request for advice

Joey,

You are wrong about one thing; it is NOT unchristian to keep distance between yourself and toxic people. It is NOT unloving. It is wise.

Father, I pray that you ease Joey's mind and heart. Let your peace be her guide. Strengthen and encourage her and send wonderful Christian women into her life. Help her to maintain the relationships she wants and not fear anyone or anything. In Jesus' Name.

I would avoid those people too.

joey_downunder said:

I thought it was time I asked for some christian advice.

I came from a family that had a lot of conflict, emotional blackmail, blurred personal boundaries and when my husband got posted to another city (meaning I was finally free of my family) in 2002 inwardly I swore that I would make sure that I would keep the distance as great as possible. Very unchristian and unloving I know.... and very convenient having a husband who has to be posted all around the country every couple of years.

At that time my family had just fallen apart because of my mother's affair with her now husband and I was completely burnt-out from having to suppress all my feelings to appear supportive to her (so my father didn't become physically violent towards my mother).

Now I want to be able to see my sister in another city sometimes but that means I would probably have to see my mother as well as she has recently moved to that very same city. At the end of the year we will be moving interstate and even further away from that sister's city.

I don't know what to do about the situation. Any good advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Issues like this are tough. The only advice I can offer is to tell you my story and offer my support prayers and love to you.

My mother has had a long standing addiction to narcotics. Because of this addiction, she was verbally and physically abusive to my sister and I as children. I put up with her abuse for 18 years. I won't lie, I wanted to be loved by her. One day, I came to the realization that she loved her drugs more than she ever loved me. She even verbally vocalized that she chose her drugs over me. My relationship has never been the same with her since.

I really struggled with the Christian aspect of the mother-daughter relationship, and the fact that I now no longer spoke to her. After all, the bible says that we are to honor our mothers, right? I had pastors, mentors and Christian counselors all tell me that I was not sinning and I was doing the right thing by removing her from my life. However, I did forgive her. She never asked for it. But, they all agreed that since I genuinely forgave her, I was not sinning.

She never made an effort to have a relationship with me. Not once. I moved 2 years ago, and 6 months ago she moved to the same area. She swears up and down she's clean, and is still not trying to mend things. But, I do see her more. Its been rough on me. She lives with my grandparents. So, if I want to see them, I have to see her. Its been a good lesson for me though. Good practice of the forgiveness I gave her. I read something tonight that really helps put the topic of forgiveness into perspective...

"According to Kendall when you forgive someone you do not:

Approve of what they did

Excuse what they did

Justify what they did

Refuse to take the wrong seriously

Pretend you are not hurt

Pardon what they did (i.e., release them from consequences)

Reconcile with them (they may be unwilling or unsafe)

Deny what they did or blind yourself to what happened

Forget what happened

Instead, forgiveness is growing in the act of not holding things over people – of yielding one’s right to hurt (or punish) the other in return for what they did to us. Kendall says that we know we have actually forgiven someone when we honestly ask God to forgive the one(s) who hurt us and let them off the hook. When you forgive, you do not keep a record of what they did, you refuse to punish them, you don’t tell others what happened, you seek to be merciful, gracious and free of forgiveness."

You don't have to forget what your mom did, you don't have to reconcile with her, you don't have to excuse or justify her actions at all, but by forgiving her, you can't hold it over her head. See your sister. Be civil with your mom if you see her. But don't feel you need to have any kind of relationship with her.

I'm praying for you!

joey_downunder said:

I thought it was time I asked for some christian advice.

I came from a family that had a lot of conflict, emotional blackmail, blurred personal boundaries and when my husband got posted to another city (meaning I was finally free of my family) in 2002 inwardly I swore that I would make sure that I would keep the distance as great as possible. Very unchristian and unloving I know.... and very convenient having a husband who has to be posted all around the country every couple of years.

At that time my family had just fallen apart because of my mother's affair with her now husband and I was completely burnt-out from having to suppress all my feelings to appear supportive to her (so my father didn't become physically violent towards my mother).

Now I want to be able to see my sister in another city sometimes but that means I would probably have to see my mother as well as she has recently moved to that very same city. At the end of the year we will be moving interstate and even further away from that sister's city.

I don't know what to do about the situation. Any good advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Honestly? I have a sister who has a boyfriend, and they both are horribly idealistic and immature. Very disrespectful. The boyfriend, who is 7 years my junior, tried to chew me out for something that was none of his business. I had no qualms about cutting him off from my life. At the rate my mother's going, I may have to do the same with her. I don't allow people in my life who will ruin my day on a consistent basis.

Check out Boundaries. Cloud and Townsend represent Christian psychology at its finest.

joey_downunder said:

I thought it was time I asked for some christian advice.

I came from a family that had a lot of conflict, emotional blackmail, blurred personal boundaries and when my husband got posted to another city (meaning I was finally free of my family) in 2002 inwardly I swore that I would make sure that I would keep the distance as great as possible. Very unchristian and unloving I know.... and very convenient having a husband who has to be posted all around the country every couple of years.

At that time my family had just fallen apart because of my mother's affair with her now husband and I was completely burnt-out from having to suppress all my feelings to appear supportive to her (so my father didn't become physically violent towards my mother).

Now I want to be able to see my sister in another city sometimes but that means I would probably have to see my mother as well as she has recently moved to that very same city. At the end of the year we will be moving interstate and even further away from that sister's city.

I don't know what to do about the situation. Any good advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Hi Joey and welcome to a lot of peoples lives your family life sounds very similar to mine and to the lives of a lot of people that I have met through out my life. Normal life is hard enough without having to deal with these "extra things" that some of us seem to have to deal with.

Jesus said in Luke to some of His followers that they should stay in the city until they were clothed in the power from on High, which means to be clothed in love from God. Joey if you can take a "time out", so to speak, to regroup, then that is what you should do. And in an ideal world finding some one or a group of people that are basically positive oriented and up beat that you can hang out with would be very productive because attempting change without an example of how one would like to be is very difficult.

My suggestion would be to go explore different churches until you find a person or some people in a church that are the "Opposite" of your family then visit with them and see if they will let you hang out with them. Because they will be a loving up beat person or people, they will understand and not mind if you hang out with them and probably go do things with them. Because those kind of people do not mind.

Give Jesus a loving "hug" and go take a risk you need to be around some Christian people that are loving and up beat and the opposite of your family or you are going to spend a lot of your life in conflict because of the nature of what you are up against.

you are loved!

love,

tuck

joey_downunder said:

Now I want to be able to see my sister in another city sometimes but that means I would probably have to see my mother as well as she has recently moved to that very same city. At the end of the year we will be moving interstate and even further away from that sister's city.

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One question. Why? Why do you have to see your mother just becaue she is in the same city? there is no reason you have to. Your number one priority when it comes to family is your husband and kids if you have any. Your parents and siblings and in laws are all secondary. If being near any of these extended family memebrs places a strain on your marriage or kids then stay away. It sounds to me like meeting your mum might be stressful and cause problems but only you can be sure of that.


Otherwise let me reinforce what jaws said about the book Boundaries. It is a great book that my wife and I did study on once a week. We also did the following books Boundaries before marriage (US book sites will call it Boundaries in Dating) and Boundaries in marriage. Well worth buying. However if you are strapped for cash then if you give me a month to find it and I will post one of our spare copies to you (we have three copies) if you like.

Jaws13 said:

Check out Boundaries. Cloud and Townsend represent Christian psychology at its finest.

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I 2nd that emotion

I also think it's funny that one of the negative reviews on Amazon says "It quoted the Bible too much" hah



There are healthy boundaries, and you should use this book to help you establish them. But I personally don't think completely cutting them off is healthy. Severely limiting time around them is fine, but they are your family.

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
John 13:34

TheDag said:

One question. Why? Why do you have to see your mother just becaue she is in the same city? there is no reason you have to. Your number one priority when it comes to family is your husband and kids if you have any. Your parents and siblings and in laws are all secondary. If being near any of these extended family memebrs places a strain on your marriage or kids then stay away. It sounds to me like meeting your mum might be stressful and cause problems but only you can be sure of that.


Otherwise let me reinforce what jaws said about the book Boundaries. It is a great book that my wife and I did study on once a week. We also did the following books Boundaries before marriage (US book sites will call it Boundaries in Dating) and Boundaries in marriage. Well worth buying. However if you are strapped for cash then if you give me a month to find it and I will post one of our spare copies to you (we have three copies) if you like.

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Dag, I would like to read that book also . I need the name of the book, the name of the author, and the name of the publisher, so that I can order it from our local book store. I do not have a credit card that works on the internet.

just love! and thank you,

love,

tuck

something I always consider about toxic people is that consequences are healthy. If someone treats me in an unacceptable way, the consequence is they don't get to see me. If there are no consequences for the inappropriate behavior, what is the incentive for them to ever stop? Consequences are not unholy, and they are found all over the Scriptures: "If a man doesn't work, he doesn't eat."

also remember that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. I can forgive a bad behavior, but that doesn't mean I can be around the person delivering it, or that God wants me to be around them.

And yes, Boundaries by Townsend and Cloude is a great book, as is the book on forgiveness by Kendall. I don't know the publishers, but a search on Amazon.com I think would be pretty easy. (I have dial-up, very slow, otherwise I'd do it for you.)

And finally, remember, Jesus' yoke is easy; His burden is light. We so often expect more from ourselves than He ever expected from us. Let Him carry the burden of your family.

Blessings. You are in my prayers.
A

tucker58 said:

Dag, I would like to read that book also . I need the name of the book, the name of the author, and the name of the publisher, so that I can order it from our local book store. I do not have a credit card that works on the internet.

just love! and thank you,

love,

tuck

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Boundaries (link) is the book 1st mentioned in Jaws13's post. His post has a link to the Amazon site.

But here it is again, not sure of what all you need, but use this link to look it up. Hope this helps!

Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (9780310247456): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books


Paperback: 304 pages
Publisher: Zondervan (April 1, 1992)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0310247454
ISBN-13: 978-0310247456
Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.4 x 0.9 inches
Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces

Honestly... God made one one...

So adultery is adultery and you should be against it.


And so against the world.

tucker58 said:

Dag, I would like to read that book also . I need the name of the book, the name of the author, and the name of the publisher, so that I can order it from our local book store. I do not have a credit card that works on the internet.

just love! and thank you,

love,

tuck

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If your in Australia I would be happy to post it to you as it seems Joey Downunder seems to have a copy already. I have about 90 boxes of books to search through just to find it! In otherwords it could take time.

Joey,

the scripture speaks two messages of this

Jesus said to love everyone . especially those who curse you . and despitefully use you .

and this is probly the message you're hearing the loudest .

Paul also spoke of a message so that if something is causing a bad trigger effect .

it is okay to avoid it . actually many passage in scripture instruct us to avoid situations that trigger us so it makes us worse inside .

the message of Jesus is the model of maturity .

if you're not there yet . then just admit it . and avoid what triggers until God's love has made you ready .

for your mom, i would suggest writing down all the things that she did to hurt you and how each thing made you feel . so you don't have to hold those thoughts in your heart . (love keeps no record of wrongs) and set that letter aside until you're ready to have that conversation .

hope you are well

praying for you .

-Michael

joey_downunder said:

I thought it was time I asked for some christian advice.

I came from a family that had a lot of conflict, emotional blackmail, blurred personal boundaries and when my husband got posted to another city (meaning I was finally free of my family) in 2002 inwardly I swore that I would make sure that I would keep the distance as great as possible. Very unchristian and unloving I know.... and very convenient having a husband who has to be posted all around the country every couple of years.

At that time my family had just fallen apart because of my mother's affair with her now husband and I was completely burnt-out from having to suppress all my feelings to appear supportive to her (so my father didn't become physically violent towards my mother).

Now I want to be able to see my sister in another city sometimes but that means I would probably have to see my mother as well as she has recently moved to that very same city. At the end of the year we will be moving interstate and even further away from that sister's city.

I don't know what to do about the situation. Any good advice would be greatly appreciated.

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I think this would be answered by you asking yourself WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

steven