to trust him. if you keep snooping, you will eventually find what you're looking for. you can become completely obsessed with this practice (for me it was email), and it's extremely unhealthy for a relationship - especially one heading for marriage. i would encourage you to talk to him about it, let him know what your insecurities are, and try to come up with a solution to make both of you more comfortable.

E.C. · Oct 27, 2010

Jumoke09 said:
Just wanted to ask other courting couples:

Females: do you snoop through your mans phone?
Males: would you be upset if you girl snoops through your phone?

That depends; do I have anything to hide?

Insecurity/phone snooping

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