Just prayers for my family

My marriage has been struggling for a few years. Lately, it's been really tense and awful and it was like my husband couldn't even speak to me. A few weeks ago he announced that he was miserable and thinking of leaving. I had a lot of reasons to suspect an affair but after 16 years of marriage and 3 kids...I didn't believe he was the type. Tonight he said he needed to talk so I put a movie on for the two younger kids(the oldest was at my inlaws) and we went into the bedroom and as we sat on our bed talking about whether or not to separate....he decided to come clean about an affair. He shared a few details...who it was(as I suspected) and the fact that they were intimate in our bed. I can't express the pain I felt at that moment. I knew in my heart he had cheated...and I thought I was prepared...but hearing it..and knowing how it played out...and looking around our bedroom at the pictures of my babies and my family..and realizing that she was in my house..in my bed...in my bathroom...that she walked by my children's rooms..that she probably pet my dogs..and walked down the hall to our room and walked past the many pictures I have hanging of our families over the years....I can barely stand that level of betrayal. Knowing the days they were together...it's too much.

His reaction was terrible. He was angry with me. I didn't scream, yell or cry. I calmly asked him to go to his brother's house for a few days while I digested the information. He left. I emailed the woman and told her that my husband confessed to everything and that it was no longer a secret. I didn't use foul language with her...I sent her a two line message. Apparently she called my husband and he called and berated me for being vindictive. I have access to her husbands email, her children...friends and family...I didn't email any of them...just her..and I simply said.. I know. He told me everything. He told me he cared about her, he didn't want to see her hurt and she was the innocent one in all this...that the affair was something he and I had to own together. I could hardly believe he said it.

I can't sleep. I have a lot ahead of me the next few days. I have to explain to my children why their dad is gone. I feel like I could throw up when I think about what that will be like. So please...pray for me and my children right now. I married him when I was 19 years old. I've been with him for 20 years total....he's been a part of me my whole life and I truly feel like my world was ripped out from under me.

Thank you for the prayers...it really helps.

I'm very fortunate...I have a lot of friends and family that have rallied around me. It has helped a lot. I have those that will listen to me cry...those that will listen to the gruesome details and those I know will just make me laugh and take my mind off of everything.

Right now...it still hasn't sunk in. It's like a horrible dream. What is really hurting it how he is still in contact with her and defending her and attacking me...and how his family knows everything and not a single person has called me. We've been together for 20 years. I am so close to his family...or I thought I was. It's killing me a bit.

Last night, I told my youngest that his dad moved out. He's 7 and he has an intellectual disability so I was telling him that daddy was out of town. He was fine with that because my husband does travel for business. He started asking when he would come home so last night I told him that daddy was going to live somewhere else now. He took it so hard. It was the worst night of my life. He cried himself to sleep...he was hysterical. He seems better this morning...but his sister(my 13 yo) is on her way home and I will have to tell her before he says something.

Today...I'm starting to feel some angry creeping in. Realizing that I'm dealing with the fall out from the kids....and I'm at home taking care of the house and the responsibilities of keeping the family moving forward while he has more free time for his new girlfriend. I'm fighting the anger....I won't let it own me...I'm not the angry type. I'm just ready for all this newness to fade so I can really start to heal.

Thank you for continued prayers. It's only been a week but I feel so raw and shredded...I can't fathom the weeks yet to come. My oldest is spending time with my sister and she's keeping her highly entertained....my younger two are heading to the inlaws to spend the weekend with them and dh. So for the first time since this happened...I'll be alone. I haven't slept for more than 4 hours since it happened...and I can't eat. So I had a visit with my doctor. He gave me a prescription for xanax. I have never had anything stronger than tylenol with codeine..so I haven't taken it. Also..the kids have been here and I don't want to be impaired. I may cut one in half and try to sleep this weekend. I'm wound so tight. I've cleaned EVERYTHING....no joke, I rewashed wine glasses....and today I started to drag the fridge out and made myself stop. I need to relax. We are in counseling every Monday...his goal is to repair the marriage...I said my goal was to have a functioning relationship for the kids but I can't comprehend going back to him. His behavior since he told me has been horrific. We may be looking at restraining orders and such. If he doesn't like a response I give..he makes threats...I'll go back and sleep with her again, I'll take the kids, I'll drop you from the insurance...just, petty and cruel stuff.

Anyway...we are hanging in there. We WILL get through this....God knows. It's just a bad place to be right now. Thank you for all the prayers.