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I want my boyfriend and I to stop our sexual sin, "again".

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Hi, this is my first post so I'll tell you a little bit about us. We have been together for 3 years, and we have known for that entire time that we would get married. We have a great relationship, but we have messed up.

We spent so much time getting to really know each other as friends before we were anything else (taking things so slowly) that we didn't realize how fast everything else would come once we started "going out". We have both always had a big belief in saving sex for marriage, however, we were naive and didn't realize just how hard that would be. We slowly started getting tempted, and we would decide that "just doing this" or "just doing that" would be okay... since its us. We knew how great of a relationship that we had, that we thought we were excused from the rule (which you have you understand where we're coming from, because all they ever talk about at church is how you shouldn't sleep around so that you will only be with your husband-we plan on marrying- or that you don't want a disease. They never mentioned very committed couples who met when they were young and therefore will have to wait about 6 years before they can marry).

So we started doing more and more, every few months or so I would feel guilty and say that we need to stop. He would feel like a total jerk and failure, we would both be upset, and then a few months later things would start again. Eventually, we got to the point that "everything but intercourse" is okay. I've felt guilty a few times more, said we "really are going to stop this time" and we never do.

This time, I honestly really want to. I know that in a few weeks (or less) I will be temped and suddenly not feel guilty.. but I need to realize that my guilt will ALWAYS come back, and that this is just not right. And we will most likely be married in 2-3 years, and as bad as this sounds, it's almost like we've had our fun and now we can just wait until then.

Problem is, every time I say that I want to stop, he gets mad. I'm not talking like anything serious, but obviously he gets annoyed and a little mad. This is understandable, considering the fact that I'm messing with him by saying it's okay and then deciding that it's not. I should have stood my ground from day one... but I didn't. I know how much harder this is for him since I DID give in, and now he's expected to stop.

Honestly, I don't have a problem waiting at all. I am a very self disciplined person, and when I saw I'm going to do something- I do. It's just that he will initiate it, and then it's just too much. What I'm saying is that if he felt the same way as me, then we could make it work. I just can't help it when he tries something. And then I feel too bad saying no.

It's funny, though, because in all honesty he's the "better Christian" our of the two of us. It's just for some reason he's convinced himself that what we're doing isn't wrong. It's the weirdest thing, because if I ever were to suggest that some other basic Christian principal was okay, he would be mortified. He just says that we love each other so much and we will always be together, so it's okay. And it doesn't help that I've agreed.

But I've decided (and have always known) that I just love the feeling of purity, and I just want to stop what we're doing (as a side note, it's not like this is something that takes over our relationship. It doesn't even happen that often). I know that "if he loves you he will respect you and wait", but you have to understand how hard it is for him since I keep changing my mind, right?

How can I convince him to want to stop/ how can I be able to completely put my foot down in the future?
 
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UnitynLove

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Hi, this is my first post so I'll tell you a little bit about us. We have been together for 3 years, and we have known for that entire time that we would get married. We have a great relationship, but we have messed up.

We spent so much time getting to really know each other as friends before we were anything else (taking things so slowly) that we didn't realize how fast everything else would come once we started "going out". We have both always had a big belief in saving sex for marriage, however, we were naive and didn't realize just how hard that would be. We slowly started getting tempted, and we would decide that "just doing this" or "just doing that" would be okay... since its us. We knew how great of a relationship that we had, that we thought we were excused from the rule (which you have you understand where we're coming from, because all they ever talk about at church is how you shouldn't sleep around so that you will only be with your husband-we plan on marrying- or that you don't want a disease. They never mentioned very committed couples who met when they were young and therefore will have to wait about 6 years before they can marry).

So we started doing more and more, every few months or so I would feel guilty and say that we need to stop. He would feel like a total jerk and failure, we would both be upset, and then a few months later things would start again. Eventually, we got to the point that "everything but intercourse" is okay. I've felt guilty a few times more, said we "really are going to stop this time" and we never do.

This time, I honestly really want to. I know that in a few weeks (or less) I will be temped and suddenly not feel guilty.. but I need to realize that my guilt will ALWAYS come back, and that this is just not right. And we will most likely be married in 2-3 years, and as bad as this sounds, it's almost like we've had our fun and now we can just wait until then.

Problem is, every time I say that I want to stop, he gets mad. I'm not talking like anything serious, but obviously he gets annoyed and a little mad. This is understandable, considering the fact that I'm messing with him by saying it's okay and then deciding that it's not. I should have stood my ground from day one... but I didn't. I know how much harder this is for him since I DID give in, and now he's expected to stop.

Honestly, I don't have a problem waiting at all. I am a very self disciplined person, and when I saw I'm going to do something- I do. It's just that he will initiate it, and then it's just too much. What I'm saying is that if he felt the same way as me, then we could make it work. I just can't help it when he tries something. And then I feel too bad saying no.

It's funny, though, because in all honesty he's the "better Christian" our of the two of us. It's just for some reason he's convinced himself that what we're doing isn't wrong. It's the weirdest thing, because if I ever were to suggest that some other basic Christian principal was okay, he would be mortified. He just says that we love each other so much and we will always be together, so it's okay. And it doesn't help that I've agreed.

But I've decided (and have always known) that I just love the feeling of purity, and I just want to stop what we're doing (as a side note, it's not like this is something that takes over our relationship. It doesn't even happen that often). I know that "if he loves you he will respect you and wait", but you have to understand how hard it is for him since I keep changing my mind, right?

How can I convince him to want to stop/ how can I be able to completely put my foot down in the future?


Tell him how uncomfortable this makes you feel. Tell him your true feelings he will understand.
 
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lalalalela

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Oh my goodness, I was reading this in awe because it sounds just like how me and my boyfriend used to be. Well... we're not dating anymore mostly because of that reason, and that we both thought we should spend time with God because we where distracting eachother from Him. I know how hard it is. I never thought I'd be the type of person doing stuff like that, you know? All I can say is pray pray PRAY. Ask God to lead your relationship where HE wants it to be. Not where you and your boyfriend want it to be. Ask him to make the path he wants you to take in your relationship obvious to you guys. Ask him to help you do the right thing and make the right decisions. It might take some major sacrifices, but keep in mind that God has bigger plans and it will all end up alright if you trust in him. :) Hoped I helped a little!
 
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TailTactics

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We knew how great of a relationship that we had, that we thought we were excused from the rule (which you have you understand where we're coming from, because all they ever talk about at church is how you shouldn't sleep around so that you will only be with your husband-we plan on marrying- or that you don't want a disease. They never mentioned very committed couples who met when they were young and therefore will have to wait about 6 years before they can marry).

thats what my mom thought and now I have a little sister
 
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im on the same boat =/.. i just wish my girlfriend felt the same way you do. i want to stop, but like you mentioned before, its hard. if your boyfriend would be supportive itd be a whole lot easier. i can't really see why he thinks its ok to have sex with you before getting married. it is extremely clear in the bible that sex before marriage is a definite no. You never know, you might not be ending up with him. your plans arent the same as Gods(i hope you guys do stay together though and work things out). What i think is you should show him in the bible where it states that fornicating is wrong.
 
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Saucy

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I think I can give you a great perspective because I was in a relationship awhile ago and I was just like your boyfriend. We started off great and wanting purity, but we kept giving in and more and more, then eventually got to the point where we said that everything but intercourse is okay. And she would give me hints that she wasn't comfortable, but I pushed anyways. I felt like a jerk afterward, but then more urges would come and would push for more and more. She ended up doing a lot of things that she is not proud of and I feel like the biggest monster in the world just thinking about her having to look at herself in the mirror and facing those mistakes and the things I've done to her.

Sex is like a drug. You might start off small doing the little things, but it always leads to bigger and worse things and it becomes an addiction. Nothing in the world tops sex when it comes to pleasure and enjoyment and to be able to share that experience with the person you love...it was meant for all of us! But God set down some rules and guidelines.

So, from the guy's perspective...here's how you help the situation. You may have already done it, but you sit him down and tell him personally how you feel. Make sure he's listening. If he comes up with excuses, have bible verses ready and tell him that he's just justifying the sin so he can look at himself in the mirror at the end of the day, which is what he's really doing. He knows deep down inside that it's wrong. TELL him that it's your body and you've come to the decision that you wish to remain pure until you're married. No excuses, this is the way it's going to be if he wants to be with you. Also show him the bible verses where it talks about true love being patient and kind, etc...Then you've got to hold him accountable. If he gets mad at you, then tell him that you want to take a break to reevaluate the relationship. In the end, it's a lot better to follow God's plan and remain pure until you're married than being with someone who will get you to sin.

The end result with me was that she eventually left me and I lost possibly the best friend I've ever had.
 
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