I'm finally facing it...

Criada said:

You have come such a long way, sweetie, it is wonderful!
Keep going, and you will leave this behind and be happy.
It's great that you have a friend who is willing to challenge you and help you move on. What goals do you think you could set yourself? What would you like to see change in, say, the next 6 months?

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Thank you. I can see now that I've come far. I took some time to read more of my past posts and also read more in the book that I've written in to my best friend. I have come far but I couldn't have done it alone. I'm not strong enough for that. I have set some goals but I'll talk about that more in a minute.

pennsyginny said:

Keep on keeping on. The more you share, the easier it becomes to share.
I did not tell anyone about being molested until I was in college and my roommate was my best friend from first grade on.It took me another ten years to tell anyone. Then when I was raped as a young adult, it took me 30 years to tell anyone. But sharing is so freeing in many ways. But please, don't say you were just molested. I have been molested, raped, abused domestically. None of them are just anything. They are violations of our personhood. Stay strong and know that people on here really understand and care.

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Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I hate hearing that you've gone through so much. I can tell you are a strong person for it though. I understand you asking me to not downplay my experience. At the time I said that, I felt I didn't have a right to complain or even feel like I did. I still have issues thinking that I should feel the way I do but I'm working on it.



Okay, so I have worked on a few goals. Some minor things have to do with school and work. I've graduated but I'm not in college. I've never taken the SAT so I'm working towards taking it twice. Its not a requirement for the college I will attend in the fall but if I don't take the SAT I will have to take their entrance exams. So one of my goals is to take it and do well on it. Also, with work my job is on the same schedules as schools. I need to look into getting a second job so its a goal to find one. A major goal is to be happy. Part of what makes me upset and depressed is my relationship with my dad. I spend so much time being upset cuz he wouldn't take the time to call me. So the new plan is to call him every sunday when I wake up. Saves me the trouble of waiting for him and being upset for the day and days after cuz he won't call. If he doesn't answer, I'll leave a voicemail. He can choose to call me back. I'm thinking this will help with my self image a lot. A lot of my issues come from the fact that the two people who are supposed to care, really don't. In my eyes and heart I feel like if my dad can't even pick up the phone to call me or come see me then how can I even by loved by another person. So thats one step. I'm still working on figuring out more goals to work towards. My main goals are to be happy, and to make it to 18... oh and to make more goals I'm not sure what goals to have more specifically to healing when it comes to my past sexual abuse. I want to get to the point where one day I can stand the pain of talking about it. I don't think it will ever not hurt to think about it or to talk about it but I do think that I will one day be strong enough to deal with that pain. One of my goals is to see that day.

Heathe has now been here for 6 weeks now. My relationship with him is still making my head spin. I flinch when he reaches just to hold my hand. My best friend is the only person who can approach me without me reacting badly. I feel bad because I can see it in his eyes that it hurts him everytime. He's careful to let me approach him most of the time and if he wants to initiate a hug or to reach for my hand, he'll ask. Even though I can see it in his eyes that hes hurt, I can see it strengthens his determination. I feel like I now have the people I need to help me heal. I'm just struggling with letting them love me. One night, Heathe and I had a pretty serious discussion. One of those conversations that change a relationship. That strengthen it. I was expecting him to want some sort of physical action to prove my words. I was expecting him to ask me to prove how much I loved him. He didn't. All he asked for was me to continue to be honest and a simple hug.

I'm happy. I can feel saddness in me. When I'm with Heathe or with my best friend and her family, that big ball of hurt almost doesn't exist anymore. I'm getting closer to that light at the end of the darkness. It'll be here soon.

Sarah

Hey,

I'm coming on here with a heavy heart today. I'm stressed to the max times 10. It's pretty much world war three with my family. We finally got into the huge custody battle over my niece that has been coming on for a long time. I'm truly scared. I haven't been so scared in a long time. Depending on how this turns out determines a lot. Either we win her for forever or lose her. I don't know if I could handle us losing this fight. The law and everything has never been on our side through any of this. So please pray for all of that?

On to happier things. I sort of made a step to some healing. A couple of years ago I made a huge mistake and ended up hurting a good friend deeply. As much as I hate to admit it, my past abuse had a big impact on the whole situation. 3 years ago there was this guy who I had been friends with. Him and I had a physical relationship while being friends but the awful part is that he was dating another girl at the time. I knew he was with someone. I knew I was wrong. I did it anyway. The way things started with him and I was by a really suggestive game called "Nervous". I can be annoyingly stubborn and so can he. Well that game went way too far but in my head I convinced myself it all happened because he cared about me. He asked for us to continue that sort of thing and I agreed. I didn't really have any emotion attached to the physical stuff. But it made him happy. I was happy and thought that because he was willing to do this with me, that meant I actually meant something to him. I wanted that happiness so badly that I willingly hurt my friend. Eventually guilt got the better of us and we stopped. His girlfriend never learned about it. Shortly after though, they broke up. A year later she found out about everything. She flipped out and was hurting a lot. I did what I could to make it for the pain I caused. I told her to call any time she need to vent or yell or scream. I told her I was so sorry and I would do whatever I could to fix it or at least to heal it a little bit. She took full advantage of that. For months that went on... eventually she crossed a line and asked some questions that were too personally and I started losing control. It was at the time that I told my best friend about my sexual abuse. I was very unstable. My best friend stepped in and had the other girl back off. We didn't speak for another year and half. Recently, we reconnected. I had to thank her for leading a really good friend of mine to God. She had said she looked up to me because of the number of people I had brought over to the good side. I hated the fact that she looked up to me. Me and her have reconciled. I told her I was abused but gave no details other than say I was sexually abused and in my greediness to be happy, I became selfish and was so incredibly wrong. We are on good terms and I can finally start letting go of the guilt I have of hurting her.

I'm gaining back some inner peace. I'm learning to detach myself from my past. Accept that what has happened to me and what I've done doesn't entirely define me. Really its just that I can choose which definition I become. In my eyes when it comes to the past of sexual abuse, you either choose to let it weaken you or you overcome it. I'm learning I that even though I didn't have a choice in what happened to me. I have a choice in what it makes me. My identity has always been important to me. Its time I start to take charge of it. I'm not really sure how else to change it. I'm just taking on that as it comes.

As for my goals... I have kept some and failed in others. I missed out on the first SAT. With all the current custody drama we don't have the money or the time. I'm still looking for the second job. I have kept up the goal with talking to my dad. I have called him every Sunday after I wake up. I've done better than that though. I've managed to call him once or twice during the week too.

My relationship with Heathe has not changed. He is still a very good friend and I have taken a lot of comfort in the fact that he's still here. He hasn't left. My best friend and I still pretty much live together now. I stay at my moms maybe once or twice a week. Things are less tense when I'm not at home all the time. We don't fight a lot and can be civil and happy around each other now. Distance has helped our relationship. I turn 18 in less than 50 days. That's extremely exciting. I'm ready to be "free" or at least partially free. I'll still be around for my family. Especially with the custody battle going on. I just won't have to stress so much living with them.


Well i gotta head out,
thanks for reading,
Sarah

I don't really have time to say much. I've reached a new breaking point that I didn't know existed. I'm being hit from all sides with all sorts of stuff and I'm just losing control. Everytime I start to gain control of my life everything spirals out of control. I'm just asking for some serious prayers because I don't know what is going to happen next or what I will end up doing...

I'm done.

Things have been beyond intense. I hit a breaking point and something in me just snapped. I went numb again. Its still been almost 10 months since I've hurt myself but I've been tempted in soooo many ways to go back to day zero. In 32 days I turn 18 and life will be easier in some ways and harder in others. My nightmares are back... my heart aches constantly. It seems every single time I get my life back together something is there to knock me back down.

Life has been a constant fight for me. I feel broken and run down... but at the same time I feel like its all God. Even though I went numb I found a small sense of peace... It's hard to explain but I feel like God is wearing me down for a reason. He's trying to teach me something. I've been aiming to get better, to change my ways, and my thoughts and I think that maybe this time, to get better, I have to get worse. If that makes any sense. I feel myself growing and changing, both inside and out...

The way I've decided to distract myself is for once a good distraction. See with my church, every year we have a summer camp in June right when the public schools let out. I've gone every year since I was in the 7th grade. This year will be my 6th and final year as a camp member. My first year of camp I went with my best friend and had a blast. The second year I brought a friend and she got saved. The next year I brought that same friend and two new ones and those two got saved. The following year I brought a great friend of mine and he got saved. Last year was a major struggle for me and I brought no one. My group leader said it was my year, and well that camp year led to a lot of good. I spoke up about my cutting and a whole lot of great things. This year I plan to go out with a bang. I'm bringing a total of 6 people and myself. One is a girl I've know since 2nd grade. Two are young kids that I worked with at my tutoring job. Another is my younger cousin and then her two friends. I'm expecting God to do great things in them and myself. Probably is... camp is 229 a person. Thats expensive... and I'm some how going to pay for it all. So pray about that?

Right now I can't really explain what all has me so messed up. Its just things keep hitting me from every side and I don't remember when I've felt so depressed... so down. I don't want to say I've hit rock bottom because if I say that, It'll just get worse. We are facing the custody battle with my niece, my best friend is almost as depressed as I am and when she hurts I hurt, I made some mistakes with Heathe that I don't regret but feel like I should, I feel inadequate and I feel like a major failure and I'm lacking some much needed strength. *sigh* You guys all have been so patient and understandign and caring! All I do is ramble on about my patheticness... I feel like I've even failed you guys cuz I just can't seem to pull my head out of the ground.

At camp I will be given time to speak... Maybe I'll have a chance to redeem myself and make a difference. There will be nearly 1000 kids there. God's bound to use my story to reach just one of them, right?

Sarah

So I have some things I need to process... I said before that some things happened with Heathe that I feel like I should regret but I don't. I let my emotions get ahead of my logic. Long story short, I felt that Heathe had given me so much, I wanted to give him something just as valueable in return. I gave him my virginity... the one thing I had managed to hold on to through out my life. The one thing that I had still that was under my control.

I said in my very first post that I had been molested but not raped. Even though it didn't seem like it, I did see a lot of value in my virginity. It was the one thing I had a choice in giving up. I was in control and that was extremly comforting. Heathe and I have been constantly getting closer and not too long ago I was able to drop all my walls with him. I trusted him completely and wasn't scared or anything.

I'm not sure if I made a mistake or not. I know in the Bible it says that pre-marital sex is wrong. Theres no way around that. Its a sin and I do know that. In my family its never been wait till marriage, its always been wait for the person you truly are in love with. If there is one thing I have done right in my life, its been to love completely and unconditionally. While it may be my greatest strength its also my greatest weakness. I don't regret giving myself to heathe because now I feel like life has sort of balanced out. I've got God, my best friend and heathe. Its like the pieces of my life can finally fit in place and start to mend...

I'm sure many of you disapprove of my actions. I thought a lot about it all before anything happened. It wasn't spur of the moment. I need to head out for now... but I'll try to say more soon.

Sarah

A lot in me has changed since I went to camp.

Let me first start by saying, the 5 girls (the 6th one ended up bailing) that I took to camp all got saved. I had the honor of being the one to guide my cousin to Christ. I have never cried tears of joy till then. 2 of those girls were baptised the last day of camp. 1 of them felt called into the ministry! It was truly an awesome experience. God really showed himself to everyone there... including me.

God didn't waste time working in me. The very first night during worship, God showed me a lot. He showed me the pain he felt when I was younger going through my abuse. He showed me how much it hurt every time I cut myself and back when I popped pills. It was all so brief. I felt the intense pain he felt but it put me in awe cuz through that pain, I felt His love. I know this may not make much sense but I felt His power too. I knew at that point I didn't stand a chance in ignoring God that week. The first night after all of that intensity, I got to get up on stage along with a few other seniors. One at a time we went up the steps to give our last bit of advice to all the people younger than us. A tradition that I always dreamed about what I'd say to them all. I sorta had a plan about what I'd say. Right before I went up, I prayed for humility and complete surrender and God just said what He wanted through me. He did such a good job I had people coming up to me all week thanking me for what I said. Even the church pastor pulled me aside to talk to me. That night, started God tugging at me about going into the ministry. All I could tell him was that I wasn't worthy of it. All I could say was that other people are more deserving. The second night, I finally found out what it meant to find my worth in God. I can't really explain it but that in itself was freeing. The third night is what hit me hard but in a good way. I gave up my past sexual abuse to God. I didn't know how to do it until then. I didn't know how to let go of that part of me. After I cried my eyes out all I felt from God was go and do. I'm at peace...

There is pain in me still but I'm at peace about it. I've got a lot to work through... but I've made a step.

As for what I will do about Heathe I'm not so sure. I know continuing anything more than a friendship will hurt me. I just... Idk yet. I finally feel guilt and regret though. I understand a lot of things better now though... Things are changing. Next friday, I turn 18. I've grown up and will continue to do so. I'm excited and scared about the changes but at peace for whatever happens.

Oh... I do have bad news. On the third I gave in to the temptation to hurt myself. I'm on day 9. It used to be that I had to fight the urge every single day. But I don't want to do it anymore. That anxiety and turmoil that was in me is at peace now. I can breathe...

God Bless,
Sarah

Sweet sweet freedom. I'm finally 18!

Things have been sort of hectic lately. But what else is new right? I am still living at my mothers because of the turn of events that have taken place with my niece. I'm scared to leave because things can get violent and hostile in the area because of my nieces mother. We have my niece for the month of july but after finding a cigeratte burn on her forehead we are rushing to go back to court to gain full custody. The court system and even child protective services haven't been on our sides. sadly in the state of texas it takes a lot to get a child away from the mother. Apparently what we've shown to them hasnt been enough. It's hard to not do somethi g that will land me in jail to even he score.

Right now i have made the decision to become a social worker. I do not plan to do it forever because i still feel called to the ministry but i realize now why God hasnt provided me with many answers about my career in the ministry. I have other things i am meant to do first. So i will tend to that. I want there to be at least one good person in the system. I want to be there helping kids like my niece and young children who had the same childhood as me. I want to make a difference.

I'm trying hard to not make rash desicions. I'm trying to not let my desire to be free of my mother or my brother get in the way of me making sure my niece is well cared for and safe. I'm also trying to not react to anything because of anger.


life is rough but Gods on my side... i just gotta keep breathing and keep walking.

Sarah