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DruryGirl
Guest
I came in here to share what I'd guess a lot of you must also suffer from-- extreme chronic guilt trips.
The more I like or am interested in something, the more guilt attacks I have to endure. If I like it, it's wrong. If it's the worst thing I can imagine, then it's what I should have in my life--unless of course I start to like or want it, then it becomes wrong. My conscience sometimes "rolls over." It leads me to something I don't want to do, then when I start liking the thing my conscience attacks and denounces.
For example, I recently moved out of my mother's very rural and isolated home at the age of 23. I was miserable and lonely there. I now rent a room from a Christian family in a busy city and I've never been happier.
Because I love it so much, my conscience has been going nuts.
Here are some of my recent "immoral" behaviors as told me by my conscience:
--I drive 8 minutes to church. There are a few churches that are probably more like 3-5 minutes away. The cumulative extra gas usage adds up over time. I am destroying the environment.
--The church itself is immoral. No reason has been given. I guess it's just because I like it. The family I rent with attends there and they've introduced me around. I've checked it out and have found no real reasons for concern.
--There are "too many churches" in the "overserved" area.
--I have a high-speed Internet connection. I am so selfish and evil. I should be doing a mission in a rural foreign country where there is no electricity.
--Another girl was considered to rent the room, but apparently I got to these people first. Therefore I "cheated" that girl.
I am obsessed with missions and feel I am the scum of the earth for living in privileged America. Missions can be evil too if there's any part of it that you could enjoy. What if I went on a mission where I had Internet access? Yet missions is also my biggest fear and sometimes I feel sick to think of it.
I try to rationalize and say it's okay to live here because I'm in some debt and need to pay that off. But then it's more of, "You're a horrible person. Why aren't you in the Phillippines feeding starving children?"
Two big heartbreakers for me are the paranoid thought that God will snatch away from me 1) my own family (who I'm not living far from--which is also immoral) and 2) I've grown to really like this family I rent with. It'd be really agonizing to leave them.
I know I should live in the now and enjoy any time I have with either family, but I can't even enjoy them because my mind only lives within the realm of "you're going to be dragged away from them all."
Well, that is long. Just wanted to share.
The more I like or am interested in something, the more guilt attacks I have to endure. If I like it, it's wrong. If it's the worst thing I can imagine, then it's what I should have in my life--unless of course I start to like or want it, then it becomes wrong. My conscience sometimes "rolls over." It leads me to something I don't want to do, then when I start liking the thing my conscience attacks and denounces.
For example, I recently moved out of my mother's very rural and isolated home at the age of 23. I was miserable and lonely there. I now rent a room from a Christian family in a busy city and I've never been happier.
Because I love it so much, my conscience has been going nuts.
Here are some of my recent "immoral" behaviors as told me by my conscience:
--I drive 8 minutes to church. There are a few churches that are probably more like 3-5 minutes away. The cumulative extra gas usage adds up over time. I am destroying the environment.
--The church itself is immoral. No reason has been given. I guess it's just because I like it. The family I rent with attends there and they've introduced me around. I've checked it out and have found no real reasons for concern.
--There are "too many churches" in the "overserved" area.
--I have a high-speed Internet connection. I am so selfish and evil. I should be doing a mission in a rural foreign country where there is no electricity.
--Another girl was considered to rent the room, but apparently I got to these people first. Therefore I "cheated" that girl.
I am obsessed with missions and feel I am the scum of the earth for living in privileged America. Missions can be evil too if there's any part of it that you could enjoy. What if I went on a mission where I had Internet access? Yet missions is also my biggest fear and sometimes I feel sick to think of it.
I try to rationalize and say it's okay to live here because I'm in some debt and need to pay that off. But then it's more of, "You're a horrible person. Why aren't you in the Phillippines feeding starving children?"
Two big heartbreakers for me are the paranoid thought that God will snatch away from me 1) my own family (who I'm not living far from--which is also immoral) and 2) I've grown to really like this family I rent with. It'd be really agonizing to leave them.
I know I should live in the now and enjoy any time I have with either family, but I can't even enjoy them because my mind only lives within the realm of "you're going to be dragged away from them all."
Well, that is long. Just wanted to share.
I do understand it's like the OCD does seem to get involved it we enjoy something. It's almost like our OCD-driven minds just start "scanning" for any possible reason if could be wrong no matter how remote or extreme.
