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I feel like such a freak. Warning, very disturbing and probably triggers...

h_lektronika

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I feel like such a freak. I read some of these topics on this message board...and i'm nothing like the other assault survivors here.

I'm a new Christian and new to these boards. I was assaulted in my dorm room in the fall of 2005 by a "friend" of mine. He forcibly raped me, and I blamed myself for a long time because I was drunk (he was sober) and thought I somehow deserved it. I never pressed charges or sought out retribution because of this guilt.

Fast forward to today and I know now that the rape wasn't my fault, and I no longer feel guilty for what happened to me. But I do feel guilty for something else. I just recently divorced my husband for his repeated adultery, so i'm not sexually active at the moment. But the assault never made me timid sexually...in fact it had the opposite effect. I became almost hyper-sexualized. I was very promiscuous shortly after the incident. But i went through counseling and settled down not long before I joined a church and got married. The promiscuity did not continue into my marriage, but I did discover something disturbing about myself when I became married.

As my then husband and I become more comfortable sexually together, I discovered that I became aroused by various sex acts. I can't believe i'm admitting this, because it's horribly embarrassing, sickening and disgusting. But I become very aroused at roleplaying rape-type scenarios. I have no idea why. I talked my then-husband into it several times, and while it was occurring I enjoyed it, but afterwards I felt horrified and sick.

I mean, what type of rape victim LIKES sex that mimics rape? There is something seriously wrong with me. I've been to support groups with other women, and I used to constantly hear them talk about how they could barely have sex due to what they've experienced. The ones who could stand sex couldn't deal with sex that was even remotely rough....I just nodded my head and pretended like I understood these women or related to them. Inside my mind was screaming "you are a freak! what's wrong with you?"

I don't know what to do.....the more I think about it the more disgusted I am with my brain. I had finally begun to move forward from all this....then this came up. I sicken myself. I feel very alone.

What's worse is that i'm in a new relationship. My new boyfriend is SO understanding and loving...and a great Christian man who helped the Lord pull me away from a church full of false doctrine and cult-like behaviors. I expect he will be proposing in the near future....But i'm terrified. I've told him about the assault before..but never about my sexual inclinations....and I don't know if I should or not. He's very open, but my ex husband and now the internet are the only ones who know about my perversion.

So what in the heck is wrong with me? And should I discuss it with my boyfriend should we become engaged? I feel so alone and disgusted....
 

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There's nothing wrong with you. You're not a pervert. This is relatively normal, and doesn't necessarily have to be related to your assault. Different people are aroused by different things. As long as you aren't hurting anyone and as long as anyone isn't hurting you, it's fine IMO.

Of course you should discuss it with your boyfriend. You should discuss anything that bothers you with your boyfriend if you plan on marrying him.

You are never alone and you shouldn't feel disgusted.
 
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cherishmj

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I agree with the previous post, people are aroused by different things and this does not make you abnormal or weird in anyway and I also agree that it does not have to be related to your assault. No two people respond to the same situation the exact same way, while some women who are survivors have a difficult time with sexuality afterwards, there are some that become more sexually active and expressive sometimes as a means of having the control back that was taken from them, or for other reasons. As I said no two people respond the same, you are normal, and it is ok. I would just be open with your boyfriend and hopefully he will be understanding.
 
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Mling

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I'm not an assault survivor--I bopped in here, drawn by the 'feeling like a freak' title. But I'll repeat what was said before me: rape fantasies are completely normal. Tons of women, and men, have them and play them out, without any harmful effects. I've known people who have them in response to assault, specifically-- some people feel like turning that scenario into a game they can enjoy is a way of taking back control over it and themselves. For others, it's like a way of seeing and doing it over and over again, until it loses the power, just from over-exposure.
 
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H lektronika, I do not think you are a freak. You had a traumatic experience, and it has affected you in this way. But I disagree with the posters who feel that acting out rape fantasies is 'normal'. It may be 'common', but I don't think that it's healthy. In my opinion sex should be about loving and bonding with your spouse, and acting out rape (or BDSM) isn't really conducive to that. If you're considering getting married, then I would encourage you to be honest with your boyfriend...but not to ask him to indulge these fantasies. I'd ask him instead to be patient and to pray for you as you seek to experience a loving sexual relationship in your new marriage. And I'd also encourage you to find a Christian therapist who can help you work through the underlying issues.

God bless, and I'm praying for you. :)
Love from a sister in Christ,
Jess
 
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Elvenkind

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I don't know any statistics on it, but I believe it is quite common. My last gf had been raped and was hypersexual and got turned on by rape fantasies. The one before that had been sexually abused as a child, like me, and we did things like biting and clawing each other, like animals attacking each other. Not sure if I have any advice, other then to try to avoid it since it makes you feel filled with guilt. Said a prayer for you, hope you'll feel better about it by reading advice here and getting prayers.
 
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New_Found_Faith

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writergirl4god said:
It may be 'common', but I don't think that it's healthy. In my opinion sex should be about loving and bonding with your spouse, and acting out rape (or BDSM) isn't really conducive to that.

That's quite a judgement.
 
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That's quite a judgement.

Yes. Judgement of people is not our job, and you'll notice that I am not judging the OP, in fact she has my understanding and sincere prayers.

But judging behaviors is biblical. Just because something has become common (or 'normal' in our society) doesn't mean that it's healthy and good for us. I don't believe that purposefully hurting someone (or pretending to hurt them) is a healthy bonding experience. And the OP obviously feels the same in her spirit, or she would not be distressed over it.
 
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Mling

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Yes. Judgement of people is not our job, and you'll notice that I am not judging the OP, in fact she has my understanding and sincere prayers.

But judging behaviors is biblical. Just because something has become common (or 'normal' in our society) doesn't mean that it's healthy and good for us. I don't believe that purposefully hurting someone (or pretending to hurt them) is a healthy bonding experience. And the OP obviously feels the same in her spirit, or she would not be distressed over it.

People can feel distressed, even downright guilty, over things that are perfectly healthy, though. We're talking about fulfilling a need and a desire, and trying to work through a traumatic experience, in a way that everybody involved consents to--in my mind, that is a bonding experience, and an expression of love. Keep in mind how many people feel distressed or guilty, simply because they feel sexual desire--guilt doesn't necessarily mean the feeling is wrong.
 
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Mling, I understand and agree with your point about guilt - some people, especially when they've been abused, do feel inappropriate guilt for various things. Conversely, some people also commit all kinds of sin without feeling guilty in the least. So I'd agree with you that guilt (and 'feelings' in general) is not always a good measure of morality; the Bible should be that. However, as Christians we also have the Holy Spirit within us, and when we strongly 'feel' that something is wrong it can be an indicator that it is, and we need to discern if that's a leading from God.

Also, though the desire for sex can be strong, it is not a 'need' (a person will not die if they don't have sex). And fulfilling that desire however we choose can lead us down a slippery slope of unbiblical behaviors. (Sadomasochism, by it's very definition, is the antithesis of Christian love, which 'does no harm'.)

Anyway, to get back the OP: I so deeply sympathize with what you have been through, and please understand that it is normal that after a rape your desires are manifesting in this way. You are NOT a freak, you are simply on the other end of the spectrum of normal symptoms exibited by abuse victims. I'm pray that you will get the therapy that you need to get past this, and that your boyfriend will be patient and loving while you work through the trauma. :)

People can feel distressed, even downright guilty, over things that are perfectly healthy, though. We're talking about fulfilling a need and a desire, and trying to work through a traumatic experience, in a way that everybody involved consents to--in my mind, that is a bonding experience, and an expression of love. Keep in mind how many people feel distressed or guilty, simply because they feel sexual desire--guilt doesn't necessarily mean the feeling is wrong.
 
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Criada

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Praying for you sweetie:hug:
It is a very common response to want to re enact abuse in a situation where you feel safe and in control.. it can help your brain to deal with the traumatic memories.
If it makes you feel bad, though, there are other ways of dealing with the trauma, and it would be a good idea to get some professional help.
 
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New_Found_Faith

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The OP should bear in mind that writergirl4god's opinions are merely her opinions and are highly debatable/suspect.

IMO it is this kind of opinion (presented as fact) which is causing the OP to feel distressed/disgusted/guilty, when in fact she should feel none of these things.
 
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New Found Faith, of course we are all expressing our opinions here. I did not present mine as fact, in fact I've used the phrases 'I don't think' and 'in my opinion'. If you would like to present biblical evidence that contradicts them, I am willing to keep an open mind and take it into consideration.

OP, how are you doing? Have you been able to discuss this with your boyfriend? I am praying for you, and keep us updated okay? :)
 
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brandon.j

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You are not a freak. Victims minds deal with trauma in different ways. You are not the only one with that reaction. It's not unusual for a victim to turn to hypersexuality and Blastophilia (rape fetish) as a coping mechanism. I would highly encourage, even getting down on my knees and begging you, to go see a mental health professional as it sounds like you're still suffering serious effects from the trauma.

God Bless, you'll be in my prayers
 
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Dysnomia

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I can't tell you how relieved I am to know I'm not the only one feeling that way! I haven't said a word to my husband because I don't want him to think it was something I wanted or that I'm a freak now...we have a hard enough time limping along that we're not super active anymore. Every time is a struggle and I don't want to deprive him of the physical side of our relationship, even if it means I have to act more interested than I am.
 
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PilgrimToChrist

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(Probably triggery)

I feel like such a freak. I read some of these topics on this message board...and i'm nothing like the other assault survivors here.

I'm a new Christian and new to these boards. I was assaulted in my dorm room in the fall of 2005 by a "friend" of mine. He forcibly raped me, and I blamed myself for a long time because I was drunk (he was sober) and thought I somehow deserved it. I never pressed charges or sought out retribution because of this guilt.

Fast forward to today and I know now that the rape wasn't my fault, and I no longer feel guilty for what happened to me. But I do feel guilty for something else. I just recently divorced my husband for his repeated adultery, so i'm not sexually active at the moment. But the assault never made me timid sexually...in fact it had the opposite effect. I became almost hyper-sexualized. I was very promiscuous shortly after the incident. But i went through counseling and settled down not long before I joined a church and got married. The promiscuity did not continue into my marriage, but I did discover something disturbing about myself when I became married.

As my then husband and I become more comfortable sexually together, I discovered that I became aroused by various sex acts. I can't believe i'm admitting this, because it's horribly embarrassing, sickening and disgusting. But I become very aroused at roleplaying rape-type scenarios. I have no idea why. I talked my then-husband into it several times, and while it was occurring I enjoyed it, but afterwards I felt horrified and sick.

I mean, what type of rape victim LIKES sex that mimics rape? There is something seriously wrong with me. I've been to support groups with other women, and I used to constantly hear them talk about how they could barely have sex due to what they've experienced. The ones who could stand sex couldn't deal with sex that was even remotely rough....I just nodded my head and pretended like I understood these women or related to them. Inside my mind was screaming "you are a freak! what's wrong with you?"

I don't know what to do.....the more I think about it the more disgusted I am with my brain. I had finally begun to move forward from all this....then this came up. I sicken myself. I feel very alone.

What's worse is that i'm in a new relationship. My new boyfriend is SO understanding and loving...and a great Christian man who helped the Lord pull me away from a church full of false doctrine and cult-like behaviors. I expect he will be proposing in the near future....But i'm terrified. I've told him about the assault before..but never about my sexual inclinations....and I don't know if I should or not. He's very open, but my ex husband and now the internet are the only ones who know about my perversion.

So what in the heck is wrong with me? And should I discuss it with my boyfriend should we become engaged? I feel so alone and disgusted....


It actually happens, you're not a freak. People deal with rape in one of two ways -- they either become frigid and afraid of sex (including being unable to have sex because they tense up too much even though they want it) or they become hyper-sexual, including re-enacting the assault in various ways (sado-masochism and so-called "play rape"). Both are ways of trying to re-assert a sense of control over your sexuality which was taken away by the assault, either by protecting it and turning inward or becoming promiscuous and turning outward.

Of course, neither extreme response is healthy and getting over those things is part of the healing process. But certainly, you are not a freak for reacting in that way, it's a well-known phenomenon. I have found myself getting turned on sometimes remembering the assault and other times I want to eviscerate him for doing that to me. The fact that I have a history in the BDSM community (primarily prior to the assault) as a bottom getting consensually tied down and beaten, where a loss of control is erotic, probably also complicates things. And it doesn't even have to be sadomasochistic, back in college I was several pounds lighter than I am now and I was involved with a bigger, burly guy (6'3", 250lbs of muscle) who could pick me up and throw me on the bed and do whatever he wanted to me and that loss of power there was very hot. But trying to get a guy off of you and realizing he is a lot stronger than you and that you can't get away, that was terrifying. Our sexual fantasies can be very complex, being assaulted just makes things even more confused.

I pray you can learn to relax, feel safe and trust your boyfriend, that memories of your attack won't get between you and him.

God Bless!
~ Pilgrim
 
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Though I am not a victim of rape or sexual assault, I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse by both my father and my aunt. Growing up, I was masturbating at the age of 3 and on, and I too became hyper-sexualized. I became very promiscuous and especially had a tendency towards degrading situations such as being tied up, talked down to, etc. Although the previous posters may be right and it may just be what you "like", I don't believe it's of any coincidence. I don't blame the past, but I'm sure being victimized plays a key role in people's sexual development.

Also, talk to your boyfriend. He is a man of the Lord! And the Lord says to understand and to forgive! Do not fear his reaction, if the Lord is in his heart and this is the man you are meant to marry, all will work out. But only based on truth. Get it all out there and let the Lord take care of the rest.

God bless you and best of luck.
 
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johnflinst

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Also, though the desire for sex can be strong, it is not a 'need'

Actually, if you're going to base your reasoning on the Bible, it says something very different about that:

1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (New Living Translation)

2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.
5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
 
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Hespera

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I feel like such a freak. I read some of these topics on this message board...and i'm nothing like the other assault survivors here.

I'm a new Christian and new to these boards. I was assaulted in my dorm room in the fall of 2005 by a "friend" of mine. He forcibly raped me, and I blamed myself for a long time because I was drunk (he was sober) and thought I somehow deserved it. I never pressed charges or sought out retribution because of this guilt.

Fast forward to today and I know now that the rape wasn't my fault, and I no longer feel guilty for what happened to me. But I do feel guilty for something else. I just recently divorced my husband for his repeated adultery, so i'm not sexually active at the moment. But the assault never made me timid sexually...in fact it had the opposite effect. I became almost hyper-sexualized. I was very promiscuous shortly after the incident. But i went through counseling and settled down not long before I joined a church and got married. The promiscuity did not continue into my marriage, but I did discover something disturbing about myself when I became married.

As my then husband and I become more comfortable sexually together, I discovered that I became aroused by various sex acts. I can't believe i'm admitting this, because it's horribly embarrassing, sickening and disgusting. But I become very aroused at roleplaying rape-type scenarios. I have no idea why. I talked my then-husband into it several times, and while it was occurring I enjoyed it, but afterwards I felt horrified and sick.

I mean, what type of rape victim LIKES sex that mimics rape? There is something seriously wrong with me. I've been to support groups with other women, and I used to constantly hear them talk about how they could barely have sex due to what they've experienced. The ones who could stand sex couldn't deal with sex that was even remotely rough....I just nodded my head and pretended like I understood these women or related to them. Inside my mind was screaming "you are a freak! what's wrong with you?"

I don't know what to do.....the more I think about it the more disgusted I am with my brain. I had finally begun to move forward from all this....then this came up. I sicken myself. I feel very alone.

What's worse is that i'm in a new relationship. My new boyfriend is SO understanding and loving...and a great Christian man who helped the Lord pull me away from a church full of false doctrine and cult-like behaviors. I expect he will be proposing in the near future....But i'm terrified. I've told him about the assault before..but never about my sexual inclinations....and I don't know if I should or not. He's very open, but my ex husband and now the internet are the only ones who know about my perversion.

So what in the heck is wrong with me? And should I discuss it with my boyfriend should we become engaged? I feel so alone and disgusted....


My counselor told me that it is part of my mind's way of coming to terms with what happened. Im glad you posted this, I used to feel the same way about myself.

Sometimes you dont want to try to outsmart your subconscious, or try to figure out how things should be!

Dont make it harder than it is. Dont be disgusted or hate yourself! Mental health is not easy,you have to work at it. Sometimes the hardest thing is to accept that nature knows best, just to let nature takes its course.
 
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