Teen pregnancy Question

Penumbra said:

It can be an obstacle to a person if they have a child before planning it, because attending college and having a career can be made more difficult, especially if their partner is not willing to help....

But for a parent to forcibly remove that child can do more harm than anything else.

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If everyone was planned (including the children born to married couples and non teen unmarried couples/singles) we'd have a lot less people but in any case I know that finding child care in order to work and attend school is not always easy but I don't consider having obstacles in life to be indicative of a "messed up life"

Joachim said:

Both things that you cannot prevent your children from doing, and which most of them will do behind your back. If you know that they are going to drink (if just from personal experience) then why not make sure that it is done in a monitored environment where they aren't out roaming the streets for it.

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Hmm... okay... so why not let them just have sex in your home, monitored as well? As for the alcohol.. not a good idea, you end up legally responsible and can face legal charges (it's happened a lot around here the last couple years) and when some of your charges decide to leave for the evening in their cars you'll be responsible when they get stopped for DWI.

As for everyone criticizing the adoption stance. I don't think people realize how much of a burden a child can be to an 18 year old. We also don't live in a country that has a good social safety net. Now, if this country provided free of charge childcare for mothers under the age of 24, and provided a system whereby a young mother (or young parents) could attend college if they say, had a child at 18, while still raising the child, then my position would not be as it is, because then, they would be able to both keep the child and have a future. However, this is not the case. We tell two teenagers who get pregnant that they simply have to give up on their future and work minimum wage for the rest of their lives. I would be a bad parent if I simply just accepted this as something normal and wonderful and went along with it without any criticism.

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I had my daughter at 17, she came home from the hospital on my 18th birthday. (she was SGA because of my having toxemia and had to gain weight for a few weeks before she could leave the hospital)

I finished high school a couple weeks after she was born. Since I finished in the middle of the year and had been terribly sick at the end of the pregnancy I didn't start college until September. Fortunately my mother was supportive, she suggested I start with nigh classes She took care of my daughter while I went to class for the 2 years until I got my associate's degree. There weren't enough classes in my major offered at night so I used to college day care center after my 2nd year. My federal financial aid package covered the day care.

I've actually never worked for minimum wage since my daughter was born, although I defnitely had some low paying jobs. A few years after my oldest daughter was born I married my current husband. There's no reason being a parent means giving up on your life what a negative attitude.

I also believe in welfare to work, but I believe that if a welfare mother wants to actually go to school so that she can aspire to a better job than something minimum wage, we have an obligation to give her that opportunity, even if it means keeping her on welfare and paying for her kids childcare while she earns that degree. She shouldn't get paid to just sit and watch TV and devise ways to gain larger checks, but if she wants to improve her prospects beyond where they currently lie we as a society should not punish her for it.

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Currently in my state we only allow a 1 year training period, so no 4 year college - although with the economy a lot of local districts are experimenting with getting teen parents back in school higher education. In our state a teen parent without a high school diploma is required to attend high school or is not eligible for assistance. The state pays for the day care if needed, we also hugely supplement child care for low income working parents

I understand life with a child can be difficult, 24 years after my daughter was born we are doing well with my choice.

Joachim said:

As for everyone criticizing the adoption stance. I don't think people realize how much of a burden a child can be to an 18 year old. We also don't live in a country that has a good social safety net.

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My youngest sister had a baby when she was 18--now at 31 she has 4 kids, a four bedroom/3bathroom house with a formal livingroom and a den that sits on 5 acres of land. They run a horse ranch and she is an education speicalist who works with disabled children. Her hubby lost his job in this bad economy--but her job is almost bullet proof and has been enough to keep them going. Not bad for an unwed mother who had her first at 18.

Your right--we don't have a good safety net in this country--that is why we as a family provide a safety net--not forcing our children or any of our family to give up a child if they found themselves pregant at an early age. I dont think I, or any member of my family could turn our backs on one of us if they are in need.

moonkitty said:

My youngest sister had a baby when she was 18--now at 31 she has 4 kids, a four bedroom/3bathroom house with a formal livingroom and a den that sits on 5 acres of land. They run a horse ranch and she is an education speicalist who works with disabled children. Her hubby lost his job in this bad economy--but her job is almost bullet proof and has been enough to keep them going. Not bad for an unwed mother who had her first at 18.

Your right--we don't have a good safety net in this country--that is why we as a family provide a safety net--not forcing our children or any of our family to give up a child if they found themselves pregant at an early age. I dont think I, or any member of my family could turn our backs on one of us if they are in need.

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I haven't figured out why some people still insist on looking at a pregnancy as something that ruins your life, particularly when those people are anti-abortion, seems to be they are entirely focused on punishment mode when it comes to specific behaviors. Since they shouldn't have had sex then obviously whatever becomes of it, or remains around as proof of sexual behavior has ruined your life.

I have had some big set backs in my life, having a baby at 17 was not one of them.

To add another story to the pot, my mother's best friend got pregnant in high school and, as was common at the time, the child was kidnapped by the hospital and put up for adoption without her consent (I believe they tossed some papers at her and said "sign here" while she was under mind-altering anesthesia).

After spending 6 months tracking her son down, she got him back, and then went to college. My mother helped out with him, and they both turned out wonderfully. She is now a college professor, and while I don't know what his job is, he is married and living a perfectly normal life.

The trick is to have supportive friends and family who don't view the child as the end of the world.

And Joachim, I support adoption, 100%. What I, and nobody here, supports, is kidnapping. That is, taking another person's child without their consent. Were I your daughter, and you did that to me, I would do exactly what I said above--either get my kid back or run away when I had him, and then *never* forgive you, and cut you out of my life entirely. There is no excuse for that sort of callous cruelty.

sacredsin said:

If your teen came to you and told you she/he were expecting to be a mother/father, how would you react. Would you react differently if your child were the father or if your child were the mother. In other words my second question is would you react differently based on what gender you child is. Assuming you had no idea your child was even sexually active how would that influence your reaction? Would age play a significant role? Say your child was 13, would you react better if they were 17 instead? Would you try to influence your child to abort it, give it up for adoption, or keep it?

Just curious and waiting to hear the responses!

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Good question Sure my answer will go over like a ton of bricks...

"Responsible" enough to have sex, "responsible" enough to end up pregnant, "responsible" enough to get out of my house and get a job and an apartment and a life that I don't have to support. I have zero issues with teens having babies if they are out on their own making a living. But I won't support the children of my children, just like my parents would never support mine.

Just like I have zero issues with people having 18 children as long as they aren't on the state-, province-, or country-welfare system.

They're free to have the baby, as long as they get out of my house and go raise it. But if they want to stay under my roof, it won't be happening, especially if they are 13. If they are 17, I've no issue telling them to leave, frankly.

It's probably a good thing I'm not going to be raising any kids in my lifetime I really have very little sympathy for children and the stuff they get themselves into. I did a right number of crazy things in my day and my parents left me to it. I had to clean up my own messes and what not. If I wanted to make an adult mess, I was going to have to be an adult.*shrugs*

wanderingone said:

If everyone was planned (including the children born to married couples and non teen unmarried couples/singles) we'd have a lot less people but in any case I know that finding child care in order to work and attend school is not always easy but I don't consider having obstacles in life to be indicative of a "messed up life"

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If those obstacles are overcome, then life is not messed up. If the couple fails to overcome those obstacles, their life could end up in a way they are not fond of. "Messed up life" is not a term I'd use for that situation either, but it's applicable from a certain point of view.

Two of my friends from high school had a child in 11th grade, and since they were already pretty poor living in a poor neighborhood, they abandoned all hopes of college and now work low-to-moderate paying jobs. One of them has literally a genius level IQ and works construction. (Not that I have anything against construction, but his skillset is not one that matches well with that particular field.) Neither of the two are particularly happy with their situation.

What a sad, sad commentary on life. Your parents did you no favors.

Blue Impulse said:

Good question Sure my answer will go over like a ton of bricks...

"Responsible" enough to have sex, "responsible" enough to end up pregnant, "responsible" enough to get out of my house and get a job and an apartment and a life that I don't have to support. I have zero issues with teens having babies if they are out on their own making a living. But I won't support the children of my children, just like my parents would never support mine.

Just like I have zero issues with people having 18 children as long as they aren't on the state-, province-, or country-welfare system.

They're free to have the baby, as long as they get out of my house and go raise it. But if they want to stay under my roof, it won't be happening, especially if they are 13. If they are 17, I've no issue telling them to leave, frankly.

It's probably a good thing I'm not going to be raising any kids in my lifetime I really have very little sympathy for children and the stuff they get themselves into. I did a right number of crazy things in my day and my parents left me to it. I had to clean up my own messes and what not. If I wanted to make an adult mess, I was going to have to be an adult.*shrugs*

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PreachersWife2004 said:

What a sad, sad commentary on life. Your parents did you no favors.

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Are you suggesting that you have the obligation to prop up someone, that by their OWN doing, is pregnant? Don't you think that people should have to suffer the consequences of their actions?

Is it not the responsibility of the mother, and father of that child to care and provide for it?

I see this all the time and it makes me sick. Blame everyone but those responsible. Make them work, support the child.

Such is life.

I would also suggest gaining insight on an individual before making assumptions like that.

PreachersWife2004 said:

What a sad, sad commentary on life. Your parents did you no favors.

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I happen to like that about my parents, thank you very much

Penumbra said:

If those obstacles are overcome, then life is not messed up. If the couple fails to overcome those obstacles, their life could end up in a way they are not fond of. "Messed up life" is not a term I'd use for that situation either, but it's applicable from a certain point of view.

Two of my friends from high school had a child in 11th grade, and since they were already pretty poor living in a poor neighborhood, they abandoned all hopes of college and now work low-to-moderate paying jobs. One of them has literally a genius level IQ and works construction. (Not that I have anything against construction, but his skillset is not one that matches well with that particular field.) Neither of the two are particularly happy with their situation.

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It is not my belief that people inclined to succeed at specific tasks will fail to do so simply because they have had a child. The success may come at a different time, through a different path but the task need not be abandoned if one really desires to complete it.

buddy_holly said:

Are you suggesting that you have the obligation to prop up someone, that by their OWN doing, is pregnant? Don't you think that people should have to suffer the consequences of their actions?

Is it not the responsibility of the mother, and father of that child to care and provide for it?

I see this all the time and it makes me sick. Blame everyone but those responsible. Make them work, support the child.

Such is life.

I would also suggest gaining insight on an individual before making assumptions like that.

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I don't know where any of us gets the idea that it's a bad thing to support each other at some points in life when we need it. I am especially confused when the notion of giving is looked down on by Christians.

Blue Impulse said:

It's probably a good thing I'm not going to be raising any kids in my lifetime I really have very little sympathy for children and the stuff they get themselves into. I did a right number of crazy things in my day and my parents left me to it. I had to clean up my own messes and what not. If I wanted to make an adult mess, I was going to have to be an adult.*shrugs*

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Just because someone does something like have a child doesn't mean they have made an "adult" "mess" they have acted the age they are. As a parent I am obligated to help them find a responsible way to handle the next step. Abandoning them.. not something I feel is acceptable.

side note--------------

I could've sworn you had children, or a child. I may be getting my blue names mixed up.

wanderingone said:

It is not my belief that people inclined to succeed at specific tasks will fail to do so simply because they have had a child. The success may come at a different time, through a different path but the task need not be abandoned if one really desires to complete it.

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Sounds idealistic to me.

People fail sometimes for various reasons.

wanderingone said:

I don't know where any of us gets the idea that it's a bad thing to support each other at some points in life when we need it. I am especially confused when the notion of giving is looked down on by Christians.

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It's one thing to help here and there.

It's completely another to have them use you as a crutch because of their decisions.

They have every ability of supporting themselves and young without help. Unfortunately, that involves growing up, getting jobs, getting a place, and so on.

If they are mature enough to have kids, they are mature enough to look after themselves and young.

Blue Impulse said:

They're free to have the baby, as long as they get out of my house and go raise it. But if they want to stay under my roof, it won't be happening, especially if they are 13. If they are 17, I've no issue telling them to leave, frankly.

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As you sow, expect to reap. Prepare for a lonely old-age, unless of course you're already living one.

It's probably a good thing I'm not going to be raising any kids in my lifetime

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Thats probably best for all involved.

*

I would make a doctor's appoitment for my daughter and buy her a big bottle of vitimins.

I would not do those things for my son.

That's about the only differences.

buddy_holly said:

If they are mature enough to have kids, they are mature enough to look after themselves and young.

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At 14 or 15? "Mature" enough to have kids is unfortunately nothing more than a physical function. Mature enough to "raise" kids is then the question- I can't (and wouldn't) force a child to give up their child for adoption, and I won't leave them to some group home or foster placement simply because the immature choice went wrong and resulted in a pregnancy.

Penumbra said:

Sounds idealistic to me.

People fail sometimes for various reasons.

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People do fail for various reasons, but like I said having a child doesn't "cause" it. Having a child delayed things for me (possibly, who's to say something else wouldn't have come along and put another fork in the road)

I can look back now at when I was 17, 18, 19 and it felt like for every step forward it was a few steps back, but I can't see any place where things would have progressed significantly differently had I not had my daughter. Nor can I say things would have been significantly different for her in a different family.

Of course we were not completely abandoned by people. If we choose to throw our friends and family to the streets because they had a baby at 17 instead of 27 how can only the teenage parent be to blame for the difficulties they face?

I think it's silly to take the "abandonment" route. You're essentially punishing the child for the mistakes of the parents. Of course, the parents of the child need to be responsible and do what they can to take care of the child and can't just dump the child on the grandparents. However, the grandparents should be looking at what is in the best interest of their child, their grandchild, as well as themselves. A balance should be struck. If they have the means to help support the parents of the child to finish school, etc, then they should do so.