Moving forward but had a relapse last night...Sigh.....

Hello,

I feel like I was doing better, but now I feel as if I have relasped. Yesterday night the person that sexually assualted me was going into my neighbor's house. Just seeing him caused me to have flashbacks that night. At first I stopped having flashbacks and sudden feelings of fear. Both have started back up since seeing him. It was the first time I saw him when I was by myself and it was late at night. I told my guy cousin about it and he shared that I need to work on letting it go, because it is holding me back, that I can't be scared of every guy that comes along. Basically he told me that I have to learn on getting over it because it's holding me back.


I have tried forgetting that it ever happened, trust me I have, but I mean it's not as easy as it sounds. I can't control the flashback or sudden moments of fear and helplessness. When I told him what happen ( it took almost a month to tell anyone only two cousins and a best friend know about it). But when I told my cousin who is like a brother to me I felt like a little child telling there friend/etc that somethings wrong. Like a sense of complete helplessness like a huge knott in my stomach from fear/helplessness. He was the first person I told in person and didn't text/tlk 2 on the phone. I never want to feel that helpless again. I couldn't even tell him, I had to just give a situation with a guy in it and told him that I couldn't tell him what happened b/c it's was really bad and I might start crying. He had to guess at what happened, it took about four to five times for him to guess. I just kept saying it was worse than that, no keep going it was worse. Then he finally got to it and told him that I didn't want to and was forced than he guess exactly what happened. I never want to have that feeling again. I have gotten over hating him and even wanting to try and fight him so that's a big step.

I agree with him and feel that I should have gotten over it by now. Which makes me feel that it's my fault that I haven't gotten over it yet.

After that incident I was at a friends house, and they had some friends over, one person was there thatI have known for a long time. He gave me a hug when he first came in, which I was fine with but when we sat down he put his hand around my waist, and I ended up saying I needed to grab my phone but really I was freaked out but didn't say anything because they don't know. Me and him have been school since forever but it's like I don't mind a guy shaking my hand or hugging me but sometimes if a guy touches me in my mind I'll freak out, but when the guy put his hand around my waist I started having that sense of fear. But also it depends on the guy, guys that I am close too that are older than me I seem not to be on guard as much but those between 18-20 I tend to have my guard up more.

Okay I gotta question for you all, I'm just being open and honest here. Now, I am in school and all and don't plan on meeting that special someone and getting married for years, but I gotta question. If him and I were to sleep/be together, would I have to tell him the whole story, or could I just say I was in a bad situation with a guy back when I was 18 but things are better now. Also is there any chance that if me (and whom ever I am married too) choose to sleep together/have sex ( something right now I can't possibly imagine doing when I am married because of the situation at hand), but if that be the case is there any chance I would have a flashback of the sexually assualt during that moment? It's like that is not a desire of mine when I am married, truth be told.

It has been suggested that I try sleeping with someone voluntary so I won't have that fear when I am married. But that is something I def. do NOT want to do. I am waiting till marriage, that's if I even do it then. I know all guys aren't the same and all. I guess I am tryna figure out if I am going through a phrase or something.

Someone please help me out to feel like I am not losing my mind or going crazy or something.

Thanks

Over the pass two nights I haven't wanted to be alone, so I am babysitting my lil cousin so I won't be alone. I mean I live at home but parents go to work and all so it helps having someone to talk to and hangout with and were both sleeping downstairs so it helps knowing there is someone near me, it kinda makes me feel safer and more secure.

It's at the point where I want to go through and delete the post that I have made about the sexually assualt. It's like in my mind I want to pretend that it never happened and feel/life as though it never did. I want to text them and ask them to act as if this has never happened, I truly do, I almost like just being alone and just crying it completely out but in my heart I am still hurting, still crying, still tryna figure out why I haven't gotten over it yet it's been almost four months and I am still the same helplessness/fear that I was feeling from the beginning. It's was like things started going great for me about a month ago or so I feel like I am almost back at square one.

Thanks, I really do hope that I get to that point where I could see him without reliving the past. I didn't think about it like that, how our body and minds just react to danger. Thanks I appericate you being there for me out so much. Thanks for the hugs as well, they are needed and appericated.

**I ended up going back and reading it after all, I guess I shouldn't have, I couldn't read it without getting emtionally attached, and feeling like throwing up (not sure where that came from but it kind of just makes me sick to the stomach). Alright Im going to stop by in the morning, I need to try and get some rest, I feel like my mind is really on overload.

Thanks everyone for all of your help, I have been doing alot better recently which is wonderful. I still have my ups and my downs. But I am doing my best to keep moving on I thank God for helping me out and I thank God for all of you.

No, which is my fault

Johnnz said:

Many women can't face the ordeal of a legal process. Don't beat up on yourself over that. It's how you were at that time, not now that was the reason you did nothing.

John
NZ

Click to expand...

Thanks I never thought of it in that way, thanks

pennsyginny said:

You can only do what feels right for you.
You will never "get over it." Those are words people like to parrot but you can move on, you can heal, you can see it differently, you will not get over it. It can, believe it or not, become a source of strength for you. You don't have to tell anyone you do not choose to. In fact, I think it's better to think long and hard about who to tell. If you want to tell your parents, that's fine. Don't feel you "have" to. if they would empower you, that would be wonderful. You will know when to do counseling. I am a great proponent of it but it sure took me a long time to be ready to do it. I am a big believer in groups. They had helped me immensely. I guess what I am trying to say is that everything in it's time. And only you know that. I think you can get a lot of support on here. Hang in there and know you are loved by many.

Click to expand...

I would have to agree with u...now and then I will get dissapointed because I am realizing that I can't just get over it, I can forget about it at points. But I can't just completely forget and get over it.

brandon.j said:

It's been said, but I'll say it again. Please see a rape counselor, many of them have been victims themselves and they can help you. I know you might be scared to talk to a stranger but they are experts in helping rape victims. The trauma from rape doesn't just go away and it tends to linger until you seek help. RAINN provides a hotline and victim services. Whenever those memories pop up, call the hotline. It's 24/7 along with the crisis centers and online hotline.

Click to expand...

I do want to eventually see a counselor but the thing is finding someone my parents don't know, someone who doesn't charge too much, and most of all someone I can trust with my life.

I wish it would...I wish there was a way to make it disappear or forget about it...I do want to see a conselor but I need to wait for a while......till I switch campuses...