Emotional Numbness needs major relief...

It's late so I'm going to be brief for now...

In short my story is this:

Used to be full of love; Love for myself, family, God and others....

Loved a girl too young (age 15) Deep deep love. Got hurt really bad. Incredible painful trauma for me.

Dated her again! Anniversary of the breakup, I get nervous and see what I think is a bad sign.... I shut off. No more emotions.

More or less been that way for 5 years now. Been struggling with depression and anxiety since. I can't not feel love or love others anymore... I NEED it. That's all I was.

I know there is a deep deep hurt that is holding me back, and making me put up a wall. And I know there is a huge fear of feelings. I need to overcome this, but I don't know how to let it go. Very rarely can I cry some of this deep pain out. I can't feel God's love... but I keep trying and praying.

I just want to love so bad.

I guess any guidance or prayer would be appreciated. I'm in a good church with good people and they are helping... but its still so hard.

Thanks

First of all, thank you everyone for your support... and wow how fast. That's really reassuring. Maybe one day I will help people like you guys do.

Ok so....

Originally posted by KnightCross
bobbygolucky,

The body and mind reacts to traumatic experiences, leaving us feeling numb for awhile. God has installed an "overflow valve", and it keeps the pressure topped off when you've had too much.

However, it sound to me like you've forgot to reset yours, it has kept itself turned on to protect you against further imagined harm.

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Yes that is pretty much what I've finally learned happened. Part of the reason I never turned it off it this: The second time when I thought I was going to be hurt again; the time when I numbed up and shut off, there wasn't anything actually going wrong. She did not want to leave me and still loved me... Thus my heart never saw what it thought was supposed to happen: a breakup with heart wrenching pain. We dated on and off as I tried whatever I could think of to overcome this for her so I could love her like I wanted to and knew I did. Although I tried separation, I never REALLY separated from her for long, or at all. We just couldn't bring ourselves to break the tie.

Well she finally was able to during her second semester last year when she studied abroad. She got over me, at least for the most part.

But until recently, I didn't have real closure. I still held onto some kind of hope even when I said I didn't. I would get physically sick hearing about her with another guy (even though she wasn't dating any of them,) or anything that even remotely suggested her having a life without me or anything that reminded me of the past when she broke up with me.

But a few days ago we sat down and did the final 'its over and done with' talk, so I could get an absolute definite and hopefully start my healing from there.

If you seek True Love, you WILL find it. Don't rush it, give God time to work it out for you and you won't regret it. Pray to Jesus directly and keep asking for what your heart longs for.

Click to expand...

I know that I can't push to have my one true love and future wife right now... my main problem is that it cut off pretty much all of my emotions and love towards everyone. I don't really feel the good deep laughter or pain, or comradery(sp?) that people grow accustomed to. I can feel this deep deep strong hurt that causes my wall and spends all its energy holding back my feelings, and blocking others. I know its there, but most of the time I can't feel the pain to release it, I just feel numb. But sometimes things cause it to suddenly rise up and I breakdown in pain and crying. Normally these things had to be something to do with the girl I speak of, but other times it could be the end of a school year where everyone is leaving me, or a movie where someone is losing a big love of theirs. But those don't normally bring the pain full strength.

A couple times since 'the talk' I have been able to bring up the pain and release some of it, one time in a huge crying episode. For the first time ever after I was done, I felt a slight sense of relief. My problem is most of the time I can't get to the pain... its too well buried. It takes a whole LOT of energy and trying (which causes anxiety and stress too) or some trigger.

I don't know, I think these new days it might be much more ready to come out.

I do go to a psychologist (make sure they have a phd,) and separately, I console with a very loving and knowing elder from my church. He provides the God end of things, which is fantastic.

I just want to make sure I do what I need to face this. Because everything in me always wants to run away from facing the pain, or letting someone love me, or letting go.

Thanks for your help and prayers. It really does make a difference.

God Bless

I have had times over the past couple days where I have felt god's hand upon me in a certain ways.

For one, for a good chunk of time, I had this air of confidence, and felt that I was starting to finally take the steps to get over this. And that was a good feeling, something I haven't really felt in a long time.

God helped me through an elder at church who is just an amazing guy, and I know that he will be there with me all the way through this whenever I need him, which means god is there for me through him. My heart doesn't always remember this, but periods here and there are an improvement.

Last church session I felt my comfort level around others just go way up, and it wasn't because of anything I did.

Lastly, I've sort of made an important discovery. I thought that the reason I avoided people and didn't feel right in close emotional situations with people was because I hated the numb feeling. Well that's true, but I looked back at all of those times and that feeling and realized something so plain as day that I can't believe I didn't see it. I suffered not only numbness in those situations, but an incredible fear of getting close to them in any way, and a fear that letting myself feel their deeper emotions or sharing mine would result in some sort of pain. Ultimately I believe this expected pain is mainly abandoment. Big changes in friends for awhile, or big ends to things... like ends of the year at college where everyone is moving out... made me extremely full of pain for a short period, ready to cry at every moment, and searching for people, anyone, to be with.

Not that I actually thought this in my head, in fact it would seem ridiculous to think this in most situations because there are very few relationships where you get close enough to someone to get hurt the way I did. But this fear is humming right along hidden inside of me and burdening all relationships. Even with God. Its weird, its like a reflex, because logically I don't find any reason to be afraid of sharing emotional experiences with people, in fact I truly thirst to have that again. But when I get in those situations, or approach them, my heart just kind of automatically ducks, covers, and wants nothing more than to get the heck out of there. I never even could pinpoint why I wanted so badly to get away from people in lots of situations.

The place I felt most comfortable all this time, was just hanging out with the group of friends that I've had for years on end. I felt comfortable there because we've long passed sharing deep emotions and really just gotten to a much more shallow level, where we essentially hang out because we are so comfortable with the faces around us because they have been there for so long.

Anywhere that was more emotionally charged then that 'safe' environment made me at the least very tense and emotionally cut off, and at the most a very urgent want to leave.

Sorry for the lengthy description... Anyway... I guess the problem is now paying attention to what god is telling me the changes I need to make... and somehow eventually releasing that fear and first being able to trust and let god love me... and then the other relationships will follow. It seems so impossible based on how it feels, but I think if I follow the gods provided direction and make those changes, that it might get a lot easier to release the fear.

One of those directions I believe is that my friends of choice needs a serious overhaul. That's really hard to do because these friends have been with me so long, some of them since kindergarten, and they used to be so full of love. Its so hard to pull away. Change is so hard I guess. I never liked change. But I really need friends that at the least are truly loving, and idealy strong faith christians. I'm already making some efforts to do that, and I'll let you know how that goes.

I also believe one of those directions from God might be to be brave and go off to the program I really want to do for grad school at NYU. To really just grit my teeth, and leave my comfort circle behind. (Many of my friends from young life even followed me to college and I live with them.) The program would be by far the best for me to take, and over the past couple days since praying more I have suddenly got very excited about going. I graduate undergrad in May.

Whooooeee... sorry long winded. Thanks if you actually made it through all that. And thank you for your responses and prayers. It has helped tremendously, probably more than I know.

God Bless,
Bob

Oh, and btw my major is New Media. (Web Design, Digital Video, 3D modeling animation etc., special effects, 2D design, interactive design.) The program at NYU is a Masters in Digital Imaging!! Fun! So if you happen to know anyone with a small business that needs a website, send them my way! hehe.... Sorry for the plug.

Ok time to try and sleep again. Almost 6 am here... Been rollin around for hours! (But I sleep great during the day, when I should be doing things. Go figure.)

night!

I added you to my AIM buddy list. We can chat over that sometime if you don't mind.

I am essentially seeing a christian counselor in that Elder that I spoke of. He's been through a lot and knows first hand what I'm dealing with.

I also see a highly credited psychologist who helps me on the more logical and medical side of things.

They both are helping.

I'm not sure what an accountability group is, so I'm guessing I don't have one. I am trying to get more deeply involved with my parents church which I feel is a good one. Its a calvarly chapel.

I will integrate your suggestions. I am trying hard to give more of my anxiety over to god. Its really hard to figure out how to let it go though. It feels like its not my will that holds it there.

I try to get out pretty much every night.

I try not to think of her often, but I'm not sure teaching myself not to think about her is necessarily a good idea. Everyone has told me that I have to let the hurt come out and feel it fully then let it go. Which probably means thinking of her when I hurt.

Gotta scoot... my AIM name is in my profile.

Thanks for everything,

Just need a little reassurance I think...

I have kept praying and will continue to keep praying about all this, but its so hard because most of the time I feel like I'm just talking to myself.

I KNOW he is there, but I just don't know how to make my heart let go and accept his help and love. It just feels so beyond my control... like my heart is completely unaffected or not listening to anything I try and tell it. Sure once and awhile I open it up a little bit and feel some of the hurt (or someone else does.) But it so quickly closes back up even though I try my hardest to keep it there.

It is *SO* hard to keep going through life just doing the motions and feeling nothing. I know how intense a struggle it is because I can feel it absolutely draining me, and stressing my body... making my eyes hurt and my stomach uneasy. It is *SO* tiring to keep fighting it day after day. I want to love people so bad... I want to help others, and make people smile. I want to direct my close friends to God. But its so hard to even keep just enough hope and strength to get me through the day, or keep myself moving.

I just want to feel God's love first... I pray that he at least grants me that... even if I still have trouble with others for awhile. I need his love... I need to feel something. I pray for it but I can't feel it... its just emptiness day after day and fear of the next emotionally close interaction with someone. I know you guys talk about giving it to god and having faith and trust in him etc... But it really feels like the chicken or the egg thing.

I need to be able to feel my connection with god and my true faith to be able to hand it over... but i need into my heart to access those. I wonder sometimes if God just feels that my faith isn't strong enough to deserve his help... I know it sounds bad but it really bothers me. I can't give him things that are what I'm saying are locked away in the first place... I feel like I need some sort of spiritual strength or courage from him before I can climb any farther. This fear or defense or whatever it is just has an incredible hold on me and I need God's help to really reach out to him. Sounds like a paradox.

I also have found out a little more about just how guilty I feel for hurting the girl. She loved me and I loved her but I threw up this emotional block and couldn't get through it. I tried so hard everything I could think of to overcome the wall but I just couldn't get there. I still loved her and didn't want to watch her hurt... but I couldn't fix it and I had to literally watch her slip away while it felt like I was paralyzed. Like someone with a fear of heights who can't overcome it to save someone who is clinging on to an edge for their life, and because of his nonaction the person falls.

She talked to me the other day. (No I don't make contact with her and yes I've let her know I can't handle that.) She eventually mentions how much she misses me as a friend and wants me to say that one day I'll have overcome the pain enough to be normal friends with her. Well I talked a lot about why I couldn't and what I was dealing with and that I was sorry but I can only manage to think about myself right now, and barely that much. She retorted with all the pain she felt from me and what it's done to her. She emphasized it wasn't my fault... but I know my heart thinks it is. I think maybe this guilt is a big piece of my problem... but I don't know. I also know that my Mom won't be truly happy until she knows I am... she loves me so much that if I'm not happy, she just can't be. She worries if it is her fault... But I also feel responsible for her pain.

Enough for tonight,
~Bob