Forgiveness, why is it some people find it hard to do?

SuzanneM52 · Jul 13, 2010

We never know when the things we post just might be something someone out there needs to read at that particular time! Here is a quote from Sonnies post:
Sometimes that can really cut, especially when they then go out of their way to "exclude" or make sure there is distance from you.
I needed to read that this afternoon. I have tried to make ammends with my son and his wife and altho this was 50% me and 50% them, they are not willing to help me build that bridge. I was terribly hurt today because altho she has had a Facebook account which I am not a part of, he recently created his own account and has added many relatives, many friends, but not me...his own mother. That does cut. So I thank you Sonnie for what you posted. :amen:

ANM29 · Jul 13, 2010

SuzanneM52 said:
We never know when the things we post just might be something someone out there needs to read at that particular time! Here is a quote from Sonnies post:
Sometimes that can really cut, especially when they then go out of their way to "exclude" or make sure there is distance from you.
I needed to read that this afternoon. I have tried to make ammends with my son and his wife and altho this was 50% me and 50% them, they are not willing to help me build that bridge. I was terribly hurt today because altho she has had a Facebook account which I am not a part of, he recently created his own account and has added many relatives, many friends, but not me...his own mother. That does cut. So I thank you Sonnie for what you posted.

I believe God will bring reconciliation in this case it is just a matter of his time and not yours.

Sometimes he has reason for allowing the temporaray separation between people. Satan intends for this to destroy you and even the relationship between you and your son. But God intends to use this time to do a work in you and in him. When the time is right, I know you will be reconciled with them again.

SuzanneM52 · Jul 13, 2010

Thankyou! Thats what goes thru my mind as well, but being a mom, it still cuts at times tho I am more able to handle it now, since giving it all to Him who is able!!!!

nephilimiyr · Jul 13, 2010

map4 said:
I don't think there is anything else you can do. When we ask someone for forgiveness, it's up to them what they do with it. If they don't forgive us then that is on them.
Just don't let it get to you because you can't always get an acknowledgement from someone when we do apologise. Just let it go and go on. We can't force someone to accept an apology any more than we can force someone to apologise.

Thanks for your answer and I basically agree but wouldn't you say that there has to be som,e repence on our part, not just the apology?

Ok, I went off half cocked and really gave these two people a piece of my mind. At the time I felt it was warranted but later, after learning all the facts, I realised I was wrong concerning both these two people. So yes, the first thing to do is apologize and ask forgiveness, and I have done that, but I can't just stop there can I? I have to repent and keep my knee jerk temper in control. If I can't do it I have to start seriously turning it over to the Lord and have him take care of it.

nephilimiyr · Jul 13, 2010

disciple-ofjesus said:
OR Neph, with this being a message board, and threads/posts moving fast, MAYBE that person didn't see your apology? I know I miss posts sometimes too. So maybe give them the benefit of the doubt?

Sure, I agree, but I also gave them a rep point messages and I know I'm not officailly on ignor with either one of them.

nephilimiyr · Jul 13, 2010

Simon Peter said:
The other part of a really good apology is to ask the offended party if there's anything you can do to help make it right.

Off the top of my head:

1. Confess your error to God
2. Confess your error to the offended person
3. Ask if there's anything you can do to help make it right
4. Forgive yourself

The last part may be particularly important if 'the offended' refuses to forgive you.

If you've completed the first 3 steps, I believe you have grounds for a clear conscience, time to move to step 4

Forgiveness is all about debt. It's about who is indebted to who for how much.

On the other side of the issue, if you are having difficulty forgiving someone else, it's highly likely that you are making the mistake of trying to feel forgiveness.

When you asked God to forgive you, you didn't wait to feel forgiven but accepted His forgiveness by faith; the weightless feeling of being forgiven came later.

Faith is also the key to forgiving others. Don't wrestle with your emotions in an attempt to feel forgiveness for them. Instead, obey the Lord and forgive them (release the debt they owe you) and then stand in faith that you have forgiven them.

Every time hurt feelings challenge your forgiveness, deny those feelings as invalid - as a lie - because the debt has already been cancelled. Continue to declare by faith that they are forgiven, and eventually the feelings of forgiveness will follow.

Hope this helps.

Peace,
Simon

Excellent post, thank you, you've been of great help with this for me!

nephilimiyr · Jul 13, 2010

Tamara224 said:
Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" one time isn't enough for reconciliation.

If a person has a tendency to repeat the same offense or type of offense and then apologize for it, it can be very difficult for the offended person to believe that the apology is sincere. Trust and respect are lost, hurt feelings and hurt pride make it very difficult to forgive when deep down a person is just waiting for the offense to come again.

I remember one of the things my mom always used to say when I or one of my siblings disobeyed and then said "sorry." She used to say "I don't want your apology, I want you to not do it again."

I imagine that was what Peter had in mind when he asked Jesus "how many times do we forgive our brother who sins against us." Of course, we all know Jesus answer was "70 times 7". We are instructed to put aside our hurts and just forgive.

But, sometimes in order to help our brother/sister to be able to forgive us for the offense, we have to show them the genuine fruit of our repentance.

I think that the fruit of repentance is partly acknowledging that our words or actions have really hurt someone and saying "I caused this, I want to fix it."

It can be very easy, when we are genuinely sorry for our wrong actions, to get offended ourselves when a person doesn't immediately accept our apology and forgive us. But true sorrow and true repentance, IMHO, mean a willingness to prove to the other person that we are sorry in words and actions.

Sometimes we have to be willing to work to rebuild the trust that we lost when we injured someone. We have to be patient with them and humble - not demanding forgiveness as our due, but doing what we can to smooth the path towards reconciliation.

Another excellent post! What you said has really convicted me as I tend to have a problem dealing with this knee jerk reaction and temper of mine. Without fail it has always got me in trouble with people here in the forum, I know with you several times, and with people I know in my life, like my wife and sister especially. For me this is perhaps my worst character trait and while at times I mostly seem to be in control of it there are times when I seem to have little control and just go off half cocked, half baked, and always ending up making a fool out of myself. But your post here has been of great help to me, thank you.

nephilimiyr · Jul 13, 2010

Tamara224 said:
23"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. (Matthew 5:23-25)

The point is made, IMO, that we are to try and reconcile ourselves to the person we have wronged. OK so that means repentence and showing that person your repentence, right? As I said in an earlier post, and what you had also said earlier, to reconcile you have to repent from the actions or words that left the other person offended.

Something Simon Peter had said really caught my eye, he said: "Ask if there's anything you can do to help make it right". That seems like an excellent way to start.

nephilimiyr · Jul 13, 2010

ANM29 said:
Well, there are cases where you can not reconcile with your brother. There are a few people right now I have forgiven, but can not reconcile with them for many reasons.

This is an exception ( if it is possible) but not always the norm.

If God wants reconciliation he has to make that happen in many cases, it is not always going to happen.

Ok but how will we know if we can't reconcile with that person if we don't give it some effort first? I know what you're saying and agree with it to a certain point. But don't you think that if all we do is apologize and ask forgiveness and then continue to act in the sameway and committ the same offences over and over again that that person is going to not want to have anything to do with you, regardless of whether they have forgiven you or not? I don't know, maybe I am misunderstanding you?

Jesus said we are to forgive our brother 70 times 7 times, but He never said that we must continue to fellowship with that person.

I know you remember when you and I had a fallin out for a short while, but if neither one of us tried to reconcile with each other you and I wouldn't be on speaking terms even today. And that would be really sad because I really like you as a friend and sister in the Lord!

ANM29 · Jul 13, 2010

nephilimiyr said:
Ok but how will we know if we can't reconcile with that person if we don't give it some effort first? I know what you're saying and agree with it to a certain point. But don't you think that if all we do is apologize and ask forgiveness and then continue to act in the sameway and committ the same offences over and over again that that person is going to not want to have anything to do with you, regardless of whether they have forgiven you or not? I don't know, maybe I am misunderstanding you?

Jesus said we are to forgive our brother 70 times 7 times, but He never said that we must continue to fellowship with that person.

I know you remember when you and I had a fallin out for a short while, but if neither one of us tried to reconcile with each other you and I wouldn't be on speaking terms even today. And that would be really sad because I really like you as a friend and sister in the Lord!

Ahhhh....

( Yes, you were wrong and I was right, J/K

). Oh yes, I remember we had a few falling outs as a matter of fact. We would talk, then fall out and then talk again. I think the difference with us is for some reason it was God's plan for us to reconcile and become friends. I do not believe this to be the case in ever single situation with someone.

No one is saying you should keep acting the same way. You should of course be peaceful with the person. ( as much as you can ) If that person does not want to be peaceful with you, you have to walk away from them. You forgive and leave them alone.

I think you will know because the Holy Spirit will nudge your heart to reach out to that person beyond forgiveness if it is meant to be.

He may not have you to reach out to them, he may have the other person to do it. I just know if he wants it to be he will touch the hearts and accomplish the purpose. Nothing is too hard for God.

..and yes I totally agree, he never said you had to be in fellowship with the person, that is not always possible.

That is like expecting a woman to be friends with someone she had to forgive for raping her or something. God does not require that, although that is possible.

Like I said earlier, Did Jesus hang out with the people who were trying to push him off the cliff. I seriously doubt it.

ANM29 · Jul 13, 2010

SuzanneM52 said:
Thankyou! Thats what goes thru my mind as well, but being a mom, it still cuts at times tho I am more able to handle it now, since giving it all to Him who is able!!!!

I know it cuts and it hurts. Let God bring this relationship back together. Don't try to force anything. In time God will restore it. :hug:

nephilimiyr · Jul 13, 2010

Oh, ok, then I think you and I are pretty much on the same page then, ANM.

ANM29 · Jul 13, 2010

nephilimiyr said:
Oh, ok, then I think you and I are pretty much on the same page then, ANM.

Yeah, I think so..I also think we learned how to agree to disagree. You do not have to believe everything I believe in order for us to be sisters and brothers. We are that because Christ is our bond, not necessarily our doctrinal beliefs.

Either way, I think it is a sign of maturity to be able to do that. We've come a long way. :wave:

nephilimiyr · Jul 13, 2010

This thread has been a great help to me so thank you, all of you. The other person and I have reconciled, and it would've happend earlier but the other person was a bit incompacitated. if I didn't spell that right just use your imagination.

ANM29 · Jul 13, 2010

Sorry Neph, you did not spell imcompaticated correcteley. ^_^

nephilimiyr · Jul 13, 2010

ANM29 said:
Sorry Neph, you did not spell imcompaticated correcteley.

Ah so what, I've never claimed to have won any spelling bees in my life so at least I'm not a hypocrite, in that respect...

nephilimiyr · Jul 13, 2010

ANM29 said:
Yeah, I think so..I also think we learned how to agree to disagree. You do not have to believe everything I believe in order for us to be sisters and brothers. We are that because Christ is our bond, not necessarily our doctrinal beliefs.

Either way, I think it is a sign of maturity to be able to do that. We've come a long way.

True, but then again we aren't argueing or discussing politics are we?

ANM29 · Jul 13, 2010

nephilimiyr said:
Ah so what, I've never claimed to have won any spelling bees in my life so at least I'm not a hypocrite, in that respect...

Just messing with ya ( If you notice I spelled both words wrong on purpose ^_^

) I sure can't spell, I am the QUEEN of spelling errors. ^_^

I even spelled 'correctly' wrong and 'incompacitated' wrong on purpose, but for the most part, I spell them wrong because I just can not spell at times. ^_^

ANM29 · Jul 13, 2010

nephilimiyr said:
True, but then again we aren't argueing or discussing politics are we?

Well, no, not at the moment.

nephilimiyr · Jul 13, 2010

ANM29 said:
Just messing with ya ( If you notice I spelled both words wrong on purpose) I sure can't spell, I am the QUEEN of spelling errors.

I even spelled 'correctly' wrong and 'incompacitated' wrong on purpose, but for the most part, I spell them wrong because I just can not spell at times.

So I did spell it right,

.
LOL, aren't you glad we are both so mature?

Forgiveness, why is it some people find it hard to do?

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