Can I have an opinion on something?

-Kyriaki- · Jan 26, 2010

My Dad has been semi-retired for a couple years now, and I swear he's somewhat like a bored 6 year old boy - he hasn't got enough to do, so he picks fights. He's been away with my mum for a few weeks now, staying at my grandmother's house, and both my sister and i have been over there for a week each at different times during that period. But we've had a break which is nice, and we've been home together for quite a bit of it. A couple conversations we've had (and we have entirely different personality types) have come down to the same thing - there are forever screaming matches in our house, and Dad seems to cause most of them, and we both hate them.

Well, Dad got back last Friday, and I've been home for two and a bit days so far with him in the house and it's been peaceful enough. But he has to fix the oven (actually, install the oven properly since it was only put in the wall (by him) a year ago and fell on me last night when I was cooking) and he took it out with help last night and put it on the bed in the spare room, which is reasonable since it's close, but it also has a quilt on it that I hand embroidered and then made up a few years ago. He didn't put a sheet down or anything, and you can imagine that I'm not entirely thrilled about this. The oven has sharp corners, and probably grease etc inside.

He called me out from my room where I was busy sorting winter and summer clothes to help measure the oven, which is reasonable enough, so I went to help and when I was done said 'can you put a sheet down next time?' He said something or other about 'sorry', and I said 'ok, just please remember next time.'

Well that devolved into an almighty screaming match because the next thing I knew I was being yelled at about how I didn't accept his apology and was giving him a lecture. I tried to talk reasonably back but there's only so much being yelled at that I can take without yelling back, and when I realised where this was going I said "I didn't give you a lecture, I didn't want this, and I'm leaving", shut the door and went up the corridor to my room and shut that door. Dad followed me, opened the door and proceeded to yell at me and when I said "I don't want a fight this always turns into one", I got yelled at for accusing him of always being in fights. FINALLY I managed to make him go away, but I'm shaken up now and really frustrated because I don't like yelling, I don't like this, and I really don't see what I've done wrong.

Can people have a look at this and give me an opinion? I don't mind being in the wrong if someone can just show me WHERE I was wrong.

ClementofRome · Jan 26, 2010

He needs a part-time job or a serious hobby.....I completely agree with you. I see some things in my own retired Dad that I think could be cured with a serious hobby.

Dorothea · Jan 26, 2010

Sorry, I can't find anywhere where you were in the wrong. It is normal to feel guilty or bad for having an argument with your parent(s). I know what that feels like, only I don't do well w/confrontations, and just suck it up. But you did right to say how you felt and not in a mean way. Your dad just seems to have some issues with anger and maybe something else. I don't know. I'm no psychiatrist or counselor. I know there are problems with my own family (parents), and can relate to the irrational yelling and such. I think depression is involved, but the parent won't get help and the other one doesn't have the first parent to make him take his meds. It's a mess. I sympathize with you, Kyriaki, and I know the shaken feeling and how awful it feels. The tension, emotional drain, and the just awful feelings that follow such episodes. I don't know what you can do other than do what you're doing....if you could avoid them, that would be good, but I'm guessing that's not possible at this time. I was told that I should honor my parents, but I don't have to take the abuse (verbal). So, saying what you feel in a respectful way is ok. I don't know if I've helped or made any sense. I've been so outta wack this past week, I'm wondering when my self will return. Ugh.

Like Clem said, maybe he needs something to keep him busy. It seems retirement can be depressing for some because it's a life change. I'll keep you and your family in my prayer, Kyriaki. :hug:

-Kyriaki- · Jan 26, 2010

Thankyou so much both of you, it means a lot to have someone say that. This one DIDN'T descend into me being called selfish, manipulative and goodness knows what else, and it usually does, so for that at least I'm grateful, but yes I want to honour my parents but not go stir crazy in the meantime. I like being at Andrew's, because at least his family never ends up in screaming matches, especially not in front of other people (and my Dad's done this in front of Andrew and others before). I help with the dishes, cleaning and whatever else I get asked to do (or manage to be allowed to do - his mum is a house proud greek woman and likes to do everything herself), and noone yells at me. Unfortunately, I have to live with my parents for at least half the week (I stay with his family on the weekends so I can get to Church and social things since he lives waaaaay the other side of town to me) and try to keep the peace when I'm here.

But when I'm home apparently I'm lazy and selfish and whatever else, or that's what my Dad calls me, and it always makes my head hurt trying to figure out if he's right or not. I got a LOT of that when I was sick and could barely get up off the couch most of the time, and would say 'sorry not today' when my mum would ask for something like sweeping the floor or whatever and I could barely move. You can imagine that the ensuing screaming match really helped me be less sick, right? Now I end up cooking at least once or twice a week for the family, which I quite enjoy, and I've been baking - I made a big cake and lots of cupcakes the other day, for everyone to eat. But there's no recognition that anything's changed due to the change in my health, and I'm not seeking glory I'd just like someone to not yell at me, or think they have to trap me into a situation where I'm forced to make dinner (my Dad did this this morning).

My Mum is generally much more reasonable, thankfully. I'm looking forward to the time in the future when I get to leave home, but that's not happening unless I get an Orthodox roommate (not going to happen) or get married (likely to happen, but not yet).

Oh and on my Dad and hobbies etc:

Dad is semi-retired - he's a professor in Engineering at one of the big colleges (there are three in my capital city), and is forever writing a paper or three, which keeps him somewhat busy. In between that he dabbles in theology and a bit of photography, and reads, but I think he's still bored. He's worked most of his life in a government science job, lots of politics and work, and he always says that he hated it but he's been a bit at a loose end since he quit that for the Uni job.

Dorothea · Jan 26, 2010

-Kyriaki- said:
Thankyou so much both of you, it means a lot to have someone say that. This one DIDN'T descend into me being called selfish, manipulative and goodness knows what else, and it usually does, so for that at least I'm grateful, but yes I want to honour my parents but not go stir crazy in the meantime. I like being at Andrew's, because at least his family never ends up in screaming matches, especially not in front of other people (and my Dad's done this in front of Andrew and others before). I help with the dishes, cleaning and whatever else I get asked to do (or manage to be allowed to do - his mum is a house proud greek woman and likes to do everything herself), and noone yells at me. Unfortunately, I have to live with my parents for at least half the week (I stay with his family on the weekends so I can get to Church and social things since he lives waaaaay the other side of town to me) and try to keep the peace when I'm here.

But when I'm home apparently I'm lazy and selfish and whatever else, or that's what my Dad calls me, and it always makes my head hurt trying to figure out if he's right or not. I got a LOT of that when I was sick and could barely get up off the couch most of the time, and would say 'sorry not today' when my mum would ask for something like sweeping the floor or whatever and I could barely move. You can imagine that the ensuing screaming match really helped me be less sick, right? Now I end up cooking at least once or twice a week for the family, which I quite enjoy, and I've been baking - I made a big cake and lots of cupcakes the other day, for everyone to eat. But there's no recognition that anything's changed due to the change in my health, and I'm not seeking glory I'd just like someone to not yell at me, or think they have to trap me into a situation where I'm forced to make dinner (my Dad did this this morning).

My Mum is generally much more reasonable, thankfully. I'm looking forward to the time in the future when I get to leave home, but that's not happening unless I get an Orthodox roommate (not going to happen) or get married (likely to happen, but not yet).

Oh and on my Dad and hobbies etc:

Dad is semi-retired - he's a professor in Engineering at one of the big colleges (there are three in my capital city), and is forever writing a paper or three, which keeps him somewhat busy. In between that he dabbles in theology and a bit of photography, and reads, but I think he's still bored. He's worked most of his life in a government science job, lots of politics and work, and he always says that he hated it but he's been a bit at a loose end since he quit that for the Uni job.

I'm guessing some of his grumpiness comes from the change in his job situation. Please don't take this in a sexist way (guys), but men find their jobs of the utmost importance.

Thought I'd skip my personal junk in here....if you ever need to talk more, PM me. The person who told me "Yes, I should honor my parents, but I don't have to take abuse from them," was my priest. :hug:

TheCunctator · Jan 27, 2010

I know it's a bit late, but I also think you were absolutely in the right.

I don't know if your father is an immigrant or from a traditionalist family, but that could be why he got that angry. Sometimes they have to dive into an argument, either to prove themselves right or for other reasons, and if you do confront him rationally, which it seems you have, he has to scream more to save face.

You did the right thing in never responding likewise to that provocation, for it shows that, even if you weren't correct in the beginning (which you were, at any rate), you certainly became right in the end for not screaming yourself.

ikonographics · Jan 27, 2010

-Kyriaki- · Jan 27, 2010

TheCunctator said:
I know it's a bit late, but I also think you were absolutely in the right.

I don't know if your father is an immigrant or from a traditionalist family, but that could be why he got that angry. Sometimes they have to dive into an argument, either to prove themselves right or for other reasons, and if you do confront him rationally, which it seems you have, he has to scream more to save face.

You did the right thing in never responding likewise to that provocation, for it shows that, even if you weren't correct in the beginning (which you were, at any rate), you certainly became right in the end for not screaming yourself.

I didn't say I didn't yell back :o

By the time he was in my doorway I'd lost it a bit, since I'd tried to get out of there already and shut two doors in the process. I tried, but failed. May God forgive me.

EDIT: also, no I'm 6th generation Australian. And my family isn't that traditional. Dad's just...like that.

ArmyMatt · Jan 27, 2010

um, does he have any hobbies where he makes good use of his hands? usually some kind of applied, hands on creativity can stop a guy's boredom. stuff like wood carving, working with tools, painting, etc.

-Kyriaki- · Jan 27, 2010

Not really. He fixes the odd thing around the house, with varying results - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't (like the oven falling on me).

There's heaps of stuff that needs doing around the house - the doors and skirting boards need sanding and painting, the window framed need sanding and varnishing, etc etc. But he doesn't really do that...he's the classic scientist with his head in the clouds a lot of the time.

Machachachi · Jan 27, 2010

Introduce him to World of Warcraft..... :O

-Kyriaki- · Jan 27, 2010

...somehow, I think not. But nice try

Machachachi · Jan 27, 2010

Ha ha

.

MariaRegina · Jan 27, 2010

-Kyriaki- said:
My Dad has been semi-retired for a couple years now, and I swear he's somewhat like a bored 6 year old boy - he hasn't got enough to do, so he picks fights. He's been away with my mum for a few weeks now, staying at my grandmother's house, and both my sister and i have been over there for a week each at different times during that period. But we've had a break which is nice, and we've been home together for quite a bit of it. A couple conversations we've had (and we have entirely different personality types) have come down to the same thing - there are forever screaming matches in our house, and Dad seems to cause most of them, and we both hate them.

Well, Dad got back last Friday, and I've been home for two and a bit days so far with him in the house and it's been peaceful enough. But he has to fix the oven (actually, install the oven properly since it was only put in the wall (by him) a year ago and fell on me last night when I was cooking) and he took it out with help last night and put it on the bed in the spare room, which is reasonable since it's close, but it also has a quilt on it that I hand embroidered and then made up a few years ago. He didn't put a sheet down or anything, and you can imagine that I'm not entirely thrilled about this. The oven has sharp corners, and probably grease etc inside.

He called me out from my room where I was busy sorting winter and summer clothes to help measure the oven, which is reasonable enough, so I went to help and when I was done said 'can you put a sheet down next time?' He said something or other about 'sorry', and I said 'ok, just please remember next time.'

Well that devolved into an almighty screaming match because the next thing I knew I was being yelled at about how I didn't accept his apology and was giving him a lecture. I tried to talk reasonably back but there's only so much being yelled at that I can take without yelling back, and when I realised where this was going I said "I didn't give you a lecture, I didn't want this, and I'm leaving", shut the door and went up the corridor to my room and shut that door. Dad followed me, opened the door and proceeded to yell at me and when I said "I don't want a fight this always turns into one", I got yelled at for accusing him of always being in fights. FINALLY I managed to make him go away, but I'm shaken up now and really frustrated because I don't like yelling, I don't like this, and I really don't see what I've done wrong.

Can people have a look at this and give me an opinion? I don't mind being in the wrong if someone can just show me WHERE I was wrong.

Scientists are calling it andropause, the male counterpart to female menopause.
My husband is getting that way. Hunger and lack of sleep cause him to be particularly irritable.
So I must feed him snacks to keep him happy. We eat little meals and that seems to work.
Driving and breathing all the smog really puts him out of sorts.

Protoevangel · Jan 27, 2010

I'm sorry you have to go through that. Dorothea's right on the money. So often, men find their value in their employment. It sounds as if he feels undervalued. An engrossing, hands-on hobby or a part time job might help.

HandmaidenOfGod · Jan 27, 2010

My condolences. My father used to be explosive like that years ago when he hated his job. I was in High School at the time, and would spend hours at Barnes & Noble (it's a bookstore here in the States) because it was open until 11 PM.

After he got a new job my Senior Year of HS, things got remarkably better.

Have you spoken to your Mum about this? I can't imagine she enjoys living in such a hostile environment either. Perhaps she could help?

TheCunctator · Jan 27, 2010

-Kyriaki- said:
I didn't say I didn't yell back :o

By the time he was in my doorway I'd lost it a bit, since I'd tried to get out of there already and shut two doors in the process. I tried, but failed. May God forgive me.

EDIT: also, no I'm 6th generation Australian. And my family isn't that traditional. Dad's just...like that.

Just wondering, because my father is similar. He MUST have the last word and must be correct in all circumstances. Our family is very traditional, which is why I wondered whether yours might be the same.

It's not so bad that you yelled back. You can't resist forever.

TheCunctator · Jan 27, 2010

HandmaidenOfGod said:
My condolences. My father used to be explosive like that years ago when he hated his job. I was in High School at the time, and would spend hours at Barnes & Noble (it's a bookstore here in the States) because it was open until 11 PM.

After he got a new job my Senior Year of HS, things got remarkably better.

Have you spoken to your Mum about this? I can't imagine she enjoys living in such a hostile environment either. Perhaps she could help?

Borders > Barnes & Noble.

Amazon > Both.

Just sayin'.

Kreikkalainen · Jan 27, 2010

As much as you can, let it go. These things happen in families. If you think you could have done something better, note it, but don't dwell on your mistake. If you think he could have done something better, don't note it and don't dwell on his mistake - as much as you can. If you can't let it go completely, don't blame yourself for your inability to do so.

I understand if such things happen repeatedly, they add up to a truckload that you get to carry with you everywhere you go. Don't let yourself convince you that you are the only one. We all carry truckloads of one description or the other.

Oh, I almost forgot: :hug:

HandmaidenOfGod · Jan 27, 2010

TheCunctator said:
Borders > Barnes & Noble.

Amazon > Both.

Just sayin'.

I think you missed my point. I didn't go there for the books. I went there because it was close to my house, was safe, and was open until 11 PM when my father would go to bed.

You can't hang out at Amazon to avoid your father.

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