Don't like kids. Wife wants kid. (great)

Perhaps you and your wife should see a Christian counselor about this issue. Just a suggestion.

I highly suggest some outside help...pastor, counselor....that's a big one.

Just what is it you do now that you think you can't do with kids?

Why does it symbolize a loss of freedom for you?

I ask because I have a lot of fun & lead an interesting lifestyle . . . and I have a daughter 2 years 3 months and a son 3 months old.

I can understand feeling like .. . once you have kids with a woman, you can't pull the plug on the relationship, but being married you shouldn't be thinking that way anyway. So what is the rub?

As a stay at home mom of 8 beautiful children, I can say without a doubt, that children are indeed a blessing and a gift from the Lord. They should not be treated or thought of as burdens or inconveniences. I think it is a shame when I hear married adults insist that children would interfere with their preferred lifestyle. It is such a shame for me to hear parents openly declare that they "just can't wait" until their children are out of the house. What a tragedy, IMHO. Whether we view childen as a blessing from God or not depends on how much we see them as God sees them - made in His image - fearfully and wonderfully made. When we look at children through the eyes of God, there is no question that every child is truly a blessing from Him. I'm very thankful and humbled that God chose my husband and I to raise and love these children. There is no higher calling than to be a mother or a father. It is an awesome responsibility, one that I would not exchange for the world.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." Psalm 127:3

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate." Psalm 127:3-5

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:13-16

A lot of women trick men into having kids because many guys are not ready to have kids until they find out that they will (there's one on the way). It is not right or fair, but women do it. And it doesn't necessarily change the man's view.

I can understand your perception. My BIL, Russ, is a pastor, and he and his wife (my sister) have chosen not to have children. It is not a shame to them IMHO. I think it is right for them as they don't see the point, think it will take away their freedom and be a problem in their lives. They contend they are too selfish. I get it. Some people should not have children. Some people don't have the lifestyle to have children. Some don't have the patience. Some don't have the time. Some don't have the will.

I have had four children--all boys. I have had them years apart so that each one is a family by himself--his brother is at least five years older. I do love my children, and I love to be with them. They are all independent. But there are times I do realize how much it ties a person down. It is very limiting. You need to find a babysitter, a grandmother or someone if you want to go somewhere, and leaving for a weekend is pretty hard to do. You're concerned that the person isn't right for your child. You have to go to school conferences, doctor and dental appointments, sports, family holidays, and so many more things. You have a lot of work with them to do it right.

I do believe my children are a blessing, but they are a lot of work. It is very heart rending when something happens to them that you believe is bad. It is painful to love them so much and be hurt so much by them.

Having children is a huge decision. If your wife was adamant about having kids and has now changed her mind, are you really sure she has? Is she going to just get pregnant thinking you will be happy when the time comes? You'd be surprised at how many times that happens.

I would absolutely go to counseling. I think you need to talk to someone and work it out together. Otherwise, you will be angry if it happens, and you will resent both her and the child.

The Bible says the Children are a blessing and we should be fruitful and fill the Earth.

SteelDisciple said:

I need help!! I’m 32, my wife is 28. She recently decided she wants to have a kid. (she didn’t want any before now) I don’t like kids…I hate the idea of being chained down by having one. To me, having a kid signifies the end of freedom. I love the fact, right now we can go out anytime we want, we can do anything we want whenever, without having to find a babysitter, etc…it’s all about her and I. When I see other peoples kids I don’t have the “awww” feeling instead…infact, I don’t feel anything towards them at all. They just seem like a bother to me.

So, now we’re in heated debate over what to do…

Anyone else been through this before?

Click to expand...

That is tough. She is hitting that age range where her desire for kids is only going to get stronger. Not sure what to tell you. I want kids myself, but haven't been able to find a women I want to have them with. lol

Maybe you should reconsider. It is alot of work, but in the end it will be worth it.

It's just wierd to read someone who professes to be a christian say that children are a bother... Didn't Jesus say, "Suffer the little children to come unto me and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven." ??? I think that it is selfish of you to deny children to your wife because you want to do what you want, whenever you want. Basically you have said that you don't wanna share anything with anyone; and you don't want to have your ability to be entertained at your whim interrupted.

But Jesus also didn't have kids.

Either way as was mentioned already, some people just don't feel comfortable having children for various reasons. There are people who've changed their minds to have kids & others still who have regretted it &/or mistreated their kids.

Also, please think of how "children are a blessing from God, you will never have a higher calling or be fulfilled if you don't have them" messages can make those who were mistreated by their parents feel. For some people it tends to increase the feelings of worthlessness.

I'm a fence sitter on the issue myself. Some days I think I'd really want them, other days I realize I don't have the desire or patience let alone the financial situation to deal with having kids. I also have family members who are childless (can't have kids), childfree (don't want to have kids for their own personal reasons) & those that can never have too many kids!

I haven't been to this thread for a while, so I haven't read everything everyone has written. However, truly, if a person doesn't want to have children, shouldn't that be between them and God?

The Bible does say children are a blessing. However, Paul also says that he wishes we were all without partners so we could spend more time with the Lord. Should we all feel guilty because we are not single?

Therefore, we should not feel guilty if we do not have children. If we choose not to take the blessing that the Lord is offering us, then that is our choice. We shouldn't have to feel like it is sin. The Bible does not say, "sin not, have children." (Having read it seven times through, and some books 20 times, I haven't seen it.)

So I truly think that it needs to be someone's choice. I'd far rather someone not have children than if they were going to mistreat them, ignore them, or just plain be a bad parent. It may be that this person doesn't want children because he knows either he or his wife would be a poor (or at least lackadaisical) parent. I them we have enough parents like that now. We don't need more.

My sister and her husband (a minister) do not have children. That I know, they have never felt guilty about it. They both decided that they were too selfish to have children. I would hate for a person who was selfish to have children and ignore them and be a bad parent and add one more child into the judicial system.

I do really think it needs to not be a condemnation when a person doesn't choose to have children. So they are going to miss out on the blessing. I wouldn't. But then, I would have liked tremendously to have missed out on the pain of children too.

We were there.

When we married we both agreed - no kids. There was not an ounce of yearning or desire for children. I cooed at babies because it was required, but they just looked like stinky. leaky, loud little creatures who served no purpose whatsoever.

My husband changed his mind. Suddenly he wanted kids - this major decision that would effect my life far more than his! How dare he! He wanted me to be someone other than who I was.

But I prayed a whole lot about this, mostly, at first, asking God to change His mind. I never reached the pointing of wanting children, but I became open to the possibility, in theory. And, then I because pregnant. Faithful use birth control has a fail rate. I was not wowed and thrilled and overjoyed - I felt as if I had been swept away on a huge wave.

What I had no notion of, before we had kids, was how much a parent loves a child. All other babies in the world were mewling, puking, obnoxious critters, but this one, this one single baby in all the universe, I loved with a passion I cannot express. I feared, with subsequent pregnancies, that I could not love the others, but it was there, this overwhelming passion and love for each child. (Now ages, 28. 25 and 22, some of my very favorite people in the universe, who behaved well in restaurants at an early age.)

That by no means means that your story should or will be like mine. God has a journey designed expressly for each of us and yours may or may not include children; I'm just witnessing to the fact that there can be a 180 degree change in your emotions.

God bless you and your wife.

SteelDisciple said:

When I see other peoples kids I don’t have the “awww” feeling instead…infact, I don’t feel anything towards them at all. They just seem like a bother to me.

So, now we’re in heated debate over what to do…

Anyone else been through this before?

Click to expand...

I was exactly the same about kids and in fact I still am to a point. I don't feel anything towards other peoples kids but I would do absolutley anything for my three.

Before our first was born, I was so nervous but its almost like a switch clicked as soon as she arrived. In my experience it is different with your own.

Babysitters etc is just a side issue. Things like that will be sorted out. You don't want to look back in ten years time regretting the fact that you missed out.

I have friends in their mid 40s who have spent a fortune on IVF with no luck simply because they left it too late......

To the OP: In my opinion, if one person wants children, and the other doesn't, the couple should NOT have children. It's not worth risking the bitterness, frustration, and resentment that could result from an unwanted child entering the family, and the child's welfare would be what suffers from it. You both agreed that you didn't want children when you got married. Her changing her mind doesn't mean that she can call the monopoly on the decision. I hope that she backs off for now, and that you can come to a mutual agreement on what to do in the future. Seriously, 28 and 32 are NOT "old" or anywhere near it. Give yourselves a year or two and revisit the issue.

If she really really wants childrent the urge will probably only get stronger rather than go away, the yearning increases till its all you can think about. Do you know anyone with a young baby that would trust her to look after it for a day or an evening, experiencing what it can be like might help her to make up her mind one way or the other. For you, all I can say is when you see your own child it feels very different to all the other babies you have met, when it is your own you feel such love for them.

This is a difficult issue to resolve as there is simply no compromise. You either have a baby or you don't. I agree with those who say that you see your own child in a completely different light to anyone else's children. However, you are right that it is limiting in some ways. A babysitter isn't always available, they can call in sick, children will keep you up at night when they are sick or teething, if your child needs a doctor or has some special need that can be demanding, when you are sick they still need care. I think it is worth it and wouldn't be without my kids but I realise that for some, it may not feel worth it. This is something only you and your wife can resolve. I'd suggest praying about it and asking God to change one of your hearts - and be open to whichever way that might go!

If you do not want a child, then you absolutely should not have one. A child should never be put into a family where one parent resents it, and doesn't give it the love and time it deserves, or who gives it begrudgingly. Children sense when they are wanted.

There is nothing wrong with you not wanting to have a child, but you must realize that there is also nothing wrong with your wife wanting to have a child. What you must decide for yourselves is whether or not this is a make it or break it situation for the two of you. If she is wanting a child now, at 28, this feeling will only intensify, the older she gets. She may then begin to deeply resent you because you have kept her from having a child, which would ruin the marriage you want to keep in tact to begin with.

These are things that should have been worked out before you married, but feelings change, opinions change, and people change, grow, become different as time goes on. A christian counselor and/or pastoral counselor is going to be able to help you both in some aspects but what it will boil down to is this: Am I willing to give up my marriage to stick with my decision to have or not to have children?

That's a question you'll both have to ask yourselves, and unfortunately, it may mean the end of your relationship if you can't come to an agreement without forcing one to compromise.


My advice for you both, not just you, is this:

Pray.
Ask God to help you to make the right choice.
Ask him if there is something in you that needs work, or changing, and if there is, tell him that you want him to help you change.
Finally, trust God to know what is best for you, and if you can't do that, then the issue here isn't having children, it's your faith.

By the way, you shouldn't feel ashamed for having these worries or feelings. It's good that you are in touch with how you feel. Sometimes men can't pinpoint why they feel as they do, but you seem to have a good handle on what it is about having a child that concerns you. Know this one thing though; you'll age, and your feelings may change. Some day you may feel ready for children, but that may come at a time when your wife is no longer physically capable to do so, and this could become a time when she would resent you the most. Something to keep in mind.

I'll pray for you both too.

I can relate to the poster in many ways. I am 38yrs old, single and never been married before and really enjoy my single lifestyle. After a busy day at work then a tiring workout at the gym, I love being able to come home and relax without the stresses or demands of parenting.

It is a huge, huge undertaking alright! I do think you should talk about it with a outside party like a counselor.

Having said all that, I do think there are many blessings to be experienced from having children. Also, I think that if you plan it properly and only have two kids, then the demands are not that great for two adults to manage successfully. Beyond two kids, you might be finding it a real grind on many fronts.