Need advice on dealing with a bad spouse

chrissponias · Sep 17, 2009

I believe that it is obvious that the devil is dominating your wife, and that you are her victim. Your children are her victims too. God doesnt want to oblige you to live near the devil.

I think that it is totally wrong to consider your separation as if it was a sin. It is more than obvious that this is a situation of pure despair, and youll lose your sanity this way.

Find a good lawyer and your peace of mind.

I had a father who was terrible to my mother. He was very generous with me, because I look like him, but a monster with my mother and with everyone else.

When I was 14 years old I went with my mother to a lawyer, and I related him all the situation while my mother kept crying, unable to speak.

Do you think that God condemned her for trying to get rid of a monster that was torturing her everyday? She was afraid to have a divorce, because he had threatened her saying that he would kill her if she would dare abandoning him.

Do you think that it would be wise to advise my mother to insist on living with this monster? I was too young, and I studied in a Catholic school, but I had no doubt that God put me near her so that I could save this victim from despair.

Your situation is quite similar. You are a very big victim of your diabolic wife, and you have to do something about that, before youll explode.

Dogbean · Sep 18, 2009

It's pretty tough to make taht decision though....as the Bible is pretty black and white on when divorce is acceptable to God or not. But in my case, the marriage was my mistake to begin with, and I've paid for it long enough. I'd just be undoing the mistake. Yes, my kids would suffer as they would lose another mother, but they're going to lose their dad's sanity if something doesn't give, and give SOON!

chrissponias · Sep 18, 2009

The reason why the Bible condemns so much a divorce is because human beings tend to make mistakes, have children, then abandon their partner and children, and make even more mistakes, without accepting sacrifice, without understanding their spouse, without caring about their children and many other things.

You are not that kind of sinner: you accepted sacrifice, you tried to understand and help your wife, you were patient, you did everything you could in order to save your marriage, but you are dealing with an evil woman, who wont change, unless she accepts passing through psychotherapy and purification, what is not possible, since she has such horrible personality. She doesnt cooperate, and she will keep torturing you for life.

You made a mistake for getting married to her, but if youll continue living with her you are going to lose completely your mental health.

There is no way that you may help her change her behavior, and on the other hand, you wont bear to continue living this way for long. You are suffering daily as a victim of disrespect, and more. Some day youll explode, what will be worse, because you dont know what you could do against her, without being able to control your behavior.

Your children are not happy with such mother, because they feel how much she is humiliating you. They wont bear this situation for long, even if youll decide to do so. As soon as they will be able to, they will leave home, because they dont feel fine living this way. And besides that, they will condemn you for ruining their lives with your insistence on living with such diabolic woman if youll insist on living with her.

If you were not suffering so much as a victim, and the problems you had with your wife were simple, if there was a possibility of salvation, and if there were at least a few positive aspects in your marriage, if your children were happy because they were feeling protected for having a family, then you should bear your marriage and accept suffering without abandoning your wife, and live trying to improve your relationship with her, but this is not the case.

She wont change, youll keep suffering, and some day youll explode, because there is no human being that can accepting living as a victim forever without revolt. You could even come to the point of committing suicide in your despair.

This is serious. You have to recuperate your peace, your self-respect, your human dignity. You are living like a prisoner

God knows how much you have tried. Another man in your place wouldnt think twice. He would have abandoned a wife like yours immediately.

Therefore, God knows that you are innocent, and that you are in the position of a victim. He wont condemn you for separating your diabolic wife.

But of course, He expects something from you after this tragic experience. You have to think, and find out why you had to deal with such terrible wife, and perhaps start helping other people deal with similar problems, now that you know how horrible it is to live with a bad spouse.

Find a good lawyer, and put an end to your despair. Then, try to understand what God expects from you, and help other desperate people find their peace too.

Dogbean · Sep 18, 2009

chrissponias said:
The reason why the Bible condemns so much a divorce is because human beings tend to make mistakes, have children, then abandon their partner and children, and make even more mistakes, without accepting sacrifice, without understanding their spouse, without caring about their children and many other things.

You are not that kind of sinner: you accepted sacrifice, you tried to understand and help your wife, you were patient, you did everything you could in order to save your marriage, but you are dealing with an evil woman, who wont change, unless she accepts passing through psychotherapy and purification, what is not possible, since she has such horrible personality. She doesnt cooperate, and she will keep torturing you for life.

You made a mistake for getting married to her, but if youll continue living with her you are going to lose completely your mental health.

There is no way that you may help her change her behavior, and on the other hand, you wont bear to continue living this way for long. You are suffering daily as a victim of disrespect, and more. Some day youll explode, what will be worse, because you dont know what you could do against her, without being able to control your behavior.

Your children are not happy with such mother, because they feel how much she is humiliating you. They wont bear this situation for long, even if youll decide to do so. As soon as they will be able to, they will leave home, because they dont feel fine living this way. And besides that, they will condemn you for ruining their lives with your insistence on living with such diabolic woman if youll insist on living with her.

If you were not suffering so much as a victim, and the problems you had with your wife were simple, if there was a possibility of salvation, and if there were at least a few positive aspects in your marriage, if your children were happy because they were feeling protected for having a family, then you should bear your marriage and accept suffering without abandoning your wife, and live trying to improve your relationship with her, but this is not the case.

She wont change, youll keep suffering, and some day youll explode, because there is no human being that can accepting living as a victim forever without revolt. You could even come to the point of committing suicide in your despair.

This is serious. You have to recuperate your peace, your self-respect, your human dignity. You are living like a prisoner

God knows how much you have tried. Another man in your place wouldnt think twice. He would have abandoned a wife like yours immediately.

Therefore, God knows that you are innocent, and that you are in the position of a victim. He wont condemn you for separating your diabolic wife.

But of course, He expects something from you after this tragic experience. You have to think, and find out why you had to deal with such terrible wife, and perhaps start helping other people deal with similar problems, now that you know how horrible it is to live with a bad spouse.

Find a good lawyer, and put an end to your despair. Then, try to understand what God expects from you, and help other desperate people find their peace too.

WOW!

This is very blunt, and very well reasoned. I have a lot of thinking to do it seems.

chrissponias · Sep 19, 2009

Everything can be solved, and you will find your peace of mind, besides helping other people too.

I was also thinking about the way that your wife treats your children If she is so cruel with you, how is her relationship with your children?

She doesnt seem to be a person able to respect and show love to anyone

You are victims of an evil woman. Dont hate her for this reason though, but forgive her, because she doesnt know what she is doing. She lost her human conscience, and she lives dominated by absurdity.

Forgive her, but stay far from her, so that you may save your mental health, and give a better life to your children.

Take care!

Dogbean · Sep 20, 2009

chrissponias said:
Everything can be solved, and you will find your peace of mind, besides helping other people too.

I was also thinking about the way that your wife treats your children If she is so cruel with you, how is her relationship with your children?

She doesnt seem to be a person able to respect and show love to anyone

You are victims of an evil woman. Dont hate her for this reason though, but forgive her, because she doesnt know what she is doing. She lost her human conscience, and she lives dominated by absurdity.

Forgive her, but stay far from her, so that you may save your mental health, and give a better life to your children.

Take care!

She treats the kids well, but when she gets mad she uses profanity with them sometimes. She can restrain it, but lets it fly around me for purpose of ticking me off. She is a good mother, but considering that she is depressed all the time, she is not as family-oriented as she used to be. She makes us wonderful meals some of the time, but then goes back upstairs. She's been sick a lot lately, because of stress and failure to get good sleep, which has weakened her immune system. She is fair and loving with the kids for the most part. She reserves her true evil for me. Also, she spends a ridiculous amount of time sending text messages back and forth with family and friends far away, and typing on her computer and watching TV. This shows that her heart is really far away from me. Any time I point this out to her though, I am accused of "badgering" her about it. It's pointless to even bring it up.

Dogbean · Sep 25, 2009

Things really ugly here....not improving at all. She is so lost and does not know what she wants. She has no direction, and no comfort from the Lord like I have. Splitting up seems imminent. And she still thinks that I am most of the problem. It's really quite sad. She's doing to lose everything if we split up. And my pastor has said that based on her abandonment, I probably have Biblical grounds to initiate the divorce. I still think of it as a last resort....will give it time....hope she will swallow her pride and change, make some effort and fix things rather than hide in our former bedroom the whole time.

Hentenza · Sep 25, 2009

Dear Dogbean,

I read through the thread. Sorry that you are suffering so much. Your last post seems to indicate that you very close to initiating the divorce. I believe that you do have good biblical grounds for it. God knows that you have tried.

As far as 1 Cor 7:15, emotionally your wife has already departed. The Greek word χωριζεται does support an interpretation of more than just physical departure. It looks like she has spiritually and emotionally left you, therefore, you are under no obligation to continue the marriage. The second portion of the verse directly states that God has called us to live in peace. You are presently living under bondage.

Please take care of yourself and the children.

freeport · Sep 25, 2009

Dogbean said:
Things really ugly here....not improving at all. She is so lost and does not know what she wants. She has no direction, and no comfort from the Lord like I have. Splitting up seems imminent. And she still thinks that I am most of the problem. It's really quite sad. She's doing to lose everything if we split up. And my pastor has said that based on her abandonment, I probably have Biblical grounds to initiate the divorce. I still think of it as a last resort....will give it time....hope she will swallow her pride and change, make some effort and fix things rather than hide in our former bedroom the whole time.

Dogbean, you have far more information then we do and there are always multiple viewpoints to any situation.

God knows your heart, and you know it as well. Is it right? That is between you and God. The Spirit teaches all things and should lead you in all confidence in any situation.

Sometimes, separation has to happen. Often, relationships can mean great sacrifice.

Dogbean · Sep 25, 2009

I'm not going to do anything hasty, as long as things in the house are peaceful. She is trying to retreat and be peaceful, and only gets nasty when we try to talk and it doesn't go in her favor. She also sometimes tries to pick little fights with me, which I don't respond to....I don't give her the fight she wants. I can do no right in her eyes at this time. We're in-house separated at the moment, and I'm about to split the finances as well, which is sure to send her over the top if I do it. So I'm hoping maybe she uses this time to reflect, before things really get ugly with one of us moving out (which will have to be her because we live in government housing). She needs to realize that as tough as it looks, reconciling with me would be easier than the continued financial and emotional pain of what may happen....and I feel for the kids. The only bright side is we have no children of the marriage....there's my three and her two, both from before. But I'm hoping for a positive outcome. Please keep us in prayer, everyone. Let's see where God leads this.

AngelicRose · Sep 26, 2009

I think its wonderful that you still continue to be there for her and help your family out as you can--- as a husband and father should.

I'm sorry you're suffering though and I can understand why you might want to consider divorce or at least a separation from your wife at this time.

I did want to ask one thing, what was it that brought you two together? What made you two fall in love and decide to get married? Perhaps if you remember your past when you two did love each other it will help inspire you to help her--- I think also she needs to get that kind of inspiration in to her mind and heart too.

May the Lord bless your marriage if it is Hill will you two remain together. May He watch over each of your children through this difficult time as well :hug:

Dogbean · Sep 29, 2009

I wish the Lord blessed us soon...cus it's till pretty ugly at my house. She puts forth NO effort at all; says she wants to be civil and not fight, yet attacks me on so many occasions, and I'm not doing anything wrong except going above and beyond to parent the kids and run the house. All she does is watch TV and type on her computer and text message. I can't believe she doesn't have a huge headache from watching illuminated screens for her entire waking day. Oh wait a minute...she does! She complains of huge headaches every day!

She posts on myspace "I can't wait for things to be different; I'm patiently waiting." She's not waiting. She's lost, and doesn't know what she wants. We are in dire need of something to happen here...the Lord's intervention, to save this family. I am a believer of 20 years....why do I have to deal with this? My first wife died....haven't I been through enough?

She can't take much more or she'll snap!

bonjourecosse · Sep 30, 2009

Is divorce better or worse than being married to a non christian?

Dogbean · Oct 1, 2009

bonjourecosse said:
Is divorce better or worse than being married to a non christian?

I am perfectly ok with being married to a non-Christian. That's not the point. This person does not respect me, seeks every chance to undermine my authority in the house, has shut down as a mother and wife, and tries daily to provoke me to anger and fight with me. This person told me to my face that we can't fix things, that she cannot and won't respect me, and that she does not love me anymore.

d

Jeffz · Oct 1, 2009

Greetings my friend, from what you have shared about your wife's past relationships with ones who were bound by addictions, it is apparent that your wife has strongholds that must be fought on spirtual ground. Please understand that she is emotionaly, and spiritually sick and we can only fight this battle with spiritual weapons. I pray that God will instill compasion in your heart for your wife, and I pray that you will be able to find the solution in the Word of God. Especially pray and seek understanding and wisdom and Gods will. The following from Paul's letter to the Ephesians will help in the spiritual warefare. Brother wage the good fight for your wife and know that she is sanctified by your covering of her.

Eph 6:10 ¶ Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

Eph 6:11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

Eph 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places].

Eph 6:13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Eph 6:14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

Eph 6:15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

Eph 6:16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

Eph 6:17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:

Eph 6:18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

Eph 6:19 And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth boldly, to make known the mystery of the gospel,

Eph 6:20 For which I am an ambassador in bonds: that therein I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak.

Also you might seek some understanding about how addiction effects the ones not bound by the specific drug or alcohol, but it does effect them in other ways as is apparent in what you have shared.

One man set free,
Jeffrey

Aibrean · Oct 1, 2009

Dogbean said:
I am perfectly ok with being married to a non-Christian.

And you wonder why God is "doing this to you". If you don't want to obey the Bible on the topic of being unequally yoked because you don't want to apply it to yourself why are you even looking to the Bible for a way to get out of the marriage?

Dogbean · Oct 1, 2009

Aibrean said:
And you wonder why God is "doing this to you". If you don't want to obey the Bible on the topic of being unequally yoked because you don't want to apply it to yourself why are you even looking to the Bible for a way to get out of the marriage?

Back off aibrean, I made a mistake marrying her. I Know that. What I meant here was that I am willing to dwell with her as long as she is willing to dwell with me like a wife, whether she's a believer or not. I have accepted my mistake in marrying her, and I am not looking to get out because of her unbelief, I'm looking to get out, Biblically, because of her breaking the marriage vows and abandoning me! I was fooled in the beginning...she obviously was putting her best foot forward and I thought she was saved.

Please understand the whole story before you admonish someone!

Dogbean · Oct 2, 2009

Aibrean, sorry if I blasted you; I just don't think you have the full picture on what's going on here. I appreciate your input, but with respect, I don't think it's completely right for the situation.

Thanks
D

Aibrean · Oct 3, 2009

The way you phrased the quote I commented on it made it sounds like you didn't care she was an unbeliever in the first place which would change the whole situation.

Dogbean · Oct 4, 2009

Aibrean said:
The way you phrased the quote I commented on it made it sounds like you didn't care she was an unbeliever in the first place which would change the whole situation.

I understand. And of course I want to be obedient to God and be married to a believer. When I met her, I thought she was a believer. But later on I found out she is not, and that I was fooled in the beginning. So now that I'm stuck in the marriage, I can accept it if she is not a believer, as long as she keeps the vows, and respects me and is a good wife and mother. Being married to a kindhearted unbeliever like that is a million times better than what I'm going through now. I live with a wicked, troubled, selfish, vengeful woman, who does not take responsibility for her wrongs, and if she does, she does not let me know it. She wants me to think she is perfectly ok with how things are going.

Continued prayer is appreciated....that I have the strength and faithfulness to endure, that the kids and I get by, that her eyes are opened by God, and that if it's God's will, that he prompts her to end the marriage.

d

Need advice on dealing with a bad spouse

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