My name is Katy, I'm 21 years old and was raped 2 months ago. Uhh. *trigger warning* (was too late to add in subject by the time I read the trigger warning thing) I belong to another group but I would love to speak with other believers. Here is my story and struggle (Kinda long and warning, graphic details)
I was drinking at a friend's house and it was the first time we were alone. We were in his room and he started trying to touch my breast. I tried to laughed it off and said no, push his hand away. Then he noticed I had a hole in the side of my jeans by my crotch. He reached his finger in. I said no. I was nervous and curled myself up. He pulled me over by the belt loops of my pants and pulled me to him. He took off my pants. Then he started jabbing very hard and roughly inside of me with his finger for about 15 minutes. I mean he was just so rough and violent. I tried to push him off but he ignored me. He then climbed on top of me, positioning my legs so they were straddling him. He started grinding against me. I just looked at him and said "Please don't make me do this" and said "Don't worry, I'm not going to rape u" He then tossed me off the bed. I sat in the corner, and he said "Do you think I raped u?" I was scared and said no, then he said "r u gonna tell anyone" I said no. He said good and handed me my clothes.
*warning this part very graphic*
I dont know what happened next, but we were back in his bedroom he took off my pants again and started giving me oral sex. I begged him to stop and tried to push him off. It was so long. He wentback and forth between oral, jabbing me violently again, grabing my throat, lifting my shirt, biting me, Doing both jabbing me and oral at the same time, acting like he was gonna have sex with me and said , again "i'm not gonna rape u". It went on for so long. He was so vile everytime I protested he would say things like "if you hate it why are so dripping wet?" and such. When he was done he followed me around saying "are you going to call the cops, I could've done a lot more"
He would go on like nothing happened, just hang out, Then he would attack me the same way over and over. I think I was assaulted 5 seperate times in total that night. One time I blacked out from stress, when I woke up he was started to stick himself in me and he said "you are so lucky you woke up, if you had just given me two more seconds" He was so angry. It bothers me so much. I was so sumbissive I didn't fight back much why was he so angry with me? I was attacked repeatadly throughout the night. I went home. I made a report the next day and he confessed and went to jail.
Well that was what happened to me. So many things bother me. WHy did he keep playing with my head and teasing me with his member and not flat out have sex? It was like he was trying to mess with my head. When he was done he was always so angry. WHy? I was so sumbisive why was he angry with me? It was so painful. I know a lot of women are through worse, but he hurt me so bad and it felt like such a violent rape. And how could he think he wasn't raping me? Do you think it was a violent attack?? It was so long I was in such pain for a week.
It took me a long time to even realize I was a real rape victim. I had always had the rape fantasy from when I was like 12, I never wanted it, I was ashamed never mentioned it so I didn't know it was common. I thought I had somehow caused it because of the fantasy and wasn't really raped. I know different now. But I'm still going through a lot. After the rape I decided to change my life around. I started going to church, got baptized, really found God. I threw out all of old clothes. I used to wear tanks tops and miniskirt. Now all I wear is jeans and hoodies. I used to be bartender, now I hate men looking at me and perfer to be unnoticed. It has been such a shock to my system. I feel like I dont know who I am. When I look in the mirror it's like I dont see a person. Every afternoon I feel like I'm in a haze. Like I'm right back to how I felt the day after I was raped. I have a hard time socializing. I pretty much just stuck with my boyfriend and parents. I feel so tainted and like dirty in a way that people can see. I was planning a wedding and now it's been put on hold cause sex terrifies me.
I'm sry it was so graphic. I just felt like I needed to get it out!
I have come a long way. I'm still working through a lot.
I was drinking at a friend's house and it was the first time we were alone. We were in his room and he started trying to touch my breast. I tried to laughed it off and said no, push his hand away. Then he noticed I had a hole in the side of my jeans by my crotch. He reached his finger in. I said no. I was nervous and curled myself up. He pulled me over by the belt loops of my pants and pulled me to him. He took off my pants. Then he started jabbing very hard and roughly inside of me with his finger for about 15 minutes. I mean he was just so rough and violent. I tried to push him off but he ignored me. He then climbed on top of me, positioning my legs so they were straddling him. He started grinding against me. I just looked at him and said "Please don't make me do this" and said "Don't worry, I'm not going to rape u" He then tossed me off the bed. I sat in the corner, and he said "Do you think I raped u?" I was scared and said no, then he said "r u gonna tell anyone" I said no. He said good and handed me my clothes.
*warning this part very graphic*
I dont know what happened next, but we were back in his bedroom he took off my pants again and started giving me oral sex. I begged him to stop and tried to push him off. It was so long. He wentback and forth between oral, jabbing me violently again, grabing my throat, lifting my shirt, biting me, Doing both jabbing me and oral at the same time, acting like he was gonna have sex with me and said , again "i'm not gonna rape u". It went on for so long. He was so vile everytime I protested he would say things like "if you hate it why are so dripping wet?" and such. When he was done he followed me around saying "are you going to call the cops, I could've done a lot more"
He would go on like nothing happened, just hang out, Then he would attack me the same way over and over. I think I was assaulted 5 seperate times in total that night. One time I blacked out from stress, when I woke up he was started to stick himself in me and he said "you are so lucky you woke up, if you had just given me two more seconds" He was so angry. It bothers me so much. I was so sumbissive I didn't fight back much why was he so angry with me? I was attacked repeatadly throughout the night. I went home. I made a report the next day and he confessed and went to jail.
Well that was what happened to me. So many things bother me. WHy did he keep playing with my head and teasing me with his member and not flat out have sex? It was like he was trying to mess with my head. When he was done he was always so angry. WHy? I was so sumbisive why was he angry with me? It was so painful. I know a lot of women are through worse, but he hurt me so bad and it felt like such a violent rape. And how could he think he wasn't raping me? Do you think it was a violent attack?? It was so long I was in such pain for a week.
It took me a long time to even realize I was a real rape victim. I had always had the rape fantasy from when I was like 12, I never wanted it, I was ashamed never mentioned it so I didn't know it was common. I thought I had somehow caused it because of the fantasy and wasn't really raped. I know different now. But I'm still going through a lot. After the rape I decided to change my life around. I started going to church, got baptized, really found God. I threw out all of old clothes. I used to wear tanks tops and miniskirt. Now all I wear is jeans and hoodies. I used to be bartender, now I hate men looking at me and perfer to be unnoticed. It has been such a shock to my system. I feel like I dont know who I am. When I look in the mirror it's like I dont see a person. Every afternoon I feel like I'm in a haze. Like I'm right back to how I felt the day after I was raped. I have a hard time socializing. I pretty much just stuck with my boyfriend and parents. I feel so tainted and like dirty in a way that people can see. I was planning a wedding and now it's been put on hold cause sex terrifies me.
I'm sry it was so graphic. I just felt like I needed to get it out!
I have come a long way. I'm still working through a lot.
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