Another conversation with the person who sexually assualted me...

I have to give another update I might sound a bit emotional in the wording of my text, then again I may not. But anyhow, lets call him Billy. Billy had the nerve to text me monday night and ask me for a ride to school, please. My best friend who knew about the situation saw my face and asked who was texted me, I handed her the phone and she got just as mad as I was. She already knew that I had asked him quite a few times to stop messingaging and calling me and all. She was texting him back and forth telling him to leave me alone and that he already knew the reason why. He tried to act like he did know, but yet he didn't know.

She told me not to call or text him but I didn't listen because at the time I was mad. I did a bit of yelling then he finally said he thinks he knows what the reason was he thinks he knows why. But didn't want to say it aloud because he though I had him on speaker phone. I hung up on him because I felt myself becoming angry.

We started texting back and forth. He told me he thinks he knows what it is and how I got the bruise on my wrist. Then I reminded him of what he apologized for last week and also repeated the comment about the worse feeling in the world is thinking I was pregnant. Then he admitting having sex with me but had the nerve to say that he knew that I wanted it, he knew if I really wanted him to stop I would have gotten him off of me. Then I reminded him of how I tried hitting him, pushing him off of me, and literally pushing him out of me. I reminded him of how I told him to stop many times, I told him no and what he was doing was wrong. I told him don't even try that with me and it was not my fault he shouldn't have done that in the first place. Then he started to apolo-lie (apologize) to me, but kept saying sorry for the bruise but didn't say anything about the rape. I told him that "if he was man enough to do it than be man enough to admit that u did something wrong. U don't have to apologize but be man enough to claim it was messed up". " I also don't him don't say that trippin, I told him to see the situation from the other side of the table as if a cousin or sister had came to him with the same situation. So then he said why didn't I say something immediately afterwards why did I wait so long? I told him I didn't say anything to him because I felt maybe it was my fault that it happened maybe I didn't say no enough time, maybe I should have tried harder to hit him or push him off or maybe I was just in a bad situation. I told him I didn't want to say anything about it I mean how do I tell someone something like that.

Afterwards after letting some steam off and talking to him I thought I would feel alot better but truth be told it didn't help because he is only sorry to get me off his back he isn't truly sorry for his actions. He promised me he will never call or text me again. I saved the text messages that i sent him as well as the ones he sent me. But I try not to look at them because each time I do it makes me alittle mad then it dies down again.

I am not sure if it did more harm or good.

walking-in-love said:

Living4him09 you are very brave to be able to ring and talk with him. I am sorry that this happened...When I told my Mother what had happen to me she just screamed at me and told me never to talk about it again... I really believe for years that no one believe me and I was to scared to tell anyone... I hope you are getting counseling and that you can talk with your parents.... Because the long you keep this to yourself the worse it gets.....May God shower you in his perfect love ....love Jane

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Thanks, I haven't actually haven't went to counseling. I have kind of thought about it for a while. But, I have talked to a best friend about it who has been through a simlar situation and two of my older cousins about it, which overtime it helps knowing that someone knows and that I am not alone.

SiyoNqoba said:

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I agree that you should tell your parents or someone else who can help, and get counselling. This is something that is way too big for you to deal with on your own.

Can I also suggest that you don't talk to him anymore? It's going to take a massive journey for him to realise how wrong he was. You probably won't receive any closure, at least not any time soon.

I think, from what I've read, you and I have been through something similar, so please PM me if you ever need someone who doesn't know anyone involved to talk to

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Yes, that is a good suggestion. The last time I talked to him it was because he kept calling and texting me and wouldn't leave me alone, even with me asking him repeadly to please stop calling and texting me. I think that I had this werid thought that talking to him at the time might would make me feel better, it was like he wouldn't listen to my friend and he wouldn't listen to my cousin maybe he will atempt to listen to me this time. At the end of the day, I realize almost exactly how he is thinking about the whole situation, but in a sense after talking with him it not only showed me what he thought but also showed me that it was truly not my fault and that his thinking doesn't make any sense.


Thaks I appericate it greatly.

Just wanted to thank everyone for all there help and advice I just wanted to give an update and let everyone know that I am doing alot better now.

lily00 said:

Living4Him, we love you and are praying for you. You are not in this alone... Yes, I would strongly suggest talking with people you are close to, and eventually reporting him. You are very precious, and noone should be treated such as how he treated you, especially someone as precious as you.

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Thanks for the encouragement and the prayers I appericate it. I thought about learning if it's possible to call them to let them know about the situation anomously without reporting it. I saw him at the school library, I thought I was completely over it but when I saw him I felt a mixture of fear, and almost this piercing pain in my heart. Almost like that pain you feel in your heart in stomach after finding out a friend has been in a car accident or something. He kind of paused while walking when he saw me. then I looked at the screen didn't move or blink or anything, he came in for about three minutes and let. One of my friends ask me if I was okay because I had a blank face/stare. I told her I was even though I really wasn't I really just wanted to cry in the library he left just in time because I was about to leave because I almost felt sick to my stomach when I saw him.

spazlegs said:

Break the chains dear one, tell your parents. It will kill you to have to deal with this alone.

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I really don't want to talk to my parents about this, but I have shared it with a bestfriend who has been through a simlar situation and with a close cousin of mine.

Thanks

Hello,

Thanks, I am realizing that it helps alot to come here and talk to other and know there are people out there that care and are praying for me, helping and supporting me which has been a blessing.

Yes, he has still called me, we both attend college and we have a class together. So I have almost gotten use to seeing him and not reacting as bad. But he has called me a few times and everything. I did end up talking to him to do something I never thought I would be able to do, I told him that I forgive him for what he did, surprisingly it helped me out more than I thought it would. I have gotten to the point where from time to time I do honestly pray for him. Which means I have came along way, there are times when I still react when I see him sometimes it's worse than other times. It took me a while/long time to answer the phone and actually talk to him that initial time and two times afterward. But they usually was a call concerning class. I think talking to him has helped to face my fears a lot but even though I have forgiven him I still don't completely trust him.