Opening myself up to him (warning, slightly descriptive)

I'm going to try not to be too explicit but I may need to do some brief explanation in order to get my post across.


I was sexually abused nearly every day over a year long period of time when I was 6 to 7 years old by both a man and a woman. Over time I felt that I had truly healed of it and that I wouldn't have any problems from it once I was married, but now that I am married, I am having a hard time opening myself up to my husband sexually. I prefer one position to the point where I will not allow another, nor am I comfortable seeing him naked before we start. Basically, I cannot look at my husband during sex. So it's always from behind. Basically I think it feels better that way for me and I'm not entirely sure that it's all physical. I am not comfortable touching him, or doing oral on him. In fact, I basically just give it to him because he needs it, when I don't like it. I am fine with some forms of sexual activity performed on ME (such as fingering) but I absolutely cannot stand to look at him during sex, and I require he keep his pants on while bringing me to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] (which never happens during sex.)

At night it's either bring me to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] or have sex. Never both. Once I'm done, I am done. And if we have sex I feel too dirty to achieve [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. If I try to do both I will have a headache like you'd never believe, and I'm too tight and it ends up hurting.


What ends up happening when I see him naked is that I get intense flashbacks to my childhood. When we met and got engaged he was severely overweight, but since he lost 100 pounds he now slightly resembles the man who raped me, in at least body shape and his length. Thing is, I love my husband and hate the fact that I'm so closed off to what he needs, but every time I try something new I end up either being put off by them or even frightened. I try not to show my fright but he is always able to sense how tense I am.


Can anyone who has worked through the problem of sexual reception give me some pointers on how to slowly get through this?

And sorry if this is too descriptive... I just couldn't think of another way to write it.

Johnnz said:

Being terrified of males after abuse is common. Your extended childhood abuse would have been utterly terrifying and has gone deep inside of you. Now, even your husband will bring back those memories. That is not at all uncommon.

Have you received any counselling?

John
NZ

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I haven't been able to afford counseling lately, as actually we have just barely pulled ourselves out of homelessness. We are returning to the Christian college where we met and they provide free counseling so I will be taking advantage of that in the fall when they have more than one counselor available.

To be honest, my good friends have always been guys, so I had no idea that I would be so terrified of sex. Hubby and I weren't exactly all the way pure before marriage and in explorations I didn't have any problems... it's just now with some positions that I am having issues.